- Jacqueline Gualtieri
- 15. I don’t get enough action
- 14. It’s not what it looks like
- 13. All men do it
- 12. It’s just a little bit of hanky panky
- 11. My wife doesn’t attract me anymore
- 10. My life is too stressful
- 9. My dad did it and my mom didn’t have a problem
- 8. I was in the wrong place at the wrong time
- 7. I was only flirting
- 6. I needed a change
- 5. I don’t feel like I’m good enough for you
- 4. You’re never there for me
- 3. You don’t get me like she does
- 2. I thought I’d get away with it
- 1. I don’t know why I did it
- The 6 Most Common Excuses Men Make for Cheating
- Why Do Happily Married Men Cheat on the Wives They Love?
- Jeff Bezos reportedly dating former news anchor Lauren Sanchez
- 1. Lack of love
- 2. Sexual desire
- 3. Neglect
- Author leans on faith after husband’s infidelity and her cancer diagnosis
- 4. Situation
- 5. Variety
- 6. Low commitment
- 7. Esteem
- 8. Anger
- How to give and receive forgiveness, repair relationships
- What you need to know:
- They have a self esteem problem, and they’re seeking validation.
- They’re afraid.
- Or they want to end things, but sabotage the relationship instead.
- They feel neglected by their partner, sexually and/or emotionally.
- They truly didn’t think the consequences through.
- They craved variety, and acted on it.
- They met someone else.
- So how do you prevent cheating in a relationship?
- Why Do Men Cheat?
- Unfulfilled Emotional Needs
- The Thrill, Insecurity, and Ego
- Sexual Addiction
Being cheated on is a terrible feeling. There are a lot of emotions and thoughts that run through your mind. Worse still is when your partner echoes those thoughts. Most cheaters won’t admit that they’re cheating, not at first, which leads to accusations, denials, gaslighting, and so many more painful things.
If you’re confronting a cheater and they’re firing back at you with some of these common defenses, you may want to keep pushing for the truth.
1. “You’re being paranoid.”
He smells like perfume although you don’t wear any. She comes home late on Friday nights and you haven’t been out with her for a while. When you try to go with her or suggest that you do something together, she gets angry and upset and flustered. Or maybe you even saw him kiss someone else. And yet when you approach him, he tells you not to trust your own eyes. These are all a form of gaslighting. Gaslighting is when someone tries to convince someone else not to trust their own mind, making them feel crazy. It puts the power back in the cheater’s hands. Because now you doubt your own mind and, if you feel like you can’t trust yourself, you’ll have to trust them more. You won’t accuse them again if you feel like you can’t trust yourself and what you’re saying.
2. “I don’t know, where were you last night?”
Deflection is a very common tactic. The accused has become the accuser. Now you’re in the hot seat and have to defend yourself. The goal of the cheater, is to make you so concerned about defending yourself that you won’t realize they aren’t defending themselves. They’re trying to shift the focus on you so that they don’t have to worry about lying and being caught in a lie.
3. “We never have sex anymore.”
The cheater is placing the blame on you and using sex as a defense. Oftentimes, when someone finds out their partner is cheating, they already blame themselves. They wonder what they could have done differently or why their significant other isn’t happy with them. Sex plays an important role in many relationships and it can play a role in why relationships end. Although it can be hard to go a long time without sex, it’s not an excuse to cheat. That being said, many people use it as such.
4. “You know I haven’t been happy in a long time.”
Again the cheater is placing the blame on the accuser, but in this case, there’s a little bit more truth to it. It’s not necessarily that the physical was lacking but the emotional. Again, that’s not a reason to cheat, but many cheaters will bring it up in order to defend their actions. When we’re unhappy, we often seek outside validation to become happy again. It’s one reason why cheaters seek connections outside their relationship.
5. “It didn’t mean anything. It was a one time thing and it will never happen again.”
Your partner got a quick fix but they’re owning up to it, or at least saying that they are. Cheating happens. A lot. And unfortunately most people, with men being the main culprits here, cheat with multiple people. Women have more of a tendency of cheating with one person, although that doesn’t mean that they don’t cheat with that one person multiple times. When your partner says it was a one time thing, take it with a grain of salt because, statistically, it wasn’t a one time thing.
6. “I can’t believe you don’t trust me.”
Another thing cheaters do to deflect blame and put you on the defensive, is to accuse you of not trusting them. They’ll make it seem like you’re somehow being cruel or petty for even bringing up the idea of cheating. It’s ok to have doubts about someone in a relationship. Trust is something that’s earned and needs to be reinforced throughout your relationship. If they want to keep your trust, the person you’re with should be willing to talk about your doubts and fears. But if they lash out with accusations and go on the attack, it’s a sign that they’ll guilty of something and are trying to hide it.
Not all relationships end after an affair, but you have to know what you’re getting into when you choose to continue a relationship. Take into account what they said when they were confronted. Were they honest, at least in terms of what their own truth was? Or did they deny or gaslight you? Because if it was the latter, continuing might just be continuing down a rabbit hole of more lies.
Jacqueline Gualtieri is a writer and blogger whose best friend once told her to quit her job and become a couples and sex therapist. Since she’d miss writing too much, she figured writing for The Date Mix would be the next best thing.
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The responsibilities that come with relationships are sometimes hard to carry. Probably the toughest part about them is to control yourself and stay loyal to your partner. But for some people, it’s impossible and they fall into the habit of cheating on their partners. These men only care about their self-satisfaction and do not value the intimacy they hold with their partner. When they are caught doing wrong, they come up with the weirdest yet shocking excuses to cover themselves.
Cheating, these days, is very common in relationships. Studies show that one-fourth of all marriages go through rough times due to cheating and unfaithfulness. ‘All happy relationships are the same, but each unhappy relationship is unique in its own way,’ said Tolstoy. We agree with that! Here, we list some of the most shocking and unique excuses men make to justify cheating.
15. I don’t get enough action
Via: Game Of Thrones Wiki
Men have more sexual needs than women. This is in their nature, undoubtedly. They can’t resist their sexual desires, unlike most women. When they want it, they want it. If their partner is tired from work or other activities or if their partner doesn’t feel like tiring themselves more and says no to them, they feel angry and sexually frustrated. It is this frustration that leads them to other women. Men should practice patience and understand their partners’ situations instead of only thinking about their needs. They should know when to control themselves instead of cheating.
