I asked women to be honest about their Instagram photos
- 1. You’re convincing yourself that nothing is wrong.
- 2. You’re convincing yourself that overall you’re happy.
- 3. You’re afraid of losing him to another woman.
- 4. You’re afraid of being alone.
- 5. You’re worried that you won’t find better.
- 6. You’re trying to hold on to past memories.
- 7. You’re trying to avoid the “I told you so’s.”
- 8. You’re putting him first.
- 11 Reasons It’s So Hard To Leave A Relationship You Know Isn’t Good For You
- 15 Signs That Your Crush Is Actually A Total Loser
- Thread: Boyfriend is a total loser
- Women Can’t Help But Love Emotional Chaos
- It’s A Deeply-Rooted Security and Society Conditioning
- Don’t Be That Weak Beta Male
- 20 Signs He’s A Loser There’s No Saving Him
- 1. His job situation sucks and it’s all his fault.
- 2. You can count on your fingers how many times he’s apologized.
- 6. He has no bank account and says he “doesn’t believe in credit.”
- 8. He constantly asks you for money.
- 11. All of his friends are falling off the face of the earth.
- 13. His remedy for arguments has always been to walk away.
- 15. He disrespects your friends and/or parents.
- 17. He thinks sex requires his pleasure and only your presence.
- 19.You can only ever count on him to be late.
- Talk to me
Pooja Parikh Traveled Across The World For The HS Diagnosis That Changed Her Life Forever
- 1. You Make Excuses For His Behavior
- 2. His Attention Feels Like A Drug
- 3. He Tosses You Crumbs
- 4. He Regularly Flakes On You
- 5. You Feel “Crazy” Or “Unhinged”
- 6. He Insists That You Do Everything To His Standards
- 7. You Feel Like You Have To Chase Him To Get Your Needs Met
- 8. He Doesn’t Ever Ask About You
- 9. When You Need Him, He’s Too Busy
- 10. He’s Selfish
- 11. He’s Disrespectful And Uses “Humor” To Insult You
- 12. He Uses How “Damaged” He Is To Excuse His Poor Behavior
- In love with a loser
- BECOME AN HONORABLE READER
- 3 Questions for Deciding to Leave Him or Stay
- 20 Clear Signs You Should Stay In Your Relationship Or Leave ASAP
- Do they deserve another shot?
- Leave ASAP: They’re extremely jealous when you talk to other people
- Stay In Your Relationship: You had a huge fight
- For Page 2 Of 10, Click “NEXT”
- Leave ASAP: You spend a lot of time thinking about what else is out there
- Stay In Your Relationship: You feel respected and supported
- For Page 3 Of 10, Click “NEXT”
- Leave ASAP: Your partner has a major character flaw
- Stay In Your Relationship: If you’re going through a rough patch
- For Page 4 Of 10, Click “NEXT”
- Leave ASAP: There’s ANY type of abuse in the relationship
- Stay In Your Relationship: The good times outweigh the bad times
- For Page 5 Of 10, Click “NEXT”
- Leave ASAP: You’re just going through the motions in your relationship
- Stay In Your Relationship: You’re still attracted to them
- For Page 6 Of 10, Click “NEXT”
- Leave ASAP: One of you is still hung up on your ex
- Stay In Your Relationship: Your difficulties are only circumstantial
- For Page 7 Of 10, Click “NEXT”
- Leave ASAP: You’re waiting for your partner to change in order for the relationship to work out
- Stay In Your Relationship: You hear each other’s frustrations and concerns
- Leave ASAP: Your partner’s little quirks that you used to love are now driving you crazy
- Stay In Your Relationship: Your friends and family like them
- For Page 9 Of 10, Click “NEXT”
- Leave ASAP: You spend more time with your friends, at work or watching Netflix than with your S/O
- Stay In Your Relationship: You like who you are when you’re with them
- For Page 10 Of 10, Click “NEXT”
- Leave ASAP: Things aren’t moving forward and there’s no explanation for it
- Stay In Your Relationship: You’re both willing to try harder to make it work
- Why Women Stay with Controlling Men
I asked women to be honest about their Instagram photos
Quentin Keller / Unsplash
Love is a real son of a gun.
Although Valentine’s Day is great for some, for others it really f*cking sucks. And I’m not talking about the singles either. I’m talking about the person who is going to be disappointed because their SO put zero effort into Valentine’s Day–again. I’m talking about the woman who is turning down great men left and right to be faithful to her situationship with a guy she knows is no good for her. Remember, ‘I Love Him’ Is Not A Good Enough Reason To Let Him Treat You Like Shit. This is why you can’t leave him when you know you should. Let’s get into it!
1. You’re convincing yourself that nothing is wrong.
Unfortunately, denial is a drug of choice for many women. First things first. You’ve got to come to the light, baby. If all of your friends and family are questioning why you’re still holding on to such a broken person or relationship, it’s usually because you shouldn’t be. You’re doing yourself a disservice by lying to yourself. Still, a woman in love can manage to convince herself that there isn’t anything wrong with her man or her relationship.
2. You’re convincing yourself that overall you’re happy.
Many of us were taught that “if the good outweighs the bad” we should stick things out. I don’t really think we understand that phrase too well as Millennials. How can I put this? It doesn’t mean if you can convince yourself that most things are ‘okay’ that the bad things aren’t that bad. It doesn’t mean that you have to be ‘ride or die’ just because the two of you shared some good times. If you’re having to constantly tell yourself that overall you’re happy–you’re not really happy.
3. You’re afraid of losing him to another woman.
Another big thing we do as Millennial women are stay in shitty relationships simply because we don’t want to “lose” our guy to the other woman (or women) in his life. I know it sucks, but is literally the dumbest decision you can make for yourself. If other women can occupy his time and attention that easy… baby, let him go on his merry way! I promise you, you’ll bounce back!
4. You’re afraid of being alone.
Getting out of a really serious relationship changes a lot of things in your life. I get it. You’re used to thinking, feeling, and living for the two of you. That’s just who we are as women. Don’t be afraid to leave a no good man because you’re afraid of being alone. Being alone after being in a toxic relationship is an amazing way to build yourself back up and place your crown back on your head where it belongs. Embrace your singleness, girl!
5. You’re worried that you won’t find better.
We don’t really like to admit it, but another reason you can’t leave him when you know you should is that you’re afraid that you won’t find anyone better than him. And when I say better than him, I mean in the way you see him–not everybody else. You don’t think you’ll find anyone who makes you feel the way he does… but I promise you, if you heal and move on, you’ll find someone who will completely change your outlook on love because they will actually put in the effort to love you the right way–and that is exactly what you deserve!
6. You’re trying to hold on to past memories.
You want to know why it’s so easy to convince yourself that you need to work through this dead-end relationship? Because you’re stuck on things that used to be. You’re stuck thinking about how he was when you first got together. You’re still telling people about the way he used to make you feel and things he used to do. You gotta live life in the present. Remember, he was never supposed to stop doing the things it took to get you in the first place!
