- 6 Things Women Need for a Happy and Healthy Sex Life
- 1. To Know What You Like and Dislike in the Bedroom
- 2. The Ability to Focus on the Moment and Tune Out the Noise
- 3. Positive Body Image and Sexual Self-Confidence
- 4. Trust and Emotional Security in Your Relationship
- 5. To Know Your Partner’s Sexual Health Status
- 6. The Right Products to Make Sex More Comfortable
- Why Does Sex Feel Good?
- According to science, there are a lot of reasons
- Why sex feels good to your brain
- How to have better sex
- Keep your sex safe
- 100 Women Reveal What Actually Makes A Guy Good In Bed
- Things Women Secretly Want in Bed
- 8 Kinky Things Women Secretly Desire, Revealed
- Why Women Might Not Ask for What They Really Want
- How to Talk to Her About Her Kinky Desires
- Kinky Things Women Want to Do
Why Having A “Male Member” Can Be So Annoying
- 1. When my male dentist has his hands in my mouth.
- 2. Thunderstorms.
- 3. Having to pee.
- 4. The idea of getting fucked in my underwear.
- 5. When my husband takes care of me like a little helpless girl.
- 6. Electricians, welders, construction, you name it.
- 7. Men in uniforms.
- 8. Hotels.
- 9. Men kissing or making out with other men.
- 10. Men in skirts.
- 11. Having my feet touched/caressed.
- 12. Teeth and biting.
- 13. Guys being noisy during sex.
- 14. Heavy breathing.
- 15. Being in water with my husband.
- 16. Having the back of my neck held/massaged.
- 17. Tickling.
- 18. Guys trying to conceal their attraction toward me.
- 19. The idea of being caught.
- 20. Shy, nerdy guys.
- 21. Play fighting.
- 22. Playing with my hair.
- 23. Having my knees kissed/licked.
- How To Make A Woman Want You Sexually!
- How to make a girl want you: The most important thing!
- 2 Tips: How to make a girl want you back when she’s lost interest!
- Signs a woman is sexually attracted to you and how to make her want you even more!
- Great sex is about letting go of control
- Great sex is a sensual experience
- Great sex is about connection
- Your brain wants you to have sex. Here’s how that works.
- Great sex is about loving your own body
- Great sex is about exploring new things (a “yes, no, maybe” list can help)
- MORE RELATIONSHIP ADVICE
- Tips to Improve Your Sex Life
- How to Enjoy More Fulfilling Sex
- Enjoying a satisfying sex life
- Talking to your partner
- Using self-help strategies
- Maintaining good health
- Putting the fun back into sex
- ‘We have an adventurous sex life and try different positions around our apartment’
- ‘I’m a gran but feel like an 18-year-old in bed’
- ‘I could have sex two or three times a day’
- 8 Tips for Sex With an Older Woman
- Safety Advice
- Enjoy Your Relationship
6 Things Women Need for a Happy and Healthy Sex Life
The benefits of sex extend beyond the bedroom. Studies have found that a roll in the hay can improve heart health and even boost your immunity. Plus, regular romps with your partner create an intimate connection that’s crucial for a healthy relationship.
But if you’re not always in the mood to have sex, you’re not alone. Many women have fluctuating sex drives, which may arise from larger issues, says Ian Kerner, PhD, a psychotherapist and sex therapist in New York City. “In some ways, sexual desire is a barometer of your overall health,” he explains. “If someone comes in with a low libido, it can often be an indication that something else is going on emotionally or physically.”
So how can you break through these bedroom barriers and create more heat between the sheets? Read on to find out what women really need to feel happy and healthy in their sex lives.
1. To Know What You Like and Dislike in the Bedroom
The first thing you need to enjoy yourself in bed is to know what you like, says Dr. Kerner. “Knowing what feels good, what turns you on, what turns you off, the stimulation you need to move through the process of arousal, the positions you like, and a partner who can dance with you in that way and knows the dance, is helpful,” he explains.
It’s also important to be able to communicate these desires to your partner, he adds. “If you feel uncomfortable sharing, frame what you want in the form of a fantasy,” suggests Kerner. For example, you could tell your partner you had a daydream about how the two of you used to make out like teenagers. “Try to use arousing, stimulating language,” he says. “Doing so will help lead you to the kind of sex you’d like to have.” Masturbation may also help women learn what they like in bed and feel more sexually empowered.
2. The Ability to Focus on the Moment and Tune Out the Noise
With our high-stress lifestyles, it’s normal to get distracted, even when we’d prefer to focus on romance. But especially for women, it’s important to focus on staying in the moment. “You want to be in a relaxed place where your brain really deactivates, so you can experience full arousal and orgasm,” explains Kerner.
Science supports the idea that tuning out the noise can help women improve their sex lives. A study published in September 2017 in the Journal of Sexual Research found that women reported significant improvements in sexual desire, overall sexual function, and a reduction in sex-related distress after an eight-session mindfulness program. Another study, published in 2018 in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, found that women who meditated scored higher on measures of sexual function and desire.
If you still find yourself thinking more about your to-do list and less about what’s happening in the bedroom, fantasizing may help you focus. “I think fantasy is a really powerful way of shutting off your anxious brain,” says Kerner. “In talking to female patients over the years, many do fantasize during sex naturally or consciously exactly for that reason, to get into a deeper state of arousal.”