14. It’s not what it looks like
The first thing you’d hear a guy say when caught cheating on his partner is that the whole situation is not what it looks like and that he can explain. Sometimes, life is tough for some people in a relationship. Daily fights become a vicious cycle and everything is left unsolved. It becomes a pain for many. So in this hell, some guys try to escape the hard atmosphere in order to feel better. They go to other women and cheat on their partners, intentionally or unintentionally. And when caught, guys always have loads of excuses to give but the first reflex is to say that it’s not what it looks like and that they still love them.
13. All men do it
In our society, it’s very normal for guys to cheat no matter how wrong it is. Guys find it hard to resist temptations in today’s world. So they do it, guilt-free. Some men do it when they see other guys do it. They find the idea of being with more than one woman attractive and desire to try it too. Overwhelmed by the temptation, they cheat on their partners, not caring about the feelings their partner holds for them. It’s better to get rid of such a partner who doesn’t care about your heart or your feelings. It’s hard to spot this trait in the beginning of a relationship because most guys know very well how to win a girl over from the very first date.
12. It’s just a little bit of hanky panky
For most men, sex and love are two different things. They think it’s okay to have sex with other women as long as they love their partner. It’s their definition of loyalty. But they still fear their partner finding out about the cheating they do. They don’t want to hurt their partner’s feelings yet they do it. When caught in the act, they justify it saying that they only love their partner and no other women. It was only sex and nothing more. These men should not take their partner’s feelings for granted. It’s better to think twice before getting themselves involved in sticky situations, knowing fully well how hurtful it will be to their partners if they find out.
11. My wife doesn’t attract me anymore
Most guys think looks are permanent but after marriage when they see looks fading away, they start drifting away from their wife. So they cheat and the excuse for it is that their wife doesn’t attract them anymore. They easily get tempted by other women. Instead of realizing the fact that we humans age and our looks fade with time and accepting their wife as she is, they drool over other women that they find younger and prettier than their wife. The men who cheat seem to ignore their own appearances completely. It’s a known double standard with men that they look for and demand perfection in their wife but do not care about how they should offer the same to their partner.
10. My life is too stressful
Some guys do have ongoing issues when they decide to cheat on their partners. Some men deal with drugs or alcoholic issues. Some have family issues like their relationship is not working out or office troubles. This stress at times results in something really bad. They cheat on their partners and later on regret it. For such men, it’s better to consult a therapist. It’s also the duty of their partner to help them fix the mess and make their life less stressful if they have become a factor contributing to their husband’s stress. Also, stress can make you do things that are bad but it is no justification to go on with it and make it a habit.
9. My dad did it and my mom didn’t have a problem
Some men make cheating a matter of legacy and some of them put the blame on their biology. When they see their father cheating on their mother, they find it normal to do as well. They then cheat without even a bit of hesitation, just as their father did. Some men say that it’s in their biological nature to cheat and they think it is totally okay to do so. Studies show that men do get attracted to other women a lot but that’s not their biology. It’s entirely in a man’s control to cheat or stay loyal. A man with lust and desires can ignore them if he controls himself, instead of justifying it as man’s nature.
8. I was in the wrong place at the wrong time
Some men blame it entirely on the circumstances as their reason for cheating on their partners. Men always say it was unintentional and it happened because they were at the wrong place at the wrong time. It’s a silly excuse yet they try to cover themselves with it. These men are usually incapable of accepting their faults and apologizing and find it easier to blame whatever is in their reach for their actions. Needless to say, an intentional act is always a person’s own fault. It’s always in the hands of a person to hurt their partner or not. But out of habit, they must blame something for their wrongdoing, so let that be time and place.
7. I was only flirting
After cheating on their partners, most men try to pretend as it was nothing serious and that they were only flirting a bit with other women. Flirting is also cheating, by the way. Such men are in simple words, shallow and unfaithful by nature. They don’t care about how their partner feels. It’s better to judge such a person before getting into a real relationship with them. The sooner, the better. But if it’s too late when you find out about it, it’s wise to get rid of them before they try to hurt you again. Don’t let such unfaithful men be loved or forgiven.
6. I needed a change
Out of all the reasons why a man could cheat, the most bizarre is monotony. Some men tend to get bored of their daily life routine earlier than usual. The same old love turns cringe-worthy for them and they wish for an instant change. That is when the first instinct to cheat on their partner comes up. They cheat without any guilt. They feel compelled to make their life better by seeking the thrill of other relationships. And when caught red-handed, they say change is good as their cover. They justify their cheating by explaining the need to live a better life and for that a new love/partner is necessary. How can they live a new happy life by hurting someone’s feelings is beyond comprehension.
5. I don’t feel like I’m good enough for you
Some men think of cheating as one of the ways to get rid of their partner when they no longer love them. When caught in the act, they try to gain sympathy from their partner by making their cheating out to be the effect of low self-esteem. Saying I cheated because I don’t feel good enough for you is a pretense. All they need is to end the relationship and get into something new. This is a rather immature approach. If a person no longer wants to be in a relationship, he should talk it out with his partner instead of taking the long and nasty way of damaging their partner worse than hurting them with honesty which would hurt less.
4. You’re never there for me
Often, when found cheating on their partners, some men always try to shift the guilt towards their partner. They say that their partner was never enough for them or was never there for them in their hour of need. This may be true but it is never a justifiable reason why a man should cheat on a woman who has already given him so much. Some women tend to not care about their partner’s emotional and physical needs, as they can be preoccupied with their own life. This leads the guys to seek comfort in the company of other women, and cheating is usually a byproduct of when that happens. But more often than not, it’s only an excuse to cheat on their partners for men. When they have to cheat, no love could stop them from doing so.
3. You don’t get me like she does
Men who are caught cheating are often found making the excuse that their partners don’t understand them like other women do. It’s true that some women are actually all about themselves; they don’t care about the needs of their men. So the reasons behind these excuses might be genuine but that doesn’t give men any permission to betray their women. Instead, they should talk it out. There are always options to save the relationship. Often, this statement is nothing more than a lame excuse. Some men find it intimidating to connect with their partners or work out their relationship. So, they go to other women because it’s easier for them than the challenge at home. For such men, couple therapy is highly recommended.