7. You’re trying to avoid the “I told you so’s.”
When you finally get out of this toxic relationship, you’ll have a few people who will be proud of you and cheer you on… but you’ll also have to face those people who can’t wait to tell you “I told you so.” To be quite frank, it’s annoying AF, but it ain’t the end of the world. Let them say their piece and wash it down with a shot of tequila.
8. You’re putting him first.
At the end of the day, you’re putting him and his feelings over your own. You’re not choosing yourself, and that will ALWAYS put you on the wrong track. Ask yourself one question… does he put my feelings before his own? I’m assuming the answer is no. Choose yourself, baby. YOU’RE WORTH IT.
Set yourself free, Queen.
11 Reasons It’s So Hard To Leave A Relationship You Know Isn’t Good For You
Breaking up with someone can be just as painful as being broken up with. You know things just aren’t working and there’s no way to fix your relationship but that doesn’t make things any easier. You still love him, you just can’t be with him anymore — but it’s just so hard to walk away.
There’s too much history.
As you start brainstorming ways of how to end it, all of a sudden, all your good memories rush in while the bad stuff gets blocked out. Yes, there is a lot of history between you, but do the bad times outweigh the good? Probably, and that means it’s time to go.
You find comfort in the familiar.
If you’ve been with him for a long time, you’re comfortable together. You know what makes each other tick and how to co-exist. Thinking of having to put yourself out there again and getting to know a new guy from scratch isn’t a very inviting thought.
You’re waiting for it to get better.
Waiting for a relationship to get better is like standing in the dessert waiting for the rain. It could happen, but the chances are pretty slim. If things are getting worse every time you think you’ve already hit rock bottom, then you need to stop waiting and end things already.
You’re not just leaving him — you’re leaving other people too.
The longer you’re together, the more your social and familial circles collide. You bond with the people who are close to him, create relationships with them, and vice versa. If you break up, you’re breaking up with the friends and family too and that makes your loss that much greater.
You genuinely like being in a relationship (and that means any relationship).
You don’t want to be single but you know you can’t be in a relationship with him. You love the feeling of being in a relationship, but if it’s hurting you more than it’s helping you, then it’s time to step away. You should never be in a relationship just for the sake of being in one. It has to work too.
You don’t want to give up on everything you’ve fought so hard for.
It’s hard to throw away all of the hard work and effort that you put into a long-term relationship. You don’t want to accept the fact that it was “all for nothing.” But sometimes, things just aren’t meant to be and that’s life. Don’t exhaust yourself for another second if it’s not working out.
You’re afraid that you won’t find someone better.
There are plenty of other guys who can make you just as happy, if not happier, than he can. Never believe that there isn’t someone else out there for you because there is. If it’s not working out with this guy, that just means there is someone else that it will work out with.
You’re afraid that he’ll find someone better and forget about you.
Never belittle yourself or compare yourself to another woman out there. You’re the only you there is and even if he finds someone else, that doesn’t mean she’s better than you, and it certainly doesn’t negate the things you shared.
You’re afraid of being alone.
Fear of loneliness is one of the worst reasons for not leaving a relationship. You should feel independent and strong even when you’re in one. He’s not the only person on this planet that is there for you. Think about your friends and family — you had them before him and you will have them after him as well.
You’re afraid you’ll regret it.
First off, there’s no need to stress about things that haven’t happened yet. You don’t know how you’ll feel once it’s over — if anything, you could feel a tremendous amount of relief. Secondly, you shouldn’t regret a decision you know is right. It may not be what you want but it’s what needs to happen, and that’s what matters.
You don’t want to lose him as a friend.
One of the scariest parts of leaving someone we’re in a relationship with is the fear of losing that person completely. Aside from him being your boyfriend, fiance, or husband, he was also (hopefully) your friend. However, if the relationship isn’t right, then you shouldn’t be with him. If you’re meant to be friends, you eventually will be.
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First dilemma My boyfriend says he is not sure what we are doing or if we’re even heading down the marriage route. We have been together for four years and he has hurt me a few times with arguments, things he says in anger and how he has acted towards me in the past. But I am scared of losing him and I do love him.
Second dilemma I’ve been with my boyfriend for one year. When it’s just the two of us we have a great time. He’s had no long-term relationships, but lots of one-night stands. We’ve had a few arguments because of his lack of commitment to the relationship. Whenever we go out I feel humiliated because he stares at other women until they make eye contact. He doesn’t flirt openly when I’m around, but he does talk about other women. I would dump him, but I love him.
Mariella replies Of course you both do! But how many mistakes we make using only the rationale of our hormonal responses. Thank you for putting love on the menu, and the myriad acts of self-harm we commit in its name. Picking a partner is the biggest choice we make in our life, but our selection is often based on animal instincts. Instincts which let us down more often than not. (See war, greed, envy, violence and sloth for further evidence.) The only instinct I trust is the one that tells you when something isn’t right. So separating the many strings that make up the knotted cord of passion is as challenging as it is invaluable.
What better time to do so than now, while the L-word is in the air? Our annual orgy of conspicuous romancing – where, wallet in hand, we declare our love via saccharine cards and balloon hearts, overpriced flowers and waist-thickening chocolates – is upon us. That inescapable, seductive, intelligence defeating, rationality obliterating emotional surge that says we’re in love is being celebrated across the land, and only a sour old crone like me would throw salt into the open wound that heartache makes.
When you’re in love you’re a victim – so the mythology goes – helpless to defend yourself against the onslaught of biological busyness. Good love is what you run home to – it’s the chest you bury your head in, the space where you summon the nerve to step back into the world; it makes you happy and whole, not insecure, lacking in self-worth and feeling that you need to try harder. Valentine’s Day is a lottery, and winning tickets are rare. For all the fully sated love addicts out there whose lovers live up to expectations, there are the many millions for whom the day is simply a reminder of what they haven’t got or highlights the flaws of the partner they “couldn’t help” falling in love with.
When you get to midlife, like me, you get asked a lot about regrets and rarely about future ambitions. It happens so surreptitiously you barely notice the day it switches. I used to reply that regret was a wasted emotion, but nowadays what I regret is all the time I wasted trying to mould unlikely boyfriends into perfect partners.
What is it about the human condition that makes our pulse rate and pheromone levels rise in direct contrast to the level of attention we’re paid? For too many of us love is… making excuses for the perfectly functional, capable human beings who fail to be functional and capable around us. Why do we bother? It’s a squandering of emotional energy most common in youth, when we feel we have an excess of time for everything. Even with the clock on our side it’s a period when we should be gorging on freedom and fun instead of fretting about some will-o’-the-wisp who hasn’t called, has failed to show up or has spent the previous evening gazing at someone from afar or drooling over them.
Luckily you do grow out of such masochistic tendencies, but it’s hard not to regret the decades that flitted past where every scornful act, every insult to your intelligence, every crime against your confidence was embraced as a challenge rather than registered as a stop sign.