3. Positive Body Image and Sexual Self-Confidence
If a woman doesn’t feel good about her body, it may be more challenging for her to enjoy sex. A study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that body image, including weight concern, physical condition, sexual attractiveness, and thoughts about the body during sexual activity, predict sexual satisfaction in women. The findings suggest that women who experience low sexual satisfaction may benefit from treatments that target these specific aspects of body image.
Another study, published in the Electronic Journal of Human Sexuality, found that exercise frequency and physical fitness enhance attractiveness and increase energy levels, both of which make people feel better about themselves. As a bonus, those who feel better about themselves may perceive they are more sexually desirable and may perform better sexually. “For both men and women, negative body image can get in the way and be an inhibiting factor,” says Kerner. “Positive body image can increase confidence — I’ve had patients who lost a pound or two or started exercising and found that their sexual self-esteem rose.”
In any case, it’s important to realize that your partner is not focusing on a few extra pounds or your stretch marks or C-section scar when you’re in bed together. “You don’t have to have a perfect body to be able to enjoy your sexuality,” says Kerner. And your partner likely thinks you look perfect just the way you are. “A lot of men’s personal tastes don’t conform to what the media says is the perfect body,” he adds. “And certainly during sex and deep states of arousal, men are generally more focused on the details and experience of sex than on somebody’s body.”
4. Trust and Emotional Security in Your Relationship
It’s hard to have a carefree romp if you feel disconnected from your significant other or worried about your partner’s fidelity. If you think your partner may be having an affair, it’s important to address it. To start the conversation in a nonconfrontational way, Kerner suggests saying something like, “I feel like we haven’t been connecting lately, and you’re always on your phone or texting. It just makes me feel a little unsafe in the relationship.” Then explain that you want your relationship and sex life to be a priority because you value them.
5. To Know Your Partner’s Sexual Health Status
No one likes the uncomfortable question, “When was the last time you were tested for STDs?” or a discussion about previous partners or birth control, but don’t be afraid to ask questions about your partner’s sexual history. You can even put a positive spin on the discussion, suggests Kerner, by saying something like, “I find you really sexy, and I’m interested in a relationship with you. But for me to fully enjoy myself, I want to talk about our sexual histories and get on the same page about safety.” If your partner isn’t open to the discussion, he or she may not be the right person for you.
6. The Right Products to Make Sex More Comfortable
While it’s widely known that women of a certain age tend to experience vaginal dryness, even younger women can struggle with it. To make things more comfortable, try using a lubricant; but be choosy about the kind you purchase, because there are key differences among them. Kerner, who recommends the natural, water-based lubricant Sliquid, also stresses the importance of foreplay so you can lubricate naturally. “You could be aroused physically but not mentally, or vice versa, so you may just need to give yourself more time to warm up,” he explains.
Why Does Sex Feel Good?
Do you love to have sex? If you do, you’re not alone. Scientists know that sex is a pleasurable experience for most women. But how and why does it feel so good to have sex?
According to science, there are a lot of reasons
Scientists say there’s a lot going on in the body that makes sex feel good. These feelings of pleasure belong to a series of physical and emotional stages that you experience when you’re having sex or feeling aroused.
The four stages of the so-called sexual response cycle include:
These four stages are experienced by both men and women and can occur during intercourse or masturbation. Every person experiences different timing and different intensity of the various stages because every person’s body is different.
Phase 1: Excitement
You or your partner may experience:
- increased muscle tension
- increased heart rate and breathing
- flushed skin
- hardened or erect nipples
- increased blood flow to genitals (causing swelling in the woman’s clitoris and inner lips — labia minora — and erection in the man’s penis)
- increased moistness in the vagina
- more fullness in the woman’s breasts
- swelling in the woman’s vaginal walls
- swelling of the man’s testicles
- tightening of the man’s scrotum
- secretions of lubricating liquid from the man’s penis
Phase 2: Plateau
You or your partner may experience:
- an escalation of the physical changes from stage 1 (elevated breathing, heart rate, muscle tension, and blood pressure)
- increased vaginal swelling and a change in color in the vaginal walls to dark purple
- increased sensitivity to a woman’s clitoris (sometimes becoming painful to the touch) and retracting under the clitoral hood so that it doesn’t become stimulated directly by the penis
- the man’s testicles pulled up into the scrotum
- muscle spasms possibly occurring in the feet, face, and hands
Phase 3: Orgasm
You or your partner may experience:
- involuntary muscle contractions
- the intensity of blood pressure, heart rate, and breathing at their highest and both partners taking oxygen rapidly into the body
- muscle spasms possibly occurring in the feet
- a sudden and powerful release of sexual tension
- contraction of the vaginal muscles in women as well as rhythmic contractions in the uterus
- rhythmic contractions of the muscles at the base of the penis in men, which results in semen ejaculation
- a flush or “sex rash” over the body
Women can experience several orgasms with continued sexual stimulation. Men must wait after an orgasm to have another. This waiting period varies among men and increases with age.
Phase 4: Resolution
During this phase:
- The body returns to normal function.
- Swollen and erect body parts return to their usual size and color.
- There’s an increased sense of well-being, intimacy, and fatigue.
Why sex feels good to your brain
The brain is its own pleasure center during sex. Just being physically close with another human being is known to increase levels of oxytocin — the “cuddle hormone” — in the brain, making you feel happy and safe.
Scientists know that certain parts of the brain are associated with pleasure, becoming more active after consuming food or drugs — or having sex.
When we have sex, the physical signals felt by the body send signals through our nerves to the brain — which reacts by releasing chemicals that make us experience even more pleasure.
Some research suggests the rhythmic nature of sex and sexual stimulation creates a physical-psychological loop of pleasure.
