Short funny wedding toasts

Funny Wedding Toasts: 37 Hilarious Wedding Toasts and Quotes

Whether you’re giving a speech on your own wedding day or the happy couple have asked you to say a few words, you’ll want to round off with a brilliant wedding toast.


If the newlyweds prefer a laugh, then ending with a funny toast is a great way to get the party started! It’s ideal to cap off a hilarious best man speech or set the tone for the evening if you’re speaking first as father of the bride. Read on for the best funny wedding toasts and funny wedding quotes to add in.

The Best Funny Wedding Toasts

“Raise your glasses to both and me as we’ve each gained something this fine and blessed day. He/She gains a wife and a companion for life – while I gain a whole new stack of bills to pay.”

“To the two secrets to a long-lasting happy marriage:
Here’s to a good sense of humour –and a short memory!”

“May we never forget
what is worth remembering
or remember
what is best forgotten.”

“Before we raise a glass to the newlyweds, I’d like to share a Pauline Thomason quote with you: ‘Love is blind – marriage is the eye-opener.’ To the happy couple!”

“May our children be blessed with rich parents!”

READ MORE: Hilarious Honest Wedding Vows for Your Big Day

“Here’s to you and here’s to me,
I hope we never disagree,
But if, perchance, we ever do,
Then here’s to me, to hell with you.”

“ stole heart, so she stole his last name. All in all, I would say that things worked out quite nicely. Let us toast to these lovebirds on their wedding day.”

“Congratulations on the termination of your isolation and may I express an appreciation of your determination to end the desperation and frustration which has caused you so much consternation in giving you the inspiration to make a combination to bring an accumulation to the population.”

“ and , before I finish, I’d like you to turn to face each other. You’re now looking into the eyes of the person who is statistically most likely to murder you. To the bride and groom!”

“Here’s to the woman that’s good and sweet,
Here’s to the woman that’s true,
Here’s to the woman that rules my heart,
In other words, here’s to you.”

“To keep a marriage brimming
with love in the loving cup –
When you are wrong, admit it
and when you are right, shut up!”

“May all your ups and downs come only in the bedroom.”

“May you raise your glasses to marriage and the sacred bond between two people, and let me be clear…I said ‘sacred’, not ‘scared’.”

READ MORE: 33 Genuinely Funny Best Man Speech Jokes

“To the bride – may she share everything with her husband, including the housework!”

“Before we raise our glasses to the happy couple, I’d like to make a toast to wives and lovers everywhere – may they never, ever cross paths!”

“I have known many,
Liked not a few,
Loved only one –
I toast to you.”

“For one more time, I’m going to ask everyone to charge their glasses and – for those who still can – stand, and raise a glass to the newlyweds.”

“Men may be from Mars and women may be from Venus, but you two are so in love it astounds the entire universe.”

“Here’s to Eve, Mother of our race,
Who wore a fig leaf in the right place.
And to Adam, Father of us all,
Who was Johnny-on-the-spot when the leaves began to fall!”

“To our best friends,
who know the most about us,
but refuse to believe it.”

“Let us raise our glasses
And then imbibe
To the splendid couple
Who founded this tribe.”

READ MORE: 45 Funny, Wise and Romantic Wedding Card Quotes

“Raise your glass and join me in congratulating you three: Greg, Sam and the huge mound of debt you’ve just acquired from throwing this wedding!”

“A good marriage is one where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal. That’s unfortunate for these two!”

“Here’s to It,
And to It again.
When you get to It,
and can’t do It;
Come see me,
because I’m used to It!”

“Here’s to that moment of sweet repose
When it’s cheek to cheek and nose to nose
For after that moment of sublime delight
It’s back to back for the rest of the night.”

“I have one final piece of advice for you two lovebirds: never stop laughing, even when the jokes are lame.”

“The vows have been read,
The cake has been cut;
Let’s hope that (groom),
Don’t grow a big butt!”

