If your girlfriend won’t have sex with you or isn’t interested in sex, then you need to read this article. I’m going to show you exactly what you need to do to get her re-attracted to you again. But first, an email from a guy who is going through this exact same problem.
After dating my girlfriend for three years now, she suddenly decided that she wasn’t going to have sex with me anymore. My girlfriend used to love sex and we used to make love everywhere, so I don’t think there is anything physically wrong with me or her. So it’s really frustrating that she’s suddenly decided to do this.
About six months ago my girlfriend started making excuses every time I tried to kiss her or get close to her. She would tell me that she was busy or that she was feeling tired. I tried doing things around the house to make her feel better and less stressed. I would clean the house for her and do all the cooking and cleaning but she still said she was tired and stressed out from work. She also said that she wasn’t interested in sex anymore.
(The honest and brutal truth is that if your girlfriend is attracted to you and wants to have sex with you, then it doesn’t matter how stressed out she is, she will have sex with you. I’ve seen some of the most stressed out women in the world (lawyers and investment bankers) demand sex in order to release stress. Bottom line: failing a serious hormonal imbalance, if your girlfriend is attracted to you, she will have sex with you.)
What made things worse was the fact that my girlfriend kept promising to have sex with me tomorrow or on the weekend, but then she would act like she forgot, and if I tried to have sex with her then she would get angry and say she wasn’t in the mood and tell me that I was sex obsessed. I think I’m going crazy with frustration and anger here. A part of me wants to go and find another woman just to have sex with, but I love my girlfriend too much to do that. I honestly don’t know what to do anymore.
(This kind of behavior is not only rude and disrespectful from your girlfriend, it shows no respect for your feelings or your needs and requirements as a man. Why do we enter into a relationship if not to have sex and possibly reproduce? As I always say, if you’re not having sex, you may as well just be friends.)
I tried begging her to have sex with me which was a real low point. I even tried to be super nice to her and give her massages too. Nothing. It didn’t work and it still hasn’t worked. If you could help me to get my girlfriend attracted to me again and having sex with me again I would really appreciate that.
(Well, begging your girlfriend for sex is pretty much the worst thing you can do. The good news is I’m going to tell you exactly what you need to do when your girlfriend won’t have sex with you.)
- Reasons Why Your Girlfriend Won’t Have Sex
- Get Your Girlfriend Interested In Sex
- And In Long Term Relationships…
- What to Do When She’s Not Interested in Sex
- What You Can Do to Help
- What Not Having Sex Does to Your Marriage
- Not Having Sex
- If you aren’t having sex in your marriage, it is a big deal.
- Let me tell you what happens to the guy you sleep with every night when you reject his advances: he feels inadequate.
- He is trapped in a sexless marriage.
- Men Not Having Sex: Here’s How to Talk With Your Wife
- Women Not Having Sex: Here’s How to Respond
- Not Having Sex is a big deal!
- 11 Tips for the Spouse With a Lower Sex Drive
- Reasons for Disengaging in Sexual Intimacy
- Mistaken Views
- So what does a healthy sex life in a marriage look like?
- Why Sex in Marriage is Worth It.
- 6 Reasons Why a Woman Doesn’t Want to Have Sex
- 1. It isn’t a priority
- 2. Being intimate causes physical pain
- 3. It doesn’t feel the same as it used to
- 4. She has a hormonal imbalance
- 5. She feels self-conscious about her body
- 6. Her medications are getting in the way
Reasons Why Your Girlfriend Won’t Have Sex
If your girlfriend refuses to have sex with you then it’s really important that you understand what’s going on here.
A lot of websites and advice columns will tell you that if your girlfriend won’t have sex, then you’re not giving her enough romance.
They’ll suggest that you do things like give your girlfriend massages, cook for her, clean the house and essentially act like a complete slave who kisses the ground she walks on. People will also advise you to be nicer to your girlfriend and bring her flowers and leave little love notes and messages for her.
The truth is, doing this never works in reality.
The underlying reason why your girlfriend won’t have sex with you anymore is because she’s lost attraction for you.
Yes, there is truth to the fact that women are aroused in different ways to men. They take longer to warm up and get turned on in different ways.
But unless you’re a complete amateur and you’re literally trying to shove your penis into your girlfriend without any foreplay then there are only a couple of things you need to know. In other words, you don’t need to be a master of love in order for your girlfriend to want to have sex with you.
There are literally millions of reasons, however, why women have sex with men and why they refuse sex. Approximately 237 reasons to be precise.
You might be surprised to hear that women withhold sex for the following reasons (to control a man, to get revenge on her man, to get him to do something for her, to pull away emotionally, to force him to break up with her).
These are just some of the reasons why women withhold sex. But they all have one thing in common, the woman has a less than optimal level of attraction for her man and she believes that this strategy will work.
The following is based on real incidents (names have been changed): Peter had been dating Jane for two years when she suddenly decided that she didn’t want to have sex with him anymore. The reason why Jane decided she didn’t want sex is that she had lost attraction for Peter. She had found Peter very physically attractive in the beginning, but his behavior had, over time, slowly turned her off.
Jane also realized that she could control Peter by not having sex with him. She could get him to do things for her and he would work harder to please her. To her amazement, Jane found out that she only had to have sex with Peter once a month and he was working overtime to please her. “What a desperate idiot,” Jane thought. It was for this very reason that Jane didn’t want to have sex with Peter for pleasure anymore, she just used sex as a weapon to control Peter.
If Jane didn’t have sex with Peter, he would get upset and beg her to make love to him. He was so weak and needy, that he had completely turned Jane off with his behavior. Jane ended up dumping Peter two months later and never looked back.
Three years later, Jane found herself in a relationship with Paul. After they had been dating for a couple of months, Jane thought she would withhold sex because she wanted to see how Paul would react. If he was anything like Peter, she could turn him into another slave for a couple of months before kicking him into touch.
When Paul tried to have sex with Jane, she said she was tired. Paul shrugged and went to sleep. Two days later Paul tried to have sex with Jane again. Again, Jane said she was tired and busy and wasn’t interested in sex. Paul simply laughed it off. He then pulled out his phone and began to text someone.
Jane asked Paul who he was talking to and Paul told her not to worry and to get some sleep. Paul then got dressed and ready to leave. Jane flew into a panic. Where’s he going? She thought to herself. He must have another girl he can call up and have sex with. Jane jumped out of bed and threw her arms around Paul. “Don’t go,” she begged him, pulling his shirt off and kissing him on the cheek… five minutes later Paul and Jane were back in bed making love.