As physical pleasure increases during the orgasm phase of sex, so does psychological pleasure — and more psychological pleasure increases physical pleasure.
The research also suggests that the rhythm of sex can help women and men choose appropriate sexual partners.
A person will tend toward a sexual partner whose rhythm brings them the most pleasure because a good rhythm is a measure of sexual fitness.
How to have better sex
The best way to have better sex is to learn to listen to your body and brain. Who and what brings you the most pleasure during sex?
- Choose sexual partners that make you feel happy and fulfilled. Feeling comfortable with someone can help you have good sex.
- Opt for sexual positions that bring you the most pleasure. Take time to explore your body on your own and know what sensations you most enjoy. Masturbating is a safe, healthy, and normal way to learn more about your sexual preferences.
- Talk to your partner about what they like. Keep an open line of communication with your partner when it comes to talking about sex.
- Try things your partner likes and ask them to try things you like. Sex is more enjoyable when both parties involved are getting pleasure from the experience. Learn about what brings the other pleasure, together.
Keep your sex safe
The most pleasurable type of sex is safer sex. Good sexual health places a high priority on healthy relationships, planned pregnancies, and prevention of sexually transmitted infections.
Be sure you’re on the same page as your sexual partner before having sex. Open communication about sexual health is just as important as — if not more important than — open communication about sexual pleasure.
100 Women Reveal What Actually Makes A Guy Good In Bed
It’s a fact of life that when a woman gets into bed with a man, she is prepared for at least one of these three things to happen: 1. She will feel self-conscious in some way; 2. the experience will be short and kind of sh*tty; and 3. she will not finish. (She will not even come close).
When I first explained this depressing reality to a guy a few weeks ago, he was baffled. Completely baffled. Sex had been amazing for him since his senior prom! How is it possible, he wondered, that it’s rare for a woman to experience sex that’s even mediocre?
In addition to appearing shocked, he also seemed to feel sort of bad. Like he, as both an individual and as a collective representation of all dudes, had failed. So after realizing how genuinely confused this well-intentioned guy was, I decided to ask women what guys can do to actually make sex better for us.
I surveyed 100 women, ages 19 to 50, about what makes a guy good in bed. I provided the women with a list of 15 actions that guys can do and told them to rank each action as either “not important,” “somewhat important” or “very important” in determining if he’s good in bed or not. Then, at the end of the survey, I asked if they had anything else to add to the list that I may have missed.
And BOY, did the ladies come through. So guys, hopefully these results will help you all kill it in the sack.
Engage in foreplay.
STOP SKIPPING THIS STEP. A whopping 86 percent of women said it’s very important that you engage in foreplay, which includes making out, licking our boobs and fingering us.
It can also include kissing/caressing other non-sexual parts of our body, such as our neck, finger and forehead, as 90 percent of women said it’s somewhat or very important that you do this.
Did I tell you to stop skipping this step yet? Yes? Well, I’m going to repeat it anyway. STOP SKIPPING THIS STEP.
Go down on us.
A lesbian friend of mine once told me that she couldn’t believe how infrequently men go down on women. And she’s right. You guys just don’t do it. Which is unfortunate, because we actually want you to: 82 percent of women said it’s somewhat or very important that you go down on us.
If you’re unsure if she wants it, just see what happens when you head down south. If she stops you, then you’ll have your answer. But according to these results, she’ll probably want it.
Be in good physical shape.
90 percent of women said it’s somewhat or very important that you have enough stamina and energy to not get tired too easily in bed. (Don’t worry about going MULTIPLE rounds, though — only 32 percent of women said that’s very important).
When I say “good physical shape,” by the way, I don’t mean you need to have a six-pack. I just mean you don’t have to get up for a water break every five minutes. In fact, a distinctly thin guy with great arms whom I used to date couldn’t have sex for longer than five minutes without doing just that. And let me tell you: It was not sexy.
The good news here is that you don’t have to worry about finishing too quickly. Only 33 percent of women said it’s very important that you’re able to withhold your orgasm for a long time. So if you finish in two minutes but still have enough energy to continue hooking up, you’re good.
Take control and spice things up.
We want you to dominate us and keep the experience interesting: 96 percent of women said it’s somewhat or very important that you take control in bed, and 86 percent of women said it’s somewhat or very important that you have sex with us in positions that aren’t missionary.
In addition to varying up the positions, we want you to vary up the tempo/rhythm, too. In the open-ended responses, several women said they don’t want to be jackhammered the whole time (because duh, and also ow). One woman suggested you throw in “some shallow thrusts.”
Lightly roughhouse us.
In your quest to take control, feel free to be a little rough with us. 75 percent of women this is somewhat to very important, so things like hair-pulling, mild slapping and the like is OK.
Note that I said lightly, guys. Don’t bruise us, please.
PG-level dirty talk us.
Be careful with dirty talk. Over half of women (53 percent) said it’s not important that you tell us you want to f*ck our wet pussy, or whatever. So maybe err on the side of caution and don’t say things like that.
However, if you DO want to dirty talk, 74 percent of women think it’s somewhat important or very important that you say PG-level things like “you’re so hot.” Try that instead.
Make us orgasm.
73 percent of women said it’s very important that you make us orgasm. This is a given, but it’s worth repeating.
But know when to stop trying if an orgasm is just not going to happen.
Vaginas are fickle. They’re not as easy to work with as dicks are. Which means even if you do every single thing on this list and you do it right, an orgasm may not happen anyway.
