21 Women Who Got Labelled ‘Crazy Ex-Girlfriends’ Tell Their Side Of The Story
- My girlfriend dominating me.
- I want her to call me Daddy.
- I want my girlfriend to sit on my face.
- I want to make her have sex with one of my friends.
- I want her to lay on her back on the bed with her head hanging off the edge, and get oral like that.
- Public sex.
- I’m secretly turned on by the thought of impregnating her.
- I want her to be more submissive.
- Off limits
- Parking lot sex
- Elevator sex
- Public bathroom sex
- He’s the hero
- Taking a woman’s virginity
- He wants to watch
- Cleavage sex
- 1. Being dominated
- 2. Having a threesome
- 3. Getting it on with someone from the same sex
- 5. Having sex with total strangers
- 6. Or, doing it with someone you know that’s not your spouse
- 7. Mixing pain with pleasure
- 8. Making love in a romantic location
- The Seven Most Common Sexual Fantasies
- The 7 Most Popular Sexual Fantasies, According To 4,000 Americans
- What Are My Sexual Fantasies, Anyway? How To Figure Out What Turns You On
- What Men Fantasize About
- How men’s and women’s sexual fantasies differ
- The seven most common sexual fantasies, revealed
- Shape Created with Sketch. Sex toys designed by women – in pictures
21 Women Who Got Labelled ‘Crazy Ex-Girlfriends’ Tell Their Side Of The Story
Since I wrote today about women’s sexual fantasies and how difficult it can be to share them with their partners, I also surveyed my male friends to find what common fantasies *they* had that they were uncertain about sharing with their girlfriends or wives. Surprisingly, they aren’t that different from women.
My girlfriend dominating me.
“In our relationship I feel like I have to initiate EVERYTHING. It’s exhausting. Sometimes there’s not even room for me to tell if she’s really enjoying herself because she always wants me to be in charge. I think she wouldn’t find this sexy, but I would love nothing more than to lay back for once and do what SHE tells me to do. I want her to be in charge and use my body however she wants to to get herself off.”
I want her to call me Daddy.
“I would NEVER, EVER tell my girlfriend this, but I really, really want her to call me Daddy during sex. I’m not a pedophile, my girlfriend is actually a few months older than me. But something about this hits deep inside, some kind of animal instinct, it turns me on like no other.
I want my girlfriend to sit on my face.
“I have shared this fantasy with a few girlfriends in the past and since I got the same (negative) response with all of them I haven’t bothered to bring it up to my current gf. I want a girl to sit on my face so I can eat her out, it’s messy, sure, but I like that. I want it to be messy and feel a little bit suffocated and out of control.”
I want to make her have sex with one of my friends.
“Not only would I never ask my girlfriend to actually do this, I won’t even joke about it with friends when we’re bragging about the sex shit we’ve done. But I want my girlfriend to have sex with one of my friends while I watch. I don’t even want to participate I just want to tell her to do it and enjoy watching.”
I want her to lay on her back on the bed with her head hanging off the edge, and get oral like that.
“I’ve seen it and I’ve read it and I’ve asked just about every girl I hooked up with to try it — only one said yes and it was the best oral of my life. Now I’m married, and it’s just not the kind of thing you ask your wife to do, but I can’t stop thinking about it. I don’t want the “best” of anything I do in bed to be behind me. I really want to do this, I just don’t think she will say yes or enjoy it even if she does. It’s to the point where I’m thinking about putting an ad on Craiglist to just do it again and get it over with.”
“The only regret I have about getting married young is that I wasn’t with more adventurous women before I settled down. Now I will never know what anal is like. I haven’t asked my wife for it but I’ve asked her for much tamer things and she’s just not interested in trying new things. I really want to see how this feels.”
“I want to make a girl squirt, it’s like a sense of accomplishment for me as a man. But I’ve learned that it takes female cooperation and females do not like to cooperate. Squirting for them feels amazing but they don’t like to do it because they are too shy. I don’t get it. If a girl could make me have some insane orgasm I’d be super thankful.”
“I want to take my girlfriend to a sex club and fuck her while a bunch of people watch. It’s a compliment, I want them to see how hot she is and be proud that I landed her. But the girl I’m with is a conservative lawyer, she’d never go for it.”
I’m secretly turned on by the thought of impregnating her.
“I suffered an injury in Iraq that left me totally healthy down there, except that I probably won’t be able to have kids. I’m extremely sensitive about it, and as a result I developed a kind of fetish about not using condoms and getting a girl pregnant. I’ve haven’t seriously dated someone since this started so it’s super frustrating to have to use condoms every single time I have sex. All I want to do is tell them about it and try it one time, I would cum so hard, but I’m pretty sure they’ll think I’m a freak.”
I want her to be more submissive.
“My girlfriend is a feminist, and I am too — I don’t believe that’s at odds with having some roleplay fun in the bedroom — but I’ll never tell her I want to roleplay domination/submission stuff because I think she’ll think I’m like, a depraved misogynist. It’s not like that, I love and respect her, it’s just really, really fucking hot to think about fucking hard her with my hand on her throat.”
Spice up your love life by indulging in your boyfriend’s sexual fantasies. Get him to tell you them or just read on to find out the sexual fantasies he has.
In life it is normal to have desires and fantasies that are about anything and everything.
It is also normal to have plenty of sexual fantasies, yet despite this being part of human nature people find it hard to discuss them.
A lot of men and women are scared to admit to their partner what they want done to them, or what they want to do.
In fact, a lot of men have even said that when they do mention their sexual fantasies, they feel embarrassed, rejected, or shut down.
This then leads to them just not admitting their sexual fantasies due to the reactions they have experienced by others in the past.
However, being in a relationship, you should be able to express your sexual fantasies, and you should be able to give them a shot as long as the people participating are willing.