2. I thought I’d get away with it
Some men have a love for cheap thrills. They like living on the edge. When they are in a relationship, they like to risk it for the love of danger. They indulge themselves in different affairs with other women. They think they’ll get away with it without anyone getting suspicious. But at times, they fail very badly. It is this habit of playing with fire that makes such men cheat on their partners, which is a shame. They don’t care about how much they are risking. This selfishness and craziness on their part hurts their partner leading to other issues.
1. I don’t know why I did it
This is probably the most maddening thing a woman will ever hear from a man. Some guys fail to come up with any excuses at all as to why they cheated and when they’re made to explain themselves, they fall short of any reasoning. Many factors can play a role here. It may be an underlying issue they haven’t been able to address, problems in their personal life that they’re subconsciously running from, or a scarred past that makes them unstable and unreliable in a relationship. Unattended issues manifest themselves in the form of such irrational behaviors i.e cheating on their partners. These men have seemingly perfect lives and choose to cheat. Most of the time, they will not be able to find the peace they’re looking for by cheating and end up either confessing themselves or being caught red-handed. And the excuse is nothing. Whatever the reason may be, it is not justifiable for a man to break hearts because he’s unsure of himself and what he wants from life.
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The 6 Most Common Excuses Men Make for Cheating
I have spent much of the past 30 years providing therapy to individuals and couples struggling with infidelity and related issues. And there is one thing I have learned to expect in these sad situations. Inevitably, at some point in the process, both the cheater and the betrayed partner will attempt to make sense of their pain by trying to trace it back to its source. By this, I mean that cheaters will ask themselves, “Why did I do this,” and betrayed partners will demand to know, “Why did you do this to me?”
When it’s a man who’s done the cheating, I tend to hear some incredibly interesting responses. In fact, I would like to suggest that men are rarely more creative than when they’re manufacturing an excuse to rationalize their cheating. Sure, some of the responses I hear are fear-based duds. But overall, I’m more than slightly impressed with the extent and variety of quick-thinking male ingenuity when it comes to justifying sextracurricular activity.
Below you will find the Top 6 Reasons Men Give for “Why I Cheated.” Please note that the excuses listed below, while creative and reasonable in the minds of the men saying them, are rarely more than desperate, mostly misguided attempts to avoid being accountable while also trying to control the emotional volatility of a rightfully angry betrayed partner. Please also note that I’m not giving females a free pass here. I will post a similar entry with the reasons they give for cheating.
1. “I Didn’t Expect to Get Caught”
- It’s her fault for snooping on my phone and laptop. Don’t I deserve a little privacy?
- What my partner doesn’t know can’t hurt her/him.
- If the police had been out chasing real criminals, I’d never have been picked up for public sex.
Reality: Betrayed partners typically know something is amiss in a relationship long before they know they’re being cheated on. They sense the emotional (and sometimes physical) distancing, and that causes them to wonder what’s happening and to look for answers. Betrayed partners are hurting long before the infidelity is discovered.
2. “If You Were Married to Her/Him, You Would Cheat Too”
- My wife only wants to have sex when she is in the mood, and even then, she’s a cold fish.
- My partner cheated on me, too. He had sex with a hustler when away on business, so why should I feel bad about doing the same?
- After she got the kids she wanted, I stopped getting the sex I wanted.
Reality: This excuse may reflect reality (or partial reality), but only rarely do cheaters attempt to address the situation in a healthy way (like couple’s counseling) before they commit infidelity.
3. “What’s the Big Deal? It’s Not Like We Actually Had Sex”
- Flirting is just me being nice. Am I not allowed to be nice?
- All we did was make out. We never took our clothes off.
- It was just a hand-job at a strip club. I never even asked her name.
Reality: As outlined in Out of the Doghouse: A Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, a betrayed partner’s pain related to infidelity is more about the lying and secrets used to cover up than the actual sexual behavior. Moreover, betrayed partners uniformly believe that flirting, making out, and engaging in non-vaginal sex do count as infidelity.
4. “It Didn’t Mean Anything to Me, So It’s No Big Deal”
- I didn’t feel any sort of emotional connection, so my partner shouldn’t be so upset.
- This is why men have strip clubs, so we can have a little fun without actually cheating.”
Reality: Admittedly, infidelity with an element of emotional connection (as with a long-term affair) generally hurts betrayed partners more than a purely sexual betrayal, but that doesn’t mean that “mere sexploration” is not painful for the cheated-on partner.
5. “Every Guy Cheats”
- The social construct where men are only supposed to have sex with one woman for life is stupid. It’s not natural, and nobody expects us to stick to that.
- Every man does this. If a guy says he’s 100 percent faithful, he’s lying.
- Men are wired to have sex with as many women as possible, so when we have a chance for a little side action, we take it.
Reality: Not all men cheat. Instead, they agree to a monogamous relationship, and they stick to that promise. If an opportunity for infidelity arises, they think about how much cheating would hurt their partner, and they walk away.
6. “I Was Thinking About My Spouse the Whole Time”
- She reminded me so much of my wife when we first met that I couldn’t stop myself.
- The sex my partner and I have together is so amazing. It makes me want to have sex with everyone.
- I’m interested in a little bit of kink, and I don’t want to burden my wife with that.
Reality: Do I even need to discuss the reality of statements like these? I’m amazed that the guys who make these statements can do it without their heads popping off.
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Why Do Happily Married Men Cheat on the Wives They Love?
While women do cheat, the fact is men cheat more than women. It may come as cold comfort to women scorned, but they don’t seem to do so with the same intention as women. Cheaters, specifically repeat cheaters, tend to be opportunistic and capable of emotional compartmentalization. Why do men cheat? Some may cheat because they are unsatisfied, but, as a rule, men don’t cheat because they are unhappy. Men cheat because they think they can get away with it and because they’re willing to let themselves get away with it. Cheating is, strangely, a behavior that can make it hard to be a good father and husband, but also a behavior that isn’t actually correlated with familial love or care.
“They think, well, I just did this but in every other way I’m reliable, I’m responsible, I’m committed, I show up, I’m a really good guy. It’s just the cheating,” Robert Weiss, a therapist and author of Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating. “What they don’t understand is that women don’t think that way.”
In his experience counseling couples who’ve been devastated by infidelity, Weiss has found that despite being stereotypically seen as good at fixing things, men are almost universally terrible at repairing the damage done by cheating. Because the sex didn’t mean much to them and was simply available, they severely underestimate how devastating their behavior might be to their partner. For men who don’t come clean or get caught, repeat offenses are the product of the same mentality: It’s just sex.