The Best Funny Wedding Quotes

If you’re looking for a short and sweet funny wedding quote, these are some of our favourites. Don’t miss our full round-up of 51 hilarious quotes about love and marriage.

“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”
Henny Youngman

“Biochemically, love is just like eating large amounts of chocolate.”
John Milton

“Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.”
Will Ferrell

“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.”
Phyllis Diller

“Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There’€s too much fraternising with the enemy.”
Henry Kissinger

“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”
Rita Rudner

READ MORE: 36 Groom Speech Jokes That’ll Have Your Guests Howling

“An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her.”
Agatha Christie

“I take my wife everywhere I go. She always finds her way back.”
Henny Youngman

“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.”
Anne Bancroft

“Marriage is like a walk in the park… Jurassic Park.”


If you like these funny quotes, you’ll love our favourite funny wedding readings and 50 totally inappropriate (but hilarious) wedding songs.

Funny Wedding Toast Quotes to Make Your Speech a Hit

As a part of the wedding party, you know it’s your job to plan the bridal shower, show the groom an awesome last night as a bachelor, and give a few words of wisdom that will set the mood for the rest of the wedding day. Everyone loves a funny wedding speech. If you are a maid of honor or the best man at an upcoming wedding, you know the stress and pressure that comes with writing the perfect speech. A great wedding toast is one part sentimental, three parts hilarious.

Here are some of the best funny wedding toast quotes and jokes you can use to make your wedding speech unforgettable.

Funny wedding toast quotes

The moment you get married, your freedom, sex life, and happiness are over! Or, is it? This is the message that most ‘wedding jokes’ have in common. Is marriage really the end of all your happiness? Is this truly the message you want to send out to the happy couple on their wedding day?

Funny wedding toast quotes can make a real splash during your speech but be careful not to let any negativity spill onto the couple’s big day. Here are some cute and funny quotes about love, romance, and marriage.

  1. “Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.” – Will Ferrell
  2. “Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight” – Phyllis Diller
  3. “It’s no good pretending that any relationship has a future if your record collections disagree violently or if your favorite films wouldn’t even speak to each other if they met at a party” – Nick Hornby
  4. “All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.” – Charles Schulz
  5. “Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.”– Henry Kissinger
  6. “The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” – Ann Bancroft
  7. “I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” –George Burns
  8. “An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her” – Agatha Christie
  9. “True love is singing karaoke ‘Under Pressure’ and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part.”– Mindy Kaling
  10. “To keep your marriage brimming with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.” —Ogden Nash
  11. “Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” – Phyllis Diller
  12. “You don’t need to be on the same wavelength to succeed in marriage. You just need to be able to ride each other’s waves.” —Toni Sciarra Poynter
  13. “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” – Rita Rudner

Wedding jokes for speeches and toasts

When looking to make a funny wedding toast, why not incorporate some personal stories about the bride or groom? This is a great way to give the guests a personal insight into the more hilarious aspects of their courtship. You can leave the anecdotes about crazy ex-boyfriends and girlfriend out of the equation, but feel free to include any adorable or funny moments you have shared or witnessed with the happy couple.

Here are some great wedding jokes and stories you can use in your speech

1. “Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web.”

2. A therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled, “How many people here make love once a day?” Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely. “Once a week?” A third of 
the audience members raise their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant. “Once a month?” A few hands tepidly go up. Then he asks, “OK, how about once a year?” One man in the back jumps up and down, jubilantly waving his hands. The therapist is shocked—this disproves his theory. “If you make love only once a year,” he asks, “why are you so happy?”

3. The man yells, “Today’s the day!”

4. “Did you hear about the two cell phones who got married? The reception was terrific.”

5. “It’s been ten years since the invisible man married the invisible woman. Their kids are nothing to look at either.”

6. “Don’t be a slow learner! After his husband forgot the wedding anniversary, his wife tells him: ‘You’d better have something in front of the house, tomorrow, which goes from 0 to 100 in 4 seconds.’ The next day, she finds on the road, a bathroom scale.”