It is important to be open to trying new things as it will help spice up your love life, and you will satisfy your boyfriend in a way he has never experienced before.
Read on to learn the most common sexual fantasies your boyfriend may have!
A lot of men have revealed that they really want to see their woman all over them, but also all over another woman.
They want to be able to sit back and watch as they both get into it, and to then jump in and enjoy it by also experiencing that sense of physical intimacy.
Another common sexual fantasy men have, is the wanting of the experience to hire a hooker, a high-end escort, or watching and then getting a private dance from a stripper or a dancer.
Men seem to be interested in the thrill of this and all the exciting features they would get from having sex with a woman who does this occupation.
He would be able to tell her what to do, how to do it, what he wants to see, and to be in control while being with a sexy temptress.
Fear not, to those women who don’t want their boyfriend with another woman. You can satisfy this fantasy for your man by doing these roles your self!
Like everyone, boyfriends also want what they can’t have. There’s a certain lure about a woman who is taken, or just not interested because men love the chase and want to win.
They want to compete, and work for their reward. In this case, their reward would be getting the woman they couldn’t have and having sex with her.
Parking lot sex
Hot car sex is something that has a youthful spirit to it, while also being very risky. This is something that is also a common sexual fantasy that lots of boyfriends seem to have in common.
They want to pleasure their partner in their car in a darkly lit parking lot in the middle of the night.
A lot of boyfriends dream of getting stuck in an elevator with their girlfriend.
They also fantasize about then taking her right then and there. Hot elevator sex, like parking lot sex it is risky but is also very steamy and sexy.
Public bathroom sex
Picture this, a beautiful evening out, some wine with your amazing meal sounds great right. Now picture bathrooms that are very easy for the both of you to sneak into.
Like elevator sex or parking lot sex, boyfriends also share the common sexual fantasy of sneaking in and out of a restaurant bathroom undetected so they can have fast, hot, and amazingly passionate sex with their partner.
Another sexy feature of this fantasy is the fact that the two of you have to be quiet, and will have to try different positions than the usual ones you do while in bed.
He’s the hero
A common sexual fantasy that men have is where they become the hero. This fantasy is one that you see in the moves.
The man leaving his apartment, he hears a woman screaming for help in an alley, and he saves her. He then brings her back to his place to help clean her up and give her medical attention.
After he sees a big wound on her back he asks if he can clean it, so her shirt comes off and he has to move her bra straps. After he cleans it, they start making out and things get physical very fast.
Yes, that does sound like the Buffy and Angel moment from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and it is a common sexual fantasy your boyfriend may fantasize about constantly.
They want to be the hero, the spy, the prince, or any role that involves them saving their girl, and then getting a sexy reward.
A lot of boyfriends also have the sexual fantasy of watching a woman from a far get undressed, and then pleasure herself.
A lot of men seem to want to be the one dominating the woman, whether it’s with commands of how to lay or what to do, or by actually incorporating BDSM into their sex lives.
However, a lot of boyfriends also have sexual fantasies about being the one who’s being dominated.
Men love doing the work, but sometimes they also want to be the one to do no work and receive lots of pleasure. Men also have the fantasy of the women telling them what to do while they take charge.
Taking a woman’s virginity
A common sexual fantasy boyfriends have is to take a woman’s virginity.
They want to be that guy who was just too attractive, handsome, sexy, or had the best personality which resulted in them being the girls very first.
He wants to watch
Boyfriends have admitted that as much as they are over protective and do get jealous, they also have a sexual fantasy of watching their girl have sex with one of their friends.
This sexual fantasy is one most men say they will never do and will never tell anyone. Yet, they still admit that this would be one of their sexual fantasies that they consider the hottest.
Last but not least, boyfriends fantasize about having cleavage sex. This is when the man puts his penis between the woman’s breasts and either she moves up and down or he thrusts into them until he orgasms.
Men have lots of sexual fantasies. Some others which tend to be common would be role playing.
Men want to have their woman as the sexy cop, doctor, or teacher. However, some men also want to be those characters in their own fantasy.
Either way, these characters your boyfriend has plenty of sexual fantasies of, can easily be done. Once you get the right attire, the persona will come naturally.
Boyfriends also fantasize about having sex on a beach, they love the possibility of getting caught, and they also fantasize about mind-blowing oral sex.
Some more common sexual fantasies your boyfriend may have are making their partner orgasm while driving, or them having an orgasm as they drive.
They also fantasize about being called daddy, doing anal, trying new risky positions, and having sex in a sex club.
Men love to be sexually pleased, and they also love to please. However, if you try your boyfriend’s sexual fantasy, he will be pleased in a way he has never been before.
So embrace your boyfriend’s sexual fantasies and give it a try. It will add to your sex life and even your partnership.
If you can think of any other common sexual fantasies your boyfriend may have, feel free to share!
Tagshow to enhance sexual intimacy
People fantasize about a lot of things: a no-expenses-barred vacation in Bora Bora, finally getting promoted to the corner office, one full day where no one wants or needs a single thing from you… And fantasizing about those things are fun, because you just might get them one day. But you shouldn’t take your sexual fantasies so literally.
As intense as sexual fantasies may be, “we may not actually want to do them,” says Cyndi Darnell, a clinical sexologist based in New York City. “Instead, these fantasies can offer a portal into aspects of our non-sexual emotions that we’re trying to reconcile in our day-to-day lives.”
And, sometimes, those fantasies can be a little troubling—like, say, fantasizing about having sex with someone besides your partner. But imagining being naked with a stranger doesn’t necessarily mean you’re looking to cheat or in you’re in the throes of an emotional affair. “What makes a fantasy powerful is the fact that it is just that: a fantasy!” says Darnell. “Its purpose is to help you process things, and is not a reflection of any latent erotic desire.”
