Signs he will cheat

“It might sound ordinary for a woman to find out her husband’s cheating on her, but not if you’re the woman and it’s your husband.” – Melissa Bank, bestselling author of The Girls’ Guide to Hunting and Fishing

“Most women cheat because they feel emotionally deprived, and men are unfaithful because they feel sexually deprived,” says Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., psychotherapist and author of Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting About the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage.

Regardless of motive, it turns out that men and women cheat at about the same rate: 19 and 23 percent, respectively, according to a University of Indiana Study. The study reiterates Dr. Tessina’s assertions:

“The propensity for sexual excitation, or the ease with which one becomes sexually aroused by all kinds of triggers and situations played a bigger role for the men compared to the women, for whom lower relationship happiness and poor compatibility with their spouse or partner in terms of sexual attitudes were more important to the prediction of infidelity.”

Predictably, research also demonstrates those who cheat to be untrustworthy in other areas of their lives, particularly with their significant other. This sense of mistrust only exacerbates upon the surfacing of infidelity. “In the wake of an affair, more and more lies come out, and that makes trust very difficult,” says Ian Kerner, Ph.D., a psychotherapist specializing in sex and couples therapy, “It then becomes easy to feel dubious toward your partner in other aspects of like, such as finances or parenting.”

Also predictably, most marriages end upon discovering an affair – with a divorce rate of about 70 percent. Statistics don’t tell the whole story, obviously. Sadly, an immense amount of emotional harm is inflicted upon discovering infidelity; to one who’s been cheated on, their children, if any – and, in many cases, emotional harm follows the cheater.

While the article focuses on signs that a man will not cheat, much of this information can invariably apply to women; as research has time and time reaffirmed the similarities between sexes (aside from the root cause) of cheating.


Here are five signs that he will never cheat:

If your man tends to keep his word in pretty much every other aspect of your lives together, he can be considered a trustworthy mate. In the event that he does, even in the most minute way, be dishonest, he’ll own up to it and face the consequences like a man. A man with an ingrained sense of integrity is far less likely to sneak off with some other woman.

2. He keeps you informed about everything

If you’re with the type of guy who takes pleasure in keeping you up to date about what’s going on outside of the relationship, there’s little to no chance that he’s seeing someone else. The man you’re with is the type that not only respects the fact you should be included in the “finer details” of his life, but takes pride in such.

3. He is a “busy body”

When your man is forced to juggle work, family (especially with kids), and other known responsibilities (e.g. school, softball, etc.), the chances of him even having the time to see someone else is an improbability. The only plausible explanation is him not finding it necessary to sleep – as pretty much every other waking moment is spent dealing with what’s on his plate.

4. They’ve cut all known ties to former flames

According to eHarmony, 21 percent of men and 32 percent of women who cheat acted on a “sexual temptation…with a former boyfriend/girlfriend.” Given the proliferation of social media, it is much easier than ever to connect with past lovers; however, if your man keeps his “female business” efforts directed towards you – and you only – there’s probably no relationship hazard worth investigating.

Related article: 10 Signs of a Cheater to Never Ignore

5. He’s selfless

Here’s the thing: a good-hearted, honest, genuine man cares more deeply about those he loves (even likes) than about himself. Should the man you’re with stop, pull out his wallet, and give a few bucks to someone down on their luck, they almost assuredly don’t have the heart to wound someone so deeply – as cheating inherently requires.

What’s the most common storyline in a romantic comedy or juicy teen drama? You would probably think cheating since that’s something that seems to happen all the time. Whether the main character literally walks in on their partner in bed with someone else or three characters get involved in a crazy love triangle, it seems like no fictional person is ever loyal to the person that they claim to love.

When you get into a new relationship, you can’t ever imagine things going south. You’re in the honeymoon period, everything is new and thrilling, and you really care about each other. Once you’ve been with someone for several months and then years, it’s definitely possible that life will get in the way and start to ruin the love that you two share. Maybe you have suspicions that your boyfriend isn’t being faithful to you, or maybe you know deep down in your soul that there’s just no way that he would ever have eyes for someone else. No matter what’s going on in your love life, you’ve totally come to the right place. Read on to find out 10 early warning signs he’s going to cheat in the relationship and 10 reassuring signs that he won’t!


20 Warning Signs: He’s Super Close To His Ex-Girlfriend

It’s pretty common to talk about your past relationships after the first few months of dating… and it’s always awkward AF. There’s really no getting around that, though, since you’re curious about who your boyfriend has dated before (and he feels the same way about your list of exes).

Hopefully your boyfriend’s last relationship is truly and really over and he knows that being with you is so much better. If he’s still super close to his ex-girlfriend, though, that’s definitely an early warning sign that he just might cheat. That’s a sign that she’s not actually ancient history and that he’s still thinking about her. After all, why would he want to keep her in his life if he wasn’t thinking about going back to her?

19 Reassuring Signs He Won’t: He’s Willing To Talk Through Anything And Everything

It’s a total myth that guys don’t want to talk about things. Maybe they don’t want to admit it to their best friends, but they have feelings, too. The right guy will want to have serious conversations with you whenever issues come up, and he’d rather find out how you feel so he can make things better and so you two can keep your relationship strong.

If your boyfriend is always willing to chat about problems, no matter how big or small, then you should consider yourself lucky once again. It’s a really good sign that he’s really committed to you and that he’s not going to cheat on you. He respects you and cares about you and wants to do everything that he can to make sure that your relationship works out.


18 Warning Signs: He Still Sees His Ex’s Family

This is even worse than the previous point when you think about it. If your boyfriend still talks to his ex, you can tell yourself that it’s okay because they stayed friends (whether or not that’s actually true). If your boyfriend still hangs out with her parents and siblings and maybe even other relatives, well, that’s not a great sign.

That’s basically a huge red flag because it means that he still wants to be part of her world. And he just can’t let go of the people in her life, either. This would absolutely make you feel super weird… and no one would blame you for that. It definitely sounds like he wants to get back together with her and just might cheat on you with her if this is happening.

17 Reassuring Signs He Won’t: He Will Make An Effort To See You Every Day/Night

You can be reassured that your boyfriend is truly in love with you when he wants to see you all the time… as in every single day and night. He comes over weeknights after work. You spend weekends at his place and go for brunch and make dinner and watch movies and drink wine. It’s basically the best thing ever and it’s why being in a relationship is so comfortable and special.

He’s making the effort to see you on a regular basis because he can’t imagine not being with you all the time, which is really sweet and really awesome. A guy who is doing this would never cheat on you. Why would he?! He’s got everything that he wants and needs and that’s you.


16 Warning Signs: He Talks About Past Relationships All The Time

It’s never a good thing when a guy seems like he just can’t let go of the past. If your boyfriend never stops talking about the girls that he dated before you, it’s for sure a sign that he’s not as committed to you as you think that he is.

Maybe he mentions that his ex-loved Gilmore Girls when you’re watching it one evening, and that seems like a throwaway comment so you figure that it’s no big deal. But if that happens all the time, it might be more disturbing and worrying than you think because it means that she’s on his mind. There’s really no reason for him to go down memory lane like that unless he’s thinking about other girls and wondering if he should try to make something happen again.

15 Reassuring Signs He Won’t: He Invites You Around His Friends And Family

If a guy wants you to be part of his life and really wants to commit to you, he’s going to make sure that everyone in his life knows about it. He’ll always invite you to his family gatherings, from his mom’s birthday weekend to his sister’s Christmas Eve party. And he’ll invite you out with his friends, too.

He always wants you to be around because he loves you so much and you’re so important to him. If you weren’t, he would never do this. A guy who commits to you this much and makes you such a big part of his life isn’t going to be unfaithful. It just wouldn’t be possible.


14 Reassuring Signs He Won’t: He Trusts You With His Most Kept Secrets

A relationship is nothing without communication but trust is also important. Without trust, the two of you are just going to be paranoid all the time and you won’t have the solid bond that you need. If your boyfriend trusts you, then he’s going to tell you things that he’s never shared with anyone else, and you’ll be the person that he turns to no matter what’s going on in his life.

If he feels that way about you, then you can be reassured that he’s definitely not going to cheat. You mean everything to him and you’re his best friend. He knows that what the two of you share is something super special and that he’s not going to find that with anyone else. And you won’t either, of course, which is what makes your relationship so amazing.

13 Warning Signs: He Never Tells You Who’s Texting Him

It’s totally inevitable that when you’re hanging out with your boyfriend, one of you is going to get texts every once in a while. It could be your mom making plans for this weekend or your BFF wanting to chat about the latest episode of the Netflix show that you’re both loving. If your BF asks who texted you, of course you’re going to tell him, right? It would be really weird if you didn’t because you have absolutely nothing to hide.

If your boyfriend never tells you who’s sending him text messages, that’s proof that he could be thinking about cheating. Maybe he changes the subject or just starts acting really off and strange. He could be texting another girl… or he could just be hiding things from you. Either one isn’t great.


12 Reassuring Signs He Won’t: You Know About His Past But He Says He’s Glad It’s Over

It’s only natural that you know about the girls that he’s dated before. He’s told you about his past relationships and why they didn’t work out. He’s happier with you, though, and he’s told you that more times than you could possibly count.

As long as your boyfriend says that he’s really glad that his past relationships are over and that he knows that things are better with you, there’s nothing for you to worry or even think about. Yeah, it sucks to think about him being with someone else, but that’s just the way that these things go. You’ve dated people before him, too, so he totally feels the same way. It’s only a problem when he seems hung up on his ex and like he can’t move on.

11 Warning Signs He Works Late Without Telling You Beforehand

It’s totally normal for someone to work late every once in a while. It’s not normal for your boyfriend to know that he’s going to stay late at work this week… and not even tell you.

Whether you two live together or just spend nights at each other’s apartments, it’s only polite for you to tell each other what time you’ll be home. If you’re sitting there and you just made dinner and it’s getting cold and you don’t know where he is, that’s not something that should be happening. This proves that he doesn’t respect you or the relationship and that he wants to live his own life that’s separate from you. He doesn’t feel like he needs to check in with you and he also doesn’t want to.


10 Reassuring Signs He Won’t: He Says He Appreciates What You Do For Him

Even if you and your guy don’t live together yet, you still probably do a lot of things for him, like laundry or cooking dinner or picking up some groceries because you had a bit of free time. If he’s a total jerk, he’ll never say thank you (and you shouldn’t even be dating him in the first place, of course).