7. “Did you hear about the notebook who married a pencil? She finally found Mr Write.”

8. “Marriage is like the army. Everyone complains, but you’d be surprised at the large number that re-enlist.”

9. My sister Tina was telling her husband, Kay, about a wonderful program she had watched on TV. The show gave a national award to heroic people who put themselves in grave danger to help out someone they hardly knew. Kay replied, “That sounds a lot like getting married.”

10. “Do you know why the King of Hearts married the Queen of Hearts? They were perfectly suited to each other.”

Wrapping it up

You want your wedding toast to be memorable, flattering, and make the bride or groom laugh. Use these funny wedding toast quotes to add life into your speech, but don’t forget this is a celebration of two people coming together in love, so avoid using any quotes, jokes, or stories that will embarrass or disparage the happy couple.

16 Ridiculously Funny Things People Have Said In Wedding Speeches

Weddings are funny things. Among other strange traditions, we give drunk people microphones and ask them to say nice things about us. The results can be disastrous or awesome, depending on the person, and how many shots they’ve done. A recent Reddit post discussed the funniest things people have said in wedding speeches; and after reading them, I can’t decide if weddings are the best, or if I never want to go to another one again.

Wedding speeches put quite a bit of pressure on the maid of honor, best man, and anyone else who has to step up to the mic and attempt not to ruin what’s supposed to be the best day in the lives of the bride and groom. That’s no small task. What if you say the wrong thing? What if you stutter? What if you spit? What if you choke on your own saliva and have an embarrassing coughing fit in front of the whole crowd? A lot of things could go wrong — as you’re about to read.

A good joke in a wedding speech can help liven up the party and give everyone a good laugh; but sometimes, things go in another direction. If you thought you’d heard all the craziest and funniest things you’d ever hear in wedding speeches, I bet you never thought about these.

1. Sloppy Handwriting

Best joke ever to play on the groom — although I wonder if some new husbands really do write the speech for their best man. Not a bad idea…

2. Lazy Eyes

Nothing’s better than a guy who knows how to poke fun at himself, and this is self-deprecating humor at its finest.

3. Cheers!

Let’s be real: we all know that the open bar is the best part of any wedding, anyway. And cake. Let’s not forget cake.

4. The Reluctant Best Man

Did anyone else have to read this twice before they got the joke? No? Just me? Okay…

5. Making Love To The Queen

A lot of responsibility falls on the best man (or maid of honor); sometimes we do it out of guilt, when we’d rather just show up to the wedding and eat a ton of food.

6. The Bromance

This is why speeches are sometimes a bad idea, although my heart goes out to this best man and the, *cough*, lover he lost to a woman.

7. Rules Regarding Pets

What a guy he is to allow up to eight cats. He’s definitely a keeper.

8. What’s My Line?

It’s the thought that counts.

9. Love Is Like A Fart

Sure, the joke’s not exactly original; but anyone who says “fart” and “poop” in a wedding speech is a total winner.

10. Doing A Few Lines

Now, I’m not condoning drug use, but… but… do we all agree that this is a funny one?

11. Turn In Your Keys, Please

Best. Wedding. Prank. Ever. Although whoever was responsible for it is definitely going to end up in the doghouse that night.

12. I Do, Part II

And what did his spouse have to say about this?

13. The Crazy Cat Man

Actually, some studies have found that cat people might be smarter than the rest of us, so he might not be giving himself enough credit.

14. Friendly Competition

Well, there’s one way to turn everyone in the family against each other.

15. The Mennonite Wedding

What a funny way to lighten the mood. Weddings are supposed to be fun!

16. Leave Mom Out Of This

And people wonder why women turn into bridezillas. Here’s exhibit A!