Confused about what your sexual fantasies might mean? These are a few of the most common ones.
1. Being dominated
Looking for a Christian Grey to your Anastasia Steele? Nearly 65 percent of women fantasize about being dominated sexually, according to a survey of more than 1,000 people that was published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine. “There’s a reason 50 Shades of Grey made such an impact!” says Channa Bromley, a relationship and dating coach. “BDSM is alluring because one partner relinquishes all sense of control. They’re submissive to the person touching them, but subconsciously give themselves permission to be wild, to be orgasmic in response—she doesn’t need to hold back.”
Fantasizing about being dominated doesn’t imply that you’re weak or that your partner is superior to you, though. “Fantasies involving power play may speak to a desire to gain or relinquish control regarding our private lives, work lives, or role in society,” says Darnell. “Power dynamics in an erotic context create such sensorial arousal.”
2. Having a threesome
Eighty-nine percent of the 4,175 Americans surveyed by social psychologist Justin Lehmiller, Ph.D., for his book Tell Me What You Want admitted to fantasizing about having a threesome with other people (those in relationships did say ideally one of those people would be their partner).
“Fantasies of being the center of attention and desired by large groups of people may be about a longing to be seen and valued as a person of worth or importance, or part of something much larger than the individual self,” says Darnell. That could be why around 57 percent of women actually fantasize about having sex with more than three people at a time, according to the Journal of Sexual Medicine.
3. Getting it on with someone from the same sex
Lehmiller’s study also found that 59 percent of women confess to fantasizing about sex with other women. But if you’ve always been into the opposite sex, a sexy girl-on-girl dream doesn’t mean you’re suddenly not into guys. “Female on female sex focuses on oral and clitoral stimulation, and this is how many women orgasm,” says Bromley. “A fantasy about another woman could be about the desire to be pleasured in a way that women understand best.”
And, not for nothing, it’s only recently that women have been able to express more freedom and choice around sex. So dreaming of a little same-sex action may be more about that liberation than sexual orientation—“gender fantasies might suggest longing to break free of the social obligations placed upon us by gendered restrictions,” explains Darnell.
4. Enjoying a romp in public
If you’ve ever had sex as a guest in someone’s house, you know that the thrill of getting caught can make your romp seem even hotter. And 57 percent of women fantasize about taking things even further by having sex in a public place, according to the research published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine. “There’s a sense of liberation and empowerment in fantasizing about having an audience and the idea that you sexually excite others with your performance and arousal,” says Bromley.
Just because you dream about or imagine being naked in front others doesn’t mean you’ve got an exhibitionist streak IRL. Remember, “fantasies permit us to engage in imaginary scenarios without real-world complications—like jealousy, hurt feelings, offending others, or even risking arrest,” says Levy.
5. Having sex with total strangers
Ever had a sexy stranger show up in your dreams, or someone you’ve never met in person (ahem, Idris Elba…)? Nearly 50 percent of women report that they fantasize about having sex with an unknown person, the survey in the Journal of Sexual Medicine found. “The anonymous ‘stranger’ fantasy permits people to avoid issues like attachment, intimacy, or jealousy,” says David A. Levy, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and marriage and family therapist based in Los Angeles.
The more impersonal nature of a stranger fantasy may also indicate you’re trying to detach yourself from something that has nothing to do with your relationships. “Fantasies about sex with strangers may give expression to a desire to be free of pressure, duty, and responsibility to others in our day-to-day lives,” says Darnell. “Often times, such fantasies are about what that person represents rather than who they are.”
6. Or, doing it with someone you know that’s not your spouse
Sixty-six percent of women fantasize about having sex acquaintances, reports the Journal of Sexual Medicine. But if your boss, your friend’s husband, or your smokin’ neighbor suddenly makes an appearance in one of your fantasies, don’t freak out.
“One of the greatest enemies of sexual desire and satisfaction is boredom,” says Levy, “especially in longer-term relationships.” Fantasizing about someone you know is partly due to the fact that they regularly show up in your real life, and also because “novelty, mystery, curiosity, and imagination are all hallmarks of desire,” says Bromley.
P.S. If you’re fantasizing about someone you despise, it’s not just for the super hot hate sex: “Fantasies about a person we actively dislike may be a way of coming to terms with the dynamic and taking control of the situation in your mind to make peace with it in the real world,” says Darnell.
7. Mixing pain with pleasure
Going back to those 50 Shades fantasies… Sixty-five percent of people fantasize about receiving pain, whether in the form of spanking, biting, or dripping hot wax, Lehmiller found in his research. “S&M is about relinquishing control—it’s a way people forget themselves,” says Bromley. “The pain brings you into your physical being and into the present moment. Also, physiologically, the pain inflicted wakes up the body, making it more sensitive to pleasure.”
Spanking, biting, and dripping hot wax are all elements of foreplay, which builds anticipation and pleasure to even higher levels before the main event. “The dynamic here usually involves control: either gaining a sense of control (usually for the person administering the pain) or relinquishing control (for the person receiving the pain),” says Levy.
8. Making love in a romantic location
Nearly 85 percent of women fantasize about getting down in a sultry locale, like on a deserted beach, the survey in the Journal of Sexual Medicine found. It’s not just because we’ve been conditioned by romance novel covers, although that does play a part—“for women, emotional and contextual factors are more prominent in fantasies,” says Levy, and a romantic setting can help get you revved up.
Somewhere romantic like “a deserted beach is far away from chores, deadlines, or any responsibilities,” says Bromley. “It’s a place where a woman can just be in the present moment. There isn’t anything waiting for her to do, she can just relax into the bliss.” And what’s sexier than that?