If he’s the one for you, he’ll appreciate everything that you do for him… and he’ll definitely tell you. He’s not going to stay silent because he knows that these are no small things and that you don’t have to help him out with anything. When a guy really appreciates you, you can be reassured about him and about the relationship. This is exactly what you want to be happening.

9 Warning Signs: He Refuses To Talk About The Future. He Only Focuses On Right Now

Sure, you don’t want to talk about getting married when you’ve just started dating someone, but it’s only natural to want to get an idea of what your shared future looks like once you get into a more serious relationship. No one would ever blame you for that. Your boyfriend should feel the same way since this is something that you two absolutely need to be on the same page about.

If your boyfriend refuses to talk about the future and only thinks about the here and now, it’s possible that he’s not thinking about you long-term. And that just might mean that he’s not going to be loyal and faithful to you. He doesn’t consider you a big part of his life, which totally sucks if you’re all about him.


8 Reassuring Signs He Won’t: You’ve Got A Future Plan

Some people are planners and love to be organized, and others are of course more free-spirited and go with the flow. Neither one is good or bad, it just depends what your personality type is. The same thing goes for couples: some love to plan the future and others don’t want to talk about that stuff.

In this case, though, a couple that refuses to talk about the future and makes real, concrete plans is probably not all that committed to each other. You absolutely deserve to be with someone who wants to talk about being with you forever. If you and your guy have a future plan, that’s a good sign and he’s honestly not going anywhere. You can be sure about that, and you don’t have to worry about him cheating.

7 Warning Signs: He Whines About Married Couples

It’s a total cliche that guys hate the idea of getting married and never want someone to be their wife. Unfortunately, the stereotype of guys thinking that they’re going to be “whipped” is still alive and well. If your boyfriend complains about married couples that he knows and acts like his friends who have gotten married are having a terrible time now, that’s something that you should watch out for.

You might think that it’s no big deal if you’re not looking to get married right now, but it proves that he’s not big on commitment. It also proves that he doesn’t believe that two people can love each other and be together for a long time. With a bad attitude like that, why wouldn’t he cheat?!


6 Reassuring Signs He Won’t: You Talk About Milestones Before They Happen

It’s pretty rare that you and your boyfriend can just randomly go, “Let’s move in together” and, bam, it happens the next day. There are a lot of things to consider and talk about, like when both of your leases in your current places are up and what neighborhood you want to live in and what type of place you’re looking for.

If you and your boyfriend talk about milestones before they happen, that’s a good sign that he’s going to be loyal and faithful to you. You’ve discussed moving in together months before it’ll actually happen. And maybe you’ve said that you want to get married in the future even though you’re not close to getting engaged yet. That proves that you care about each other and are both in this thing for the long haul.

5 Warning Signs: He Complains That You Don’t Give Him Enough Space

Couples who are truly in love and who have a good thing going aren’t going to talk about needing space. It just would never happen because they really enjoy hanging out together and would never dream of being apart. They know that would be dull and kind of miserable. Plus, they know that they’re in a relationship which means that they should see each other a lot. Otherwise, they should just stay single.

If your boyfriend says that he needs alone time (and he needs it all the time) and complains that you don’t give him enough space, it’s very possible that he’s thinking about cheating. It shows that he’s feeling trapped in the relationship and it also shows that he’s not very happy with you. It sucks to realize this but it’s better to know sooner rather than later, right?!


4 Reassuring Signs He Won’t: He Tells You How Much He Loves You All The Time

Of course just because a guy says that he loves you doesn’t mean that he actually does. You’ve probably been snowed before just like everyone has. But chances are, if you’re in a relationship with a guy who is always sharing how he feels, he’s genuine about the whole thing.

Consider yourself super lucky if your boyfriend is sweet and romantic enough to tell you that he loves you all the time. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been together, he wants to tell you this stuff. He texts you throughout the day with adorable messages and heart emojis, he compliments you, and you just know that he really has strong feelings for you. This should definitely reassure you that he’s got eyes for you and you only and would never even think about cheating on you.

3 Warning Signs: He Becomes Super Irritable When You Spend More Than Three Days Together In A Row

There are couples who want to spend every day together and then there are those that want to do more things apart than together. Most people would probably want the former since that means that you and your partner are best friends and really get along well. Guys who talk about needing space all the time probably aren’t guys who want to hang out all the time, so it’s no wonder that your boyfriend is also complaining that you two are spending too much time together.

The fact that he doesn’t want to see you all the time should be a pretty massive red flag. It proves that he doesn’t consider you a huge part of his life because he thinks that he should be living a separate one.


2 Reassuring Signs He Won’t: He Has Said He Hates Cheating/It Would Be Unforgivable

You and your guy have probably had a conversation about relationship dealbreakers. If he says that his is cheating and that he would never stay with someone who did that, then you can be sure that he would never do that to you. The same thing is true if he says that he’s really against cheating and if he gets upset when he even sees a character sleeping with someone else in a movie or on a TV show.

This is the best case scenario, of course, and proves that the two of you have something real. You have a solid, legit bond and you really care about each other. You both hate the idea of cheating in general and you especially hate the idea of cheating on each other since that just breaks your heart. So you definitely don’t have to worry. You’ve got a really good one.

1 Warning Signs: He Postpones Big Decisions And Doesn’t Make An Effort To Remember The Little Things

One of the best things about being in a relationship is having your partner do sweet little things for you all the time. This is different for everyone, of course. Maybe your boyfriend knows that you love a certain dish from a take-out place in your neighborhood so he surprises you with it every once in a while. Or maybe he just loves doing the little things that couples do for each other once they’re serious, like remembering to pick up paper towels or avocados because you just ran out.

When your boyfriend doesn’t do these things anymore (or maybe he never did them), it’s not a good sign. When he won’t make big decisions about your relationship, either, like deciding where to go on your vacation this summer or when you should move in together, it just might mean that he’s not as into the relationship as you are.

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Will your partner cheat? Look out for these signs

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, but will they cheat on you? Is your “committed” partner predisposed to searching for affection or adventure with someone else? Researchers believe that they’ve found a way to tell.

Share on PinterestAre you afraid that your partner might end up cheating on you?

We are living in an age of sexual liberation and shifting values when it comes to long-term relationships and romantic commitment.

We are now, more than ever before, starting to speak out in favor of polyamory, the practice of being in a consensual relationship with several partners at once.

Some people will even argue that monogamy is an artificial concept, owed to our species’ “strategic behavior” at a time when we needed to ensure economic stability for both ourselves and our children.

However, the current trend of seeking different partners to suit our different needs, just as we have different friends for different social contexts, is not everyone’s cup of tea. Most of us not committed to singlehood are still in monogamous relationships and expect to be our partner’s only focus.

But long-term monogamous relationships have many perils, including habit, boredom, decreased libido, and the worries of a shared everyday life.

And after all, if you’re wondering how you’re going to pay this month’s bills, whose turn it is to do the dishes, and whether or not to have pasta for dinner, little space remains for that sense of giddiness and adventure that marks the early “honeymoon phase.”

Eventually, we may begin to worry that daily wear and tear is taking its toll on our romantic bond and that one of us might stray toward a different lover. However, some of us appear to be more likely than others to go and seek affection elsewhere.

Are they able to look away?

Jim McNulty, Andrea Meltzer, Anastasia Makhanova, and Jon Maner — all of whom are from Florida State University in Tallahassee — say that they may have found a way to tell who is most prone to having a wandering eye and an unsteady heart.

Their findings, now published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, suggest that it may all be down to how much beauty the eye of the beholder is willing to take in.

The researchers worked with 233 newlywed couples, whom they followed for a period of up to 3.5 years. During this time, the couples provided information about the evolution of their relationship.

The partners all reported their sense of marital satisfaction and long-term commitment, and they were required to tell the researchers if they had strayed away from the marital bed and whether they remained in the marriage by the end of the study.

The team focused on two psychological predictors of infidelity, which the scientists termed “attentional disengagement” and “evaluative devaluation” of potential partners.

In other words, they aimed to see whether or not the subjects would be able to ignore an attractive stranger’s physical charms, and whether they would be disposed toward downplaying a potential romantic partner’s physical attractiveness.

In order to test for these two predictors, McNulty and team showed the participants photos of very attractive individuals of the opposite sex, alongside pictures of people with average looks, and studied their instinctive responses.

‘Spontaneous and effortless’ tendencies

Perhaps intuitively, the researchers concluded that those participants who were able to turn their attention away almost immediately from the photo of an attractive person were 50 percent less likely to cheat on their partner than those who took longer to enjoy the sight.

Similarly, those participants who readily evaluated the physical charms of attractive individuals as low had a higher likelihood of staying in their marriage — and their marital bed.

“People are not necessarily aware of what they’re doing or why they’re doing it,” says McNulty, speaking of the two predictors.

“These processes are largely spontaneous and effortless, and they may be somewhat shaped by biology and/or early childhood experiences.”

Jim McNulty

Some other predictors of infidelity that the researchers identified included age, marital satisfaction, sexual satisfaction, individual attractiveness, and a person’s relationship history.

Therefore, younger individuals were more likely to betray a romantic partner’s trust, and so were individuals who found little overall sense of satisfaction in their relationship.

Most surprisingly, however, McNulty and colleagues also found that people with a high degree of sexual satisfaction in their monogamous relationship were actually more likely to cheat on their partners.

Although they’re not quite sure why that may be, the researchers conjecture that sexually satisfied individuals may also be more open to sexual experiences, in general, and they may therefore be likely to actively seek sexual gratification outside of the marriage, as well.

Serial monogamists vs. thrill seekers

McNulty and team also observed an inverse correlation between a woman’s physical attractiveness and her likelihood of cheating on a romantic partner. Thus, women that the researchers deemed “less attractive” were actually more likely to opt for a little illicit fun.

At the same time, men were more likely to cheat if they thought that their partner did not rate very high on the physical attractiveness scale.

As for sex and relationship histories, men who said that they had engaged in a lot of short-term relationships before getting married were top candidates for infidelity later on.

But in the case of women, it was just the opposite: serial monogamists were more predisposed to seeking extramarital action.

The researchers argue that their findings could help couples and couple therapists to prevent the breakdown of relationships by taking these predictors into account.

However, certain relationship therapists — such as the almost infamous Esther Perel — argue that infidelity may provide a necessary “reboot” for couples in crisis.

The bottom line is that it’s all up to us: will we take the risk of being hurt, or go and seek a long-term partner checklist in hand, scanning for tell-tale signs of future adultery?