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A wedding toast is a very important part of any wedding reception. Whether you have been asked to prepare a toast ahead of time or you feel inspired to suddenly stand up and toast the bride and groom, here are some quotes that will help you give a toast that everyone will love. From wedding toast examples from a parent to ones that are religious or funny, you can find some inspiring words that will be perfect for your own wedding toast.

Wedding Toast Examples

1. This special and unforgettable night is a happy celebration of a perfect pair of people who are so deeply and unapologetically in love with one another. Let us all take a moment to raise our glasses to and Let us toast to the incredibly exciting road that lies ahead of them.

2. for as long as I have known you, you have always been someone who has been able to find the joy in everything. I am so glad that you can share this ability to see the joy in everything with May your life together be joyous and full of love.

3. and have both honored me by including me in their wedding today, and I know that you all feel honored as well to be a part of this special occasion. From a beautiful ceremony to a very fun reception and delicious food, I cannot thank you enough for including us in your special day. Let us all raise a glass and toast to the new Mr. and Mrs.

4. Watching and together has renewed my faith in true love. I am so honored to be a part of this special day. Let us toast to the two people who have brought all of us in this room here today.

5. To and may you always find comforting strength and endless happiness in one another. Please join me as I raise a glass to these two newlyweds.

6. Remember, and that love is not about how much you say “I love you.” It is about what you do to prove it. May you continue to show your love for each other each and every day. A toast to the two of you on your wedding day.

7. and may you find joy with each other each and every day from this day forward. Congratulations and remember this special day always, as it is the day that brought you two together as husband and wife.

8. Here is to the groom with a bride so fair, and here is to a bride with a groom who is so rare.

9. May the two of you be poor in misfortune and rich in blessings. Here is to a wonderful wedding day and an even more marvelous marriage.

10. To be really able to experience the value of joy, you must have someone special to share and experience it with. What a wonderful thing it is then, a miracle even, that the two of you have found each other. Congratulations and to you, I raise my glass.

11. Even before this day, I have seen and fall in love over and over many times. That is the recipe for a successful and happy marriage. A toast to you both, I know I speak for everyone in this room when I say that we all wish you a long, healthy, and happy life together.

12. From this day forward, you will not be alone. As husband and wife, you will always have each other. And you will also have your families and friends to offer their support along the way. Congratulations to a lovely bride and groom on such a beautiful day.

13. To love, laughter, and a happily ever after. To and your fairy tale is only beginning.

14. To the lovely bride and groom, here are my wishes for you. May you always have a place to call home and may you always be surrounded by those you love.

15. May you always have walls for the wind, a roof for the rain, tea by the fire, laughter to cheer you up, and everything that your heart desires. Congratulations and

16. To a couple that we all know, admire, and love with all our hearts. We all wish the best for you and we toast to your health and happiness.

17. What is love anyway? It is unpredictable, sometimes it makes very little sense. But it is the strongest thing in the world and I am so happy that the two of you love each other the way that you do. Cheers to the bride and groom. May your love continue to shine and serve as a beacon of hope for all of us.

18. To be able to find your soul mate is a true blessing. Let us raise a glass to the bride and groom. Thank you for sharing your blessing of happiness with all of us.

19. I think it is safe to say that we will all look back on this special day with fondness. Congratulations, and and here is to a new chapter in your lives.

20. I would like to take this opportunity to congratulate the two of you on your marriage. As you both grow older together, remember that the heart that loves is always young. So never fail to remember to stay young at heart together. That is what will keep your love fresh and exciting, even 30 years from today.

21. To and may your love be as endless as your wedding rings.

22. To and who we all love so dearly: may your love for one another run as deep as the ocean and may your worries be as light as the sea’s foam.

23. Cheers to the bride and groom, may you have a happy honeymoon. May you have a happy life and enjoy your time as spouses without strife.

24. Here’s to the husband and here’s to the wife. May the two of you stay lovers for life.

25. Let us toast to the health of the bride, let us toast to the health of the groom, let’s have a toast to the person who tied, and let’s raise a glass to everyone in this room.