In a post–Fifty Shades era, we’re increasingly encouraged to discuss our sex fantasies out in the open—or at least own up to them in our private lives. Taboos are eroding, sexual norms are shifting, and we’re likelier than ever to crow from the rooftops about what turns us on.
Here, thanks to recent studies, research, and well, ladies just sharing their brilliant insight, are 25 of the most common fantasies women have.
Both giving and receiving head came up as a top fantasy in one study. While oral isn’t exactly “out there,” it can be imbued with a kink dynamic that sets it apart from activities traditionally understood to be mutually pleasurable, like penis-in-vagina sex. You might sometimes view giving oral sex as a submissive service, for example, or a dominant act of taking what’s yours. Meanwhile, receiving oral might make you feel like a pampered queen in her throne or a thoroughly ravaged snack. However you frame it, it’s clear that tons of people find oral sex hot as hell.
Sex in Public
The thrill of sex in a public or semi-public place has long been a popular fantasy: dark alleys, public bathrooms, and movie theaters are common choices. The thrill of getting caught is one commonly cited reason, as is a general interest in exhibitionism. A word of warning: Having sex out in the open can be a risky endeavor for both your criminal record and for the wellbeing of passersby, so it might be better left a fantasy.
Sex in an Unusual Location
Even if you’re fantasizing about the same old sex acts you always fall back on, out-of-the-ordinary settings like a hotel room, a sex club, or the kitchen counter can heat up your imaginings.
You can be perfectly happy with your partner and still find something electrically exciting about the idea of cheating on them. It could be the danger of getting caught that draws you in, the freshness of a new sexual connection, or something else entirely. As with many fantasies, it’s important to keep in mind that wanting to imagine this type of sex doesn’t necessarily mean you want to have this type of sex. But if you do, maybe some form of ethical non-monogamy is an avenue you should explore.
Missionary might do it for some, but for others, pegging is a big turn-on. For those who aren’t familiar, pegging is where a woman has anal sex with someone using a strap-on, and—for those who are game—it can be a surefire way to flip the script on vanilla sex. Hot tip: It’s not for everyone, but if you’re intrigued, talk to your S.O. to see if he/she is down with this type of get down.
Fifty Shades of Grey normalized this fantasy more widely than ever before; one study found 65 percent of women crave being dominated. There’s a wide palette of fantasy scenarios to draw from here: You can picture something as subtle as a trusted partner holding you down by the wrists while they kiss you, all the way up to extreme BDSM involving pain, humiliation, or whatever else your kinky little heart desires.
While not as socially sanctioned for women as submissiveness, fantasies of being in control in the bedroom are super fun and quite common, with 47 percent of women admitting to having had this fantasy. It can be incredibly hot to call the shots during sex, especially in a culture that systematically tries to strip women of our power both in and out of the bedroom.
From impromptu tools, like neckties à la Christian Grey, to more intense bondage scenarios involving rope, cuffs, or under-the-bed restraints, the thought of being restrained (or restraining someone else) is incredibly hot to many folks. Being unable to move makes you helpless to a partner’s advances, whether those involve pleasure, pain, or a little of both! (Do your research on this one before acting it out, though. There are a lot of ways bondage can go wrong, in an actually dangerous and not just kinky-dangerous manner.)
Blindfolds are one easy way to explore this avenue. Wearing one keeps you blissfully unaware of what your partner is about to do to you—and putting one on someone else helps you maintain your control and mystique over them. Adding noise-cancelling headphones can also be fun if you really want to keep someone on their toes!
Showing off can be incredibly sexy, especially if the person watching you is as excited about your bangin’ bod as they ought to be! Maybe you fantasize about stripping for a partner, performing in a porn flick, or masturbating for an agog audience. It’s hot to feel hot.
On the flip side, watching other people get it on can be a massive turn-on. Maybe you imagine peeking at a couple boning in a fitting room at the mall, sitting in as an anonymous tipper in an online cam show, or watching a boundary-pushing BDSM scene at a dungeon. There are so many possibilities for (consenting) perviness.
Sex With a Celebrity
Some 52 percent of women reported having had this fantasy, and with good reason: Celebrities are often hot as hell. It’s also often easier and less complicated to picture your fave celeb—say, the star of that primetime comedy you can’t get enough of or that singer/songwriter whose crooning gets you swooning—than a stranger or someone you actually know in real life. Plus, there’s something affirming about the fantasy of a celebrity choosing you over all the other fawning fangirls available to them.
Sex With an Ex
The idea of going there again would be bad, but the ways in which they understand your body can be so, so good. In your fantasy life, you can revisit the excellent ex you’ll (hopefully) never hook up with again, without any of the emotional drama that would arise if you tried.
Sex With a Stranger
Anonymity is probably what draws many people to one-night stands, after all. It’s potentially hot to think that someone would be attracted to you only for your body and your sex appeal, since they don’t really know anything else about you. And when you’re done, you can throw your clothes back on and peace out. Easy-peasy.
Sex With a Professor
It might be problematic in real life, but being the teacher’s pet is a sexy fantasy, even if you’ve been done with your college days for a while. Plus, professors are so smart, distinguished, and accomplished—and don’t even get me started on those tweed blazers with the elbow patches.
If you struggle to let your inner sex kitten loose, sometimes imagining yourself in a specific role can help. It’s kind of along the same lines as getting it on with your hot professor: Does a nurse-and-patient fantasy get your gears turning? How about boss and secretary? Parent and babysitter? The possibilities are almost endless.
Costumes can help you get in the right headspace for some serious debauchery. They can also make you feel like a total vixen. Whether you go supernatural (Catwoman? Wonder Woman?) or slightly more down-to-earth (Dana Scully? Lara Croft?), you might feel foxier in a borrowed persona.