My favourite Valentine’s Day was 25 years ago, when I received an anonymous handwritten copy of the lyrics to “These Foolish Things”. That selfless act of devotion with no regard for a result may be the most romantic thing that will ever happen to me!
Luckily we live in an overpopulated world – what I realise now is that there was no need to get hung up on one single human being when there are billions to choose from. That’s not the message Cupid is firing off today, but it’s possibly the truest thing you’ll hear. When it comes to choosing a companion for life we should none of us be contenting ourselves with bare bones; in matters of the heart there really are plenty more fish in the sea.
If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to [email protected] Follow her on Twitter @mariellaf1
15 Signs That Your Crush Is Actually A Total Loser
It can happen to the best of us — that dashing, absolutely gorgeous guy you’re drooling over could actually be a loser who will make your life a living hell if you choose to date him. Here are some clues that the guy in question is a mess and should be kept to fling status at very best:
He’s unemployed and keeps hitting you up for money.
Not all guys who are unemployed are losers, but if he thinks this behavior is acceptable, you can bet that he isn’t someone you want to date. If he’s doing this, he has no issue being a mooch – and there’s nothing more of an epic fail than a freeloader of a boyfriend.
He keeps pressuring you to ditch your friends, your schoolwork, or your job in order to hang out with him.
It might seem cute, but this move is all about insecurity. If he’s so insecure about your whereabouts and life goals, he’s a loser who needs someone to constantly praise him.
People actually call him and his friends losers.
You might want to listen to them, especially if it’s being done on a regular basis. He might be living up to his rep.
You can’t get him to list a single life goal when asked, or if you do, it’s clear he’s never actually going to put effort into it.
Only losers have no goals in life, and if he’s not doing anything to accomplish any goals he does have, then it’s just as bad as not having any goals at all.
He expects you (or someone else) to motivate him.
This is the kind of guy who will blame all his shortcomings on you, and that’s a universal dealbreaker. True motivation doesn’t come from another person, it’s something that comes from within.
He whines about a million different things.
A guy who has no problem wheedling, guilt-tripping, and whining to get his way is a guy who doesn’t have what it takes to tackle life’s harder problems. Don’t expect this whiner to appreciate the little things you do, or help you when stuff hits the fan. You can do better than this loser.
Excuses, excuses, excuses!
With people who just lose at life, everything is an excuse. When you’re attracted to a guy, you might even make excuses for him. Don’t fall for this trap. A guy who constantly has to have excuses is a loser, and never worth the effort.
His mom expects you to whip him into shape.
Nothing about this is a good sign. Nothing!
You suspect that he might have an addiction.
There’s a difference between occasional substance use and an addiction. If you notice that he’s constantly hitting the bong, or that he needs to drink like a fish on a regular basis, you may have an addict. Do yourself a favor, and don’t date this guy. He might end up ruining your life.
Ninety percent of his talk is about how cool a guy he used to be.
Past results do not indicate future performance. If he can’t talk about the fun things he does now, or if there’s no sign that he’s actually interested in making his future awesome, he’s a loser who probably peaked in high school.
Trying to get him to talk about problems leads to bad fallout.
Winners are the kind of people who will handle life’s problems head-on, discuss difficult topics without issue, and work out their personal problems constructively. Losers will blow up at people who voice concerns, sweep problems under the rug, and will hurt others who question them.
People are shocked that you like him.
This might just be a sign that your crush isn’t all you think he is. Most people will be confused when they see a girl who’s out of a guy’s league interested in him.
The only thing he really seems to excel at is partying.
There’s nothing wrong with being the life of a party, but the fact is that there are plenty of losers who can party like madmen. The difference between a guy who is awesome and a guy who’s a loser often lies in what else he can do aside from party. Can he fix a car? Can he stay employed? Can he cook or clean? If all he seems to be capable of doing well is partying, you probably aren’t dealing with someone who’s boyfriend material.
What he says and what you see are two different things.
A real man will do what he says he’s going to do, and will actually show you proof of his life. A loser lies, then tries to cover that up with more lies.
Deep down inside, you kind of already know he’s a loser.
Do you need any other proof?
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Thread: Boyfriend is a total loser
Apologies in advance, I think this might be one of those “non-problems”
I have been with my boyfriend for three years. The first 8-9 months of the relationship were horrible; I felt a little pulled into the relationship, partially by emotional blackmail, and by my own lonliness and low self-esteem (probably made worse by him). At one point his behaviour towards me climaxed and was pretty close to emotionally abusive – my willpower turned to jelly and I felt my soul depart. He then realised during some sort of epiphany how he was acting, and cut it out.
It’s been two years since that epiphany. He has completely changed; he has been pretty close to what can be called a good man. He genuinely means well, and has realised the error of his ways. He lied a little, from time to time, but essentially he was doing pretty well. The malicious comments and insults stopped. Things were getting better.
However over the past few months I have been irritated by him for the pettiest of reasons, I haven’t voiced any of these to him, because I feel like they would do no good being mentioned. But these little irritants have been enough to make me want to disappear in the night.
He comes in drunk, and acts like a loud and obnoxious fool. He has gained weight and doesnt seem to be planning to do anything about it – I still pay him compliments and I have not complained – but I’m becoming less and less attracted to him every second. He can’t hold down a job, although he tries. He doesn’t apply himself in his work, he’d rather just play computer games. (I have a little bit of knowledge in his type of work, but I’m by no stretch a graduate (which he is supposed to be), but I feel that with a little perseverance and application, even I could do better than his feeble attempts at the subject he has been 6 years qualified in) He acts like a 14 year old whenever there are pretty women on the television. He is moody and jealous. We could be watching television and he will “jokingly” accuse me of crushing on whoever is on screen, and will spend months and months lording that specific actor over me. All in fun, of course.
This man is supposed to be ten years older than me (i’m 21, he’s 31).
Whenever I touch upon issues I have, he just sinks into this depressive state and cries, while saying to himself “I’m such a wanker, oh god…. i’m…. such a …. oh”, and then guilt trips me by reminding me how much he changed.
It is the early hours right now, and he is in bed, snoring loudly, (I think I heard him masturbate a little earlier tonight)
He will be away for the weekend, I am tempted to try and leave in his absence.
I’m not quite sure what I am asking from this thread, I suppose I just needed to rant and see it written down. Thanks for reading, and thanks for any responses!
One of the most common questions I get is this:
Why is it that women (especially young women) choose to date these awful, deadbeat losers instead of successful, hard-working, stable guys?
It all comes down to the way women are with their emotions.
And, in this social media age we live in, the deadbeat loser can really spike a woman’s emotions to obscene levels.
You see, guys who are generally successful and busy in their lives don’t really waste time on social media.
The deadbeat loser?
He LOVES social media. He has a ton of time to spare because his job is a joke (or he’s jobless).