26. As you celebrate this happy day in your life, remember that the best days are yet to come. In the meantime, let us raise a glass to your marriage and to your health and happiness.

27. When love rules your heart, anything is possible. Here’s to the bride and groom, we all know that they will do great things together.

28. We are all incredibly lucky to have been able to witness the immense and boundless love that the two of you share. Let us raise a glass to and and their never ending love.

29. and deserve three cheers for their steadfast commitment to each other. The decision to marry is not one that is made lightly and I know that their best years are ahead of them. Hip, hip, hooray! Hip, hip, hooray! Hip, hip, hooray!

30. When you are lucky enough to find the one that makes your heart soar, your one true love, then you should never ever let them go. And and have done just that. Congratulations to the both of you.

31. Here’s to the bride and groom with hearts of gold, may their love continue to grow as they grow old.

32. Let us all toast to a marriage that will be strong and enduring.

33. As the days and years go by, let us all remember this day as the special day where and proclaimed their undying love for each other.

34. and on this special day, I wish you both a lifetime of happiness together. Your wedding day is certainly one that we will all remember.

36. As the two of you begin this new life together as a married couple, just remember this: be kind to one another and your love will last a lifetime.

37. Congratulations to the newlyweds on this special day. As you embark on this new journey together, always keep in mind that the first duty of love is to listen.

38. There is no remedy for love but to love more. Remember this every day, because now you are husband and wife. I know I am not alone in this room when I say that I wish you nothing but the best memories in the many years that you will have together.

39. Love, when it is real, is everything that is cracked up to be. That is why people can be so cynical about it. But sometimes you have to fight for love or make sacrifices and take risks for it. But it can be worth the risk. With love, sometimes you have to be fearless and strong. And and have both shown all of those qualities and much more. Let us all raise a glass to their future together.

40. Love is something that we could all use a little bit of. And between the two of them, and have plenty of love to go around. Thank you for sharing that love with all of us on this special day and thank you for inviting us to witness this great love that you have.

41. Let us all raise a glass to a beautiful wedding, two wonderful people, and the love that they have for one another.

42. Here is a piece of advice for you two lovebirds on your wedding day: never stop laughing, even when the jokes are not all that funny.

Funny Wedding Toasts

43. Marriage is always a workshop in the sense that the husband is the one who works and the wife is the one who shops. But in all serious, marriage is a balance, no matter what roles the husband and wife take on. As long as you remember to respect and love each other, you can never go wrong. Let us toast to the marriage of and

44. Marriage is an interesting arrangement that allows you to annoy that one special person for the rest of your life. But it is so worth it when you really love each other. Congratulations to and may they continue to annoy each other for many more years to come.

45. Loyal, honest, funny, caring…but enough about me. I’m here to talk about the groom! He is someone who I look up to, whose love inspires me, and I think he found his perfect match in Let us all raise a toast to the two of them.

47. stole heart, so she stole his last name. All in all, I would say that things worked out quite nicely. Let us toast to these lovebirds on their wedding day.

48. Congratulations, and Just always keep this in mind as you embark on your married life together: marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other person is the husband!

49. They say that a man is incomplete until he is married and settles down. After that, he is finished. Congratulations, and on your marriage.

50. Marriage lets you annoy one special person for the rest of your life. Take advantage of that as much as you can. Congratulations to the bride and groom!

51. and as you settle into your married life together, remember the 4 magic words that will keep any marriage strong: “I’ll do the dishes.”

52. Love is a temporary insanity that is curable by marriage. and thank you for having us all here to witness your wonderful wedding day. Let us raise a glass to the health and happiness of these happy newlyweds.

53. People like to always say that love is blind, but I don’t really believe in that at all. After all, anyone who has ever been within a 20-mile radius of this couple can clearly see how much in love and are. I would like make a toast to these two newlyweds, that their love will always be as radiant as the sun and that this love of theirs will only get stronger with each passing day.