Paul had neutralized Jane’s threat immediately. And Jane never tried a stunt like that again because she had the horrible feeling that Paul had other options and unlike Peter he wasn’t afraid to leave her.
Get Your Girlfriend Interested In Sex
If your girlfriend refuses to have sex with you, or even if your girlfriend has lost interest in having sex with you, then there are a couple of things you can do to reignite the passion in your relationship.
I’m going to tell you what these are in order (because you need to escalate things if she continues to refuse sex and say that she’s not interested).
(Note: don’t even try to talk things through with her and beg her for sex, this never works.)
1. Stop Being A Nice Guy
If you’re being super nice to your girlfriend and trying to please her in order to get her to have sex with you, then stop what you’re doing right now and read this.
Being nice to your girlfriend will NOT get her to have sex with you. In fact, it will destroy her attraction for you even more and make her pull even further away. Thinking about washing the dishes for her and cleaning up the house to make her feel happy and less stressed? Think again.
Now of course you should wash the dishes and clean your own house, but you should do it for you, not to please your girlfriend. Once your girlfriend realizes that you are only doing these “nice things” because you want sex, it won’t be long before she starts using sex as a weapon to control you.
Studies show that women are more attracted to men who display characteristics, like boldness and selfishness, that are completely the opposite to being a nice guy (University of Amsterdam). Use this knowledge to your advantage.
2. Mirror Her
If you’ve been trying to have sex with your girlfriend and she keeps refusing or making excuses, then it’s important to take the focus off sex and and make her believe that you’re no longer interested.
In effect, you need to mirror her actions. When she pulls away and acts like she doesn’t want sex, you do the same. When your girlfriend reaches out to touch you, you respond.
Mirroring is very easy to do and it is effective because it introduces the scarcity principle and will make you more attractive to your girlfriend. The result of this is that she is much more likely to want to have sex with you.
Human beings are strange in so much that we never value or desire things that are given away for free; we only value and desire things that are scarce and valuable. If you can make yourself appear to be more scarce and valuable to your girlfriend, her desire and sexual attraction for you will increase too.
If you mirror you girlfriend and pull away from her and she still won’t have sex with you, then it’s time to escalate things and move on to level two.
3. Walk Away
Your girlfriend won’t have sex with you, she says she’s tired and stressed out and she’s still not interested in making love, what do you do?
I know it’s tempting to bang your head against the wall and scream in rage, but this is where you need to follow a plan of action.
Walking away is one of the best things you can do in the relationship when your girlfriend refuses to have sex.
When I say walk away, you have to completely disengage from your girlfriend. Don’t even think about begging or pleading or talking things through with her (millions of men have tried this strategy before and it never works).
Instead, you need to completely physically withdraw from your girlfriend. You’re no longer going to try and have sex with her, but you’re also no longer going to hug her, kiss her and reach out to touch her—even during the day.
If your girlfriend tries to hug you or touch you, don’t even respond. You want to give your girlfriend the impression that you’re disengaging from the relationship and pulling away.
Once your girlfriend senses that you’re about to leave the relationship she will try to get close to you if she wants to save the relationship and keep you around. The first way that your girlfriend will try to save the relationship is by having sex with you again.
The uncertainty of your sudden withdrawal will send your girlfriend into a frenzy of desire and make her want you even more. It’s been scientifically proven that women become more attracted to a man when they don’t know where they stand in the relationship (University of Virginia).
4. Introduce Dread and Uncertainty
I often recommend going straight to level three if the relationship is still new when your girlfriend pulls the “I’m not interested in sex” card. This is powerful stuff so you need to understand how to do this correctly.
So let’s imagine that you’ve just started dating your girlfriend, and every time you get her into bed she refuses to have sex with you. she keeps making excuses and says she’s not interested or ready. etc. etc. etc. Maybe you’re in a long term relationship and your girlfriend has gone cold on you and refuses sex. What can you do?
In all these situations, there is nothing more powerful than introducing a level of dread and uncertainty into the relationship. Now why would you want to do this?
Introducing dread and uncertainty into the relationship, sends several signals to your girlfriend at once: (1) you’re telling her that you have high value and that you have options. (2) you’re showing confidence and making her feel uncertain. (3) you become scarce and more valuable. (4) your girlfriend will fear that she’s about to lose you.
All of these messages are being sent to your girlfriend at once and doing this is like detonating a mini-nuke inside her mind. Dread is the most powerful hand you can play as a man. With that said, here are some of the best ways to introduce dread and uncertainty into the relationship:
- Smile with amusement when your girlfriend won’t have sex with you. This will make your girlfriend wonder how you can be so cool about everything. She’ll also wonder if you have another girl on the side.
- Talk to other girls on the phone in front of your girlfriend. You can also text other people while she’s with you, when your girlfriend asks who these people are, you can simply respond that it’s just a friend and keep it vague. Your girlfriend’s brain will go into overdrive and her fear receptors will be activated.
- Start exercising (if you don’t already) and buy new clothes. Your girlfriend will notice this straight away and her mind will tell her that you’re seeing other women. She’ll reason that she better do something fast if she wants to keep you around.
- Ignore her phone calls and text messages for a couple of hours or days. This sudden emotional withdrawal will hit your girlfriend harder than a junkie getting a shot of heroin. This will get your girlfriend thinking about you again and focused on you completely.
- Tell your girlfriend that you love being single and you love your freedom. “What is he saying?” She’ll think to herself. Does this mean he’s going to break up with me? Panic and anxiety sets in and she’ll have no choice but to have sex with you.
- Actually go on dates with other women. If your girlfriend finds out about this, simply shrug your shoulders and say you thought she wouldn’t mind. After all, it’s not like she wants sex or anything.
- Walk out when she throws a tantrum about any of these things and don’t speak to her for at least a couple of hours, preferably a few days.
A lot of guys are terrified that if they do these things they will lose their girlfriend forever. The reality is, if you don’t do these things you’ll probably lose her forever.
And In Long Term Relationships…
One of the biggest problems that couples experience in long term relationships is a loss of attraction and sexual desire towards one another. This passion is always incredibly strong in the beginning of the relationship, but it always fades over time if you don’t take proper steps to maintain it.
The greatest sex killer that I’ve seen in my experience is when couples spend all their time together. They sleep together, they eat together, they hang out together, watch TV together, brush their teeth together.
I’ve seen cases where couples become so comfortable in the relationship that they walk around naked in front of each other and even go to the bathroom in front of each other. This might feel comfortable and easy, but be warned, doing this is a big attraction killer.
If you don’t have space in a relationship then you can’t spark sexual tension with your girlfriend, and if you don’t have sexual tension then you can’t have sexual desire.