Since women are emotionally-driven, always in search of emotional “highs”, they flock towards these losers for the simple fact that he makes her “feel good” in certain moments.
He makes sure that his Instagram stories are only videos of him hanging with the bros, partying, being loud, cruising around at 1pm when everyone else is working, etc.
Women Can’t Help But Love Emotional Chaos
The deadbeat has many surface-level qualities that women enjoy being a part of. It’s the “best” side of the deadbeat that draws the women in.
It’s like a reality tv show starring Mr. Deadbeat.
Instagram stories give all these losers their own reality show. It’s fascinating to women. They eat this stuff up!
Often times, these deadbeat losers will get a girlfriend solely through his “he’s so fun and always doing something!” vibe.
He’ll “wow” her for just enough time until she “falls” in “love” with him (it’s not actual love as I’ll explain later).
Once she’s in deep with Mr. Deadbeat, she soon realizes that he’s a total loser and isn’t really going anywhere in his life.
But, because he’s got that emotional energy that she loves, she believes that she can “change” or “help” him to reach his potential.
This is when she begins to invest her time and energy into making him a better person.
As I’ve been teaching for years, the more you invest your time into someone, the harder it is to leave said person.
Mr. Deadbeat will make a little effort here and there to “show” that he’s making “progress,” but he always ends up back to the same dude.
(Actually, he gets worse year after year. Every year that goes by, he becomes more and more of a loser. A guy that isn’t going anywhere is a guy who’s failing at life).
This is a topic that drives men who have difficulty attracting women and getting into relationships crazy. Most men can’t stand the deadbeats because they keep getting girlfriends while you slave away at your job struggling to find a date.
It’s a tough thing to deal with as a man. How can you stand out to these women when you’re busy working and making a living with no time to post stories all day and party 6 nights per week?
The answer is you can’t! You objectively can’t compete against these guys. They will beat you and get the girl 99% of the time.
That’s just the way it is and you simply need to accept it.
I’ve spoken to a lot of women over the years who have told me about the deadbeat losers they dated in their 20’s.
The 20’s is where women go through their “deadbeat” phase.
A woman is young and inexperienced when it comes to men. The deadbeat loser provides her with all of these great emotions that successful, busy guys can’t really provide (because they’re too busy making money and building stability to give her these things).
What a woman believes is “true love” is actually her first glimpse of a deep insecurity to care for a lost man who needs to find his way (it’s tragic).
Is there any good news in all this?
Why, of course!
I have also known many women who never even once thought of wasting a breath on a deadbeat loser.
These are the types of women I like to keep as actual genuine friends in my life, and it’s exactly the type of relationship I teach you to get in my Relationship Academy.
Sure, I miss out on hooking up with a lot of young, attractive, silly women because of this (been there, done that).
But, I absolutely love having social circles full of successful, smart women with great heads on their shoulders.
I encourage you to do the same and build your own circles of quality women. Befriend both men and women in this process.
What you need to understand is that the women who choose the deadbeat loser over you are doing so because she is subconsciously scared of your success.
These women mistake success and stability as being “boring.” She fears that she’ll have a “boring” life if she “settles” for you.
She has this fear that nobody else can provide the same emotional highs as her deadbeat loser. Out of fear, she sticks with him.
It’s A Deeply-Rooted Security and Society Conditioning
Only a deep insecurity and bullshit mental programming would convince a woman that dating a normal, stable man is “boring” and lame.
Society LOVES for women to go after the wild, crazy, deadbeat guys. After all, she gets to experience the Kim Kardashian reality tv life, right?
It’s truly sad the state of society we are in.
These mentally damaged women (usually BPD related) are stuck in a fantasy that they mistake for “true love.” They really do feel that if they spend a few years with this “exciting” loser, they can pull him up to be better.
She believes that after a little bit of time, she can fix his flaws and help him be the “perfect” man — in other words, mommy him to the point where he “grows up” and can take care of himself and a family.
Of course, the reality is these guys are losers so they only get worse over time — they never get better. And, they drag her down with him.
As I said, it’s a tragic fantasy in the minds of these (usually hot, attractive, borderline) women. Thanks Hollywood!
Usually when a woman figures this out, it’s a bit too late and all the healthy, successful guys have moved on to better women. Her selection of mate drastically drops.
There will be plenty of weak, timid beta males that will support her and deal with her toxic bullshit, but all the quality, confident men want nothing to do with her.
Don’t Be That Weak Beta Male
Ultimately, if a woman is choosing a deadbeat loser over you, it’s FATE telling you that it wouldn’t have ever worked out in the first place.
Afterall, you deserve a woman who doesn’t chase emotional highs nor deeply-rooted mommy fantasies. You can take care of yourself.
Many men experience a toxic relationship when they date these types of women. Why? Because you’re not a deadbeat. She can’t mommy you and build you up.
Therefore, this type of woman falls into emotional lows and lashes out at you. She can’t help it. It’s in her nature to date and support deadbeats, and that isn’t you.
You deserve a woman who craves success and stability just as you do.
These women are rare these days due to societal conditioning, but they ARE out there. You just have to look a little bit harder and meet a lot of men and women. You will end up finding these women through various social circles.
So, don’t get jealous of these deadbeat losers when you see them with some hotty.
Just remind yourself of the golden rule: you attract what you project.
That pretty girl you see with the loser? She’s actually a loser as well, and soon enough she’ll be crying against the wall hating herself for wasting so much precious time with a deadbeat.
It’s true insecurity at the end of the day.
Don’t feel bad that the “young hotty” is choosing Mr. Douche Canoe over you. That relationship is doomed to fail and she’s going to be in a lot of pain from it. Watch as she ages rapidly over the next 2 years. It’s amazingly sad.
And no, you can’t “save” these women from deadbeats.
Remember, she WANTS to be with him and fulfill her codependent caretaking fantasy.
Only reality can save her, and it won’t be pretty. It’s best you move out of the way and let life take it’s course while you move on to better pastures.
I have a blast talking about this topic, as well as many others, in my coaching podcasts and courses.
My latest podcasts have been about how to be a good, genuine man while still fun and attractive.
This is exactly what the worthy, quality women are looking for these days.
Saddle up and ride on over to my Relationship Academy to get instant access to all my courses and training programs.
P.S. It’s really important that you work on not feeling like a lesser person when a woman rejects you for a deadbeat. She’s actually rejecting herself from reality because she believes in fantasy. She would rather stick with the deadbeat due to insecurity and false sense of control over him instead of dating a guy like you who has his shit together.
The thought of dating a guy who has his shit together is very frightening for the insecure woman. She knows she can’t control you, can’t mother you, can’t play out her fantasy of “fixing the guy”, etc. The only thing she can do to you is manipulate you and try to tear you down (which she will if you date these women).
So, this type of woman is actually best off with the deadbeat loser. How can she tear down a loser? She can’t. So, she plays mommy and invests her energy to change him. But, it never works. It’s a huge insecurity that can cause her to end up divorced with 2 kids and alone. Very sad, but very common.