Approximately 20 percent of men admit to cheating, compared to 13 percent of women, according to the General Social Survey. Fathers may cheat more. Estimates suggest around 10 percent of expecting fathers cheat on their pregnant wives, and there’s reason to believe a man’s resistance to temptation is stronger when he’s newly married and having a bunch of sex in the kitchen in front of his new appliances then when his partner’s interest is declining. While women tend to cheat up, bedding potentially more suitable mates, men cheat down and all around.
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Unlike men who cheat chronically as a result of deeper-rooted attachment disorders and sex addictions, healthy men who cheat occasionally are not pathological, they’re immature, Weiss says, adding, “Most men fall somewhere in the middle between being absolutely faithful and having cheated once, realizing it was immature and learning from it.”
The good news is that most men don’t need to cheat to understand the hurt it may cause to their partner — that can be accomplished through healthy, and more important, continued communication about trust, intimacy, and opportunities for temptation as they arise.
Weiss recalls one man who came to him in a counseling session expressing the urge to cheat with a colleague, and he advised him to treat his marriage as a contract. If he wanted to have sex with another person, he’d need to discuss it with his wife first in order to renegotiate terms. When he did, he saw the pain it would cause her before doing it, rather than retroactively — and guess what? He never cheated. To Weiss, only that level of maturity and consideration can keep men from cheating.
“To be able to put your spouse so fully out of mind that you can do something that you know would hurt them and you do it anyway. A mature person keeps their partner in mind wherever they are.”
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Infidelity is costly — it can lead to tears, break-ups, divorces and even violence. So why do people do it?
The question haunts lovers and fascinates researchers, with a recent study offering some sobering findings: You could be doing everything right and your partner could still be tempted to cheat for reasons that have nothing to do with you or the quality of feelings you share.
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It’s something people should consider as they think about their relationships, said Dylan Selterman, lead author of the study, published in The Journal of Sex Research, and a social psychologist at the University of Maryland.
“One of the biggest myths in relationships is that people think, ‘Oh, my partner cheated therefore there is something wrong. There’s an underlying problem either with me or the relationship.’ That’s not necessarily the case,” Selterman told TODAY.
“This speaks to the idea that humans are promiscuous, and even if things are going well, that does not necessarily mean that there’s not a desire for more — at least in terms of more experiences with other partners.”
Infidelity is one of the most distressing things you can experience in a romantic relationship, so it’s very important to understand why lovers are motivated to be unfaithful, he added.
The study, based on responses from 495 people who had cheated on a partner, found eight basic motivations for infidelity. The participants were young, 20 years old on average, but their reasons for straying are common themes that could apply across other ages, Selterman said.
Here are eight reasons why people cheat on their partners:
1. Lack of love
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Feeling that your partner is not “The One” for you. No longer feeling passionate love or even falling out of love. Perceiving the relationship to be boring, dull or stagnant. “Lack of love is a powerful motivation — it’s definitely one of the stronger ones,” Selterman noted.
2. Sexual desire
Feeling unsatisfied with the sex life you have in your relationship, perhaps because your partner has lost interest or you want to try something new that your partner can’t give you. “We also found people might be motivated to test the waters with regards to their own orientation or identity,” he said.
Feeling that your partner is not paying enough attention to you or not spending enough time with you. Not feeling appreciated.
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When you’re in a different setting or not quite yourself — perhaps when you’re on vacation, drunk or under a lot of stress — you may have a momentary urge to sexually explore that would not necessarily be part of your stable, everyday behavior. “Landmark events,” such as an upcoming 40th birthday, may also lead you to cheat. One study showed “9-enders“ — people who are 29, 39, 49 and so on — may seek an affair as they approach a new decade to try to find meaning in their life.
You live by the motto “You only live once,” so you want to try lots of sexual experiences with as many partners as possible.
6. Low commitment
This is oriented toward people’s definitions of exclusivity, Selterman said. “Some people say they never discussed being exclusive with their partner or ‘I didn’t want to get too close,’ or ‘I don’t envision a future with this person,’” he noted. “They’re in a relationship, but they haven’t specified that the commitment level is high or the exclusivity is there.”
You feel sleeping with others will improve your sense of self-worth, signal your independence or increase your social status and popularity.
You suspect or know your partner has betrayed you, so you want to get even. “The motivation is revenge,” Selterman said.
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What you need to know:
Men were more likely to list motivations having to do with sexual desire, while women pointed to neglect, the study found.
If the notion that your loved one could cheat even if you think you’re doing everything right or believe you’re exclusive is scary, Selterman advised having an honest conversation with your partner about your relationship and monogamy.
“‘Doing everything right’ — that can mean many different things,” he said. “It could be the case that you think things are going very, very well, but in your partner’s mind maybe not so much. It could be the case that there’s room for improvement or that partners have not been on the same page with regards to exclusivity.”
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When a boyfriend cheated on me with a mutual “friend” years ago, I was sad, disappointed and furious with them both. It threw me into a tailspin of toxic thoughts, from pointless comparisons (Does he find her more attractive?) to loss of faith in our relationship (When did he fall out of love with me?!). But one
question rose above the din, and looped like a drumbeat in my head in the weeks that followed: Why did he do it? Knowing the answer couldn’t turn back the clock and make him un-cheat on me, but I did hope it would help give clarity to a situation I otherwise had no control over.
As anyone who’s ever been cheated on knows, learning that your spouse or significant other has strayed outside your relationship is a uniquely painful experience. In the midst of the teary talks and arguments that follow your discovery of the betrayal, you might never hear an actual reason (or, as in the case of my then-boyfriend, they don’t fully know the answer themselves). And you might not even see the signs. Here are eight reasons why people cheat, according to experts.
They have a self esteem problem, and they’re seeking validation.
“Sex is not the primary reason people cheat,” says Paul Hokemeyer, PhD, psychotherapist and author of Fragile Power: Why Having Everything Is Never Enough. “The primary reason is that there’s a deficiency in their life and specifically, in their ego. They feel incomplete.”
According to Hokemeyer, the thrill of an indiscretion and the work it takes to keep it a secret can be as exhilarating as the person they’ve cheated on you with.