I always strongly advise couples to bring space back into the relationship, even if your girlfriend doesn’t want space and gets upset, you need to be the one to enforce it.
If your girlfriend sees you most days of the week then it’s a good idea to pull away (even if things are going well) and bring space back into the relationship. This will raise your girlfriend’s attraction for you and make her want to have sex with you again.
If you need an urgent response to fix your situation, please don’t hesitate to book an email or phone consultation with me and I’ll get back to you ASAP.
PS. If you want to create INTENSE attraction with women, I highly recommend you get a copy of my book Atomic Attraction (Kindle/Paperback/Audio). Everything you need to know about creating, building, and maintaining attraction can be found within these pages.
PPS. If a girl’s pulled away from you or left you, the Get Her Back (Action Plan) will give you an instant solution to your problem. This guide will show you the fastest and easiest way to get her back and keep her.
What to Do When She’s Not Interested in Sex
In fact, a more recent study published in 2003 by the Kinsey Institute, involving a telephone survey of 987 white and black women aged 20 to 65 years old, found that just 24 percent of women reported marked distress about their sexual relationship or sexuality. The researchers also found that a woman’s emotional health and quality of her sexual relationship hold greater value in her sexual satisfaction than the physical aspects of sex like arousal or orgasm.
No matter how prevalent sexual dysfunction is, or isn’t, a sexual problem is not considered sexual dysfunction in a woman unless she is distressed about or dissatisfied with her sex life. Sexual dysfunction, like sexual response, also differs between the sexes: In women, it can be subtle and individualized, unlike in men, where it can be a more obvious problem, like the inability to maintain an erection.
What You Can Do to Help
As a partner, you can help encourage your loved one to figure out what could be the source of her loss of desire: Whether it’s a physical health condition — especially if she’s experiencing pain during intercourse — that would necessitate a visit to her doctor, or an emotional health concern, where a therapist might be able to help.
RELATED: Understanding Low Libido
Still, talking about sex and working on your sexual relationship can be difficult, even when you’ve enjoyed great intimacy. These ideas can help.
- Pick neutral territory for a conversation. To help make it easier for your partner to open up, don’t approach the topic in bed. Paget advised keeping the conversation simple — ask just a few questions so your partner doesn’t feel overwhelmed or attacked. Start by telling your partner you enjoy having sex with her and ask what you can do to help her enjoy it more.
- Ask about any stress or other concerns that might be keeping her from feeling pleasure. As experts at Harvard Medical School point out, physical desire can be enough to lead to arousal, sex, and orgasm in men, but the sexual response for women is often more complex. Her motivation for sex may be to feel close to you. If an emotional connection is lacking because of relationship concerns, mental health problems, stress, or some other reason, her desire for sex may lessen.
- Be an unselfish lover. Are you having sex in ways she wants or that keep her interested, asked Paget? Don’t focus solely on your own needs. Encourage her to tell you what feels good to her. Maybe there’s something about your sex life that makes her uncomfortable or there’s something she wants to try but is embarrassed to mention. Be open to what she has to say.
- Help her relax. If your partner says sex is painful, discuss ways you can help her relax before sex. Perhaps draw a warm bath for her before meeting in the bedroom. Using lubricants and trying different positions may also help.
- Let her know you find her attractive. Show her that she’s desirable. Make it a point to compliment her more often — not just during foreplay, but also at random times when you aren’t trying to initiate sex.
- Find other ways to show support. If you know that she’s under a great deal of stress at work, take on some of her household responsibilities so that you can enjoy more time just being together.
Be gentle and supportive as you let her know you want to work together to find a solution and a new intimacy normal.
Those first several months of a new relationship are bliss: You can’t keep your hands off each other. You’re having sex once, twice, three times a day. You’re having crazy sex, public sex, porno sex, hair-pulling sex. It’s orgasm after orgasm and your brain is oozing those endorphins that make you feel in love and utterly alive.
And then it comes to a screeching halt.
While it’s perfectly normal for sex to slow down a bit after this initial “romance stage,” it’s never a good sign when the music stops on your nightly Horizontal Mambo. Here are five possible reasons she stopped doing you, and how you can turn it around.
She’s Become Accustomed to Not Having Sex
Abstinence breeds abstinence. It’s easy to go without sex if she’s stressed, tired, or just busy. Once you’ve gone without sex for a few days, it can snowball into a few weeks. And then before you know it, months have passed. The longer you go without, the harder it is to get your sexual mojo back.
Preventative Measures: Moushumi Ghose, a licensed marriage and family therapist, suggests making affection a part of your routine. “Have a 5-minute make-out session,” she says. “Send sexy texts, hold hands, take a bath together, or rub her back. These things don’t always have to lead to sex, but it sets a sexy tone throughout the week.”
How To Turn It Around: “It’s like riding a bike,” says Ghose. “You just have to get off your ass and do it, even if you don’t feel like it. Initiate something every day so you just get into the practice of it.”
She’s Contemplating a Breakup
If a woman is on the brink of dumping her man, usually the sex stops. But don’t worry just yet, those symptoms don’t necessarily mean she’s about to break up with you, says sexologist Jill McDevitt, Ph.D.
Preventative Measures: “Be kind and compassionate,” says Dr. McDevitt. “Treat your partner with respect, as an equal, and generally be someone other humans want to be around.” If you’re doing all that and she still wants to leave, just remember, “some people aren’t compatible,” says Dr. McDevitt.
How To Turn It Around: “Ask her,” says Dr. McDevitt. “Instead of guessing, assuming, and fearing, talk about it! And be the type of trustworthy partner that she can feel good about talking to about things as serious as ‘I’m thinking of breaking up with you…’ before it gets to that point.”
(Breakups don’t come out of nowhere. Be aware of the clues that the end is near, and look for these 8 Signs Your Relationship Is Over.)
She Doesn’t Feel Sexy Anymore
Often times, when a woman gains weight or just had a baby, she doesn’t feel sexy. “Women absolutely need to be feeling really good about themselves in their head,” says Ghose. “That’s directly connected to them feeling sexy and sexual.”
Preventative Measures: “Addressing her weight gain is not a good idea,” says Ghose. “It’s more important to be supportive and more attentive to her needs in general, and encouraging her to talk about stuff. If weight is the issue, try to lead by example by eating healthy and keeping up your personal fitness routine.”
How To Turn It Around: “It’s key that you don’t point the finger,” says Ghose. “Instead, come at it from your needs. You can say, ‘I would really like to have more connection with you. What can I do to make this better?’ If you come at it from your needs not being met instead of what she’s not doing, she’s more likely to hear you and not feel defensive.”