Though anal just straight-up feels good for many folks, it also comes with a whole host of cultural taboos that add to its forbidden hotness. It’s “dirty,” something only “bad girls” do. You don’t have to ascribe to these shame-y judgments in your day-to-day life to be able to enjoy them in your fantasy.
Threesomes, foursomes, and “moresomes” put a novel spin on sex, which might explain why 57 percent of women have fantasized about these ambitious trysts. They might go better in fantasy than in reality—in fantasies, for example, no one ever has to feel left out or confused about what they’re supposed to be doing—but if a group-sex fantasy piques your interest, it might be worth pursuing IRL too.
This can mean different things to different people. Maybe your idea of romance is rose petals, Champagne, and staring into each other’s eyes—or maybe it’s a partner knowing exactly how to dominate you and exactly what names to call you in bed. Whatever the manifestation, it’s lovely to imagine having a deep emotional connection with the person you’re banging.
Interestingly, this fantasy is common even for women who identify as straight. It might be the mild frisson of taboo still attached to same-sex interactions, or it might be that lesbian sex tends to focus on the things that actually get most women off: oral sex, fingering, and other clit-focused activities. Craving sex with another woman could mean you’re actually attracted to women, but it also might not; either way, it can be fun to imagine.
The great thing about fantasies is that they don’t have to mesh with your real-life ethics and beliefs—you can be as perverted as you want to be inside your own head. “Daddy” has become a popular kink honorific in recent years, and “step-sister” and “step-mom” porn tends to top the charts on tube sites, suggesting that taboo dynamics have wide appeal. These archetypes and power imbalances can lend themselves to white-hot fantasies.
Sex With Someone Younger
They’re more likely to have more sexual energy than an older person, so you can go at it like jackrabbits for days on end. They’ll also have that wide-eyed naiveté that age and heartbreak tend to beat out of us. And maybe there’s a bit of the forbidden there too: Thirty-something women aren’t “supposed” to lust after their 19-year-old pool boy, after all.
Sex With Someone Older
They could teach you exactly how to please them, because they’ve been around the block a few times. They might look at you patronizingly and call you “sweetheart,” or their eyes might fill with gratitude and incredulity at their luck for getting to bang a hot young thing like you. Fun!
“Happy ending” massages are a popular search term on porn sites, especially for women. It may be that the relaxation and slow, calming movements prep your body and mind for heights of arousal; sex researcher Emily Nagoski notes in her book Come As You Are that stress can physiologically inhibit pleasure and orgasm in women, after all. Once you’re all oily and melty and floaty, the stage is set for sinfully intense ecstasy.
No matter what your jam is in fantasyland, remember that your private thoughts don’t have to define you—and that it’s OK to have fantasies that conflict with who you believe yourself to be in real life. Your fantasy life is just your fantasy life, until and unless you choose to make it into more. And whether the situations you picture are tame or wild, “standard” or taboo, sexual imagination can be a deep well of joy and excitement.
The Seven Most Common Sexual Fantasies
Source: Peter Hershey on Unsplash
What is your favorite sexual fantasy?
I asked 4,175 Americans this question as part of the survey that formed the basis for my book Tell Me What You Want. I gave people the opportunity to write out their favorite fantasies in their own words, and many went into great detail. I then looked for common themes in people’s descriptions and found that seven broad categories emerged. These included:
1. Multipartner sex. Most often, this included things like threesomes, orgies, and gangbangs.
2. Power, control, and rough sex—anything falling under the umbrella of bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism, and masochism (BDSM).
3. Novelty, adventure, and variety. This refers to doing something that is new and different for you, such as having sex in a new position or setting.
4. Taboo activities. This category involved doing something that you’re not “supposed” to do when it comes to sex. A lot of fetish fantasies fell into this category, as well as other fantasies that psychologists have long deemed “paraphilic” (i.e., unusual).
5. Passion, romance, and intimacy. These fantasies involved meeting emotional needs through sex, such as connecting with a partner, or feeling loved, appreciated, and desired.
6. Being in a nonmonogamous relationship. These fantasies involved practicing some form of non-monogamy, such as swinging, polyamory, cuckolding, or having an open relationship.
7. Gender-bending and homoeroticism. This final category was all about pushing the boundaries of your gender identity/role/expression (such as cross-dressing) and/or your sexual orientation (such as being heterosexual but having a same-sex fantasy).
Please note that these categories are not mutually exclusive. There is some overlap between categories, and people can fantasize about more than one of these things at the same time. For instance, a gangbang fantasy might not just be about multi-partner sex—it may also have elements of BDSM, novelty, and sexual taboos. These seven categories simply represent the predominant fantasy themes in the data, and they can potentially be combined in any number of ways.
In addition to asking about people’s favorite fantasies, I also asked people whether they’ve ever had fantasies about various activities. So let’s look at how many people said they’ve ever had each of these seven types of fantasies. The chart below summarizes this data separately for self-identified men and women.
The 7 most common sex fantasies Source: Justin Lehmiller
As you can see, most people reported having had several different types of fantasies. In other words, it’s perfectly normal to fantasize about a lot of different things.
A couple of additional notes about the data above:
- For the novelty/adventure/variety category, I based this only on whether people reported fantasies about sex in a new setting (such as sex on a beach, in nature, or in public). If you add in trying other new sexual activities (such as using food during sex or role-playing), the numbers get even closer to 100%.
- For the taboo category, I only focused on the activities listed as “paraphilic” in the DSM other than BDSM, given that BDSM was considered separately. This category focused on things like exhibitionism, voyeurism, frotteurism, and fetishism.
- For the passion/romance/intimacy category, I looked at fantasies about romance, feeling loved or appreciated, feeling desired, pleasing a partner, and emotionally connecting with a partner.