“This expenditure of energy is a distraction from the hole they feel in their soul. The complex and exhausting process of managing an affair enables them to soothe an ache through an elixir of power, sexual validation, and endogenous opioids like dopamine and oxytocin, which our body produces when we connect romantically and sexually with another human being,” he continues. “It also creates a huge distraction that keeps them from looking at the real problem and taking responsibility for it.”
Why would someone who’s in love with their spouse or significant other cheat? As with so many poor decisions, the choice is often fear-based. Hokemeyer says they might be afraid that “they’re not worthy of love, that they’re losing their sex appeal, or they’re being discounted or outright dismissed by others. In short, they feel unseen and unable to find enough validation in their relationship.”
“Whatever their fears are, the job of “fixing” it is up to them (and ideally a therapist), and doesn’t fall to you to manage—especially if it isn’t something the two of you have discussed before.
Or they want to end things, but sabotage the relationship instead.
Decimating as breakups can be, it isn’t “nicer” to stay with someone when you’re unhappy; it’s dishonest. You probably know that sabotaging a relationship in order to avoid initiating an awkward or painful breakup is even less nice. Oh, if only everybody knew this.
“Often this is type of person who doesn’t want to be the ‘bad guy’ and break up and instead cheats, allowing their partner to find out in hopes the other person will do the breaking up,” says Caroline Madden, Phd, a marriage therapist specializing in infidelity issues and author of Blindsided By His Betrayal. “See also, ‘Men who cheat at their bachelor party and then confess'”
Hokemeyer says the thought of leaving a relationship can drive some people to much worse behavior (there’s that fear, again). “Even if we know, deep in our hearts, that our current relationship is wrong, or even abusive, our neurophysiology compels us to play it safe and avoid interpersonal conflict,” he says “To manage this terror people act out sideways to destroy a relationship. One of the most destructive is to have an affair.”
They feel neglected by their partner, sexually and/or emotionally.
In Madden’s experience with clients, women tell her that they acted on the temptation of infidelity because they felt “their husband doesn’t pursue them enough.” These women, she says, yearn for small tokens of appreciation—such as flowers, or compliments on how nice they look—and resent their spouses for being so withholding (leading them to, as Hokemeyer put it, feel unseen).
Mostly, Madden treats married couples who are grappling with the husband’s infidelity. And those husbands often point to a largely sexless marriage as their motivation. As she puts it from their perspective, “What does a man do when his wife has unilaterally shut down sex in their relationship? Or sex is so infrequent that it’s full of anxiety so it isn’t enjoyable or connecting? Does he break up the family, so that he can have his adult needs met?”
Even when these husbands have broached their frustration, “frankly, she counts on him being a good family man who would never cheat. She takes him for granted. Then someone at work smiles at him. Laughs at his jokes. Says that his wife must be lucky to have him…” The bottom line? Never feeling appreciated may, in some cases, lead to cheating, Madden says.
They truly didn’t think the consequences through.
While this may be more likely in a shorter-term relationship than in a long-term partnership such as a marriage, giving into a fling on a business trip or a mutual attraction with a friend might feel thrilling in the moment. The fallout doesn’t feel real, until it is.
“Often people get caught up in the fun of an affair,” Madden explains. “What they aren’t prepared for is the devastation it causes. That their strong partner will be in the fetal position crying on the floor. They simply aren’t prepared for the pain that they could cause another individual.”
They craved variety, and acted on it.
Developing attractions outside of your relationship and having sexual fantasies are both perfectly normal. It’s when one decides to act on an outside attraction, that the trouble begins.
“We all have an innate sexuality, and in a committed relationship we agree to only express that sexuality within the relationship,” Madden says. “Sometimes we are looking to that other side of ourselves. Different people bring out different aspects of our personality.”
They met someone else.
Of all the causes of infidelity, this might be the most crushing (and the most straightforward). As brutal as it is, a person leaving their spouse or significant other for someone new is far from unheard of: Part of America’s endless fascination with the old Jen-Brad-Angelina story is the underlying idea that it could potentially happen to anyone. That said, no one can “steal” anyone who doesn’t want to be stolen, whether they’re in a casual relationship or an unhappy marriage.
So how do you prevent cheating in a relationship?
The short answer is, you can’t. But according to Hokemeyer, “the best way to avoid being in a relationship with a person who cheats is to look for the warning signs before you get into a relationship with them.” Rule one? Don’t engage with narcissists, he says. Check out a few tell-tale signs you’re dealing with a narcissist here.
Madden says fortifying marriages with a healthy sex life, meaning one that’s mutually satisfying for both of you, can only help. “There isn’t anything that anyone can do to ‘affair-proof’ a relationship, and more than you can burglar-proof your house,” she says. “But having regular connecting sex with your partner is a good first line of defense.” She agrees, though, that this advice doesn’t apply to a cheater with a narcissistic disorder or sexual compulsion.
If you’ve learned your partner’s been unfaithful—and they want to try and work through it—only you can decide whether to stay or go. A gut check, a clear-eyed inventory of your relationship’s overall health, and a lot of communication with your spouse or significant other are positive baby steps forward. An objective professional can also be a huge help, whether you want to stay or not.
“I always encourage clients to spend some time processing through an infidelity before cutting off a relationship,” says Hokemeyer. “If nothing else, it will give them insights into their own motivations and help them avoid relational betrayal in the future. But make it a limited investment in time. In 90 days of intensive therapy you can get real clarity on what you’re dealing with and how best to proceed.”
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Contrary to popular belief, a lack of sexual satisfaction in a relationship is not the primary reason that men cheat; there are actually a number of surprising factors that lead to infidelity.
© Provided by Best Life
Evolutionary scientists argue that men are often driven to stray by a primal urge to “spread their seed”—though this theory is becoming increasingly unpopular. Research has shown that everything from whether or not your partner’s parents were faithful to one another to a man’s hormone levels to his age play a significant role in the decision to break the trust in a relationship.
The reasons a man might have for cheating can also range from feeling ignored in a marriage to experiencing a midlife crisis to having doubts about the relationship. Though, that being said, a recent survey of over 2,000 Europeans and Americans found that the primary reason that American men gave for committing infidelity were “the other person was really hot” and “people were hitting on me.” So…maybe sometimes they’re not that complex.