This is crucial for you guys to realize, as 89 percent of women said it’s somewhat or very important that you know when to stop trying to make us orgasm if it’s just not going to happen. Because sometimes — while we really do appreciate the effort! — if you’re trying too hard down there, it starts to feel too sensitive and hurt. And then you will go from “good in bed” to “get me the f*ck out of this bed as soon as possible.”
A few women in their open-ended responses said that the “post-sex interaction” is vital. We want you to cuddle with us after. Cliché, yes, but true.
One woman stressed the importance of also knowing when to leave us alone when the cuddling is over. So be in sync with that as well.
Listen to feedback.
84 percent of women said it’s very important that you adjust your actions according to our feedback, whether that feedback is verbal or non-verbal (via our physical responses or our body language). This is so crucial that SEVERAL of the open-ended responses at the end of the survey repeated the importance of being open to feedback.
Whenever I’ve tried to give feedback to guys before, they’ve taken it like an insult. But this needs to end. Don’t be an egotistical jerk to a woman who tries to tell you what she’s into. Her feedback is for YOUR benefit, too.
Because remember that blowjob you’ve been wanting? It’s coming soon, my friend. It’s coming.
Things Women Secretly Want in Bed
8 Kinky Things Women Secretly Desire, Revealed
September 19, 2019 Share Tweet Flip 0 Shares
If you’re a straight guy, you’re probably used to asking for (or even just taking) what you want in bed.
You want to switch positions? You flip her over. You want a blowjob? You subtly nudge her until you get one. You want to try a threesome? You not-so-subtly suggest it when drunk one night. Even if you get turned down, at least you expressed what you wanted.
For lots of guys, that’s just how sex works.
But lots of guys also have at least one or two things they’re a little bit shy about. Things they might watch in porn and get turned on by but never bring up, or things they feel guilty about liking, are ashamed of or wish they didn’t find quite as hot as they do. If you recognize that feeling, well, you’re getting just a little taste of what it’s like to be a woman.
RELATED: All the Most Popular Porn Plots, Ranked
A lot of hetero sex ends up being what the guy wants, not what the girl wants. Yep — there are things that women just… never ask for.
You might not realize that, sure, but how can you realize that someone isn’t asking you for something they want? It looks exactly the same as not wanting anything in the first place.
You might find that surprising as a man, but it’s time to demystify that once and for all.
Why Women Might Not Ask for What They Really Want
Part of the problem here is that for many people, talking about sex in an open and honest way is not something they have much experience doing.
“Many people, both men and women, shy away from expressing their kinky desires because society teaches us those things are dirty or only ‘certain’ types of people do them,” says Kayla Lords, a sexpert for JackAndJillAdult.com and the founder of LovingBDSM.net. “There’s still a very real stigma around confessing your kinky or sexual desires and many women worry about rejection or ridicule from a partner.”
Gigi Engle, a sex and intimacy expert for SKYN, also notes that no one wants to be judged by their significant other. “We don’t want to ask for something and be told you’re not into it or think we’re gross or weird,” she says.
This is a concept known as “kink-shaming” — the idea that certain sexual desires are weirder or grosser than others. Even if you’re relatively open-minded, you probably find some fetishes strange rather than sexy, and often that leads to certain sex acts, and the people who enjoy them, being made fun of.
RELATED: Here’s What Kink-Shaming Is (And How to Stop Doing It)
Another big part of the problem is that growing up, guys are often expected to be (and encouraged to be) sexual beings, whereas women are often shamed for the same feelings and behavior.
Think about it: A guy who hooks up a lot is a player or a stud; the words for a woman who does the exact same thing are much less kind. Lots of guys will turn their nose up at a woman who isn’t a virgin, but don’t have to worry that they’ll be treated similarly if they aren’t.
There’s a long-standing double standard there that still exists — known as “slut-shaming” — and that factors into things like how comfortable women feel asking for things in bed, even if they really trust the other person.
“Sex isn’t something we’re told we should want,” says Engle, “and if we do, we must be sluts. This kind of thinking makes being an openly sexual woman somewhat difficult and complex. We’re told to be sexy, but not too sexual. Good in bed, but not slutty. It’s a lot of mixed messages.”
Another gendered aspect to this, Engle notes, is that women are often socialized to worry about other people’s wellbeing before their own, and this plays out in sex as well.
“Women are constantly keeping their partner’s egos in check, which means we’re over here trying to make sure our partners feel satisfied without focusing on our pleasure,” she says.
In practice, that means that you could be in a relationship for years and years without ever discovering the kinky things she wants to do in the bedroom.
“A lot of these desires will be repressed and eventually forgotten about if she’s not given the chance to give it a try,” says Mackenzie Riel of TooTimid.com. “You never know what you both may end up enjoying that you never expected.”
How to Talk to Her About Her Kinky Desires
So what do women want in bed? What do women want men to do in bed? To them, for them, with them?
It starts with listening. Regardless of their specific personal desires, the No. 1 thing women want to hear in bed is, “What do you want?”
If you want to know how to be better in bed for her, you don’t start by drawing up a list of kinky things to do during sex. Instead, you start by asking her what she wants to do.
“The next time you’re both relaxing and lying around after sex, ask her if there are any desires or fantasies she has never expressed to you,” says Riel. “It’s that simple. Ask her.”
For starters, this means she doesn’t have to feel weird about bringing it up herself, as well as giving her an opportunity to have a discussion she might feel ready to have but not ready to start.