Hope you’ve enjoyed this message. It’s not often I drop big pieces like this. Be the best man that you can be. That’s all you can ask of yourself. In the end, you win. And that’s a great thing to realize.
20 Signs He’s A Loser There’s No Saving Him
Of course we know we can’t change a guy, but the fact has never stopped many of us ladies from trying.
Many women have been socialized to just stick with a guy, work with him while he shamelessly exhibits problematic flaws and just be content to “get chose.”
We often tell ourselves that he “has great potential” and we fall in love with who we know the guy can be instead of who we see in front of us in the moment.
It’s not the healthiest mentality, but that’s what happens when you’re dealing with internalized misogyny… and when you’re just plain punch drunk in love.
But these thoughts should sober you up.
Here are a few signs the crush you’ve been holding out for will never get it together. It’s time to admit to yourself what’s really going on, and kick him to the curb.
1. His job situation sucks and it’s all his fault.
Having a little bad luck in the job department can happen to the best of us, but if your guy is always quitting for trivial reasons or getting fired for serious ones— red flag on the play, babe.
2. You can count on your fingers how many times he’s apologized.
6. He has no bank account and says he “doesn’t believe in credit.”
If ever there were a clear sign that he doesn’t GAF, this is it, darling.
8. He constantly asks you for money.
11. All of his friends are falling off the face of the earth.
13. His remedy for arguments has always been to walk away.
Not only is playboy not being faithful to you, but he’s also likely exposing you to all kinds of diseases. Bleh. Don’t let this fuck boy play with your heart, your vagina or your life.
15. He disrespects your friends and/or parents.
17. He thinks sex requires his pleasure and only your presence.
Sex isn’t everything, but it damn sure is something. This guy acts like pleasing you while enjoying himself isn’t a possibility. Break up with this selfish clown and get you somebody who can do both.
19.You can only ever count on him to be late.
There are some things most men would never tolerate from a woman, and they wouldn’t think twice about a breakup if she ever ventured over into Red Flag land.
Ladies, let’s serve ourselves a little more, draw our lines a lot more carefully and do so without apology.
Ladies, don’t get played.
A lot of girls are just too nice. They give their men a second chance, a third chance, a seventh chance, a hundredth chance only to be let down time and time again. They still believe that their men will eventually take a turn and change for the better. They believe that love will give them the ability to grow into more mature and responsible individuals only to be disappointed. They think that they can change their men to become better people and they will fail miserably at doing so. Ladies, if you find that your man is just beyond fixing, do yourself a favor and just walk away. Go and find yourself a man who no longer needs fixing. Get with a man who has his life put together. You don’t need nor deserve to be someone’s nanny. You can’t be constantly looking after some guy to make sure that he’s doing okay. If he’s mature enough to be in a relationship with you, then he should be mature enough to take care of himself.
Here are a few signs that your guy is just a plain loser and you should just stop trying so hard to love him.
1. He doesn’t have a good career going for him. He doesn’t have a stable source of income and he doesn’t really know what he’s doing with his life. He isn’t planning for the future and his primary concern is living in the moment.
2. He is too proud to apologize to you whenever he screws up. He is very insecure and he hates it whenever his ego gets damaged. He thinks he is above apologies and that he could do no wrong. He believes too much in himself and he doesn’t take criticism too well.
3. He hasn’t grown at all as an individual ever since you started the relationship. He has stagnated and plateaued somehow. He hasn’t had any substantial development and he just isn’t growing up as a person.
4. Even his family is telling you that he’s a mess. They’re telling you that you deserve better and that you shouldn’t be wasting your time on a guy like him. They tell you that he’s a lost cause and that you should just walk away from the relationship.
5. He is too demanding and controlling even though he has no right to be. He barely even has his own life organized and he’s trying to control yours too. You would be wise to try and not get hit in the crossfire. If he’s destroying his own life, there’s no reason for him to be bringing you down with him.
6. Finances aren’t important to him. He doesn’t know how to manage his money properly. He keeps spending his money on pointless toys and pleasure. He has no financial responsibility whatsoever and he is practically financially illiterate.
7. He doesn’t even remember whenever it’s your birthday. All the time.
8. He treats you as his personal bank account because he never has money for himself. He acts like you’re some ATM he can go to whenever he wants something. He doesn’t know how hard you work for your money. And he also doesn’t know the value of money. He’s like a little child in a toy store.
9. He lies to you often. He doesn’t respect you enough to think that you are worthy of the truth. He is always hiding his real intentions. He is always concealing the truth from you. He will lie his way out of trouble whenever given the opportunity.
10. He doesn’t ask you about your day or about how you’re feeling. He only thinks of himself and he is incredibly selfish.
11. He doesn’t have a solid group of friends who stay with him all the time. All his friends are temporary. They meet him and then they get to know him and they inevitably ditch him. The more they get to know him, the more they discover that he is bad news and he is the kind of guy that people should avoid being associated with.
12. He always gets in trouble with the law. He’s drunk driving. He’s engaged in domestic violence. He’s stealing stuff from a convenience store.
13. He isn’t comfortable with conflict. Whenever confronted, he’s just going to walk away from the conversation. He doesn’t know how to argue constructively and so he will withdraw from any pressure situations
14. He cheats on you both physically and emotionally. He doesn’t care about how his infidelity makes you feel just as long as he is happy.
15. He doesn’t give a damn about how your parents or friends feel about him. He doesn’t care about how important they are to you. He is going to keep on doing his own thing.
Talk to me
Have you been in this position? Let me know in the comments below!
Pooja Parikh Traveled Across The World For The HS Diagnosis That Changed Her Life Forever
Flickr / Helga Weber
Does it feel like your relationship is a roller coaster that you just can’t seem to step off of? Do you go from happy to sad at the drop of a hat? Have you stayed up late picking your friends brains about your man’s behavior?
If you found yourself nodding to these questions, it’s time to consider the strong possibility that you’re dating a jerk. In the past, I’ve talked about the signs you’re dating a narcissist, but the garden variety jerk is something that I haven’t talked about much yet.
Clearly, there are more obvious things jerks do, like lie, cheat and steal, but what about the more subtle signs that you’re dating one? The answers lie largely in how they make you feel.
(Note: Jerkiness is NOT gender specific, so you can apply what follows to both men and women even though I use male pronouns here.)
1. You Make Excuses For His Behavior
When he lets you down, you tell yourself (or worse, your friends and family) the most seemingly logical reasons why (“He’s tired.” “He was busy at work.”), but deep down you know better. His behavior sucks, and you’re doing your best to rationalize and explain it away.
2. His Attention Feels Like A Drug
When he shows you attention, you feel happy. When he lets you down for the 23rd time this month, his withdrawal hits you right in the gut. If he’s running hot, you can relax a little, but watch out when he goes cold. Your emotions hinge on his actions in an unhealthy way.