The worst-case scenario is that she stopped having sex with you because she’s getting it from someone else. “I wouldn’t necessarily jump to that conclusion unless there are some signs,” says Ghose.
Preventative Measures: “Pay attention to changes in her behavior,” says Ghose. “Maybe she’s acting distant, taking calls at odd hours, locks her phone more, comes home late, or changes her social routine. When you see this happening, direct communication is key.”
How To Turn It Around: If she is cheating, there are two options: Bolt or forgive her. “If you want to continue with the relationship it’s really important to find out what caused her to cheat,” says Ghose. “Were you not being attentive, or too attentive? It’s not always the guy’s fault, but it’s both parties responsibility to check in with each other to make sure their needs are getting met.”
She’s Bored in Bed
“A sexually-bored person might either introduce new types of sexual behaviors and foreplay to increase their interest, or alternatively, they may just want to hurry up and get it over with,” says Dr. McDevitt.
Preventative Measures: “To a certain extent, it happens to every relationship,” says Dr. McDevitt. “And that’s okay, because the level of passion in the beginning is just not sustainable.” Instead of worrying about the amount of sex you’re having, McDevitt suggests exploring variety. It’s not about quantity necessarily, but quality.
(Want to try something new in the bedroom? Here are 45 Sex Positions Every Couple Should Try.)
How To Turn It Around: “The ongoing maintenance and emergency fix are the same,” says Dr. McDevitt. You should be looking for more variety (of positions, sex acts, locations, and other details, from the lighting to the time of day.) “Read and learn together,” says McDevitt. “There are lots of books and helpful classes you can take together. Be honest. If you’re bored, say you’re bored. If you suspect she’s bored, ask her.”
What Not Having Sex Does to Your Marriage
Not Having Sex
A lot of couples I see in my office eventually end up sharing that they’re not having sex. Lately, I’m seeing a lot of angry, shut down men. That’s a good clue for what is really going on.
When a couple isn’t having sex, it is usually the wives who initiate therapy. They feel they are losing their husbands or they are worried because their husband is often angry and irritable. Sometimes they are in my office because the husband had an affair, or because he said he wanted a divorce.
I start the therapy process and eventually it comes out there has been very little sex for months or years. I say eventually because the wife doesn’t mention it – she doesn’t think it is that big a deal.
She knows they don’t have sex often but they get along in every other way and he doesn’t complain about it much. The husband doesn’t mention it right away because he is embarrassed or even humiliated. What man wants someone to know his own wife doesn’t want him?
If you aren’t having sex in your marriage, it is a big deal.
It means something is off. The longer you ignore this the harder the punch will be when you are forced to deal.
Every. Single. Time. Every single time, the wife is surprised….shocked at how angry and hurt and rejected her husband feels because they aren’t having sex. Sure. She admits knowing they weren’t having sex. She admits knowing it was a problem for him. But she didn’t realize just how much of a problem.
Let me tell you what happens to the guy you sleep with every night when you reject his advances: he feels inadequate.
He questions whether or not you love him at all.
He fears he is disappointing you sexually and that is the reason you turn him down. He feels completely helpless and then starts to resent the hell out of you for putting him in a powerless position.
He may act out in ways to alleviate both his sexual frustration and his building resentment toward you by using porn or having an affair. He often avoids coming home and works longer hours.
He will justify this by believing you forced him to do it.
Then he may get even angrier with you.
Because he really just wants to be loved by YOU.
At least he does until he is so angry and so shut down he starts to despise you. When it gets that bad, he tries to stay civil but the contempt leaks out at times and this confuses you. But it also helps justify to you that it is ok not to have sex. After all, who wants to have sex with a jerk?
All of these intense feelings are going on under the surface and you are oblivious to how much pain he is in. Partly because he has not been direct enough in telling you. But partly because you don’t want to see his pain.
When he has tried to talk about it, you have responded by telling him “all you want is sex.” This infuriates him and widens the chasm between you. It makes him feel hopeless and he thinks if all he wanted was sex, he sure wouldn’t be here with you.
Then he notices that you have also started pulling away from non-sexual physical affection. You stiffen when he hugs you. You give him “push off” kisses that let him know you don’t have the time or desire to linger. At some point, to protect himself, he comes to accept this is his “normal.”
He is trapped in a sexless marriage.
And he starts to detach.
This is the point most men leave the marriage.
Men Not Having Sex: Here’s How to Talk With Your Wife
If this is happening in your marriage, wake up now! Guys, if this sounds like your situation, be direct with your wife about your feelings.
Let her know that something has to change. Tell her how much pain you feel and how much it hurts to feel so rejected time and time again. Don’t hide behind your embarrassment or humiliation. You aren’t the only man who feels trapped in a sexless marriage. I see it all the time. Your only way out of this is to speak up or leave. Leaving may seem easier but it rips the family apart.
Stay respectful, but tell her! If she doesn’t get it, force the issue by making an appointment for the two of you to talk with a marriage expert. If she doesn’t want to join you, go alone. Don’t make the excuse that you have tried to tell her. Every couple I’ve seen in this situation has a wife who tells me she didn’t know things were this bad. You haven’t told her directly enough until you put the marriage on hold in other ways to get her attention. Don’t be afraid to find out exactly why you aren’t having sex. Whatever the reason, there is very likely a solution but you may never resolve this without some answers.
Women Not Having Sex: Here’s How to Respond
Ladies, there are a lot of reasons why you may not desire sex or desire sex with your husband. Ignoring the problem and avoiding sex is the coward’s way out. If you don’t like the quality of sex, talk about it, go to therapy, read some books together. Fix it.
If there are emotional issues that dampen the mood, deal with those also. It is natural for you to not desire sex if your husband is inattentive, controlling, critical or abusive. If this is happening in your marriage, you have some big problems to address. Use this opportunity to make things better. If you love your husband, find a way to deal with this because one day you may get an ugly surprise. You may think all those “not tonight” moments aren’t that big a deal, but I promise you, they come with a price. Your husband needs to know you love him. He views his sexual needs as a huge part of the marriage deal.
Call us or contact us online, and let us help you figure out what you need to start enjoying sex with your husband again. But if you keep avoiding the issue, you may find yourself discussing these things with a divorce attorney instead.
Not Having Sex is a big deal!
It’s time we start talking about it and learning how to enjoy each other more. It is heartbreaking to see the pain that not having sex is causing couples.
Stop the misery and get some help. At The Marriage Place, we can work with you to help you figure out why you aren’t having sex–and even better–help you enjoy it!