There are some questions about men that only a guy can answer. We asked the dudes at (read more about them here), for their take on this dating conundrum:

Q: Why do guys joke about infidelity?

Ahem, boys: Grow up! We’re in the middle of a post here.

Why do guys joke about anything inappropriate? Because they’re insensitive and/or enjoy pushing the boundaries. As a comedy writer, I can’t tell anyone what they can or can’t joke about. But while I don’t believe in censoring humor, I’m not okay with jokes that exist for the sole purpose of hurting someone. And if your guy is constantly cracking jokes about cheating on you, you have more than enough reason to dump his unfunny ass. Cause that sort of thing is worse than Carlos Mencia.

While the best jokes contain a kernel of truth, the fact that he’s cracking wise about infidelity doesn’t mean he’s actually cheating. That said, if he jokes about cheating on you in your presence, he’s a duchebag. If he cracks jokes about cheating on you to his friends, he’s a duchebag. If he jokes about his friend or, say, Tiger Woods cheating, whatever. When it gets personal, whether he’s serious or not, that’s when he’s gone too far. I don’t think any guy would be stupid enough to joke about cheating in front of his wife or girlfriend and also mess around on her behind her back. However, constantly joking about cheating, even if he thinks it’s harmless, is disrespectful to you and could be his way of voicing his unhappiness in the relationship.

If you’re uncomfortable with your guy’s jokes, let him know. Don’t let him hide behind, “It’s just a joke.” Hopefully he’ll realize that what he’s saying is hurtful and tone it down. But if you’re around a group of guys and they’re making jokes about cheating on their wives and girlfriends, well, maybe you need a new group of friends. If you don’t like their jokes, fire some back. As long as the jokes aren’t directed at you or someone you know, don’t let it bother you. Chalk it up to the fact that some guys have terrible senses of humor. If there weren’t guys with bad comedic taste, where would your Jay Lenos and Dane Cooks be?

–Written by Nick Nadel for guyspeak.comDoes your boyfriend joke about cheating? Does it make you uncomfortable, or do you know he’s kidding? How do you respond to him?

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Think your mate might be having an affair? Find out if he is displaying any of the warning signals described by Raymond B. Green, a private investigator and former police officer, and Marcella Bakur, a psychology professor at Marymount Manhattan College.

Here are the 32 emotional signs that your partner may be having an affair:

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1. More attentive to your needs than usual.

This is due to the guilt feelings experienced by the cheater in the early stages of the affair. The attention will diminish as the affair continues.

2. Buys you gifts — lots of gifts.

These are “guilt gifts” purchased because your partner feels guilty about betraying you and showering you with presents makes him or her feel better.

3. Behavior that leaves you with the gut feeling that something isn’t right.

If this happens, pay attention to your instincts. Ignoring them means you want to blind yourself to the truth. You know your mate’s habits, routines and attitudes better than anybody, so be suspicious when these things change.

4. Frequently picks fights with you.

Doing this provides a reason to get mad and storm out of the house and thus the opportunity to meet a lover. A cheater may also do this because of mixed emotions he is feeling about betraying you.

5. Constantly talks about your relationship ending when you fight or argue.

In general, your partner seems very negative about your relationship and says things like, “What would you do if our relationship ended?” or “If anything ever happened to us, I would always love you like a friend.” These statements may be a sign he or she has a lover to fall back on if your relationship ends. If your partner repeats these kinds of statements often, be suspicious.

6. Becomes very moody.

He or she seems very upbeat and excited when leaving you, but acts somber and depressed when around you. If your mate is in a long-term affair, he or she will try to keep both relationships running smoothly. Any problems the cheater has in one relationship can spill over into the other relationship, as well. This is inevitable.

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7. Never talks to you.

You live together but don’t interact. He has become cold and inconsiderate of your feelings.

8. Sudden changes music taste.

For instance, she always listened to pop music but suddenly starts listening to country music. Your partner might be listening to and growing fond of this new type of music because her lover listens to it.

9. Lacks self-esteem.

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This doesn’t necessarily mean he will go out and have an affair, but an insecure individual often looks to others for guidance. If an insecure person’s needs aren’t being met, he might find the desired feelings of security and positive feedback in an affair with someone else.

10. Continually criticizes another person.

He or she is trying to make you think that type of individual would never be of interest, although there actually exists a secret attraction.

11. Criticizes things about you that he or she once found appealing.

12. Becomes offended at the comments, however harmless, that you make.

13. Stops paying attention to you, your children and home-life in general.

14. Begins closing doors when you are around, when before he or she would leave them open.

For instance, the bathroom-door rule: Couples in long-term relationships often leave their bathroom doors open while attending to necessities even if their partners are nearby. As affairs develop, the cheating mates will close bathroom doors, distancing themselves physically and psychologically from their partners.

15. Stops complimenting you on your looks.

16. Stops saying, “I love you.”

17. Acts guilty when you do something nice for him or her.

You are supposed to be the person who is making life miserable and the relationship untenable. By doing something nice, you force the cheater to think about what he or she is doing.

18. Turns the table and accuses you of cheating, but has no evidence.

19. Would rather spend time with friends than be with you.

20. Shows no interest in your relationship’s future.

21. Stops being affectionate.

22. More interested in reading a book or watching television than talking with you or making love to you.

23. Frequently talks about the problems a friend, neighbor, co-worker, course instructor or classmate of the opposite sex is having.

24. Begins using new catch phrases.

Your mate also starts to tell types of jokes or express opinions that are unusual for him or her.

25. Pays less and less attention to your children.

They seem to sense something is wrong and don’t seem to be as emotionally healthy or secure as they once were.

26. Has been acting emotionally distant and withdrawn.

But when you ask about it, he doesn’t want to discuss it and becomes very protective of his privacy.

27. Seems disinterested and distracted during sex.

28. Talks in her sleep and mentions a particular name on more than one occasion.

29. Seems startled or confused when awakened.

This uncertainty may be caused by not being sure which bedroom and which lover’s bed he or she is in.

30. Behavior that triggers friends to ask you what’s wrong.

Close friends and family members often will notice tension or discord between the two of you before you are fully aware of it.

31. Becomes offended easily when you make normal and natural inquiries and may demand to know why you are checking up on him or her.

32. Sleeping pattern changes considerably from the norm.

They may include unexplainable exhaustion, restlessness, frequent nightmares and sleep-talking.

The 32 emotional signs your partner is having an affair comes from 180 Telltale Signs Mates Are Cheating and How to Catch Them. This story was first published in 2011. A version originally appeared on iVillage.

Cheating and manipulation: Confessions of a gaslighter

Greg, a Canadian lawyer, is 28 but he’s already had 11 serious relationships. He says each of those relationships ended with infidelity, on his part, and severe self-doubt on the part of the women. He is a self-confessed “gaslighter”.

“Looking back it’s clear that I was gaslighting the women and slowly making them second-guess their version of reality,” he says.

He’s speaking out now to give insight into the mind of a gaslighter, and to warn women of the tell-tale signs.

Gaslighting has been described as psychological abuse where false information is deliberately presented to the victim – the purpose being to make the victim question their own memory and perception of events.

Greg learned that he was a gaslighter recently, while in therapy.

He pinpoints the start of his behaviour to a relationship when he was a 21-year-old law undergraduate.

Paula was four years older and completing a master’s degree. Greg describes the relationship as “romantic but unsteady”. He soon began sexual encounters with other women behind her back.

But Paula was an intelligent woman and soon picked up that Greg was being unfaithful to her. Greg says that in order to continue cheating, while still maintaining their relationship, he had to “alter her reality”.

He began identifying “techniques and pathways” in which he could manipulate Paula – laying the groundwork in order to make the lies that would come later more believable.

“Paula was extremely intelligent, but I was aware that I was leaving traces of infidelity in the digital world, on social media,” says Greg.

He said he made jokes over a period of time pointing to her “obsession” with social media, making her feel that she was suspicious in an unhealthy, even “crazy” way.

“I deliberately used demeaning language to make her lose confidence in her reading of the situation, of my infidelity. She was ‘paranoid’, she was ‘crazy’, she was ‘full of drama’.

“I’d say this all as jokes. But they would build over time, and she then started to believe.”

The desired effect was achieved. Paula, who had suspected his infidelity, began to wonder aloud if perhaps she had been wrong to doubt him, if her judgement had left her. While she still had her doubts, Greg says she had started to question herself and apologised for suspecting him, vowing to spend less time on social media.

“Gaslighting as a term has been overused,” says Dr George Simon, psychologist and author of international bestseller In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People.

“Gaslighting is when you know in your gut that you have a situation read right, but the other person is trying to convince you that you have read it all wrong. If this happens over a period of time one’s sense of reality slowly erodes. There is a scale to gaslighting, from lying and exaggerating to controlling and domination. Greg was on the less extreme part of the scale but definitely on it.”

Another tactic Greg used was to discredit other women. Some were women Paula had never met – the women he was cheating on her with. Others were Paula’s own friends.

“I’d construct narratives where these other women, the ones who could reveal my behaviour, were women who couldn’t be trusted, where they were liars.

“And despite Paula’s better judgement, despite saying she was a feminist, she would then trust me and take a dislike to women whose version she would now no longer believe, even if she did meet them and found out they weren’t these terrible human beings I made them out to be.

“I was isolating her from those who would tell her the truth.”

After Paula, Greg embarked on a series of other relationships. He says that the women came from a variety of backgrounds and had different personalities. The pattern continued.

“There are two traits that people – and we must say people as men are also vulnerable – who are prone to being gaslighted share,” says George Simon.

“One is conscientiousness. People who have a conscience, people who generally do the right thing and are trusting, because they are trustworthy in nature.

“The other is agreeableness. You want to treat people well and get along. You don’t want to unnecessarily rock the boat in your relationships.”

Nicole spent years living with a charming man, but she always seemed to be doing something wrong. Eventually she began to realise that it wasn’t her that was the problem, it was him – and when she met one of his previous girlfriends, Elizabeth, everything made sense.

Read more: Gaslighting: The ‘perfect’ romance that became a nightmare

For Greg, there was a third quality that the women he gaslighted all shared. They were all intelligent and successful. Intriguingly, he says this was a key factor in how receptive they were to being gaslighted.

“I’ve dated a doctor, an engineer, a well-known social media personality.