3. He Tosses You Crumbs
One night he may stand you up completely, then text you the next day happily, like nothing happened. You might have no luck getting a response one day, but the next, he’s completely on top of the communication. He has a hard time committing to making time for you. You feel like you’re dead last on his priority list.
4. He Regularly Flakes On You
You’ve come to realize that all plans with him are “tentative,” since he only comes through for you some of the time.
5. You Feel “Crazy” Or “Unhinged”
When the other person goes hot and cold, your emotions cycle from downright bliss to abject depression. A little bit of attention from him is enough to make you wonder if you’re going off the deep end. The crumbs of his attention and his lame excuses for his behavior are enough to make you wonder if it’s all in your head.
6. He Insists That You Do Everything To His Standards
You might not even know what his standards ARE, but it feels like whatever you do is wrong. He’s critical of efforts that you make even in good faith. The relationship feels difficult.
7. You Feel Like You Have To Chase Him To Get Your Needs Met
Because he doesn’t really have your best interests at heart (or even vaguely on his mind), getting appreciation, encouragement or even acknowledgement is an uphill battle. He may make vague promises, but, more often than not, he doesn’t keep them.
8. He Doesn’t Ever Ask About You
He doesn’t really seem to want to know much about you. Your conversations are deep and wonderful (because he managed to hook you in the first place), but over time it becomes clear that he doesn’t really seem to take much interest in you, except maybe when you’re in his immediate company.
9. When You Need Him, He’s Too Busy
Need a favor? He’s unreachable or has a lame excuse for why he can’t help you.
10. He’s Selfish
It feels like you’re constantly dancing to the beat of his drum rather than the other way around. When given the choice between doing something nice for you or himself, you suspect he’d choose himself every time.
11. He’s Disrespectful And Uses “Humor” To Insult You
Jerks make mean jokes at your expense. He might call you a mean-spirited pet name like “b*tch” or “a**hole”. When you get offended and speak up about his disrespect, he will try to claim that it was all a joke. Even worse, he might accuse you of being the sensitive one. He may tone it down for a while, but over time his disrespect keeps creeping back into your interactions.
12. He Uses How “Damaged” He Is To Excuse His Poor Behavior
As a fun, zany hybrid of excuse-making, he blames his shabby relationship behavior on “being damaged,” “previous bad relationships,” “not being sure how to love again” and/or “having trust issues.” If he’s particularly jerky, he’ll resort to sob stories and let you feel sorry for him AND make up your own excuses.
This is probably the case if you find yourself thinking, All I have to do show him kindness. He’s been through so much. This makes you want to heal his broken wing by being particularly forgiving. The worst part about this is that while you’re “being understanding,” he’s learning just how much he can get away with.
In love with a loser
Ok so my story is very long so here it goes. I was dating a guy for about 2 months. my whole family was against me dating him because he has a pending court case with domestic violence. I talked about it with him in detail and he has evidence to prove he’s innocent plus I don’t get that vibe from him. Everything about him I know my family doesn’t want me to be with him. He has 3 kids and because of the case can’t get a job, but he treats me really good and says he loves me and any money he’s gotten he’s spent on me. I feel great when I’m with him but broke it off because of family but also cus he did my taxes for me n messed them up n now I’m being reviewed n I have to wait for them to contact me. And his excuse is he was just trying to help me out because of his situation he know he cant provide like he should n wanted to help in any way he can. Here’s the catch, the difference was going to his account. He says its cus it was suppose to be a surprise n said his mom would call me to prove it cus he did the same for her n cried to me n all saying how sorry he was n he messed up n he shouldn’t have done it n he’ll pay for any fines I may get. And he loves me n wants to marry me. In the end of it all he asked me if he should give up trying to be with me n move on n I said yes, but I do love him n we had good times together. He treated me right in everyway esp compared to the last relationship I had. He’s cried to me and begged and came up with ways for me to be with him for my family not to know in the past but I just feel like things keep coming up n every time they do he says all the right things to make me think otherwise. I feel so confused and hurt and heart broken. I want to be with him but I don’t know if it worth it and what his intentions are but it just felt so good when I was with him and now I feel miserable. writing and reading this I know I sound dumb :/ but cant help how I feel for him. I think I already know but would like a second opinion.
Ok it’s time for some Tough Love. Here’s your second opinion;
Stop being such a dumb ass!
Clearly, this guy is not worth your time. You know this, you’re family has told you this, and I don’t even know you and I’m telling you the same thing. Leave this guy before it’s too late.
So let’s recap:
- He’s in trouble with the law for domestic violence.
- He has 3 kids.
- Can’t get a job.
- Attempted to steal from you.
- Got you in trouble with the IRS.
- Promised to pay any fines you might get from the IRS but he doesn’t have a DAMN JOB!
I really don’t think I need to say anymore. It’s pretty clear that you should forget about this loser right now and listen to your family. Your family loves you and they only want the best for you. I really doubt they would opposed a relationship with someone who was truly a good catch. Should I consult Attorney Douglas Miranda and get a professional help?
As an added bonus I’ve dug up a video that fits perfectly with this post, enjoy: (Lala is ghetto but she’s still pretty good looking…LOL)
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3 Questions for Deciding to Leave Him or Stay
“You should leave him!”
Do these words ring familiar? Have you been told this by concerned family members and friends because they see you with a relationship partner who does not value you enough?
Is it maddening when you tell yourself to leave him or her but find that you just go back? Maybe you overly reflect on past good times and just want them back. Perhaps you see potential in your partner that no one else seems to see. Or, maybe you love the partner so much and can’t truly see yourself without them. Perhaps you fear being alone, even for short time.
If you can relate to these dilemmas, please know that there are a lot of “emotionally walking wounded” people like you out there. I coach many women and men who are in up-and-down, drama-filled, problematic relationships.
To be fair, sometimes we exaggerate or distort what our partners do and develop blind spots regarding our own relationship behaviors. In my book, Why Can’t You Read My Mind?, I discuss nine toxic thinking patterns that destroy loving relationships. The premise is that we need to be aware of how we think and feel about our partners. We do need to identify irrational beliefs which get in the way of loving relationships. For example, do you engage in “all or nothing” thinking in which you see your partner as always worried about himself before others? Or how about labeling where you unfairly assign an all-encompassing negative label to your partner such as lazy. The problem with giving someone a label is that you are encouraging him or her to live up to it.
But let’s say this person you are casually dating, seeing on a steady basis, or even married to is treating you poorly and has been doing so for a while. And consider all you have been doing (which does not seem to help) to promote a healthier relationship such as trying to talk things out, come up with better compromises, or maybe even suggesting counseling.
In this case, ask yourself the following questions:
1. Is there anything else I can change to make this relationship better?
If the answer is truly “yes,” then you can keep working on it. But just make sure the work you do is with a small “w” (learning, within reason, to communicate better) versus a big “W” (recovering from repeatedly being put down). If there really is, however, nothing you can do to make the relationship better, then go to questions 2 and 3.