DISCLAIMER: Sex is a hot topic for a marriage counselor and it’s something I’ve written about a lot. This article was written to specifically address one situation (and one situation only) I routinely see in my practice – angry, frustrated men who want more sex and wives who don’t realize how the lack of it is impacting their spouse and the rest of their relationship. It is not intended to be a “one size fits all” answer for every sexless marriage; nor is it intended to blame the women. It is simply an insight into the dynamics for some sexless marriages with the goal being to learn and grow as a couple. For those interested, I’ve also written a companion piece addressing this issue from the wife’s perspective of wanting more sex. You can find it here. Continue to check back for more content on this topic in the coming weeks.
11 Tips for the Spouse With a Lower Sex Drive
I know it is really difficult for a man to admit he is worried about low sexual desire and even more difficult to ask for help in this area. But I urge you to do precisely that. You need to put your pride aside and get your sex life/marriage back on track. Your wife may be understanding at the moment, but if you put things off much longer, she might not be around.
4. Care about your spouse’s feelings.
Although you have had very valid reasons for not being in the mood, I hope it’s clear by now that your spouse has probably felt hurt and rejected because of it. I know this has not been your intention. Far from it. But part of the healing that must take place between the two of you involves your active participation in things that will help your partner feel better. Here are a couple of suggestions that might help boost your spouse’s morale.
Flirt – If you think back to earlier times in your relationship, I bet the two of you were more flirtatious. I bet there were pats on the butt, a wink of your eye, a kiss blown across a crowded room, lightly touching each other in passing, a suggestive smile, a well-timed compliment about your spouse’s appearance, and so on. This kind of playfulness is an important part of keeping passion alive. Put more energy into letting your spouse know that s/he is attractive by flirting.
Don’t just say “no” – If you aren’t in the mood, and sometimes you won’t be, it’s okay to say “no.” You shouldn’t feel bad about it. However, if you do say, “no,” it’s important that you make an alternative suggestion. Perhaps later in the day might be better for you. Or, just because you aren’t in the mood yourself doesn’t mean you can’t do something to pleasure your spouse. Although your spouse might initially insist that the only way s/he is interested in being sexual is if your heart is totally into it, convince him/her otherwise. Since your sexual desire might always be lower than your spouse’s, there is nothing wrong and everything right with the idea of your pleasing your spouse from time to time when s/he is in the mood. It does not have to be reciprocal. Convince your spouse that you really feel good about giving to him/her in this way.
5. Look for the small flutters.
Dr. Pat Love, coauthor of Hot Monogamy, suggests that it is frequently the case that people with low sexual desire never experience earth-shattering sexual urges as do their more sexually-oriented partners. For them, it’s more like barely noticeable, mild tremors. Rather than assume that the Tidal Wave will be the cue that it’s “sex time,” look for more subtle signs.
For example, have you ever had even a fleeting thought that your partner looks good tonight that you like his/her cologne/perfume, or that you find yourself attracted to someone on television and it puts you in a slightly sexy mood? If so, great. This is a wonderful starting point. Take an action. “When you feel even the slightest pulse of desire, follow through with it,” say Dr. Love.
6. Put on your running shoes.
Joggers always say that the hardest part about running is putting on your running shoes. So too with sex. I wish I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard a person say, “I really wasn’t in the mood at all at first, but once we got into it, I enjoyed myself.” When people nudge themselves, even halfheartedly, to “get their feet moving,” their pleasurable physical sensations often override any reason to resist.
Unlike the last suggestion where you are advised to look for the small flutters, I am now suggesting that you don’t necessarily need to feel turned on at all in order to initiate sex or respond to your partner’s advances. If you push yourself a bit, you will see whether the caressing and touching puts you in the mood. Give it some time. You’ll probably surprise yourself. So, get out those running shoes…just do it.
7. Focus on the exceptions.
In your quest to figure out what turns you on, you should focus on the exceptions. Identify what has worked to turn you on in the past. Recall times you were feeling sexier and ask yourself what you were doing differently then. Were you taking more time for foreplay? Were you having sex in different positions, locations, times of day, week, or month? Were you in better shape back then? Was your partner? Were you using sexual devices such as a vibrator? Were you more active in your life?
As you begin to ask yourself these questions, you will notice that some of the conditions for feeling more sexual are either no longer part of your life or even a remote possibility. For example, some people tell me that sex was better before they had children. As far as I know, having children is an irreversible decision. If some of the conditions are not doable, ask yourself, “What was different back then? How did not having children make things different?”
People often say, “things were just more spontaneous.” Although it’s impossible to be very spontaneous when you’ve added children to your lives, you certainly can plan for some spontaneity. call the in-laws or close friends, have them take your children overnight. Plan a weekend getaway. In other words, although it may not be perfect, you can rearrange your lives so that you can replicate at least part of what was working for you back then.
8. Experiment with novelty.
Sexual relationships often become boring when you do the same old thing over and over. Decide to become adventurous and try things you haven’t tried before to see if you find them enjoyable. Explore and experiment until you know exactly what turns you on. Do you like back rubs, hot baths, sexy lingerie, certain kinds of touching, some positions more than others, moving slowly or speeding up? The possibilities are endless.
9. Talk openly about your preferences.
As you begin to figure out what you like and don’t like, you have to commit to discussing it openly and specifically with your spouse. Don’t be embarrassed. Unless you address this directly, you aren’t going to get very far. Remind yourself about using action-oriented terms. For example, it isn’t enough to tell your partner, “I would prefer we ‘make love’ rather than ‘have sex’.” You need to be able to put into action-oriented terms what you mean by “making love.” For instance, you might say, “To me, it feels like we are making love when we spend more time kissing and keep our eyes open,” or “When you touch my hair or touch me lightly on my face, it feels more tender and that makes me feel as if we’re making love.” It might feel strange at first to be this specific about your sexual encounters, but your partner won’t understand your needs unless you are.
Sometimes it’s hard to put into words the things that turn you on. If so, offer a “hands-on” demonstration. Show your spouse what to do. If this is uncomfortable for you, consider reading an “improve your sex life” self-help book together at night. It will stimulate some great discussions and who knows what else. Although there are many books from which to choose, the one I most strongly recommend is Hot Monogamy, by Dr. Patricia Love and Jo Robinson. If the process of talking things out seems daunting, see a certified sex therapist.
10. Improve your self-esteem and outlook on life.
If personal issues are preventing you from feeling good about yourself and your life, it’s time to give yourself a boost. You can’t rely on your marriage to be the sole source of your happiness. Everyone must take responsibility for his/her own mental health. If you are feeling crummy, it’s time to do something about it. Pamper yourself. Spend time with friends. Take a challenging class. Develop a new hobby. Exercise regularly. Cut back or eliminate alcohol and tobacco. Read a good book. Be kind to yourself. Take time to nurture your spiritual side. Find a good therapist.