“From my experience it’s not true that it is vulnerable or insecure women who are susceptible to gaslighting. These were successful women but that came with a perception of what they thought a ‘successful’ relationship should look like and they shared that. They gave me a blueprint to what they were looking for in a man.”

The women, he says, approached relationships like they did their careers. With a checklist of qualities, often from relationships depicted in films, and high expectations.

They wanted stimulating conversation peppered with attentive charm and humour. They were also looking for men who could match them in their success – men with impressive careers who also owned property and had financial security.

This kind of checklist narrowed the field of suitable men considerably, he says, and made it easier to play to their desires.

“When you are gaslighting, you see the narrative that the other person wants the relationship to follow and you then go about setting how that fits in with what you want. As a result, you do little things over an extended period of time that increases the likelihood that the partner will accept your narrative over their own.

“In my case, I have never been aggressive, violent, issued threats, or blackmailed anyone. There has literally been nothing stopping any of these partners from telling me to get lost. But none of them ever did.

“So for a long period of time I didn’t feel like the villain.”

But now, he says, he is aware of the consequences of his actions.

“These women were intelligent and I felt that if they wanted to, they could have questioned the narrative I was spinning. But now I’m aware that is a flimsy argument where love is concerned.

“I wanted the experience of multiple partners and the ego boost that came with that, so I justified my behaviour to myself for years.

“I guess, as a lawyer, I was able to explain away discrepancies in my story to girlfriends and convince myself that I wasn’t a bad guy.”

For help, contact:

  • Freephone 24-hour UK National Domestic Violence Helpline: 0808 2000 247
  • Refuge
  • Women’s Aid

Some tactics of gaslighting, including isolating the victim from sources of support and depriving them of means needed for independence, could fall under the “Controlling or coercive behaviour in an intimate or family relationship” section of the Serious Crime Act of 2015, in England and Wales.

But controlling or coercive behaviour is not a crime in Canada, and the same is true in many parts of the world.

Recently Greg told a friend about his behaviour and his friend confessed that he too had been a gaslighter.

“My friend is a writer, so I guess he’s also good at constructing narratives.”

He says that if there is one piece of advice he would give women who are being gaslighted it’s to speak to a male friend about it.

“Women in friendships often tell each other what they want to hear. Or if women do have searingly honest friends, this friendship seems to come under strain when one woman enters an abusive relationship.

“For some reason women seem to accept honesty better from male friends than female friends.

“I was wary of the male friends of my ex-girlfriends. They could often see through my behaviour and good male friends don’t allow a friendship to break.”

Greg says there was no one thing that caused him to seek help to deal with his gaslighting – he just grew weary of his own behaviour.

He wouldn’t say he’s cured yet, but he hopes he’s on his way there.

George Simon says whether Greg can be cured or not depends on what type of gaslighter he is. There are two types, he says.

“Some individuals have learned these behaviours from early childhood experiences. Their manipulation rose out of some kind of personal pain and this is how they operate in the world. They developed a strategy to cope in life that was borne out of some trauma. There is hope for those individuals.

“Then there are the narcissists. The ones that have no belief in anything bigger than themselves. There’s less hope for them and any change usually involves a huge, life-changing, catastrophic reckoning that shakes them to their core.

“And that may never come.”

Greg and Paula’s names have been changed

Illustrations by Tom Humberstone

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Are you being cheated on?

Being in a relationship is not all fun and games and not everyone gets lucky to find true love on the first attempt. More often than not, you have to deal with heartbreaks and deception and believe it or not everybody gets to experience a difficult partner at least once in their life. Cheating has become a status symbol these days. A person is not considered cool until he or she is dating at least 3 different partners at the same time. Here are a few signs that will help you figure out if your partner wants to cheat on you:

1. The disappearance:

They disappear often without letting you know about it. One day, you are all happy and comfortable with each other and the next morning they are gone. It is not like they cannot have their freedom or hang out with other people, but you will know your partner vanishes in thin air without even having an obvious reason. They would be unreachable for hours or even days and when they come back and you confront them, he/she will make the lamest excuse that you will not even understand. The worst part is that they will act as nothing happened and would be least concerned about your apprehension.

2. Checking the phone too often:

You will find them checking their phone way too much than before. They will even avoid picking up calls in front of you and will change the passwords too often. He or she will get defensive if you will take their phone from them and the typical parade of you don’t trust me enough to leave my phone alone will prevail. This is a classic sign of a person who either wants to cheat or is already cheating on their partner with someone else. You know about their social circle and you have never seen them texting so much before so it is worth noticing.

3. They come home angry and irritated

He or she steps into the house and everything seems irritating to them. Even the sight of you waiting for them does not invigorate any feelings of affection towards you. It seems like they just want to go back to where they came from or run away from this home and you because they hate it all. Just coming home angry, if not work-related, is not OK. It could also indicate that they are doing something they shouldn’t and to provide a distraction, he or she lashes out in anger so as to throw you off track.

4. Spending too much time in the bathroom:

No no, it’s not what you think. They spend too much in the bathroom because they want to be alone and they can’t go out every 10 minutes to be away from you. Spending too much time brushing the teeth or taking really long baths to indicate that they want to stay away from you for as long as possible without making it seem too obvious. If they are already cheating on you then he or she will take long frequent showers to remove any unrecognizable scent. This is also a way of feeling less guilty about their actions as water is a cleansing agent and it might wash away their sins.

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  • We earn a commission for products purchased through some links in this article.

  • The month of January is historically the worst time for individuals to cheat on their partners – with double the number of people in a relationship (120,000) starting extra-marital affairs, compared to the month of August.

    Around 50,000 individuals with partners in the UK will start an affair in the first week of January, coinciding with the first week back at work after the festive period, a study has revealed.

    The research was put together by – a dating website for married people – found a staggering 37 percent increase in the number of new registrations in January. As well as a 22 per cent increase in February.

    The same company has also recently conducted a survey to find most common alibis used by cheating partners – with “going to the gym” and “working late” topping the list for both men and women.

    Cheating is something that has affected many of us – whether it’s advising a friend or relative who has concerns about their relationship, or letting a glimmer of doubt cross your own mind when it comes to your relationship.

    In fact, it’s estimated that about half of us have already cheated or will cheat on our partner – around 60% of men and 40% of women will have an affair.

    Lots of couples have rough patches and our interests in each other come and go, depending on how secure you feel as a couple. But if you do suspect that your partner could be having an affair, how can you tell? What are the signs he’s cheating?

    We’ve come up with a list of the 12 most common signs and explained what the innocent explanation could be and the reasons why it could be a sign of cheating.

    Signs he could be cheating

    1. Your intuition

    His behaviour: Suspecting that something’s up is often the first sign for many women. Admittedly intuition isn’t proof that your fella is actually doing anything wrong, but you know that something doesn’t feel quite right. Often in these cases, you’ve spotted some of the other signs subconsciously.

    The innocent explanation: Quite simply, your intuition could be wrong. Do you talk to each other enough? Perhaps he’s going through a stressful time.

    The guilty reason: Hunches have been proved to be correct more often than not. If instinct is telling you that he could be playing away, then keep your eyes and ears open for some of the other signs.

    2. Technology changes

    His behaviour: Now that technology makes it easier to contact people, this not only means that it’s easier to have an affair, but there are also more places to be caught out. You may discover that your man has an email account you never knew about, or perhaps he has two phones and you only know one number. Another common sign is when he starts taking calls and walking out of the room, often telling you it’s work, and then gets defensive when you get near his phone.

    The innocent explanation: His boss has asked him to be on call when he’s at home, given him a work phone and your partner doesn’t want to interrupt whatever you’re doing.

    The guilty reason: His mistress is sending him texts or emails while you’re at home and he’s trying to cover them up. If you’re tempted to snoop at his phone then tread carefully – are you sure your suspicions are worth betraying his trust?

    3. Your friends notice something’s up

    His behaviour: This isn’t anything he’s done, but often friends and family will notice that things aren’t quite right between the two of you and start asking questions.

    The innocent explanation: You’re going through a tough time or you just tend to be a little more on edge when you’re in other people’s company.

    The guilty reason: If more than one best mate starts asking if everything’s all right between you, maybe it’s time to stop and think – especially if you hadn’t noticed anything was wrong!

    Your friends can be a good indicator when it comes to spotting something’s wrong

    4. Things don’t add up

    His behaviour: Has he started changing his daily routine for seemingly no reason? Maybe his actual job hasn’t changed, but he starts leaving earlier in the morning and getting back later. Or perhaps he told you he was out with Steve last week, but you later discover that Steve was away at a conference.

    The innocent explanation: Work could be getting more stressful – perhaps someone has left, leaving him with more work than normal. Alternatively, he could be arranging some sort of surprise for you and he doesn’t want you to know what he’s up to.

    The guilty reason: Once someone starts lying, it becomes more and more difficult to keep up the act, so when small unexplained things start happening or you notice inconsistent things, there could be something not-so-innocent as an explanation.

    5. You’re not invited to work dos any more

    His behaviour: Remember the days when you always used to go to his Christmas parties or summer balls? He always asked you to come for a drink with his work colleagues if you were free, but all of a sudden there’s been a ‘change of policy’, or maybe he just doesn’t even suggest it any more.

    The innocent explanation: A lot of companies are cutting back on non-essential things and if that means not inviting partners to anything any more, that’s what they’ll do. Or perhaps it’s slipped his mind to invite you without realising?

    The guilty reason: If the work invites start drying up, it could well be because he’s seeing someone at work and doesn’t want you to meet them and create an awkward situation… for him, obviously.

    If he’s not inviting you out with work, is it because it’s slipped his mind, or is there a more sinister reason?

    Cheating guilt signs

    6. He’s over-attentive

    His behaviour: He spends more time being interested in you than normal. Perhaps he buys you gifts unexpectedly or starts helping look after the children more than normal. He may even start doing more around the house, ironing, washing, or those niggly DIY jobs that have been left unfinished for months.

    The innocent explanation: Have you been going through a bad patch recently? Your fella could have decided to make more of an effort in order to get things back on track – positive thinking is important in relationships.

    The guilty reason: He’s feeling guilty and wants to make up for the fact that he’s having an affair. This sort of thing often happens in the early stages of an affair.

    Just because he’s been a little more attentive lately, could that mean he’s cheating on you?

    7. He gets irritated quickly

    His behaviour: When you ask him questions about what he’s been up to, he starts to act all defensive and jumpy.

    The innocent explanation: He could be planning a surprise holiday or romantic break and doesn’t want you to ruin the surprise.