“If you initiate the conversation, she’ll be more likely to want to open to you about it,” adds Riel, noting that regardless of what she tells you, having a real and honest conversation on the subject can do wonders for a relationship. “Creating a safe place to talk about sex can make the connection between you and your partner that much stronger and deeper.”
That being said, there are ways to screw such a conversation up. If you put too much pressure on her to respond in a certain way, or at all, she might feel attacked rather than supported.
“If you want to learn what she really wants to try or what her sexual fantasies are,” says Lords, “she has to know she’s safe to tell you these things, and you won’t laugh, freak out or use them against her later. She also has to know that you’re willing to communicate with her by both talking about your own kinky desires, and listening when she talks at all.”
RELATED: How to Explain Your Fetish to Your Partner
Of course, discussing it more formally while you’re not having sex might be smarter, but there’s always the chance that the questions will come up in the heat of the moment. If that’s the case, remember that asking or pressuring her to open up about her desires could backfire. If she’s genuinely shy about it, talking could be a lengthy process, and expecting otherwise might not be a great idea.
“If you are curious in the moment, ask her if she’d want to talk about it before sex because there is always the possibility that you may be able to start right then and there,” says Riel. “But just remember the subject still may be uncomfortable for her. Maybe start by expressing some of your potential interests of exploring in the bedroom and go based off how she is reacting. By you being the first to say yours, she may be more open to sharing her own.”
Kinky Things Women Want to Do
Let’s be clear: You should absolutely not assume that she is into any of the below just because you hope it’ll be the case.
“Every woman is different, and the spectrum of possibly kinky fun is vast,” says Lords. “But some fantasies are common among women (and people in general).”
So with that in mind, here are some kinky things to do in bed that many women are into:
“Believe it or not, some women are actually genuinely interested in trying anal sex,” says Riel.
“Although you would think their partner would jump at the chance, there is always the possibility that the idea grosses him out, or perhaps he’d just have no desire to do it. Unfortunately, all you can do in that situation is try bringing it up to your partner and hope for their best. As long as you approach the subject lightly and objectively, your partner will be more likely to potentially hear you out.”
2. Role Play
“Many women often want to engage in role play with their partners but might feel nervous asking for exactly what they want,” says Engle. “No one wants to be judged or to freak their partner out, so she may keep to pretend to be the OB/GYN and give her a pelvic exam to herself.”
3. Domination and Submission
“Some women want to be controlled by their partner, to submit; others want to be in control and dominate,” says Lords.
Exploring domination and submission “can be done in a purely sexual way or as part of a relationship role,” she adds. “Sexy kinky examples include asking for permission to orgasm (as a submissive) or deciding if your partner can orgasm (as a dominant); choosing the pace, position, and type of sex you’ll have, or letting your partner control the moment.”
“Bondage and BDSM have taken over a large part of the sex industry recently,” says Riel. “The curiosity for a lot of women has sparked, and there’s more of an interest in trying kinkier sex acts than before. Some of this is surely thanks to the ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ book/movie series, but it can be an area of sex that your lady may want to dive into and experiment with.”
5. Breath Play
“Choking can be very sexy and can increase sexual arousal and blood flow to the clitoris,” says Engle.
“Place a hand on her neck, applying pressure to the sides, not directly on the esophagus. Use a ‘tap’ system where she can tap you with her hand to say she’s had enough. Choking and breath play should not be taken lightly. You want to be sure you’re doing it right. Go to a class, watch some videos and practice before engaging.”
“If you’ve ever smacked a woman on the ass, and she went wild in a good way, there’s a really good chance she’d be willing to try more spankings,” says Lords. “Some are part of role play (think of a naughty schoolgirl being punished by her teacher) or just because it’s fun and they enjoy the sensation of pain and pleasure.”
7. Having a Threesome
“This can be a woman’s biggest fear when it comes to telling her partner because of the unknown result of said threesome,” says Riel. “There’s always the possibility of jealousy on his part, or her own, when it comes to performing the act. She may be insecure if you bring in another woman, for example, that you may be more sexually satisfied or attracted to her than your own partner. If she expresses an interest in trying it out, give her the peace of mind that you’re willing to do whatever you can to me make her the most confident and comfortable during the experience.”
8. Temperature Play
“Temperature play can be very kinky and hot,” says Engle. “You can grab some ice from the freezer and run it over her nipples, inner thighs, stomach, etc. It’s a simple way to up the ante on arousal and get your body in the mood. You can also get some body-safe massage candles for warm temperature play. Kinksters often use regular candles so they can actually leave marks, but this is not a good idea for beginners. You want something that is meant to be used on skin.”
You Might Also Dig:
- How to Talk About Your Unsatisfying Sex Life
- Top 10 Biggest Fetishes, Revealed
- 10 Things Women Fantasize About Sexually
Why Having A “Male Member” Can Be So Annoying
Flickr / Tiffany Terry Found on AskReddit.
1. When my male dentist has his hands in my mouth.
“When my male dentist has his hands in my mouth so I can’t really close it.”
“I’ve posted this before, but thunderstorms. Something about that heavy electric feeling in the air, the tension before the storm, the actual power of the thunderstorm is a huge turn-on. I have no idea how sex and thunderstorms got linked together in my mind, but it happened sometime during college.”
3. Having to pee.
“Having to pee. This isn’t a hard one to explain anatomically, but if I have to pee really badly and I am talking to a guy, I’ll feel the strongest urge to fuck him.
Once at a concert, I had to pee but didn’t want to leave in the middle of it so I held it in for 15 minutes. I closed my eyes and the need to pee plus the great music literally made me orgasm.”