Along these same lines, many times people stop being interested in sex when they stop feeling good about their bodies. A poor body image often makes people feel self-conscious and they will either avoid sexual encounters or be so tense they don’t enjoy themselves. If you are one of those people, you need to do something to change the way you feel about your body. If you have gotten out of shape and aren’t fit, it’s time to start eating better and exercising. The benefits of being in shape extend far beyond your improved sex life. You’ll feel better, look better, and increase the chances you’ll stay healthy.
11. Work on your relationship.
If the dip in your sexual desire is due to negative feelings about your marriage or spouse, it’s time to do something constructive about it. Stop blaming your spouse. You need to take responsibility for making things better so that you will feel more loving toward your spouse. Sign up for a marriage education class – learn new communication skills and methods for handling conflict. Find a skilled marital therapist to help you uncover real solutions to the difficulties you’ve been having. Again, if your partner won’t join you , go yourself. You must get off dead center!
But don’t wait until the issues in your marriage get resolved before you start putting energy into restoring your passion. Your marriage won’t last that long. And here’s a little secret. When you do, you may notice that the relationship problems and issues about which you were so concerned have totally disappeared.
All you really have to do is to tip over the first domino. Show your spouse more affection and attention, then watch the miraculous results. If you’re the one wanting more sex, take a deep breath, more helpful information is on its way.
By Kristina Franklin (primary author), with Mike Prasse and Steven Clemons, Jr.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think sex is an important part of marriage for a woman. These days, though, lots of married women see sex as a discounted duty.
As a marriage counselor of nearly a decade, I see relationships in various stages, and the surprising reality is that not all married women want sex. And it’s not just me who’s seeing it. Several of my counseling colleagues have been exploring the same concern, and I’ll share with you our observations in a moment. First though, let me address why not having sex within a marriage IS a concern…
Marriage is more than a contract it’s a covenant. That means it’s not just a legally binding act, it is a whole person act: emotional, mental, spiritual, physical and sexual. Therefore, all those components go into the relationship. Sex is an essential component. A marriage without sex is incomplete and robs both partners of all God has to offer.
Sex between husbands and wives is special. It’s reserved; a table for two. It’s that one need that only one other person gets to meet. And it was bought by a ring and a vow. This means that when a spouse refuses sex they are giving an ultimate “no” as there shouldn’t be other options available. Each intimate sexual experience where both people give themselves to their spouse renews and refreshes that connection. The focus here is addressing when wives turn away from sex within a marriage even though often the scenario is reversed where a husband stops having sex with his wife. This is a painful source of rejection in a society that judges women’s worth based on their appearance and shame for men who aren’t as sexually driven as some other men.
Reasons for Disengaging in Sexual Intimacy
There are numerous reasons why wives disengage with sex. Here are some:
Sex Seems Optional
Women tend to be overwhelmingly busy in our society. Many of us work, manage finances, raise children, lead or attend groups, exercise, shop, clean, care for extended family, go to school, taxi kids to practices and travel for work. We run on Starbucks fumes and are so exhausted by day’s end that there’s little left of us– emotionally, mentally, physically or sexually. And husbands, big boys that they are, are often left to themselves. There are just so many demands that sex, since it seems optional, often slips down the ladder of priorities. Many wives don’t see sex as essential to the marriage.
All Sexed Out
Many young wives complain that they’re “sexed out” – they had so much sex in their teens and twenties that they just don’t want or need it now. And in the context of sex as just a physical act, that could make sense. But in marriage, sex was never designed to be “just physical.” This is likely a byproduct of society’s view of sex being impersonal. If you’re not in a committed relationship, and if you use protection, you can sleep with whomever, whenever. For this to be true, people learn to separate the emotional and spiritual side of their sexuality, leaving just the physical. This creates a dilemma for the marriages that often takes place years later. Healthy sex in a marriage demands physical, sexual AND emotional vulnerability. Once a person turns off the emotions of sex, it’s hard to turn it back on.
Not enough ROI
Lots of wives, especially ones with young children tell me that sex is just another chore to check off. They know their husband’s need sex – but, they don’t feel like they need it themselves; at least not nearly as much. Perhaps that’s because good sex takes time, energy and effort. It means we shut off our heads, set aside the laundry list of what needs to be done, and let ourselves relax in the sensuality of being “all in” at that moment. And while the reality of “all in” is usually less than an hour, for some, the return on investment (ROI) just isn’t worth it; whereas chocolate; a glass of wine or watching a good show provides instant gratification.
Misconception: Sex is for men
Somewhere along the way, many wives stop thinking that sex is for them. Granted, physiologically women need sexual release less frequently than men, but that doesn’t mean it’s not present and necessary. In addition, common misunderstandings of the differences in the sexual response cycles of women and men have contributed to this error. Often for women, achieving orgasm is not as simple as it is for men. Without an understanding of this difference in God’s design, women can feel unfulfilled in this area of their lives and men can feel frustrated in their perceived lack of ability to meet their wife’s needs, adding increased feelings of detachment and the belief that sex is for men. This error has only been furthered by the proliferation of pornography in our society that reinforces sex as something women do for men.
Lots of women crave tenderness, help and time with their guy – and don’t get it. So when Mr. Wonderful shows up for the first time at day’s end wanting sex, the missus remembers all that he has NOT done for her lately.
We’ve done it all
Once married, many couples lose the “learning mentality” of sex. They do what needs to be done for the release and then roll over. Growing relationships continue to explore and study each other. Married sex must go deeper than orgasm to the emotional connection of the self. That means looking for good in the other person, overlooking flaws, and finding ways to compliment each other’s body, mind, character and self.
Sex for some spouses is a commodity. It’s given in trade for attention or good behavior. It becomes reward or punishment. This mentality poisons a marriage. Withholding oneself or sex from a spouse creates resentment, distance and contempt. In a Christian marriage the Bible says that the body of a husband or wife is not their own, that we have become “one flesh”. That means when we are married we are so connected to our spouse that we cannot withhold ourselves – it would be like not eating! So, not being “in the mood” or “he doesn’t deserve sex” are not relevant. Moreover, Scripture is clear in 1 Corinthians 7:5 that sex was not meant to be used in the way. Paul writes, “Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”
Duty Sex is no fun!