2. Do I feel better or worse about myself by being in this relationship?
If, for example, you are only in the relationship to avoid being alone, then this is likely not a healthy situation for you. If you feel really taken with the partner (except for the times she or he treats you poorly) than ask yourself how reasonable is it that they treat you poorly in the first place? Has it become a habit for them to treat you that way and for you to accept it?
3. Am I better off with or without them, for the long term?
Do you really believe this person is your best option for being in a healthy, happy relationship? If you honestly can say no, then it may be time to go!
All relationships are unique and can feel complex. But my clients have found that the above questions can help clarify relationship decisions and make them feel less complicated.
20 Clear Signs You Should Stay In Your Relationship Or Leave ASAP
Do they deserve another shot?
Relationships are always tricky. Even if you’re the perfect couple, you’re bound to run into a few bumps along the way, it’s just an inevitable fact that comes with life! There comes a time in every relationship, usually after a big fight, where you consider if the relationship is worth it or not.
It’s always a tough situation because on one hand, you love them and you’ve already put so much into the relationship, but on the other hand, you could just continue to get hurt if you stay.
If you’ve reached a breaking point in your relationship, and you’re having a hard time deciding if you should stay in your relationship or leave, hopefully this article can help out a little.
Leave ASAP: They’re extremely jealous when you talk to other people
If your partner is jealous when you only talk to another guy, or girl, then there’s a big problem in your relationship. You should be able to maintain healthy relationships with friends outside your romantic relationship with them. If they’re constantly monitoring your whereabouts and who you’re talking to, it’s probably time to leave.
Stay In Your Relationship: You had a huge fight
Sure, big fights are terrible in relationships, but it usually doesn’t take just one to end a relationship. If you had a huge fight with your S/O and it wasn’t something major then it’s definitely okay to stay in the relationship. You’ll work it out eventually, it just might take a couple more fights first.
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Leave ASAP: You spend a lot of time thinking about what else is out there
It’s normal to think about what else is out there from time to time when you’re in a relationship but if you find yourself thinking if someone else would listen to you more, communicate more or be more reliable then there might be some clear problems in your relationship. You may need something else that your partner just can’t give you and you just haven’t admitted it yet.
Stay In Your Relationship: You feel respected and supported
If you go through the occasional rough patch or have big fights every once in a while, as long as you feel safe, respected and supported in your relationship, you should stay. If you’re both willing to give each other space and trust that they’ll be there to talk it out when you’re ready, it’s probably a healthy relationship that you should hang onto.
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Leave ASAP: Your partner has a major character flaw
There are a lot of character flaws that should probably cause you to end the relationship. Problems with alcoholism, drug addiction, habitually cheating, the need to tell lies constantly and a lot of others. If your partner won’t at least try to work on these problems or get help for them, it might be time to move on.
Stay In Your Relationship: If you’re going through a rough patch
Every relationship is bound to hit a rough patch at some point. Life gets stressful and things get more complicated as you go along, but that doesn’t mean you should leave at the first sign of difficulties. If you work through the rough patch together it’s only going to make your relationship stronger.
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Leave ASAP: There’s ANY type of abuse in the relationship
If there’s any type of abuse present in your relationship, whether it’s physical, verbal, emotional or sexual, you should absolutely leave and seek help from a victim’s shelter. Abusive relationships can get extremely dangerous very fast and can even become life-threatening. Seek help from your family and friends or any abuse-related help centres nearest to you.
Stay In Your Relationship: The good times outweigh the bad times
If your relationship doesn’t include any abuse, because that is absolutely unacceptable, you should stay if the good times outweigh the bad. If your partner is still the person you want to talk to after a bad day. If they’re still the first person you want to tell good news to first. And if they’re always going to be the one who understands and loves all your little quirks, it might not be time to give up on them just yet.
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Leave ASAP: You’re just going through the motions in your relationship
Sure, you could still be going on dates every weekend, giving each other compliments and the occasional gift, and having sex but if nothing is spontaneous and fun you might just be going through the motions. If you’re not actually enjoying the relationship, it might be time to leave.
Stay In Your Relationship: You’re still attracted to them
This isn’t the most important thing in a relationship, because you can be attracted to someone who treats you horribly, but it still is something to consider. If that spark is still there you should consider sticking around because maybe you can still work through your problems.
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Leave ASAP: One of you is still hung up on your ex
If one of you are still pining after your ex, still talking to them on a consistent basis or even hooking up with them occasionally, your current relationship probably isn’t working. By thinking about your ex it’s showing your partner that you’re not emotionally available and the relationship can’t move forward.
Stay In Your Relationship: Your difficulties are only circumstantial
Maybe you’re in a long distance relationship, your work schedules don’t match up or one of you is going through a stressful time in their lives, any of these circumstances could make a relationship difficult. But these circumstances won’t last forever and if you can make it through them together, your relationship will end up stronger in the end.
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Leave ASAP: You’re waiting for your partner to change in order for the relationship to work out
If you’re waiting for your partner to change their minds about having kids or change any personal or moral values then that’s a clear sign the relationship won’t work out. You should either discuss a compromise or just cut your losses because you can’t expect the issue to go away by ignoring it, it will eventually come up again down the line.
Stay In Your Relationship: You hear each other’s frustrations and concerns
If your concerns are heard, your fights feel productive and your frustrations are taken seriously, it’s a good sign that your relationship is working and moving forward. If you’re not having the same fight over and over, you’re definitely making progress.
Leave ASAP: Your partner’s little quirks that you used to love are now driving you crazy
Maybe it’s eating with their mouth open, maybe they leave the light on in the bathroom at night, or maybe they snore when they sleep. All these little quirks could have been cute at the beginning but now you can’t stand when they do this around you, it could be a sign that the relationship is coming to an end. Fixating on smaller things in a relationship is a way for you to ignore the bigger problems when you’re just not ready to let a relationship go.
Stay In Your Relationship: Your friends and family like them
If your family and friends like the person you’re dating, then it’s a good sign that your relationship is working. It takes a lot for your S/O to win over the people in your life that already love you, so if they can do that you’re probably dating one of the good ones.
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Leave ASAP: You spend more time with your friends, at work or watching Netflix than with your S/O
Spending time with your friends, enjoying some much-deserved alone time, and working hard at your job are all great things that you shouldn’t have to give up in a relationship. But if you’re constantly choosing these things over spending quality time with your S/O it might be a sign that the relationship isn’t working out.
Stay In Your Relationship: You like who you are when you’re with them
If you feel like your partner brings out the best side of you when you’re with them, it’s probably a good sign that you’ve got something special. A lot of relationships can turn sour and you can end up bringing out the worst in each other, so it’s important to hold onto someone who is good for you.
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Leave ASAP: Things aren’t moving forward and there’s no explanation for it
There won’t be a bright future for your relationship if things don’t move forward and for things to move forward you have to keep the intimacy alive. If your partner makes excuses about introducing you to their friends or family, won’t talk to about your future or refuses to open up about themselves it might be a sign that things aren’t working out.