    The guilty reason: He’s worried that you’re checking up on him and will discover his cheating ways.

    8. He accuses you of cheating

    His behaviour: This will probably come as a bit of a shock, but he’ll possibly ask outright if you’ve been seeing someone else. Men tend to be more direct than women.

    The innocent explanation: Although statistics show that men cheat more than women, that doesn’t mean he won’t have his own suspicions. If your relationship is going through a rough patch, it’s not an unreasonable explanation – especially if you’ve stopped talking as much.

    The guilty reason: It’s common for cheaters to suspect their partners of cheating simply because they believe that if they’re getting away with it, you can too. This is also how many people who cheat deal with their guilt – they try to make themselves feel better by turning the tables. Once you’ve got over your initial shock at being accused, it might be worth looking a little closely at what he’s up to!

    Physical signs he’s cheating

    9. He’s a changed man

    His behaviour: Has your partner started wanting to watch new TV programmes, listen to new music or even bought new clothes or a new aftershave?

    The innocent explanation: He could be just wanting to update his look and trying new things, or maybe he’s discovered a new website or magazine that’s giving him new recommendations.

    The guilty reason: A new woman often means he experiences new things (other than sex) that you have no hand in.

    10. He’s hotter than ever in bed

    His behaviour: Your husband suddenly starts doing something new and amazing when you’re in the throes of passion. It could be a new foreplay technique, or maybe even a new sex position you’ve never even heard of before.

    The innocent explanation: He could well be looking at new sex tips and thought he’d give them a go. Don’t knock the guy for trying!

    The guilty reason: If it happens more than once, then it could be because someone is teaching him something new in another bed!

    11. You don’t talk any more

    His behaviour: This is almost the opposite of him being over-interested in you. Maybe he’s stopped being interested in what you got up to during the day, or he no longer says ‘I love you’ or doesn’t even want to kiss or hug you any more.

    The innocent explanation: Could he be stressed or worrying about something? This can often explain mood swings or disinterest and possibly he won’t realise he’s suffering.

    The guilty reason: If he starts becoming less interested in finding out what you’ve done during the day and how you’re feeling, then it’s often an indication that he’s getting his emotional fix elsewhere. When kissing stops in a relationship, it’s often seen as a big warning sign.

    Is your other half less interested in you? Could it be a sign that he’s getting his emotional fix elsewhere?

    12. He starts taking showers

    His behaviour: Of course he already showers, but he may be diving into the shower the minute he comes home which is unusual.

    The innocent explanation: Perhaps he just feels like he wants to freshen up when he gets home from work, nothing wrong with that!

    The guilty reason: He wants to get rid of the smell of another woman’s perfume.

    And finally… remember!

    None of these signs is proof enough on its own that your man might be cheating on you, but together they’re often a pretty good indicator.

    What you do next is up to you, but at least you can talk to him knowing that you’ve weighed up the signs and options.

    Cheating couples are everywhere in today’s society. There are talk shows and reality shows that almost glorify it. And cheating is not new to society as men and women have been engaged in the act of cheating since the beginning of time. Most cheating comes from dissatisfaction of some sort, it can also come from learned behaviors or social pressures. Whatever the case may be, there are some signs cheaters reveal even before cheating. In order to avoid being the person cheated on, you’d better tune into the subtleties of life, young lady. Wake-up or get woken up. Without realizing it, he transmits signals and signs that can clue you into his thought patterns and even actions. Study him closely, learn his moods and behaviors, and be sure that you have open communication with him; because if not, things can quickly go sour at the drop of a hat. To avoid such disaster, keep your eyes open and your heart tuned into the universe’s language. Also, have a read below and see if your partner is displaying any of these about-to-cheat or already-in-the-act-of-cheating symptoms.


    15 New hobbies


    This is not to insinuate that any new hobby is an opportunity to raise suspicion. No, indeed that is not the truth. However, when there are new hobbies that tend to exclude you or keep him out of the house at all hours of the day, then there’s something to worry about. If you ask him about these new hobbies and he seems defensive or overly protective, then you doubly have something to worry about. After all, you are in a relationship with him, so why would he be trying to hide something like a new hobby. New hobbies could mean a new love interest at aforementioned hobby group or it could mean that he’s on the hunt. Regardless, if he’s hiding anything from you, that’s a bad sign to start off with; you’d better get down to business and investigate the situation further.

    14 He Showers often


    He might be into the ‘cleanliness is next to godliness’ mantra, that’s possible, but he could also be trying to find time alone. That means he’s looking to be away from you. And that could mean he’s looking to be away from you to involve himself in some acts that involve the fantasies of other women. To be honest, this is completely normal –so don’t be all bathroom b*tch crazy. But he could be trying to find a space in which to formulate his plan to spend time with a love interest he’s already got in mind. He might have already cheated and wants to remove any scents –real or imagined. But water is a cleansing agent, so it looks like he’s hoping to rid himself of some guilty scents he’s already notice lingering about.


    13 He Disappears

    This is a sign that usually points to cheating, but it can be a sign that he’s about to, like on the very edge, the verge of doing the naughty deed. It’s not just about disappearing from your life for days or weeks –which, by the way, is a sure sign that your man has wandered off the faithful path. It’s also about if he disappears from you side. Sure, he can have freedom, as much of it as he’d like. However, if you’re in the middle of a date or at home chilling and he up and disappears for a substantial amount of time and you know he’s not doing his thing in the bathroom because it’s just too silent and there’s an eerie feeling hanging around, well, this could be a sign that he’s off texting or even having a breather from you. When a guy disappears without warning and then returns as if nothing has happened, then there is reason to be suspicious.

    12 He Comes home angry


    If you live together and he comes home angry, it could be that he doesn’t want to see you or be in the relationship with you. Being angry is a sign of feeling resentment and perhaps a way to mask guilt or sadness. Just coming home angry, if not work related, is not OK. It could also indicate that he’s doing something he shouldn’t and to provide a distraction, he lashes out in anger so as to throw you off track. Don’t be so easily fooled. The man who is angry has something to hide. And if he’s not normally an angry kind of guy and this is, in fact, out of the ordinary, that’s even more reason to wonder why he’s suddenly become so hostile. When you decide to ask him why and things spiral out of control, that’s a sure sign that things are out of control between the two of you and this issue needs to be addressed sooner rather than later.


    11 He Comes home happy


    If you live together and he comes home happy, it could be that he’s overcompensating for feelings of sadness that he feels when he’s around you. Of course, happiness is not a sign of cheating, but overly happy, dramatic bouts of happiness, or happiness that is displayed in strange moments can indicate feelings of guilt or be used to cover up some disappointment. Should he be a happy guy normally, this should not raise any red flags, but if he’s suddenly the happiest guy on the planet when he comes home from work or from wherever, you might want to use your intuition and get down to the truth behind that smile. Don’t become suspicious of everything, but notice your man’s normal emotional patterns. Even positive ones can hint that there is something that’s gone or is going awry between the two of you.

    10 He Checks his phone often

    Most people are addicted anyways, so it should be no surprise that every couple of minutes, eh hem seconds, people are reaching for their cellphones. However, if he was not normally into his phone, but now is –that could indicate that he’s fishing around and seeing what will bite. While women are notorious texters, men can be, too, especially in the beginning phases of a relationship. If he’s put down that phone for extended periods of time, but now, suddenly, is glued to it like white on rice, then you have something to be curious about. It could be a new series he’s into or it could be a new hobby, but it could also be a new fling hanging out there in cyberspace. You can either talk to him about this or you can check his phone. I will not judge you either way.


    9 No more terms of endearment


    If he once called you all the cutest names in the book, yet has recently stopped without warning and there doesn’t seem to be any major issues between you, at least none that have been brought to your attention, then you better wonder what the hell is happening. When men stop being affectionate, it’s not just a sign that the relationship has hit its comfortable stage. Oh no. There are many couples who spend decades together who are equally as intimate and romantic as when they first met. So when the terms of endearment go out the window, you gotta wonder why. If you’re not fighting or if nothing else has changed the relationship, you can be sure that’s he’s losing some affection for you and could very well be giving it to another.

    8 Fights


    You’re minding your own business and out of nowhere, he’s picking a fight with you. He’s complaining about your food or your clothes or claiming that you’re showing up late or not picking up his phone calls because you’re doing something you shouldn’t. If these situations are happening, you can be sure that either you have a control freak on your hands or your man is thinking about cheating. It’s the old blame game proverb –the one who deals accusations is the one who is guilty of them. This is never truer than in situations like these. A man who blames you for being a cheater, typically out of nowhere and despite the fact that you like never leave the house, is already on the path to cheating.


    7 Silent treatment


    Should he just up and stop talking to you for no reason, there is something happening. This something could be a problem in his personal life that he’s not ready to talk about. This could be a dissatisfaction he feels about your relationship. Or this could be an indicator that he’s hoping that by being quite he won’t slip up and say the wrong thing. He doesn’t want to get caught, therefore he chooses silence. It could also be a sign of passive-aggressive behavior, especially if this is paired with nonsensical fighting or hurtful comments. And if he’s normally a talkative guy who’s gotten all quite, there’s really something to be worried about. It could be that he just needs space or time alone, but it could also mean that he’s really having a serious debate with himself about whether or not to cheat.

    6 Early bird to night owl


    If he has suddenly changed his daily routines, he might be considering cheating. Perhaps he was once an early bird and is not a night owl or vice versa. If it has nothing to do with a lifestyle change or a new work schedule, you should be raising your eyebrows with the curiosity of at least five cats. And your cat-like ways should study this bird and see what these new habits mean, if anything at all. He could be making those changes to have time to be introspective or perhaps even entertain some fantasies –all without having to see your face which could interrupt his little fantasy. Ask, in a less direct way and without being aggressive, about his new habits. It would also be worthwhile to see if you can observe what he’s doing in these hours when you’re sleeping.


    5 Talks of Involving Somebody Else


    All guys have the threesome talk. I mean, in today’s society, it’s a pretty common thing guys and girls want to check off their lists of sexual to-dos. But if you’re not into it or if you’ve already been there, done that, and didn’t like it and he knows that, yet he persists –well, girl, your man has got a one track mind. That one track mind may or may not include you. The reason he brings up the threesome with you is because he really wants to cheat in a diplomatic way and figures that doing it in front of you, with you participating, will not count as cheating. And he’s right. If you condone a threesome, you are giving him permission. Now you have to ask yourself, what happens if you say no and yet his desires cannot be controlled.