The “let’s just do it (and get it over with)”mentality lacks connection and playfulness; both of which are essential ingredients in a happy and healthy sex life. If we waited for just the right time, place and body for sex — we would miss some really great opportunities to connect and invest in our relationship. We do what is important; we invest in those we love – not because we feel like serving, listening or loving – but because it is right, and necessary. We put the marriage first, over us individually. This is a long-term investment rather than an ATM. The long term benefits are often similar to choosing to go to the gym even when you don’t feel like it, as soon as you are there you are glad you decided to make it happen.
Our culture is self-centered. If we don’t want to, we won’t. If we don’t feel like it, then we don’t. In a successful marriage, there’s no room for selfishness. Spouses who experience their partner being selfish tend to become self-protective. And when one person demands and does not give, it can become manipulative and even abusive. Self-protective partners withdraw and withhold. Usually it starts with emotional detachment, then physical and sexual. Selfishness demeans, separates and ultimately divides a relationship. Relationships break when one or both of the spouses are selfish.
Competing with the Screen
Pornography can devastatingly affect the sex life of couples. Porn divides sexuality. It can emotionally distance a man from true intimacy and the desire to pursue his wife. Some men dealing with addiction to pornography develop sexual anorexia due to the shame involved; others find themselves unable to be aroused by or responsive to a real live woman. And for wives, the sense of betrayal and not being enough for their husbands because of pornography can be heartbreaking. As a result, many women show contempt for their husbands – translating into disregard and withdrawal, or they become sexually paralyzed by comparison– both reactions that alienate the couple.
Some say absence makes the heart grow fonder, but with sex in marriage, the longer you wait, the more awkward sex can seem. Perhaps that’s why in the Jewish culture, sex once a week is considered the minimum. If it has become a long time since your last sexual encounter the first time back will likely be awkward, just plan on it, laugh it off together, and rebuild some regularity. When weeks pass with no intimacy, relational connection is often quashed or looked elsewhere for satisfaction.
So women don’t always feel pretty, and that can get in the way of sex. A woman’s body (as well as her mind and emotions) goes through a lot of changes in a lifetime. Pregnancy, loss, stress, thyroid and hormones can all alter skin and weight. Women who see themselves as only how they look often have difficulty offering their bodies sexually to their husband. Also, there is a common myth in our culture that sex after a certain age is seen as not as fulfilling, particularly as women deal with changes to their bodies and sexual response cycle following menopause. Christian sex therapist Douglas Rosenau in his book A Celebration of Sex after 50, offers helpful advice on how sex can be fulfilling at any age.
For some women intercourse is not just uncomfortable, it’s painful. There are numerous physical ailments (many of them treatable) that make women disinterested in sex. Talking honestly with an OBGYN or Sex Therapist is often really helpful in this situation.
Sex seems Dirty
This can be a block physically, emotionally and mentally for women. Some women grow up in homes where sex is portrayed as sinful or bad. Often the message given to teenager is “sex is bad, but save it for someone you love.” After the honeymoon it’s hard to transition that view to sex being good, healthy and necessary. Too, many women were inappropriately touched when they were children or adolescents or even raped, which can make it difficult to see sex as safe and good. Sexual shame can be a huge block to a healthy, relaxed and meaningful adult sex life with a husband.
The church has often struggled with a biblical understanding of God’s design and purpose for sex, going back to as early as 170 A.D. Early church leaders held beliefs such as: Marriage was only for procreation and some stay virgins in marriage (Justin Martyr), Adam had sex after the fall (Origen), Marriage couldn’t be good because if made prayer difficult (Jerome), and Sex is problematic because it interferes with reason and the call to live a contemplative life (Thomas Aquinas). These beliefs, among many others, became the norm in the church for over 1400 years. It was not until the 1500’s that a man named Martin Luther, who started the great Reformation in calling the church to return to the study and understanding of Scripture over the created traditions of man in the church that this changed. He broke from the belief that the body is sinful and believed Satan spoiled God’s created gift of sex. He further taught that the sex drive is “as natural as hunger or thirst” (Luther: Letters of Spiritual Counsel, 269), and was believed to be the first within the modern organized church to allow sex for pleasure alongside procreation within marriage.
A couple’s sex life often reflects the state of their relationship. When couples stop having sex it is usually the symptom of being disconnected on a deeper level. Typically women first check out emotionally, and then sexually and finally they create parallel lives where they begin living around their spouse. Divorce generally follows. So when wives stop being interested in sex, many times they’ve already disengaged from the relationship.
So what does a healthy sex life in a marriage look like?
Healthy marriages are no less busy than dysfunctional ones, but the priorities are different. Marriage comes first (after God). That means, for a wife, caring for her husband’s needs and wants is her first priority, not 10th priority. This isn’t a doormat mentality; because her husband sacrifices his own wants and needs to put her first. This is anti-selfish, and, as a result, neither spouse has to provide wholly for their own needs or self-protection, because both are protected by and cared for by the other. This enables both husband and wife to have the energy they need to tackle all the other life demands, such as children and careers.
Why Sex in Marriage is Worth It.
Sex is designed for marriage, and marriage is designed to include sex. It is something God created to put life and pleasure into a marriage. In a safe, growing relationship it’s not a duty to perform, but a purposeful, intentional desire to grow closer to each other.
For true sexual intimacy it demands that both people vulnerably offer themselves:
6 Reasons Why a Woman Doesn’t Want to Have Sex
People say communication is the key to a successful relationship. No arguments here, but physical intimacy also ranks high on the list. Whether you’ve been married to a woman for over a decade or are a few dates in with someone new, sex plays an undeniably big role in how the two of you connect. So when your girlfriend, wife, or latest fling doesn’t want to hit the sheets, something is probably up.
Barring any major relationship issues, it’s easy to think she just isn’t feeling attracted to you. Before you start feeling too lousy about yourself, know there are some much more complex issues at play. We recently chatted with Cindy Barshop, former star of The Real Housewives of New York City and CEO of VSPOT Medi-Spa, and Dr. Carolyn DeLucia, a gynecologist who works with VSPOT, to talk about the reasons women might not feel like being intimate.
This duo had quite a bit to reveal and, while they acknowledged some complications are more difficult than others, they’re working to help women feel more empowered when it comes to their sex lives by seeking out appropriate treatments and maintaining an honest conversation with their partners. Acknowledging these complications is the first step to starting the discussion.
1. It isn’t a priority
Parents with their baby | iStock.com
It’s not uncommon for your sex life to suffer after starting a family, even if it’s just because your wife or partner is too exhausted to do anything but sleep after crawling into bed. And if your kids are close by, you might feel like you don’t have enough privacy to get busy between the sheets. “We’re distracted by the actual impact, emotionally, of raising a family and knowing those children are in the next room,” DeLucia explained. Worrying about your 3-year old hearing the two of you going at it definitely puts a damper on things.