But the number one reason why men cheat seems to be to get an ego boost. It’s no secret that people who have low self-esteem are more likely to cheat; low self-worth creates a craving for external validation, and getting it from one person frequently just isn’t enough. Unfortunately for their partners, men with self-esteem issues are less likely to leave a relationship that doesn’t fulfill their needs, because they fear being alone, and are therefore more likely to use cheating as a coping mechanism for their own insecurities.
But it’s also widely accepted that the male ego is more intrinsically linked to sex than the female ego, which is why men still tend to fixate on their penis size and their sexual “performance” more so than women. This is probably one of the reasons that they are more likely to cheat when they get older—they still need validation from women to feel desirable, and sometimes, getting that attention from their partner alone just won’t cut it. It’s also at the center of this depressing May 2015 study that found that men who are 100% financially dependent on their wives are three times more likely to cheat than men who live in households in which they are the breadwinner.
“I think it has to do with our cultural notions of what it means to be a man and what … the social expectations are for masculinity,” said the study author, Christin Munsch, an assistant professor of sociology at the University of Connecticut. Because he feels like his masculinity is threatened, he might overcompensate by engaging in behavior associated with masculinity, like sex with strangers.
So if staying faithful is something that’s important to you, be sure to pick a partner who doesn’t have an ego the size of a penny. Your heart will thank you for it.
And for more on men and infidelity, find out the Age When Men Are Most Likely to Cheat.
RELATED VIDEO: Professional Adulterers Consider These Other Activities to be Cheating
The meaning of the word “cheating” has different definitions depending on whom you ask. Some may consider it cheating if their S.O. likes a random girl’s thirst trap. Others may consider it cheating only when you’re full-on, pants-down sexing someone. There’s also different tiers and levels of cheating too: micro-cheating, cheating cheating, and then hooking-up-with-your-best-friend’s-sister’s-baby-daddy cheating (2019 was a weird year for the Kardashians, ya’ll).
So while the definition of cheating isn’t necessarily consistent, the signs, cues, body language movements, and signals are pretty consistent—no matter the type of cheating someone’s doing. Below, we talked with 11 experts on the not-so-obvious signs your partner could be cheating.
Full disclosure: Make sure your partner is ticking off multiple boxes here before you call ’em out. If your S.O. just recently joined a gym in the name of #health, don’t immediately assume they’re cheating on you unless the other points below apply too, mmk?
Using ‘Close Friends’ on Instagram. “Obviously if your partner isn’t following you on social media, that’s a pretty big red flag. But now that apps are allowing the creation of different lists and groups, it could indicate cheating if your partner isn’t including you in those lists,” says relationship coach Jonathan Bennett, CEO of Double Trust Dating.
Long periods of radio silence. You guys, it’s 2019. Who is really hangin’ without their phone for longer than five minutes? “If your partner doesn’t respond for a long time with no good reason, it could indicate cheating—especially if they are usually very responsive other times,” says Bennett.
They’re smiling at their phone often. If a dog meme isn’t the thing on their cellular device eliciting that pearly-white smile, it’s a sign they’re getting a message from someone…who isn’t you… that’s also making them supes happy, says Bennett.
They are frequently accusing you of cheating. “This may be a sign of their insecurities and the fact that they’re actually the one cheating on you,” says Joe Flanagan, lead developer at GetSongbpm.
You don’t recognize a bedroom move. Maybe they’ve been watching porn…or maybe they picked that up from doin’ the deed with someone else. “There might be new ‘tricks’ they picked up from their new side hustle and now want to try out with you,” says Flanagan.
They suddenly have a password on their phone. If they didn’t before, it’s not necessarily ideal that they do now. “They might make up a few excuses for doing this, telling you that they’ll fix it, but they never do,” says Flanagan.
Sudden unexplained affection and appreciation for you.“This may sound odd or even paranoid, but sometimes when your partner, who has been annoyed and angry with you for a while, mysteriously becomes nice and apologetic, they may actually be cheating on you,” says marriage and family therapist, Lauren O’Connell. Why? Because they’re “acting out their anger, frustration, and disappointment with you by seeing someone else, which then turns into guilt with you,” she explains.
They turn off “Find My Friends.” If you normally share your location with each other and suddenly it’s turned off periodically or permanently, that could be a sign, says O’Connell.
They no longer charge their phone on their bedside table. Look, it doesn’t matter where they charge their phone…but it does if they used to consecutively charge their phone beside them before bed, but are now charging it in the kitchen. That could mean cheating, says O’Connell.
The bathroom is becoming their fave place. It could mean cheating if they “suddenly start going to the bathroom to brush their teeth or take a shower before greeting you when they come home,” O’Connell confirms.
Subtle disinterest in sex. “If you feel a shift in romantic energy or if they just don’t seem interested in having sex with you anyway,” says O’Connell. Perhaps because they’re getting sex somewhere else?
Bizarre shifts in schedule. Look, who is honestly taking a yoga class at 9 p.m.?
They suddenly can’t sleep in the same bed with you. If you’re already used to their snores after sleeping together for a long time, but now they want to sleep on the couch because it’s ‘too much to handle,’ this change-up is v sus, says O’Connell.
They don’t have much to say. “One less-than-obvious sign is if your partner isn’t speaking to you much. It may be a sign they’re becoming more withdrawn and sharing less with you,” says marriage counselor Wyatt Fisher, PhD, who leads a couple’s retreat in Texas.
They’re irritable AF. If they’re suddenly getting crazy mad at you for little things, like leaving a dish on the counter or toilet paper on the ground, it could be a sign says Fisher.
Zero eye contact. “If someone can’t hold eye contact with you, it’s probably out of guilt,” says Fisher.
You’re having more sex. “People assume if one partner is cheating, the frequency of sex decreases because they’re already ‘getting it on the side,’” says Anita Chlipala, marriage and family therapist. “But the excitement of an affair can actually increase the passion in a relationship—it could be even hotter than it normally is.”
You no longer hear about their coworker, or best friend, or high school bud. This obviously only applies if your S.O. could potentially be attracted to said person based off of their sexual orientation, but “if they frequently used to talk about someone and now barely mention their name anymore, it could be a sign,” says Chlipala. Though this also applies if they’re consistently bringing someone up too.
You feel yourself becoming anxious and/or jealous. Listen, trust that gut instinct of yours (it’s almost always right). “If you’ve never been the jealous or suspicious type, but now you’ve developed uneasy feelings and anxiety, something is probably wrong,” says Chlipala.