    4 Checking out chicks


    Who the hell doesn’t check out other chicks? Even chicks check out chicks. Come on, women are freaking hot, we are these outrageously beautiful creatures. It’s fun to look at other chicks with your man –compare his taste with yours, admire curves, flirt with the idea of a threesome. However, and I must stress this, if he is checking out chicks more than average, and we know because we’re women and we see everything –even the stuff they think we don’t see, and if he’s not including you in at least 75% of what he’s checking out, then he’s on that road to at least consider cheating with dat a$$. Or if you feel like you can’t even hold his attention for more than a few minutes without him scanning the room or streets for another female, you’ve got a wild animal on your hands, girl. Good luck with that.


    3 He Goes out often


    Having space in a relationship is important, actually it’s vital for some. Couples should have separate interests and each should respect the other. However, if he’s suddenly going out more than ever and he’s basically living a bachelor lifestyle, yet keeps you on the side –then you’ve become the side chick and he’s trying to get back to that single life slowly but surely. Something has happened between you two that has caused this rift and now he’s looking to get out. And whether that means he’s gonna cheat or not is not the focus here, it’s the fact that he’s trying to get away from you. Making the gap between you and him larger only means that he’s not into the relationship anymore and that probably does include ideas of other women. So before he takes it there, cut this one off and let him sail off into the horizon.

    2 He Flirts in front of you


    Flirting is natural –if you’re single. If you’re tied down and boo-ed up, flirting is not OK, not unless there is a mutual understanding between the couple and not unless it’s part of some fantasy game that y’all play. Should he start hollering at girls in plain daylight while you’re next to him as though you’re not there, this guy is already on the prowl and there could be no reigning him in. This is not only a red flag and the biggest sign of them all, it’s also disrespectful. Pushing you to the side while he does his mating dance is a sign of a peacock. Acting like you don’t exist is the sign of a pig. Getting other females’ attention while in your company or while in a relationship with you is the sign of a dog. You are trying to date a human being and not an animal. Let that leash go, girl. He’s way too wild to be tamed. Let someone else have him.


    1 No more affection


    Whether he’s stopped giving you little cuddles and kisses or stopped the bedroom games for good, these are huge indicators that something has gone wrong between you two. He could be hurt or angry, he could be mentally checked-out of the relationship, or he could be less attracted to you for whatever reason. Long story short, whatever the reason, he’s not giving you his most intimate self which means the relationship is suffering. And when that happens, partners will look elsewhere to fill that gap. We are affectionate, social creatures and being intimate is the way in which we can express ourselves and maintain bonds. Being cold and distant only means that he’s gone elsewhere for affection –either mentally or physically. Talk to him now before things really get out of hand.

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    Love triangle, a girl is hugging a guy and he is holding hands with another girl, they are sitting together on a bench (iStock)

    From online to the neighborhood bar, there are numerous ways to meet men. But just because a guy is persistent, attentive, and doesn’t wear a wedding ring doesn’t mean he’s available. How can you really tell?

    Fox News talked to Dr. Paul DePompo, psychologist and director of the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Institute of Southern California, about the four types of men who may be inclined to cheat so you can make better decisions while you’re out on the dating playing field. Next time you meet one of them, steer clear!

    Mr. Charming
    Who he is: Mr. Charming is hard to resist. He’s smart, fun, likeable, exciting, and only likes to be around such people. “Believing he deserves to have what he wants, he sees the affair as rewarding him for the special person he is. To accept less than what he wants would make him feel like a fool. He could be ‘fine’ in his marriage yet still believe he should exercise his sexual prowess. Getting you means he’s still got it … until he gets you,” DePompo told Fox News.

    How to spot him: DePompo advised paying attention to his actions. “Mr. Charming will lack real empathy when you’re let down, but then it’s hard for you to stay angry. He’ll focus on his own gratification, may tend to have a large age gap over you, spend money lavishly to impress, and is likely to find fault in others when problems occur.”


    Mr. Deprived
    Who he is: Mr. Deprived’s years of sexual frustration make him want to stray. “Though he and his wife may be good friends, he’s in the midst of a sexual self-esteem crisis and believes sex with you is a key piece to happiness. He has sexual fantasies that he cannot share with his spouse because she is not open to it or may put him down,” DePompo said. Although there are aspects to his marriage that may work well, he feels a deep longing for this physical connection.

    How to spot him: Mr. Deprived may come across as extra flirty, and make unwelcomed sexual jokes and comments. “He’ll distract himself with porn, drinking, or will overwork himself,” DePompo said. “He may become hyper-focused on morals in order to minimize the importance of sex, exhibit jealousy or anger regarding other’s happiness, and will tell you his wife does not like sex.”

    Mr. Lonely
    Who he is: Mr. Lonely comes across like a sweet lost puppy, but he’s far from it. He lacks emotional connection and just wants validation and attention from you. “He may find his wife/girlfriend to be demanding, and has learned it is ‘safer’ to avoid conflict at home. Mr. Lonely has a history of putting others first and now has a strong need for appreciation … and this hasn’t been happening — maybe ever. Though he considers the pros and cons of staying in the marriage, he is more focused on healing his hurt by connecting with you,” DePompo explained.

    How to spot him: Look to see if he avoids expressing his needs and wants, DePompo said. “Does he put others first, yet he is not happy about it? Does he make passive-aggressive comments or behaviors towards others? Mr. Lonely will over-work himself in order to stay away from home and will play the ‘martyr’ role to get sympathy from others.”


    Mr. Ready
    Who he is: Mr. Ready is so done with his marriage. He wants to move on, but it may or may not be with you, DePompo said. “He has lost hope and does not expect loving feelings to return at home. Even if they could rekindle, he is spent and would not want it! He has considered the financial and parenting losses that would incur and is at peace with them.” There is no confusion here; he is moving on.

    How to spot him: He’s taking clear steps to move out and move on with his life. “ talks to his close friends and family about his plans, and will go for counseling to sort out his feelings,” DePompo said. “If he hasn’t moved out yet, he’s sleeping in a separate bedroom.” If he tells you he’s ending his marriage, does he at least have the documentation to prove it?


    Most of these four types of men have grown up with parents who didn’t maintain healthy relationships on their own, so they don’t have a good example of what that looks like, DePompo said. But regardless of the cause, he advised thinking twice before starting a relationship with any of these guys.

    Signs of a Cheating Husband

    Suspicions of a cheating husband can leave you with a sick feeling in the pit of your stomach. You feel that something is just not right, but you really can’t put your finger on anything specific. While it’s a common saying that “if you suspect he’s cheating, he probably is”, having something more solid to go on helps. The following information can give you clues that your spouse may be straying, as well as tips on how to proceed.

    Infidelity: What to Look For, What to Do

    Suspicion of infidelity is a horrible thing. It can cause insecurity, anxiety, fear, sleeplessness, depression, and can occupy your thoughts and mind all hours of the day and night. You begin to speculate: What did I do to drive him away? Did I love him enough? Did I smother him? Will I ever trust him again? Will our relationship ever be the same? What does the other person have that I don’t? After a while your health can suffer and your performance at work can suffer.

    I have been a private investigator for over fifteen years and have conducted many domestic investigations, performed many background checks, and many, many hours of surveillance. Throughout the years, I have become sensitive to the “red flags” that may indicative that someone in a relationship was being unfaithful.

    Also, please note that I am not an attorney and am not providing legal advice. When in doubt, check with your attorney or other legal advisor-especially in matters regarding your partner’s privacy.

    So, let me share with you a number of subtle (and not-so-subtle) clues that you should be aware of, should you suspect that your spouse or partner is being unfaithful. While none of these “red flags” automatically mean you are being deceived, they should be regarded as possible indicators of deceit, to determine if further investigation is warranted.

    Usually, the thing that will tip you off is a change in behavior. So, let’s look at just a few of the behaviors that you might observe, if your loved one was being unfaithful:

    Odd Behavior At Home:

    Your partner or spouse…

    • Appears distant, shows a lack of interest or develops an unexplained aloofness.
    • Is frequently tired or lacks interest in the relationship.
    • Comes home smelling of an unfamiliar fragrance.
    • Wears cologne much more often than usual.
    • Arrives home and heads straight into the shower/bath.
    • Gets dressed up a little too well for trips to the grocery or running some other kind of errand or menial task.
    • Begins to speak more and more harshly to you, or is more sarcastic. Sometimes this is just an attempt to justify their cheating…or to give them an excuse to storm out of the room/house.
    • Asks about your schedule more often than usual.
    • Develops an increased focus on losing weight or pays more attention to their appearance.
    • Stops wearing his wedding ring and when asked, can’t give a reasonable explanation

    Romance Tip-offs That Something’s Wrong:

    A cheating husband…

    • Is no longer interested in sex, or he makes excuses for its infrequency.
    • Starts to request kinky or other erotic sexual activity (behavior) that you’ve never done before, including watching porn
    • Shows a “new talent” in the bedroom (that they might have learned from the individual with whom they’ve been cheating)
    • Appears reluctant to kiss you, or show affection toward you.
    • Criticizes you for showing him attention.
    • Continues giving poor excuses for why he is not in the mood to make love.

    Work-related Signs That He May Be Cheating:

    Your partner or spouse…

    • Work longer hours, more frequently…and keep you from viewing his paycheck/pay-stubs
    • Changes his established routine with no apparent reason
    • Begins discouraging you from calling him at work
    • Is often “unavailable” when you try to call him at work.
    • Returns calls long after you leave a message for him.
    • Prefers to attend work functions (or any events) alone and tries to discourage you from attending.
    • Takes more trips for business reasons and even refuses to let you drive him to the airport.

    Telephone Mannerisms That Are Different:

    Your partner or spouse…

    • Receives “mysterious” phone calls.
    • You get an increasing number of hang-ups or “wrong numbers” when you pick up the phone. Especially if the caller hangs up after hearing your voice and doesn’t speak. Generally when a person dials a “wrong” number, they will at least ask, “Is Fred there?” before hanging up (though not always).
    • Phone bills that show unexplained toll or long distance charges.
    • Hurriedly picks up the phone to answer it before you do.
    • Leaves the room to talk on the phone.
    • Whispers while on the phone.
    • Suddenly need a cell phone (or pager) and discourages you from looking at or using the phone or pager.
    • Deletes numbers from the “caller ID”.
    • Behaves differently or ends the telephone calls abruptly when you enter the room. Or appears to hang up quickly.