4. The idea of getting fucked in my underwear.
“The idea of getting fucked in my underwear, like pulling my panties to the side and putting it in.”
5. When my husband takes care of me like a little helpless girl.
“When my husband takes care of me like a little helpless girl. Makes me a meal, tucks me in, etc.”
6. Electricians, welders, construction, you name it.
“Guys in the trades really do it for me. Electricians, welders, construction, you name it. The ones that have to wear those overalls and them work boots… so damn sexy. I’m not sure if it’s because it’s so manly or because they just know how to fix things and make stuff work. Don’t know how their gf/wives don’t jump them the minute they get home from work. I would…”
7. Men in uniforms.
“I really like men in uniforms, which isn’t necessarily super weird. It doesn’t have to be like a military uniform though, I work at a plastic factory and they were dark blue FR pants and light Blue FR shirts with safety glasses and a hard hat. It always gets to me…”
“Hotels reeaalllyyy turn me on. I’ve stayed in nice hotels, and shitty hotels, and I can’t stop thinking about sex in either one. I think it turns me on because other people have probably had sex in that spot before. And I like the super soft sheets.”
9. Men kissing or making out with other men.
“Men kissing or making out with other men. Even men just being bromancy where you know they’re hetero but unafraid of expressing affection for their best friend. I really, really, like that.”
10. Men in skirts.
“I really get off on men in skirts. Mostly kilts, but any skirt or dress will do. Something about the juxtaposition of them being so masculine but in a vulnerable feminine dress gets me off HARD.”
11. Having my feet touched/caressed.
“Having my feet touched/caressed. Not even in a sexual manner. There’s just something so sexy about the way my man rubs my feet, gets me all flustered. Sometimes we’ll just be sitting together and I’ll put my feet in his lap and he’ll tickle the tops of them or softly run his fingers along my soles. Ugh. Drives me crazy.”
12. Teeth and biting.
“Definitely just teeth and biting. A good sharp pair of teeth turns me on and both like biting hard and just mouth stuff makes me flustered. I mentioned it to the girl I like and she told me to put out my hand and then bit it hard enough to leave marks. I was more than red in the face.”
13. Guys being noisy during sex.
“Noises. So many guys are super quiet from years of jerking off in secret. It’s a shame because I ache from just sounds sometimes.”
14. Heavy breathing.
“Heavy breathing. especially trying to cover it up and pretend it’s not happening.”
15. Being in water with my husband.
“Being in water with my husband. Like pools, lakes, the ocean. Idk why, I just get horny af when we are in water together, even if he’s not nearby or paying attention to me! We joke about it a lot.”
16. Having the back of my neck held/massaged.
“Having the back of my neck held/massaged, seriously so good. He’s done it absentmindedly while in public before and I’ve had to stop him because I’m getting all squirmy.”
“Oh man. I recently realized that every time my boyfriend would tickle me, it would lead to sex. I mentioned something to him about it and he said he did it intentionally. So turns out I am turned on by tickling and have a weird Pavlovian thing about it.”
18. Guys trying to conceal their attraction toward me.
“Trying to conceal their attraction toward me. Knowing that they find me attractive and slightly intimidating. I guess that relates to vulnerability. I went to the senior prom with this seemingly dorky guy because I worked with his mom and he needed a date. During our first slow dance, I could feel that he had a boner. I didn’t say anything, just noticed it, but it turned me on so much even though I didn’t really find him attractive. Also, I always went for the shy and quiet ones in the group.”
19. The idea of being caught.
“I always get turned on right before our friends come to our house. I’m sure it has something to do with the idea of being caught.”
20. Shy, nerdy guys.
“I like shy, nerdy guys. I enjoy the challenge and go crazy when I see their sexual side.”
21. Play fighting.
Oh my god, I love it. It’s so hot when he pins me down or if there’s like a struggle over dominance.
It’s really hot when he drives. Especially, if he’s focused. Maybe I feel vulnerable when people drive me around? It turns me on so much.
If he can argue really well is a major turn on. I love it when my man can shut me up verbally. Not in a mean way, just being really clever and confident is so attractive.
Whispering in my ear gets me so bad too. I love the feeling of his breath on my ear. Especially if he’s saying something dirty.
Light touching is the best too. It makes me so jumpy and gives me chills. Fastest way to turn me on. Especially if he knows and subtlety turns me on in public.
Bilingual guys are the hottest things ever. It’s so hot when a guy can speak other languages or uses pet names from another language. Especially if they moan in another language, oh god. I once had an old boyfriend who called me Knca (kitten in Russian). I couldn’t resist him when he called me that.”
22. Playing with my hair.
“Play with my hair. Oh my goodness it’s wonderful.”
23. Having my knees kissed/licked.
“Having my knees kissed/licked. I remember the first time it happened, we weren’t even being sexual, but I was like : ‘…wait, do that again 😏’”
How To Make A Woman Want You Sexually!
What if you knew exactly what women wanted? How to make them desire you intimately and how to make a woman want you sexually? For the most part, men may think that they need to be the hottest guy, have tons of money, or treat them like shit. But let me tell you right now, that’s not the truth!
I am here to shed some light on exactly what women want as I am a woman myself and I have worked with hundreds of women in terms of what they desire in men! In this blog, my goal is to give you the key principles that you can start to incorporate in your life and create more attraction in an existing relationship, or with the woman you’ve started dating. The key here is to understand the difference between how a woman is turned on by a man’s presence vs how a man is turned on by a woman’s presence. Women are completely different when it comes to sparking their sexual desire. We women thrive off of emotion and how you make us feel. The emotional connection is intricately linked to attraction, and don’t underestimate the importance of how you carry yourself!