And don’t forget about the possibility that many women are focused on their careers and may be flying solo as a parent. This was the case for Barshop. “I’m a mom of twins and I really wasn’t dating a lot,” she said. “I basically didn’t have the mindset to date. I was like, ‘I’m fine. I’ll do it later on.’” If a woman hardly has time to get together for dinner, it’s likely she isn’t going to make beeline for you bedroom.
2. Being intimate causes physical pain
A disconnected couple | iStock.com
In simple terms, most of us enjoy intercourse because it feels good. Yes, it’s also a way to connect with someone you care about, but the physical sensation matters a lot. If it doesn’t feel good, the desire quickly diminishes.
When women reach a certain stage in life, their bodies becomes less geared toward sexual activity as they leave their childbearing years behind. These changes can spell huge implications for the way sex feels. “What I’ve felt going through monopause is that the walls of the vagina were very, very dry and intercourse was painful,” DeLucia said. “And that’s going to affect libido. If it hurts, why in God’s name would you want to do it?”
3. It doesn’t feel the same as it used to
An upset couple | iStock.com
Even if intercourse isn’t outright painful for a woman, it can be lackluster after kids enter the picture. “After giving birth, either vaginally or by cesarean section, the anatomy is altered,” DeLucia explained. “With the change in anatomy of our vagina, the walls are stretched out and the bladder neck is weakened. There’s a definite change in blood supply as well.” If it doesn’t physically feel the same as it used to, you both may have to make some adjustments.
Breast feeding plays a role as well. DeLucia said, in her own experience, “it really felt almost like menopause how uncomfortable the changes in tissue were.”
4. She has a hormonal imbalance
A woman talking to a doctor | iStock.com
Some of our topics so far have glanced over menopause, but there’s even more to the story. If your partner is just entering this phase of her life, it’s going to be a big adjustment for both of you. “Our hormones are going up and down and all around,” DeLucia said. “You have hot flashes and night sweats, and you don’t feel too sexy when you wake up drenched at night.”
Hormonal shifts have implications for younger women as well. “There are many hormonal changes in our bodies and irregularities, like polycystic ovarian syndrome, where you have an imbalance of not getting your period regularly,” DeLucia explained.
Even a woman’s diet and workout habits can drastically impact her hormones. “Patients who have anorexia or are just extreme athletes don’t have enough body fat to produce enough estrogen and their vaginas will feel menopausal, even though they are young,” DeLucia said. When this happens, a woman’s reproductive system shuts down and they’ll stop menstruating. If all that turns off, so does the desire to be sexually active.
5. She feels self-conscious about her body
A woman looking in the mirror | iStock.com
Most people associate body image issues with teenagers, but even older women find themselves dealing with these issues, particularly if they’re comparing themselves to the way they looked 10 or 15 years ago. It was something Barshop definitely found herself worrying about. “I wasn’t in as good of shape as I was before, so there was a bit of a body image issue after being pregnant and giving birth to two girls,” she said.
Another thing a lot of women are too embarrassed to talk about is the change in certain bodily functions after childbirth. For many, controlling urinary function becomes a problem. According to Barshop, “It affects your everyday life if you have urinary leakage: what you wear, who you go out with, what you drink during the day, when you bathe, everything.” And yes, that includes sex. A female won’t be interested in being intimate if she’s worried about literally wetting the bed.
6. Her medications are getting in the way
Medications | iStock.com
Many medications come with a long list of side-effects, and sexual function is one of them. The biggest offenders in this department are antidepressants. DeLucia said many of these types of medications, particularly selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors like Zoloft, cause libido to drop. And these medications aren’t just reserved for those who suffer from depression. “We use antidepressants to treat PMDD or premenstrual dysmorphic disorder, women who suffer terribly before their periods,” DeLucia said.
Lastly, DeLucia mentioned certain blood pressure drugs can also interfere with sexual function. This can be a real challenge because cardiovascular disease itself often makes it difficult to engage in intercourse. If a sudden drop in sex drive coincides with your partner starting a new medication, you may have found the culprit.
My girlfriend and I have been going out for about 18 months, and we have been living together for six months.
When we started the relationship, sex was very good and quite regular at least two or three times a week but over the last five to six months it has been not so regular – once a fortnight if that. We are still quite close and affectionate with each other, so there seems to be nothing wrong there.
But I feel she is no longer interested in sex with me because when I try to come on to her, she always says she is tired or has a headache. I feel quite let down by this — as she says she still wants me to come on to her even though she will probably say no.
I feel so confused and scared to approach her sexually as I am afraid she might say, ‘No’. She never comes on to me or suggests making love. If I try to touch her she moves away from me or sighs. She keeps telling me that she loves me and that she finds me very sexy.
We are due to get married in a little under six months’ time and I am worried this is going to carry on into the marriage. I love her very much and I pay her compliments all the time. I have tried talking to her about this and she tells me I am just worrying about nothing and that there are more important things in the relationship that sex.
I have even tried giving her a few weeks’ space to see if this would help but it didn’t. I don’t know what else to do to get her interested in a sex life.
This young lady may well have psycho-sexual problems, and it certainly appears that she has a sex drive that is much less than yours.
Under these circumstances, going ahead and marrying her would carry quite a risk. I’m sorry. Let’s see what Christine thinks …
Sorry to say this, but I feel it would be real folly for you to go ahead with the marriage in present circumstances. David is absolutely right about this.
We spend much of our time answering emails from married people who are unhappy because their sex drives are incompatible. Please don’t join their number.
But, before you simply dismiss her sex drive as being less than yours – which it may well be – I do think perhaps it would be worth looking at whether or not sex is good for her. It is possible that she’s not keen on it because she doesn’t really ‘come’, or because you’re not doing the kind of things that will arouse her and help her to orgasm.
So my best suggestion is that you make an appointment for the two of you at your local Family Planning Clinic. An experienced woman doctor there will help you to put things right if it is merely a matter of technique.
She may also be able to help if the problem is one of attitude caused by a strict or restrictive upbringing. I don’t know what kind of parenting your girlfriend had, but it could be that this is responsible for her not wanting more sex.
However, if the Family Planning Clinic fails to sort you both out and if there’s nothing wrong with technique and your girlfriend’s upbringing was open and liberal, then I think you have to assume that she is just not as interested in sex as you are. In which case, please think very carefully whether – at the tender age of 28 – you’re prepared to settle for much less sex, long term, than you feel you want and need.
Dr David Delvin, GP and Christine Webber, sex and relationships expert
Last updated 12.09.2006