- I separated the gender-bending and homoeroticism fantasies in this table because there was an important (and opposite) gender difference in each type of fantasy. Also, while the numbers for all categories were based on the full sample, I only looked at participants who identified as exclusively heterosexual in the homoeroticism category for obvious reasons.
It is important to note that while these numbers reflect how many people said they’d ever had each type of fantasy, the percentage who fantasied about each theme often or reported that it was their favorite fantasy is lower. For some people, these fantasies are just a one-time thing, whereas, for others, they fantasize about these things frequently.
In addition, while the data here came from a large and diverse sample (over 4,000 adults aged 18-87 from all 50 states), it is not representative of the U.S. population. Participants were largely recruited through social media, which means that their demographics more closely match the average social media user than the average American.
Lastly, remember that just become someone fantasizes about something doesn’t necessarily mean that they desire it or want to do it. While there is definitely some overlap between fantasy and desire, these terms are not synonymous.
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The 7 Most Popular Sexual Fantasies, According To 4,000 Americans
Even if you’re not used to talking about it, having sexual fantasies is a totally normal part of your sexuality. A lot of people might still think there’s still a taboo around fantasies, but the truth is they’re completely healthy, whether you’re single or in a relationship.
“It’s completely normal and healthy for couples to have fantasies,” Sarah Watson, LPC and Sex Therapist tells Bustle. “To share them with your partner can create another level of intimacy and closeness. It can improve communication as well. Some fantasies aren’t going to be played out in real life, that is OK. When sharing your fantasies with your partner it is important to share what you already enjoy about your sexual relationship together.” And who knows? You may find that you both can get on board with what the other has been fantasizing about.
But what if you’re not sure what’s on your partner’s mind? Well, a new book, Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life by Dr. Justin Lehmiller, Research Fellow at The Kinsey Institute, looked into what fantasies are brewing in most of our thoughts. According to The Wall Street Journal, Dr. Lehmiller surveyed over 4,000 Americans, asking them over 369 questions about their personalities, sexual histories, and all about their fantasies. The surveyed covered not only ages 18 to 87, but also a huge range of races, religions, and socio-economic backgrounds. And 97 percent of those who replied said that they had sexual fantasies — so it really is nothing to be embarrassed about.
Interestingly, though there were huge variation in fantasies, Dr. Lehmiller found that many of them fell into seven major categories, though there were three more prominent ones. Here’s what we’re fantasizing about.
The Three Major Categories
There were three major categories — and apparently most people think about at least one of them, from time to time. Here’s what they were.
1. Multi-Partner Sex
Threesomes, orgies — a lot of us were imaging what life would be like if it took more than two to tango.
2. Control/Rough Sex
This is fairly broad category. It includes everything from some light bondage play to full-on S&M.
3. Novelty, Adventure, And Variety
Mixing things up definitely has some appeal to people, whether it’s having sex somewhere new, trying a new position, a new toy, or maybe just a new partner.
The Remaining Categories:
While those three categories were on most of our minds, there were four remaining categories thatwere also really popular, according to The Wall Street Journal.
4. Taboo And Forbidden Sex
Under this category they included voyeurism and exhibitionism, as well as fetishes.
Yup — it turns out that many of us in monogamous relationships fantasized about someone else from time-to-time.
6. Passion And Romance
Both men and women sometimes fantasize about the more emotional sides of sex — feeling loved, content, and appreciated.
7. Erotic Flexibility
Erotic flexibility includes same-sex eroticism (as in people who don’t identify as already queer, presumably) and gender-bending. Considering that even women who identify as straight love lesbian porn, the popularity of this may not surprise you.
With sexual fantasies being the norm, it’s definitely time to start exploring if you have one.
“I suggest take it slow and start with a mild version of the fantasy,” Dr. Dawn Michael, certified clinical sexologist, sexuality counselor, and author of My Husband Wont Have Sex With Me tells Bustle. “Perhaps a guy has always wanted his wife to control him in bed, maybe they start out with her telling him a few things that she wants him to do to her or vice versa.”
Whatever your fantasy is, you can ease your way into it. Chances are, your partner has something they’d like to try, too.
What Are My Sexual Fantasies, Anyway? How To Figure Out What Turns You On
We’re always hearing that we could be having better sex, a better orgasm, or a better relationship. But how often do we hear the nitty-gritty of how we can actually better understand our deepest desires and most embarrassing questions? Bustle has enlisted Vanessa Marin, a sex therapist based in San Francisco, to help us out with the details. No gender, sexual orientation, or question is off limits, and all questions remain anonymous. Now, onto this week’s topic: how to discover your sexual fantasies.
Q: My boyfriend is always bugging me to tell him what my sexual fantasies are. He says he’s down to try anything in bed, and just wants to know what turns me on. I like the sex that we have just fine, and I can’t think of things I’d rather be doing in the moment. I don’t think I’m into any of the kinky stuff either. No one has ever asked me about my fantasies before, and now I’m feeling stupid for not having any. I don’t want to lie, but I also can’t think of what to tell him!
A: Thanks for your question! I think that the rise of interest in kink (thanks 50 Shades Of Grey ) has made a lot of people feel like fantasies need to be really wild and out there. But not all fantasies are kink-related, and not all fantasies are intense.
Let’s back up a step and first get clear on what a sexual fantasy is. Simply put, fantasies are the things that you find arousing when you think about them. The main categories of sexual fantasies are:
- Role-playing. This is where you pretend to be certain characters. For example, you might take on the role of a student and your boyfriend might be your teacher.
- Specific sexual behaviors. This category includes things like threesomes, oral sex, playing with sex toys, being spanked and so on. Most of the kinky stuff would fall into this category, but there are plenty of behaviors that are wonderfully vanilla (i.e. tame).
- Power dynamics. You might be into the idea of letting one person be completely in control, and the other person completely submissive.