Parent Wedding Toasts

54. As someone who has seen grow from a beautiful baby to a fine young man, I cannot be more pleased with the wonderful person that he has chosen to spend the rest of his life with, a lovely young lady who I am now lucky enough to call my daughter in law. She is beautiful both inside and out and we could not be luckier to know her, let alone call her a new member of the family. Let us toast to my son and his new bride.

55. When you are a parent, you want the best for your child. Luckily, my son found the best when he found Join me, everyone, as I toast to my son and my new daughter in law.

56. As a parent, I have often worried about my daughter being okay, that she would do great things, and that she would never want for anything. Most of all, I always prayed for her happiness. As I look at her and I can say that I am confident that the two of them will have a great life together and accomplish many things as husband and wife. And I know that the two of them will continue to be very happy in each other’s company.

57. Hello everyone. I am the mother of It is said that when their children find true love, their parents find true joy. Here’s to your joy and to ours as well.

58. As I stand here today at my child’s wedding, I wonder where the time has gone. I still remember you as the baby that I fell in love with. And watching you grow has been a blessing. I am so glad that you have found someone who you can spend the rest of your life with

59. There have been many times and countless instances over the years where I thought that I could not possibly be prouder of my child. Today happens to be one of those days. On your wedding day, I could not feel any prouder and I could not be any happier for you. As I look at you and the person you love, who you have made this commitment to, my heart is incredibly full of joy and I am at peace knowing how happy you are. I know that together, you will continue to do great things together, this time as husband and wife.

60. As a mother, I have often worried about my child. Even though he/she is no longer a child anymore. It doesn’t matter how smart or capable they are, you always wonder if they will be okay. And while a mother never stops worrying, my mind and heart are at ease because and have found each other. And when I see the love that they have for each other, the affection and the respect that is there, I know that my daughter/son will be just fine. Congratulations to the both of you on your wedding day.

61. you have always been my pride and joy. So you can imagine that over the years, I always wondered who would ever be good enough for you, a girl who was so smart, so beautiful, and so pure of heart. And I think we found that answer in Seeing how happy he makes you, makes me happier than you can ever know. Congratulations to you both.

You may also enjoy our Matron of Honor Speech Examples.

Religious Wedding Toasts

62. It is often said that marriage is a gift from God himself. The happiness that the two of you have together is a result of that blessed gift. Thank you both for sharing your gift of happiness and love with all of us on this special day.

63. To find real love in this world is the biggest blessing that any of us can ever hope to receive. As I look at and I can see how blessed they are and how pure their love is, and I can say that we are all incredibly blessed and fortunate to even know them and to be able to share this special day with them.

64. What God has joined together today, let man not separate. Join me, everyone in congratulating and on this blessed day.

65. To and may they honor the Lord with their marriage and their love for one another. Let us all raise a glass to their happiness and health.

66. May the Lord teach and to stand together through everything that comes their way. Let us toast to the health of these newlyweds.

67. Congratulations, and I know that I am not alone when I say that I wish for all of God’s blessings to be bestowed upon you.

68. Today, and have dedicated theirselves to one another in body, mind, and soul. That we have all been able to witness this is truly a blessing. Let us raise a glass to the new bride and groom.

69. Let us rejoice in the blessing of love that and share. Their marriage is a firm declaration of their love before their loved ones and God. Congratulations to a couple that we are all very blessed to know.

70. In life, God can give us many blessings but the greatest one of all has got to be love. What are we without it? Nothing. And so, by having each other’s unwavering love, and have everything. Let us all toast to the love that and share.