How to make a girl want you: The most important thing!
You want to create a foundation for earning this woman’s trust and to ensure that she feels comfortable around you. This is where the true magic can happen! When you can be confident enough to really understand this, you have so much more to offer!
You can show a woman respect by understanding her values and asking the profound questions that help you get to know her. Foster intimate connections through your conversations with her to really get to know her.
The way you form an emotional connection is simply by showing up with a confident and determined state of mind. You want to get to know her!
That’s why I created this 2 question manual to get to know a woman’s true self. You can use these questions when you get to know her. The best thing to do is to pay attention and always remember what a woman tells you. This way, you can mention things that she suggested and she will see what type of man you are and that you remember details about her. This is important, especially in the courting stage.
In my experience as a coach, I’ve noticed that many men get confused and think that they have to be all about the woman when they are interested, but as a woman, I am telling you this is completely false! Why? It’s a part of the natural attraction process in the beginning, so not only do you want to make her desire you but you also want to make sure you are staying true to yourself and are not giving all of yourself just to convince her you are worth it.
You have to know you are worth it, and this is exactly what I mean when it comes to maintaining a sense of confidence.
You cannot make a woman be attracted to you if she just does not see you in that way. So, first things first, let’s take a look at the signs a woman is attracted to you and then let’s talk about how to get her attracted to you.
If these techniques do not work, then it’s time to consider the fact that this might not be the woman for you. You can always use this as a lesson to help you understand what you could do differently next time. Perhaps you’re reading this blog now and you end up thinking, “I see what I did wrong in the beginning.” Well, the next step would try to fix things using the suggestions I give you here and if things still don’t change, then it’s time to put your focus on yourself and eventually someone else.
I say this because I see so many men and women every day chasing someone they desire when the other does not desire them. I believe that you need to work towards something that can progress naturally, so how do you do that?
Through observation, awareness, and communication. For the most part, a woman is going to tell you how she feels and it might not be as direct and upfront as you want, but it will be obvious enough to make you aware and integrate it into your plan of action.
2 Tips: How to make a girl want you back when she’s lost interest!
When you’re building trust and an emotional connection with a woman it’s important that you do not lose yourself in the process…
Tip #1: Don’t lose yourself!
You have to make sure you see yourself as a desirable man and put yourself on a pedestal instead of her. In my years of practice, I’ve often seen people fixating on the outcome of something that is a fantasy and they live in a made up reality. It’s called Idealization. If you have a tendency to do this, one of the best things that you can do when you desire a woman is to make sure you do not go above and beyond and lose yourself in the process. This means you’ve got to make sure you’re sticking to your day to day activities and making sure that you are still focused on who you are and what you do.
If this is challenging for you, I really encourage you to download my Master Your Confidence Audio Seminar, which you can use during this process to make sure you stay on track and get this woman to sexually desire you!
#2: The woman must reciprocate!
Another issue that I often see is when men continue to make attempts and initiate when the woman is not reciprocating at all, and if she is, she is doing the bare minimum and it’s making you to question her intentions.
I want to be very clear about something. When you are trying to attract women, you have to understand that you are trying to get to know her and instead of giving her your everything, you have to see if she is willing to receive you and make some kind of effort as well. So, she needs to show up at least 20-30%, especially in the courting period. She should be asking questions about you, texting or calling you, making time for you, and really just getting to know you as well. If this woman is not reciprocating at all and popping in and out from time to time, then she might be using you for attention or is unsure about you. So, this is when you back away.
Don’t be dependent on her!
Signs a woman is sexually attracted to you and how to make her want you even more!
Now, that we got the red flags out of the way let me give you signs on how to make a woman want you sexually when she starts to show interest.
She recognizes that you value yourself
You have a purpose and you are not afraid to take the lead and go after the things that you want in your life. You are opinionated, yet respectful. It shows a sense of strength and is perceived as dominant energy, which by the way is something that we women find to be very attractive! When a woman sees success, happiness, stability, strength, the life that you are building for yourself, and the fact that you are not afraid to say, “Yes” or “No” to her, she is going to continue to want to be part of your life.
Make her feel sexually attracted to you by the way you interact with her
You can have witty banter with her and tease her here and there, but always a respectful manner of course. This builds sexual tension, shows her that you are not scared to be opinionated and it presents an exciting, natural challenge to a woman.
Two examples of this:
Bring masculine energy: make up a nickname for her, lightly tease her and joke with her here and there. Pick up on what she is giving you.
Flirt with her: make it clear that you see her as someone you want to take it to the next level with. You don’t do this by telling her that you want to **&% her! You communicate this to her this by simply showing confidence and flirting with her. Here are some examples;
“Careful with those eyes. I see you checking me out!” Or when she says something that can come off as flirting with you, call her out. “Are you flirting with me?” Then just wink and move on to the next subject. OWN IT!
Building an emotional connection when you want to make her desire you
Women act off of how you make them feel. I talk about this so much in my YouTube videos as this is what gets you sustainable results. I am going to break down what can intensify an emotional connection here.
Paying attention to what she tells you and bringing it up later. Things she likes and things that she has discussed with you. Do things that show her that you are listening to her and are paying attention to the things that she is saying. This is a way you stand out from the crowd.