Their attire changes. “Your partner doesn’t need an excuse for making a lil extra effort in the clothes department, but if they are going all-out on nicer outfits for no apparent reason, it could be a sign you’re being cheated on,” says Adina Mahalli, relationship expert for Maple Holistics.
They’re taking you to super lux places. Over-compensating, hellooo: “When your partner starts buying you gifts or taking you out to extra luxurious places, they may be feeling guilty and trying to act like they’re so in love with you instead,” says relationship coach Sisanda CJ.
If they’re secretive about their finances. “Keeping you in the dark about their money and how they’re spending it means you never know where the money is going, how much money they’re spending, and who they’re spending it on…that way, they never have to be held accountable or explain to you what’s going on,” says CJ.
They suddenly pay more attention to their looks. “Couples tend to care less about their looks once they feel secure in their relationship, so if your S.O. is suddenly buying new clothes to dress up or taking extra long to get ready in the mornings, they may be up to something,” says Chris Pleines, dating expert at Datingscout.com.
They don’t tag you in photos anymore. “They might not want other people to know the two of you are together,” says relationship coach Emily Brooks. This also applies if they suddenly remove your photo tags, unfort.
Their Instagram feed is suddenly only photos of themselves. Look, I’m totally here for thirst traps…you can take them whenever you want and regardless of if you’re in a relationship. But “when you look at most happy couples, their feeds will show them together. You should be suspicious if your partner’s feed doesn’t include you,” says Brooks.
Your time together is always spontaneous. A v common cheater tendency is to avoid established routines. “One of the best ways to avoid being caught cheating is to never establish known habits and routines with anyone,” says Kevin Darné, the author of My Cat Won’t Bark (a Relationship Epiphany).
You don’t know their best friend’s name and they haven’t considered introducing you to their friends. “If someone is serious about you, they are likely to introduce you to people they value,” says Darné. “If someone is keeping you at bay, it’s because they don’t want to explain to their inner circle that they’re dating multiple people.”
They’re having a lot of private ‘work-related’ conversations. “Maybe you notice them sitting in their car on the phone and not coming into the house until they hang up, or they step into another room when they answer a call,” says April Davis, owner of Luma Luxury Matchmaking. “If they don’t want you to hear what you’re saying, it’s a pretty good sign they’re hiding something.”
Related Story Taylor Andrews Taylor is one of the sex and relationship editors who can tell you exactly which vibrators are worth the splurge, why you’re still dreaming about your ex, and tips on how to have the best sex of your life (including what word you should spell with your hips during cowgirl sex)—oh, and you can follow her on Instagram here.
Updated: January 1, 2020 / Home ” Quotes
Liar liar pants on fire. Nobody likes a cheater, but when given an opportunity to cheat, I dare say most will cheat if they know they will get away with it. At the end of the day, everyone is a sinner, it is just the degree of the sins, some more some less.
Alternative 2020 Article ➤ 65 Courageous Quotes On Giving Up An Unhealthy Relationship
So, why do husband, men and boyfriend cheats? There is no 1 answer that fits all, but if all of your boyfriend cheats and dump you after a period of time, you could be the problem and not them. Perhaps it is time to re-look into your own character.
Below are a few articles on various software for Windows, Mac, iPhone and Android smartphone. These software can be used for tracking, capturing photos silently, and monitoring texts. These are anti-theft app or software to monitor your kids, be advised that it is against the law to turn a smartphone into a spy phone without the user’s knowledge, you can be sued, unless you have the consensus of the owner or a concern parents with kids.
- 3 Free Parental Control ‘Spying’ Apps For iOS And Android Smartphones
- 7 Apps To Monitor & Track Your Teenager Smartphone Activities
- 5 Free Apps To Find, Spy And Track Stolen Android Smartphone
- 6 Best Free Keylogger For Microsoft Windows 10 , Mac, Android & iOS To Monitor Your Kid’s Facebook
You knew what you were doing and you knew it would hurt me but somehow that still didn’t stop you.
Never push a loyal person to the point where they no longer care.
I’m proud of my heart. It’s been played, burned and broken, but somehow still works.
If he loves you, he will not screw up what you have by cheating.
Most people cheat because they’re paying more attention to what they’re missing rather than what they have.
If you know someone is already taken, please respect their relationship. Don’t be the reason they end up single.
The moment that you start to wonder if you deserve better, you do.
Never start a relationship if you haven’t ended your previous one.
You know you’re doing something wrong when you have to double check who you’re sending that text to.
Being single is better than being lied to, cheated on and disrespected.
A fake boyfriend will put a lock on his phone. A real boyfriend will say “Hey baby, can you read that text for me.”
Don’t cheat in a relationship. If you are not happy then just leave.
Don’t cheat, if the feeling aren’t there then you shouldn’t be either.
Cheating is never okay There is no justification for it. Just don’t.
Never hand your heart to someone who is still picking up the pieces to their own.
I am a good enough person to forgive you. But not stupid enough to trust you again.
The worst kind of hurt is betrayal, because it means someone was willing to hurt you just to make themselves feel better.
Don’t cheat! If you’re unhappy, just leave.
A real man will be honest no matter how painful the truth is. A coward hides behind lies and deceit.
I tried to keep us together, you were busy keeping secrets.
If you cheat on someone that is willing to do anything for you, you actually cheated yourself out of true loyalty.
If you really love that person, you wouldn’t even think about cheating on them.
A relationship is not a test. So why cheat?
Cheating on a good person is like throwing away a diamond and picking up a rock.
Cheating is a choice, not a mistake.
If another woman steals your man, there’s no better revenge than letting her keep him. Real men can’t be stolen.
promises are worse than lies because you don’t just make them believe, you also make them hope.
If you succeed in cheating someone, don’t think that the person is a fool. Realize that the person trusted you much more than you deserved.
I trusted you but now your words mean nothing to me, because your actions spoke the truth.
I don’t miss him, I miss who I though he was.
I refuse to be subjected to your mind games and lies. I will not play a part in your constant drama. You will not manipulate me, nor will you control me.
All people have feelings, they are not there to be used. If you’re no longer interested in someone, they have the right to be informed before you go and cheat or go looking elsewhere.
I don’t know what’s worse; that you cheated on me, or that you cheated on me with a really ugly women.
A relationship is only made for two. But some bitches don’t know how to count.