- Partners. Did you grow up up fantasizing about Justin Timberlake? That would be a partner-specific fantasy.
- Stories. You may have always dreamed of having sex in the middle of an abandoned beach, or losing your virginity to a mysterious stranger.
- Feelings. This is a category that not a lot of people think about, but many of us actually experience. You might fantasize about feeling swept off your feet during an intimate encounter. Or you might dream about feeling confident and uninhibited.
Now, let’s get into the four main ways you can begin to identify what your fantasies are.
1. Remember that fantasies are just fantasies.
The most important thing to know about your fantasies is that they’re rooted in your mind, not in reality. Plenty of people have fantasies that they would never want to act out in real life.
Think about non-sexual fantasies for a moment. You may have dreamed about strangling your horrible boss at work. Maybe you even imagined the scene in vivid detail. But you would never, ever actually kill your boss, right? Having the fantasy doesn’t mean you want to or would do that act in real life.
Sexual fantasies operate in the same way. A rape fantasy is the perfect example. A huge percentage of women are aroused by the idea of being forced into having sex, but virtually none of those women actually want to be raped in real life.
If you think you might be scared of your own fantasies, see if you can allow yourself to recognize the difference between fantasy and reality. If you tell yourself, “it’s OK to have a fantasy and never act on it,” does that help you start identifying your fantasies? Or you can try asking yourself, “what’s something that I would never do in real life, but feels kind of hot to think about?”
2. Try not to worry about being judged.
In a similar vein, you may have a hard time acknowledging your fantasies to yourself or to others because you’re afraid of what your fantasies might say about you. You might worry that your voyeuristic fantasies make you seem “perverted,” or that your anal play fantasies come off as “gross.”
Lots of women who identify as feminists believe that they shouldn’t have fantasies about acts that are degrading to women. We’re talking things like being called a “slut,” dressing up in a cheerleader outfit, or having a male partner orgasm on your face or breasts. You may find these acts to be really sexy in theory, but you might worry that makes you “messed up,” or “unfeminist.”
The key here is to recognize that fantasies are the adult version of play. Fantasies allow us to explore other aspects of our personalities and try on completely different roles, without commitment. They don’t need to “mean” anything or say anything about you. You can be a proud, card-carrying feminist, and enjoy getting naughty facials.
3. Try to find your fantasies.
Sometimes fantasies just appear out of nowhere. But sometimes, they need to be coaxed out. If you’re interested in trying to uncover your fantasies, here are some sources of inspiration:
- Think back to the first memories you have about sex. What did you think sex was? What felt appealing about it? Was there anything that confused you, or scared you a little about it? Maybe you had a fantasy about an older kid in your school “showing you the ropes.”
- Your actual experiences with sex might also contain clues about what turns you on. What are your top five sexual experiences? Is there anything that most of them have in common? Or is there anything that really stands out? Perhaps you had an insanely hot one-night stand with a guy who let you be in complete control.
- What do you think about when you masturbate? Maybe you always think about what it would be like to be caught.
- Think back to really good sex scenes you read in books, or saw in movies or TV shows. What did you like about those scenarios? Maybe you saw a really hot strip club scene in a movie.
- Consider some of the most popular fantasies. Six of the most common sexual fantasies my clients have talked about include being raped or forced into sex, role-playing teacher and student, having sex with a stranger, having a threesome, watching someone else having sex, and being watched. Try ranking those in order of least to most appealing.
- Try writing your own erotica, or even just daydreaming about sex. If you give yourself lots of space to be creative, what themes emerge for you?
4. Take the pressure off yourself.
Hopefully I’ve helped convince you that “fantasy” can be a broader category than you may have originally been thinking. That being said, not everyone has fantasies! Plenty of people are happily satisfied having sex without a fantasy element. Or you may have fantasies that are simple and straightforward, and not very intense (for example, you might occasionally daydream about having sex in Reverse Cowgirl, but not feel that passionately about it). There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you if you don’t find yourself fantasizing about sex on a regular basis.
The world of fantasy is rich with possibility. Keep an open mind, and give yourself the freedom to open up to your desires. Have fun!
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What Men Fantasize About
Ian Gavan/Getty Images The typical male thinks about sex almost twice as much as the average woman. Now, we have a better idea of what they are thinking about, thanks to a recently published study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine.
A team of researchers at the University of Quebec at Trois-Rivieres asked a pool of 1,516 men and women, living in the province of Quebec, what they fantasized about sexually. The participants were anywhere from 18 to 77 years old, and the average age was 30 years.
Though the answers are not from a culturally diverse group, they still offer an interesting sample. Of the 717 men studied, 1.5% identified as being homosexual, 9.8% were bisexual, and the rest were heterosexual. (We describe the full study here.)
One of the surprising finds, according to the researchers, was the large percentage of participants who reported homosexual acts in their fantasies. Despite the less than 12% of males who reported being homosexual or bisexual:
- 26.8% of all male participants fantasized about giving oral sex to a man
- 20.6% of all male participants fantasized about having sex with another man
A larger percentage of women also reported homosexual fantasies.
The researchers conducted a two-part study. First, participants read and rated 55 statements describing different sexual fantasies. They rating scale was based on how intense the fantasy was for them on scale of one to seven, seven being the most intense, three being the least intense, and one or two meaning the person did not fantasize about that act.
Here are the 10 statements the highest percentage of men in the study said they fantasized about (a rating of three or higher):
Business Insider The second half of the study asked participants to describe their favorite sexual fantasy if it was not one of the 55 statements they rated. Overall, men described more varied fantasies than women. And the researchers reported that the men’s fantasies were more detailed and specific than those of the female respondents.