    Paper Trails of a Cheating Husband:

    • Credit card receipts for gifts you didn’t receive.
    • An increase in ATM withdrawals. Especially those from out-of-town (receipts bear a time/date stamp).
    • Credit card receipts showing purchases from places unknown to you or that seem suspect
    • He rushes to get the mail before you do.
    • He gets a separate P.O. Box.
    • Unusual phone numbers appearing on the bill.
    • The duration and time of the calls appear excessive.
    • He is secretive about his cell phone bill.
    • He starts to pay it himself.
    • You notice business travel or other deductions for travel or other expenses that you were unaware of.

    Automobile Related Signs That Something is up:

    • The passenger’s seat is adjusted differently than you had left it.
    • Taking the child seat out of the car for no particular reason.
    • Finding suspicious items like phone numbers, receipts, lipstick, condoms or strange hairs in the vehicle.
    • Keeping a change of clothes in the trunk.
    • Unexplainable mileage or a lack of additional mileage. For example, if your husband states that he went out of town yet the odometer indicates that only a distance of 25 miles had been driven. Conversely, if he says that he’s only been to the office that day, yet their odometer shows many more miles dad been driven, this too may be a significant matter.

    Internet Infidelity Warning Signs

    • He warily guards access to his computer.
    • He shuts down the computer as you walk into the room.
    • He adds password protection his computer.
    • Or he stays up to “work” on the computer long after you’ve gone to bed.
    • He has unusual sites showing in the “browser history”, or erases them after each late-night session.
    • He deletes email message more frequently

    Again, let me reiterate that these behaviors are only indicators of a cheating husband and are not absolutes.

    The Advanced Cheater

    Some cheating husbands are very deceitful and can cover their tracks superbly. They may become more attentive in an effort to compensate for the fact that their attentions are going elsewhere. They behave like “model” parents in an effort to alleviate their guilt. They can juggle the extra-marital relationship, while tending to the marriage in a seemingly flawless way. They may also have friends that will help them to get out of the house or provide alibis for the cheater. These are the people who are the hardest to catch, and the ones who cause the most pain when they are finally caught.

    These are more reasons to consider retaining the services of a professional investigator.

    The Power of Observation

    If, after some consideration you begin to have suspicions, don’t accuse, but just observe.

    If you accuse your partner and are mistaken, you risk causing unnecessary and irreparable damage to your relationship…damage that may take a lot of time to recover from. And, even if you are correct, it’s quite possible that your spouse will be able to explain his behavior in a manner that’s sufficient to cause you raise reasonable doubt. And, because he is now aware that you are suspicions, he will be even more careful and more guarded, making it much more difficult for you to determine the truth.

    If you become suspicious, don’t treat the cheater any differently and don’t interfere. Now is the time for careful observation, and not for anger. The cheater will eventually be found out, so it’s important to be patient, observant, and to make note of patterns of behavior.

    Keeping Track of His Behavior

    After some patient observation you’ll probably be able to provide a great deal of helpful information to a professional investigator, so that the investigator can obtain the documentation you need. Information regarding the most likely days/times when your partner may be misbehaving, places your partner alleges to frequent, people with whom your partner alleges to keep company. The more information you have (regardless of whether you think it’s important or not), the greater the likelihood an investigator can determine the truth…and do it in the most cost-effective manner.

    A final word of caution: If you think a spouse or partner is misbehaving while you’re out of town, you may consider pretending to plan a trip out of town, in order to conduct your own surveillance and confirm your suspicions.

    You should be discouraged from doing this is because if your suspicions are confirmed, your emotions may cause you to react in a manner that is counter-productive. Emotions can make all us behave in a reactionary way, and at moments like this, it’s vitally important to keep a cool head. So, if this idea still appeals to you, consider having a private investigator conduct surveillance during this time.

    If and When to Confront a Cheating Husband

    What if you’re absolutely certain your spouse IS cheating? Once you’ve observed your spouse or partner for a sufficient amount of time, you may eventually feel that it is necessary to confront him/her your spouse. How do you handle it?

    If your intention is to file for divorce if your suspicion is confirmed, then first seek the counsel of an attorney. It is important to understand your options before you decide to confront him/her. Find out about how to protect yourself financially, and get an understanding of the laws regarding child custody and support.

    If you feel you absolutely must confront the alleged cheater, make sure to do so at a time when he is not rushed or running late. You want him to have time to speak with you. You don’t want him to have a reason to leave the room/house. Don’t ask while he is driving and of course: don’t ask while children are present.

    Gauge His Reactions

    Before you actually confront him, ask simple, non-invasive questions to get an idea of his general attitude and willingness to talk in general. You will do this for the same reason that a person operating a polygraph machine might: to establish an idea of their “baseline”. So, for example, ask what he wants for breakfast, or what he has planned for the day…or anything else that he can respond to easily. Then just observe his general behavior.

    Once you finally confront your husband, you’ll need to carefully observe his behavior.

    You can expect him to be defensive. He may become evasive and reply with something like, “What makes you think that?” (Trying to see where he’d slipped up). Or, he may get indignant and say “Why on earth would you say such a thing?” or “I’m offended that you would say such a thing!”

    Often, innocent people will respond directly by saying, “Yes” or “No”. They are more likely to respond to your inquiry directly, kindly and patiently. They are more likely to show that they are willing to discuss your concerns and to address those things that caused you to doubt in the first place. Cheaters are generally very uncomfortable about addressing the issue and may “explode” and become very defensive and angry.

    When confronting a cheating husband, it may help to inquire about specific occasions when you know for certain what the truth is, so you can see if he is lying. This is where a private investigators documentation and report can come in handy because they can provide undeniable truth that can reveal his lies and deceits.

    Finally: Do not resort to violence. I cannot stress this enough. Criminal charges and possible jail time will cause you to suffer and will keep you from making sure the cheater gets what they deserve.

    Making Decisions Based On Truth

    If your spouse or partner is cheating on you, it forces you into making some very important decisions. The decisions are not only about your own future, but also about your children’s future as well.

    We make our best decisions when we know the truth and understand the reality of things. So, the first step is always to determine the unbiased, objective truth.

    To make sure that you know the truth, consider retaining the services of a professional investigator. They have the experience to deal with these matters objectively and clear-headedly. They also have the equipment necessary to obtain the proof you’ll need in case you go to court.

    And if you have an attorney, your investigator should work with them to make sure that their combined efforts focus on making sure you reap the maximum benefit.

    To the top of Signs of a cheating husband

    Keith L. Walker, the founder and director of Discovery Services Private Investigations, in Springfield Massachusetts. He is a licensed private investigator with over 15 years of experience. Contact him at 413-788-4988 or email him at: [email protected] Copyright 2007.

    Here are some more articles that you may help you understand a cheating husband and help you overcome the devastation of an affair:

    • Signs of Cheating
    • Spying On Your Spouse
    • Overcoming an Emotional Affair
    • Dealing With Betrayal
    • Divorce and Infidelity Advice
    • Surviving an Affair

    Divorce › Affairs › Signs of a Cheating Husband

    10 Signs Your Spouse Is Cheating


    How do you know if your partner is cheating? Usually, if you’re asking this question, you already suspect that you’re the victim of infidelity, or at the very least that something is amiss in your relationship. The signs of cheating look different in every relationship, of course, but there are some common threads that you can look for. First and foremost, I will tell you this: If your gut tells you that your partner is cheating, it may be right. That said, you may want to gather other evidence before you confront your significant other about their behavior. Common signs of infidelity that you might want to look for include:

    1. Improved appearance. If your significant other suddenly starts exercising and eating healthier, that could be a sign that they are trying to appear more attractive to someone (possibly you, but possibly an affair partner). If Mr. Sweatpants-Are-Just-Fine-at-a-Party starts wearing slacks with matching socks and a fashionable shirt, or Ms. I-Can’t-Help-It-If-I-Smell-Like-Our-Son’s-Poopy-Diapers suddenly smells like Chanel No. 5, that may indicate an affair. Ditto for a new haircut and new underwear — especially if your significant other looks the same around you, but significantly better for work or certain social events.

    2. Secretive phone or computer use. Cheaters tend to use their phones and computers more frequently than before and to guard them as if their lives depend on it. If your partner’s phone and laptop never required a password before, and now they do, that’s not a good sign. If your partner suddenly starts deleting texts and clearing their browser history on a daily basis, that’s not a good sign. If your partner never relinquishes possession of their phone, even taking it into the bathroom when they shower, that’s not a good sign. If you ask to review your partner’s phone, and they say no, that’s also a problem. Honestly, what could possibly be there — other than information about your surprise birthday — that they would want to keep secret?

    3. Periods where your significant other is unreachable. If your partner is cheating on you, they are less likely to answer your calls and respond to your texts. You may hear legitimate-sounding excuses like they were in a meeting, they were driving, they were in a “dead zone” and didn’t know you were trying to get in touch. If your partner is unreachable while working late or on a business trip, that’s a bad sign.

    4. Significantly less, or more, or different sex in your relationship. Both decreased and increased levels of sexual activity in your relationship can be a sign of infidelity. Less sex occurs because your partner is focused on someone else; more sex occurs because they are trying to cover that up. Another possible sign of cheating is that the sex you and your partner are having feels less emotionally connected. Yet another possible sign is that your partner is introducing new techniques and activities into your sex life. As much as you might enjoy that, it’s possible that they are learning new tricks outside of your relationship.

    5. Your partner is hostile toward you and your relationship. Cheaters tend to rationalize their behavior (in their own minds). One way they do this is to push the blame onto you. They tell themselves that you don’t look the way you did when they married you, or you’re not adventurous enough in the bedroom, or you don’t appreciate all the wonderful things they do for you, so they deserve to have a little fun elsewhere. Often, their internal justifications for cheating leak out, and they behave judgmentally toward you and your relationship. If it suddenly seems like nothing you do is right, or that things that used to not bother your partner suddenly do, or as if you’re getting pushed away, that could be a strong indication of cheating.

    6. An altered schedule. When your significant other — who never once worked late — suddenly needs to work late, and that starts to happen more and more frequently, they may be lying. If your spouse has never been away on a business trip and suddenly finds a need to travel for work, that could be a sign that they are having weekend getaways with an affair partner. Flat tires, dead batteries, traffic jams, spending extra time at the gym, and similar excuses for being late or absent altogether might also signal infidelity. A cheating partner might also suddenly be forgetful about picking up the kids, birthdays and other important events, etc.