Stay In Your Relationship: You’re both willing to try harder to make it work
A relationship has a good chance of working out if you’re both willing to try harder to overcome your problems. As long as you’re both on the same page that you want to make the relationship work, it probably will!
Why Women Stay with Controlling Men
Why would a woman stay in a relationship with a guy who puts her down, hems her in, and perhaps even physically abuses her? Why would a woman hold down two jobs to keep the rent paid and food on the table while her boyfriend sits around smoking weed all day? Why oh why would a woman allow herself to be emotionally blackmailed by her boyfriend’s threats that he will kill himself or her or both if she even talks about leaving a relationship that is going nowhere?
There’s no easy answer. Often it’s a complicated mix of a number of answers. If you wonder why on earth you stay with the guy who keeps hurting you in spite of promises to do better, in spite of protestations that he loves you, in spite of your obvious distress about how things are going, see if you recognize yourself in any of these common reasons.
But please be careful not to jump to conclusions based on a list. It’s not at all uncommon for relationships to have some challenging times. Reasons for staying become problems when they become excuses or ways we fool ourselves into believing that things aren’t that bad when in fact they are. If you keep getting hurt; if you know in your heart that the relationship is diminishing you but you still keep going back for more, it may be time for you to get into therapy or to find the resources in your community that help women extricate themselves from a controlling or abusive relationship.
8 Bad Reasons Women Stay in Painful Relationships
- Because being someone’s everything is intoxicating stuff – at least at first. When you met, he only had eyes for you. He called to say good morning. He called to say “I love you” at lunch. He wanted to be the last voice you heard before you went to sleep. When you left work or your last class for the day, there he was – waiting for you. If another guy even looked at you, he put his arm protectively around you. If a guy friend called you up, he pouted. He wanted all your attention. In exchange, he gave you attention as no one ever had before. He wined you and dined you (or at least took you out for pizza and a beer several times a week) and made you feel like a princess. Sounds like any romantic beginning, doesn’t it?
If your guy is so insecure that he needs control, his attention gradually became claustrophobic. Over time, his demands for all your attention all the time hemmed you in. You found yourself frantically explaining your every move that didn’t involve him. Staying a bit late for work, a girls’ night out, even a visit to your mother on a Saturday morning became grounds for a fight. What started out as wonderful attention became not so wonderful control.
- Because these guys can be absolutely charming. You didn’t fall in love with your boyfriend for no good reason. He can be charming. He can be romantic. He can say the things that every woman would like to hear. Sometimes he lets you see a sweet vulnerability that melts your heart. He seems to feel genuinely terrible after the two of you have had a big fight. He brings apologies and flowers. He promises he’ll be less jealous. He says you really are his everything. Lovemaking at times like these is delicious. He says all the right things to make you want to give him another chance. Things are wonderful for awhile. But then it starts all over again. You come home a little late and his eyes look stormy. You make a phone call and he has to know just who you’re talking to. Pretty soon, you’re feeling hemmed in again and you know that there’s going to be another blow-out…
- Because you don’t feel you deserve any better. Maybe you grew up in a family where you were told that you were no good, ugly, clumsy, or incompetent. Maybe your father or mother even told you “No one will ever love you.” Perhaps you were an ugly duckling in high school who never had a date or you were never accepted by the people you wished were your friends. Maybe you’ve had a series of disastrous relationships or no relationships at all. Your self-esteem is in the cellar. Even though a part of you knows that your family should have treated you better; even though you understand that high school is harsh for a lot of people, there’s an even bigger part of you that feels that maybe all the people who rejected you were right – you really are a loser. You’ve become convinced you should be grateful for any smidgen of caring your boyfriend provides – even if it is painful.
- Because you don’t know any better. All the women you grew up with were in abusive, difficult relationships. All your girlfriends complain about men who don’t do their share and who stopped being “Mr. Wonderful” long ago. Lacking role models for positive, loving relationships, you think good relationships only happen in the movies. Although you can agree in theory that women deserve to be treated with consideration and respect by the men who love them, you’ve never seen such a relationship up close and personal.
- Because he scares you or manipulates you. There are men who aren’t a bit subtle about their need for control. Try to leave and they threaten to hurt you or your kids or other people you care about. He may have even grabbed you too hard or hit you or locked you in a room or waved a gun around. When he goes into a rage, there’s no telling what he might do. So you do everything you can to prevent it – including staying.
The manipulators are equally effective in trapping their women. They say they will commit suicide if you leave – and it will be all your fault. They are masters at making you feel guilty even when you don’t have a clue what you are guilty for. Fights inevitably shift to all the things you’ve done wrong – or at least wronger than him. You end up staying to make amends and make it right or because you can’t bear the idea of living with the guilt if he hurts himself.
- Because you truly believe you can change him. Because the relationship started out so wonderfully and because he can be so terrific after a fight, you hold onto the idea that you can bring out the best in him. All you have to do is find the right words and behave in the right way, and you’ll have the man of your dreams. Love conquers all, right? Wrong. No one can make another person be anything. He has to want it. He has to be willing to work on it. He has to want to change because it will make him a better person, not because he made an insincere promise in order to make up after a fight. Even though you know all this, you convince yourself that you’re an exception. You’re going to find a way.
- Because you are more afraid of being alone again than of being in a painful relationship. You’ve been alone and it’s lonely. You want someone to talk to in the evening, to cuddle up to at night, to at least once in awhile take the kids. Even picking up his laundry, cooking meals he doesn’t appreciate, and fighting with him is more appealing than coming home to an empty house. If he does help pay the bills and do a few chores (and especially if he pays most of the bills and can be counted on to do some of the heavy work), it’s even harder to think about going it alone. Supporting a family and doing everything to maintain a household as a single person is really, really hard. Maintaining the fiction that you have a partner feels better than dealing with the reality of going it alone.
- Because you love him. The most common answer I get when I ask women why they stay in bad relationships is “because I love him.” Love isn’t always rational, it’s true. There’s no accounting for chemistry. But the fact is that love, especially one-sided love, isn’t enough to sustain a relationship. It’s like one hand clapping.
If you are always on the giving end in the relationship; if you’ve accepted indifference, abuse, or manipulation because you don’t believe you deserve or can get better, it’s time to take charge of your life and to make some changes. If your guy will agree, try out couples therapy. Couples can and do change with commitment to the process and love for each other. If your boyfriend won’t join you in the project, get some therapy for yourself. Build up your self-esteem, develop the skills you need to be successful in the world, and increase your confidence in yourself. A stronger you will be able to hold out for the loving relationship that you deserve.
If you are afraid to end your relationship, you need help and support to stay safe. Call the National Resource Center on Domestic Violence at 800-537-2238 or visit their website at www.ncdsv.org/.
Why Women Stay with Controlling Men