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23 Funny Opening Lines for Wedding Speeches

If you’ve read our post on how to make a great best man speech, you’ll know that we recommend starting with a joke, and today, we’re sharing 23 foolproof examples! The beauty of this list is that it works for any wedding speech, whether you’re a groom, bride, best man, bridesmaid, groomsman, bridesman, groomsmaid, father of the bride/groom, mother of the bride/groom, granny/grandad of the bride/groom or just a close pal with a knack for public speaking! Boasting everything from eyeroll-worthy classics to offbeat gags, our round-up of funny opening lines is sure to have something to suit your personal style – many of them can be customised to pack an even bigger punch on the day. Kick off with one of these gems, and you’ll not only put the audience at ease, but you’ll set yourself up for a terrific wedding speech. Good luck!

Photo by Craig and Eva Sanders via One Fab Day

Note: (name) can indicate yourself, the bride/groom, the couple as a whole, or another member of the bridal party.

“Gosh, what an emotional day it’s been. Even the cake is in tiers.”

“Hi everyone! I’m (Name) and it’s time for me to give the speech I frantically scribbled down 15 minutes ago!”

“The couple have requested that I don’t share any embarrassing stories… so that’s it from me! Thanks for listening!”

“(Name), I love you so much, and I really hope you’ll feel the same about me after you hear my speech.”

Photo by Bronté Photography via One Fab Day

“I just want to start by congratulating (previous speechgiver’s Name) on their wonderful speech. I always knew it would be hard to follow and I was right, I couldn’t follow a word of it.”

“The couple actually had a bit of trouble finding someone to make a speech today. They started by asking their funniest friend, and they said no. Then they asked their most charming friend, and they said no. After that, they asked their best-looking friend and, again, they said no. Then they asked me, and, after already turning them down three times, I couldn’t refuse again.”

Photo by Primalux via One Fab Day

“Ladies and gentlemen, today we witnessed a unique event in history – it’s the first and presumably last time anyone has trusted me to give a speech!”

“(Name) and I share the same sense of humour so if you don’t like my jokes, you can blame them!”

“Ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered here today to celebrate something truly magical. Something so rare and fortuitous and wonderful that it simply must be celebrated. I am, of course, talking about the open bar/donut wall/photo booth.”

Photo by Amber Baruch Photography via One Fab Day

“I think we can all agree that it’s been a fantastic day. But unfortunately that ends right here with my speech.”

“Loyal. Kind. Honest. Generous… That’s enough about me, I’m here to talk about (Name)!”

Photo by David O’Sullivan via One Fab Day

“I’d like to begin my speech by giving the happy couple some relationship advice, but unfortunately I’m single and spend most of my time trying to coax my cat into little outfits/browsing Doctor Who fan sites/playing Rock Paper Scissors with Alexa.”

“A few months ago, (Name) called me up and asked, ‘What are your feelings on marriage?’ I had to tell them that, while I was very flattered, I wasn’t ready to settle down just yet.”

“Can everyone hear me OK? If you can’t hear me in the back, the silence from the people at the front should reassure you that you’re not missing anything.”

Photo by Katie Kav Photography via One Fab Day

“Before I begin, I must explain that, this morning, (Name) asked me to remove anything resembling innuendo from my speech. Unfortunately, I didn’t have time to go through it again, but if I come across anything risqué, I’ll whip it out immediately.”

Photo by Rock’n Brides via One Fab Day

“All of us gathered together in this room, we’ve got something really important in common – none of us have got a clue what I’m going to say next!”

“I was told that the secret to a good speech is to start with something that’s relevant to everyone in the audience. So here it goes – all of your cars have been stolen.”

“I want to start by saying that, of all the weddings I’ve attended over the years, this one is, by far, the most recent.”

Photo by Annie Kheffache via One Fab Day

“I’d like to start by congratulating (Name) on their excellent taste in speechgivers.”

“Before we start, can everybody do me a favour and get up off their seats? Now can everyone take one step backward, please? Now can everyone move one step to the right? And now can everyone move one step left? Thank you. Someone told me that the key to giving a good speech was to move people, but I think they must have been having me on, because this is going terribly!”

Featured image credit: Marc Lawson via One Fab Day

You’ve found your opening line – now what? Click over to this post for a handy checklist of people to thank in your wedding speech.

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