The research team organized the participants written descriptions into different themes. Here are some of the themes from the male respondents and the percentage who reported these themes:
- Fantasies that involve watching people undressing or having sex (15%)
- Fantasies about different fetishes that involve feet, clothing or fabrics, and nonsexual objects (14%)
- Fantasies that involve sex with an authority figure or celebrity (4.2%)
- Fantasies that involve zero gravity (1.4%)
- Fantasies specifically about infidelity (0.9%)
Below is the complete survey of questions with the percentage of men who reported fantasizing about each act. The grey boxes are the “common” fantasies that more than 50% of people said they had.
Joyal et al.
How men’s and women’s sexual fantasies differ
There is an often repeated notion that men and women are so dramatically different in their psychology that we might as well think of them as coming from different planets. When it comes to sex, it is said, men and women have completely different physical and emotional needs. There’s just one problem: this idea is based on stereotypes, not science.
Men and women are not polar opposites when it comes to their sexual psychology. Most of the things that men fantasise about, women fantasise about as well— and vice versa. For example, gender stereotypes suggest that threesomes and group sex are typical fantasy themes for men but not women. These stereotypes also suggest that romance is a typical female but not male fantasy. However, the truth of the matter— and what my survey results reveal— is that most men and women have had both types of fantasies before. This tells us that there’s actually a lot of commonality in what people desire when it comes to sex, regardless of their gender identity.
However, it’s not fair to say that we’re exactly the same, either. It’s definitely not the case that men and women are identical with respect to what they fantasise about the most or how often they do it. For instance, although most men and women have had group-sex fantasies, men are more likely to have them, and they have them more often. Likewise, although most men and women have had passion and romance fantasies, these fantasies are more common among women, and women have them with greater frequency. These differences are nowhere near the stereotyped proportions, but they still tell us something important about our sexual psychology. Therefore, we would be wise to take a close look at them.
- No, not all women are bisexual— but women do have a more flexible sexuality
- Women care less about who their partners are but more about where they have sex
- Women have more BDSM fantasies than men
- Women have more emotion-based fantasies than men
- Men have more group-sex fantasies than women
- Men have more taboo fantasies than women
- Men have more gender-bending fantasies than women
The conclusion I do not want you to take is that, when it comes to sexual desire, men are from Mars and women are from Venus. But there are a lot of ways that men’s and women’s sexual fantasies differ and a lot of those differences may stem from fundamental underlying differences between female and male sexualities— most notably, the idea that women’s sexuality is more flexible than men’s. Attending to these differences is important because it can help us to better understand, for example, why men and women don’t always agree on what they want when it comes to sex and why they may find different kinds of pornography to be sexually arousing. That said, the fantasy worlds that populate our minds are much more alike than they are different. Most men and women are fantasising about the same things; the main difference is really in the frequency with which they have a given type of fantasy.
The above is an extract from Tell Me What you Want by Dr. Justin Lehmiller.
The seven most common sexual fantasies, revealed
We might live in a society that is more open and positive about sex than ever before, but one expert says we’ve still got a long way to go.
Whilst researching for his new book, Tell Me What You Want, social psychologist Dr Justin Lehmiller interviewed 4,175 Americans about their sex lives in what is possibly the largest and most comprehensive survey of sexual fantasies in the US to date.
In the interviews, he asked people about their sex lives, and how often they fantasised about specific people, places and things in a bid to break down the stigma surrounding sexuality.
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As well as making sex easier for people to discuss, his book also reveals some of people’s most common sexual fantasies.
“My overriding hope for the book is that it will help people to better understand their own fantasies and to feel less shame, embarrassment, and anxiety about them,” Dr Lehmiller tells The Independent.
“In doing so, I hope this makes it easier for people to talk about their desires with their partners and maybe even act on some of their fantasies, too—the ones that are safe, legal, and consensual, of course.”
Among the more peculiar findings were accounts of sexual attraction to bellybuttons, armpits and even cars but Dr Lehmiller also uncovered many erotic desires that seemingly unite us.
So, what are the seven most common sexual fantasies?
1) Having a threesome
Topping the list, 89 per cent of those surveyed said they fantasised about having a threesome with other people, with those in relationships saying the threesome would ideally involve their spouse.
Lehmiller also found that straight males were more likely to fantasise about having a threesome with two women, while heterosexual women didn’t show a preference for gender.
According to Lehmiller’s findings, 65 per cent of participants fantasised about receiving pain, whether in the form of spanking, biting or dripping hot wax.
The majority fantasised about at least one BDSM act while women were found to have “slightly more frequent” desires of giving up control to a partner.
3) Shaking things up
Whether it’s changing positions, locations or partners, Lehmiller found that a large number of people fantasised about mixing up their usual sex routine.
For example, if they usually had sex in bed, they would fantasise about a public setting or if they were in a relationship, they would fantasise about having sex with someone else.
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4) Public sex
Location was one of the biggest fantasies for women with the majority revealing that they often fantasised about having sex in a public place where you run the risk of getting caught.
Some of the top locations mentioned included the office, the park, and in a lift.
5) Open relationships
A large number of participants revealed that they would like to have sex with other people if it was approved by their partner.
79 per cent of men and 62 per cent of women had fantasised about being in an open relationship, while 58 per cent admitted they thought about watching their partner have sex with other people.
6) Meaningful sex
The majority of both men and women revealed that they crave “meaningful” sex that makes them feel desired, appreciated and loved.
They also said that feeling as though they were good in bed and irresistible was a turn-on.
7) Same-sex encounters
While many of the participants identified as heterosexual, a large number said they had fantasies about the same sex.
59 per cent of straight women said they had fantasies about sex with other women, while 26 per cent of straight men said they had fantasies about sex with other men.
Around one in four men also craved sex with a cross-dresser, while one in three men said they had fantasised about sex with a transsexual.