Real men stay faithful. They don’t have time to look for another woman because they’re too busy looking for new ways to love their own.
You do not love someone who you cheer on or plan to cheer on. Keep the “I Love You” out of your mouth and save it for that one person you would never risk losing for just one good night.
Cheating is easy, try something more challenging like being faithful.
Be careful with who you give your heart to.
I’m not a second option. You either choose me or lose me.
Flirting while in a relationship isn’t okay. Too many people take things too far or the wrong way.
If you love someone, you don’t cheat. If you want to cheat, set them free.
Trust is like a paper, once it’s crumbled it can’t be perfect.
Don’t leave a girl you need for a girl you want.
If a girl asks you a question, it’s better to just give her the truth, chances are she is asking you because she already knows the answer.
Some people treat relationship as a video game, they play them and when they get bored they cheat.
Congratulations, you lost me.
A promise means everything. But once it is broken, sorry means nothing.
If you’re mine, you’re mine. I’m not sharing you with anyone else.
Cheating isn’t always kissing, touching, or flirting. If you gotta delete text messages so your partner won’t see them, you’re already there.
Relationship sink when there are too many passengers.
Cheating on a girl is deeper than people realize. It destroys her outlook on love, her future relationships, and her peace within herself.
Facebook is like a relationship. Faithful on your wall, but cheating in their inbox.
When love is real, it doesn’t lie, cheat, pretend or keep secrets.
About a dozen sessions later, my friend came away with critical insights: “I know I’m not perfect. I was very focused on taking care of my son, and my husband wasn’t getting from me whatever he needed. Everybody should be allowed to make mistakes and learn from them. We learned how to talk to each other and really listen. I love him and respect him, I’m so happy we didn’t split apart. He’s a wonderful father, a stimulating partner, and while our marriage isn’t perfect — whose is? — we are supportive and nurturing of each other. Working through the affair made us stronger.”
As happened with my friend, most affairs result from dissatisfaction with the marital relationship, fueled by temptation and opportunity. One partner may spend endless hours and days on work, household chores, outside activities or even social media, to the neglect of their spouse’s emotional and sexual needs. Often betrayed partners were unaware of what was lacking in the relationship and did not suspect that trouble was brewing.
Or the problem may result from a partner’s personal issues, like an inability to deal with conflict, a fear of intimacy, deep-seated insecurity or changes in life circumstances that rob the marital relationship of the attention and affection that once sustained it.
But short of irreversible incompatibility or physical or emotional abuse, with professional counseling and a mutual willingness to preserve the marriage, therapists maintain that couples stand a good chance of overcoming the trauma of infidelity and avoiding what is often the more painful trauma of divorce.
Ms. Weiner-Davis points out that “except in the most severe cases such as ongoing physical abuse or addiction,” divorce often creates more problems than it solves, an observation that prompted her to write her first book, “Divorce Busting.”
Ms. Weiner-Davis readily admits that recovering from infidelity is hard work and the process cannot be rushed. Yet, as she wrote in her new book, “many clients have shared that had it not been for their partner’s affair, they’d never have looked at, discussed, and healed some of the underlying issues that were broken at the foundation of their relationship.”
Rather than destroying the marriage, the affair acted as a catalyst for positive changes, Ms. Weiner-Davis maintains. In her new book, she outlines tasks for both the betrayed spouse and the unfaithful one that can help them better understand and meet the emotional and physical needs of their partners.
Why Do Men Cheat?
In my opinion, the best movie about Vietnam is We Were Soldiers starring Mel Gibson. He plays lieutenant colonel Hal Moore who commanded the first major battle of that war known as the Battle of Ia Drang. Surrounded and facing overwhelming odds, Moore and his soldiers withstood the onslaught for a week. One of the things Moore credits as a reason for the success was the love and devotion the soldiers had for one another. However, equally as important, was Moore’s consistent studying of the battlefield and knowledge of his enemy. He knew their strategies and the angles they would take to attack. This enabled him to position his forces in places that gave the greatest chance of victory.
In marriage, it is important to have love and devotion to one another. However, it is also equally important to know the temptations and pitfalls that attack marriage. One of the biggest enemies of marriage is infidelity. Knowing this enemy inside and out will help us remain faithful. Last week, we discussed why women cheat. Today we answer why men cheat.
Note: These are reasons, not justifications. Cheating is never justifiable under any circumstances.
Unfulfilled Emotional Needs
This seems to be the top reason. Most men who cheat consistently have expressed feeling disconnected from their wives. Men and women were both created for relationships. The need for emotional connection is innate in all of us, man or woman. However, physical affection and sex is an important way for men to feel emotionally connected with their wives. When that isn’t happening, it is easy for men to become withdrawn. When husbands emotionally drift from their wives, other connections will act like gravity.
Win Early: Work tirelessly to connect with your wife. When you feel yourself drifting, do whatever it takes to keep your feet secured in your marriage. Go out on dates, talk, find something new to experience together. Never stop, ever.
The Thrill, Insecurity, and Ego
The greatest and most challenging test for any man is to romance and pursue the same woman for a lifetime.There are many men that simply love the excitement of the chase. The feeling of meeting a challenge and winning her over. It makes them feel powerful and attractive. This feeling is particularly enticing when a man feels neglected by his wife. A neglected man will feel rejected and insecure with a bruised ego. As a result, they go hunting to regain the sense of power and self-confidence they have lost.
Win Early: True power cannot be attained by the affirmation of others. The greatest and most challenging test for any man is to romance and pursue the same woman for a lifetime. Wake up every day and ask the question, “How can I win my wife today?”
Being a husband and father is stressful. A man may love his wife, but there are now obligations to fulfill. The single life was carefree, but also lonely. They would rather not lose their wife but want a distraction from the pressure that comes with responsibility. They are looking for a quick return to the carefree days with the security of a spouse intact.
Win Early: Stay in the game. Stop the temptation the moment the thought enters your mind, rather than cradling it. When you find yourself looking for distractions, do the opposite. Embrace your responsibilities or you may lose them.
There are women that have this problem, but mainly men. The exact cause is unknown but can involve both a chemical and/or psychological reason. These men consistently engage in sexual behavior (including viewing porn or participating in chat rooms) that brings negative outcomes. Despite the negative effects in their lives, they do not stop.
Win Early: Get treatment immediately. This can be overcome with medical treatment, psychological therapy, or support groups — perhaps all three.