    7. Friends seem uncomfortable around you. With infidelity, you, the betrayed partner, are nearly always the last person to find out. The cheater’s friends often know about the infidelity right from the start, and your own friends are likely to find out long before you do. This knowledge typically causes these individuals to feel uncomfortable around you. The cheater’s friends might try to avoid you or to be overly nice to you. Your own friends may try to avoid conversations about your relationship, and they might overcompensate by being extra nice.

    8. Unexplained expenses. If there are odd charges on your partner’s credit cards, or there is suddenly less money in your or your partner’s bank accounts, retirement accounts, investment accounts, etc., that’s a possible sign of infidelity. If you ask your partner about these expenses, and their answers seem untrue, it’s likely that they are untrue. Infidelity costs money: gifts, trips, wine and dinners, hotel rooms, etc. The costs of cheating can add up very quickly. If you see large cash withdrawals or evidence of purchases from places you rarely or never frequent, that’s not a good sign.

    9. Emotional intimacy has faded. After a few years, no relationship is as intense as it was in the first few months. That said, we do tend to bond and to securely attach over time, learning to trust one another with our secrets, our desires, and other important aspects of our lives. That process is known as building emotional intimacy. And emotional intimacy is what keeps us bonded to our significant other long after the bloom is off the rose, so to speak. So, if your partner suddenly seems less emotionally vulnerable and intimate with you and does not seem to want you to be emotionally vulnerable and intimate, that’s a strong indication that their focus has shifted — most likely to an affair partner.

    Source: Olena Yakobchuk/

    10. When you ask about cheating, your partner deflects and avoids. If your spouse is cheating on you, the absolute last thing in the world that they want to do is talk about it with you. So when you introduce this topic in conversation, they may try to deflect and avoid. In short, your partner will do everything possible to steer you onto another topic, or they will shift blame for what you’re thinking and feeling onto you. If you’ve confronted your partner about infidelity and been rebuffed, maybe with a message like, “If you trusted me a little more, maybe things would be better between us,” you should not let that override your gut sense that something is wrong in your relationship. Nor should you automatically accept your partner’s assertion that you are at fault. As stated earlier, if your gut tells you that your significant other is cheating on you, you’re probably right.

    Please note: Your significant other could display all 10 of these signs and still not be cheating. But these remain indications that something is wrong in their life and/or your relationship. It might not be cheating, but there is almost certainly something that you and your significant other to talk about. At the same time, your mate could be exhibiting none of these ten signs and still be cheating. Either way, the good news is that learning about infidelity does not automatically signal the end of your relationship. It simply means your partner has a lot of work to do if they want to restore relationship trust, make things right, and re-establish emotional and sexual intimacy.

    If you learn that your partner has cheated on you, I strongly suggest that you not sit alone with that information. If you don’t feel comfortable confronting your partner, talk to a trusted friend, your pastor, or a therapist. Just don’t sit there alone with your fears and feelings. Reach out and find empathetic support. For in-depth information about healing after infidelity, I suggest reading Esther Perel’s book, The State of Affairs, and my own book, Out of the Doghouse.

    Why I Cheated on My Husband (And Never Told)

    While it’s nearly impossible to get a sense of how many people cheat on their partner or women cheat on men (data is scarce because, well, people who are unfaithful aren’t always the most forthcoming), it happens. A lot. In fact, the rate of infidelity, per social scientists, has risen steadily over the past decade. That it happens is not a surprise; the why, however, is always a bit more surprising. And of course, if couples choose to stick it out instead of calling it quits in the face of betrayal, there are a lot of questions. A lot of concerns. A lot of trust issues. And plenty of pain.

    Miriam B* (not her real name) had just entered her second marriage with two teenage kids in tow. Feeling overwhelmed by the adjustment of not being a single mom anymore — and frustrated by her husband’s inability to tackle their issues — she began an affair with her coworker that lasted two and a half years. Although it was not an emotional affair, she was still ready to leave her husband. Until he agreed to counseling. When they began to talk and work things out, things got better. Things are better. But still, Miriam’s husband does not know about the affair — and she never wants to tell him.


    Here, Miriam talks to Fatherly about how her affair began, her regrets (and her lack of regrets) about engaging in it, and why she will never tell her husband about what she did.

    So what happened?

    Thanks for the feedback! Oops! Something went wrong. Please contact [email protected]

    I worked for a law enforcement agency for over 15 years. In the process, I got married — it was my second marriage. I already had two kids from my first marriage. Me and my husband, we were practically newlyweds. We were about three or four years in. And then, I ended up having an affair with a coworker.

    How did your affair begin?

    My coworker pursued me for about two and a half, three years. We would flirt off and on, but of course, I would never engage him because I was married. I was never a person who was a cheater, or who believed in cheating in relationships. This was totally new for me.


    My husband and I, like I said, we were kind of newly married. It was very new for me. I had been a single parent before getting married for the second time. I was used to being very independent.

    And it was difficult to adjust to not having that independence anymore?

    I was used to being the “man” in the relationship. I made more money, I was in school full-time, I was working full-time. I felt like a lot of the burden was on me. I was just not happy in the relationship. I was ready to leave. I had expressed these things to my husband, about how we just weren’t communicating the best. But he was being very passive-aggressive, he was not addressing anything. He just thought everything was good.

    Also, having been a single mother — and having been a strong, independent woman for so long, even while married the first time — it was so hard to let someone come in and give input, especially on parenting, when it’s not necessarily their children. It was very hard for me to let him discipline my children. Even just letting him make decisions for the family as a whole. I was so used to doing it, and having to do it, that I pretty much pushed him away. He just backed off and let me be in charge, which was a problem for me. I was used to a man being very strong and authoritative. And he was not that. Not that he couldn’t be, but I didn’t even give him the opportunity to be.


    It sounds like that pushed you to start cheating.

    I ended up getting into this relationship with this coworker. I think it was partly because he stimulated me intellectually. We had the job in common. We had school in common; he had multiple degrees, like me. We loved to travel. We had a lot of things in common at a time when my husband wasn’t trying to accommodate me.

    Did you try to bring those things up to your husband at the time?

    Anything I would bring up with my husband, he didn’t want to talk about it or do it. The answer would always be no. If I wanted to travel? No. If I wanted to go to dinner? No. So, my affair partner was someone I felt compatible with at the time, intellectually and physically. We began this affair. Again, it was really strictly a work thing. We worked long, 12-hour shifts, so we were able to talk and chat during that time. We would talk on the phone when we were off; we’d talk late at night, we’d meet up in hotels. That type of thing. But we didn’t see each other every day, or take trips together.


    How long did your affair last?

    About two years. I think my husband suspected something. He would say little things, and drop little hints. But he would never directly ask me. I would ask him, “Do you think I’m cheating?” And he’d say, “No! Of course not.” So I’d leave it at that.

    Did you feel guilty?

    I knew, in my heart, that it was wrong. But I was planning on leaving him. So I planned my exit to leave my husband. I was preparing to move. I got a separate place. I was preparing to move from him. And he ended up moving with me.


    How did that happen?

    He agreed to go to marriage counseling. I couldn’t even believe that he agreed to it, first of all. Because, up until that point, he had been like: “No, we don’t need therapy, I’m not going to therapy.” What changed for him was that I was actually trying to leave. The fact that I went and got a separate place from him, that I had taken all of the steps to leave the relationship. That’s what made him say, Okay, she’s serious.

    How was counseling?

    What surprised me was, actually, how open he was. Even though he’s my best friend, and we talked about everything, and I knew these things about him, I just got a different perspective when we went to counseling. About how he was raised, things he was taught about being a man from his parents. My expectations for him were different from what he had experienced and what he would believe.


    That’s why we had so many problems and why we were headbutting. It opened my eyes. It made me go: “You have your way of thinking; he has his. You have to find a middle ground.”

    So you realized you had some work to do, as well.

    I learned to compromise more. I was not trying to compromise before. Getting married, there was so much change for me, and I just thought I was outgrowing him.

    I learned to calm down and understand that just because I’m changing, doesn’t mean he has to change with me. Or at the same pace! You understand what I’m saying? I was ready to leave him because I thought he should be keeping up with me. Well, he’s the same person I met. He didn’t change, I did. So I was upset because I changed and he didn’t. And so, I had to be okay with that, and say, he’s okay. He’s happy. I had to learn how to be happy with me.


    You talk now about this whole situation with a lot of clarity. Did you have it then?

    No, not at all. At all. At the time, I justified it. It was very clear to me that I was not happy, I was leaving my marriage, I did not like him, I could not stand him, I did not want him to touch me, talk to me, anything. So, no. At the time, I was definitely in tunnel vision. I was happy doing what I was doing. I felt no remorse at all, because I felt so disconnected from my husband. I actually had friends at the time who were cheating. That helped, as well. They’d be in my ear, telling me things that they were doing. It kind of egged me on a little bit.

    Did you bring up the affair in counseling?

    Nope. I have seen what exposing things, later, after the fact, can do to a relationship. I think it would bring us some unnecessary trust issues that I think we’ve already conquered. I think that it would hurt him so much, seriously, that I may even lose him. So, now, I would not bring it up unless he asked. Now, if he asked me directly, I would be honest with him. But I don’t think he’ll ask me. I don’t think he wants me to tell him the truth.


    In retrospect, do you regret cheating on your husband?

    Yes, and no. I do regret it — because again, I never wanted to hurt anyone, and especially my husband, but I never want to hurt anyone. Spiritually, yes. I’m very spiritual, and I do understand and believe that having an adulterous affair is a sin. That’s my belief.

    But also no, because I grew up so much from that. There were so many things I had to learn; as far as being a wife, being a mother, being a lady. It gave me a different perspective about dealing with clients, friends, or family, who are in this situation. I can relate on a different level now. Whereas before, I would have been like, “Nope! That’s wrong!” I would have been so judgmental and critical, and have been in the past. So, no. That experience taught me a lot.

    Do you have any plans to have affairs in the future?


    I would not ever do this again. This has definitely been an experience. I understand how easy it is to get caught up. I understand how easy it is for it to happen. I understand how easy it is to be in a situation, and not exactly knowing what’s going to happen. I just didn’t know how I was going to get out of it. And before, I might have been judgmental, and said, “Oh, I would never cheat!” But now, I can clearly understand how a person can get into a relationship and wonder: How did I get here? And how do I get out?

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