Flirting with her and asking her deeper questions. Not just about her past, beliefs etc. You don’t always want it to be too serious. Focus building attraction with her so she will begin to desire you sexually. So I’m talking about asking her questions that build a little bit of sexual tension. “Where is your weak spot?” “What do you think about public displays of affection?” This gets her to start thinking about you in a more sexually charged situation, and this can easily spark a sexual desire for you. Asking these types of questions gets her to think of you in a different way.
Simply put, challenge her!
You are probably thinking, ”What in the heck does this mean?”
Well, it means that if you want to make your potential girlfriend want you sexually and emotionally, not only should you state your opinion from time to time, but you should dare her to do things. Make things playful and fun. Dare her and share some competition together. If she is interested in seeing you again and you’ve already taken her out on a couple of dates, then challenge her by saying something like this, “Now it’s your turn to wine and dine me. I want to see what you come up with for our next date! I would like to get a dose of your world.”
Maybe she wants to take you hiking, but let her plan it. That way, you start to challenge her but you also get her thinking that she has to make an effort for you now. This is great when it comes to building attraction and this is something that can work in your favor!
Using these tools in this blog can really transform your overall beliefs when it comes to getting a woman sexually attracted to you. So many men think that they have to lead with sex to get a woman sexually attracted to them, but this is not the truth.
You’ve just got to understand that you can take the lead, especially because women want men to do this. When you have the right mindset for attracting women then you will be great at attracting women. To deepen your knowledge on the subject, I also encourage you to read the blog I wrote about the mindset that attracts women!
As always I love hearing from you. Please feel free to comment if you need more understanding on how to make a woman want you more sexually.
Apollonia Ponti, an international certified coach and founder of apolloniaponti.com. She works with men to attract the woman they desire, build confidence, master their attraction skills and helps rebuild relationships.
You can find her expert advice on “is she using me”, plus a couple other of your core professional services, through her YouTube Channel, and Attract a Woman E-Book.
To get real results with women NOW! Change your life and master your attraction. Book a coaching session here.
At 30 years old, Olive Persimmon had only had sex with two people less than 10 times in her life.
“I didn’t want to be that person anymore,” Persimmon tells NBC News BETTER. “I wanted to be in a relationship, I wanted to find love, I wanted to have good sex.”
She says the lack of intimacy made her determined to become a great lover, but it turned out to not quite be what she expected.
Great sex is about letting go of control
When Persimmon eventually had sex again, all she could think was: “Am I doing this right? Does my body look sexy in this position? What was that weird noise we just made?”
Olive Persimmon, comedian and author of “Unintentionally Celibate”Jon Louie
“I was so very much in my head and judging myself, and judging my partner and trying to figure out what the heck was going on,” Persimmon recalls.
The problem, she says, was she believed being a great lover was about knowing all the “tips, tricks, and positions,” but she realizes now it’s about a lot more.
Great sex is a sensual experience
It’s common for people to see sex as a performance — something they need to get just right, rather than as a sensual experience, according to Sarah Byrden, a sex educator and speaker.
“Pleasure’s not a mechanical thing,” Byrden says. “Pleasure has to include things like communication and relaxation, trust, eye contact… sort of relating , and tuning into something more personal than what we’re supposed to be doing.”
Many couples are fixated on orgasm — both their own and their partner’s — as an end point, Byrden says. She says orgasm is important, but we shouldn’t be overly focused on it.
Sarah Byrden is a sex educator for adults and college studentsMiki Fire
“I want to deconstruct orgasms as a single event that we’re working toward and open it more up to a context of orgasmic pleasure rather than this one goal,” she says.
Get the better newsletter.
Instead of focusing on sex as a performance, Bryden recommends looking at it as playful.
“How turned on can you get without moving straight to the genitals?” she asks. “Can you explore together in a way where you are highly aroused?”
Great sex is about connection
Determined to turn her situation around, Persimmon set out on a journey for sexual self discovery, which she chronicles in her laugh-out-loud book “The Coitus Chronicles: My Quest for Sex, Love, and Orgasms.”
From BDSM classes, to orgasmic mediation sessions, she found out a lot about herself.
What she learned, she says, was that she had a lot of shame around sex, and a huge fear of intimacy that caused her to avoid it.
“I like to be in control, I was kind of a control freak, and I didn’t know how to give up control when it came to sex and dating,” she recalls.
After having sex with her ex-boyfriend that first time, Persimmon talked to him about her insecurities. She says it required her to open herself up to vulnerability, which she’d never done before.
“If you’re in your head and you’re not connecting with your partner, even the right moves are not going to allow your body to relax, and you’re going to experience the most pleasure when your body is relaxed,” she says.
The relationship lasted only a few months, says Persimmon, who recently got out of another, longer term relationship. She says the relationships taught her a lot about the importance of vulnerability and communication.
“It’s a constant battle for me to be more vulnerable, but I’m definitely doing it more than I used to and I think the easiest way to be more vulnerable is through honest communication,” she says.
Your brain wants you to have sex. Here’s how that works.
July 26, 201802:15
Great sex is about loving your own body
How you feel about your body makes a big difference when it comes to allowing yourself to be vulnerable with sexual partners, according to Emily Nagoski, PhD, a sex educator and author of the best-selling book “Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life”.
If you struggle with body confidence, Nagoski recommends an exercise by Drs. Eric Stice and Carolyn Becker called “The Body Project.”
Emily Nagoski is a sex educator and a best-selling author.Jon Crispin
Every day, stand in front of a mirror naked, or as close to naked as you can tolerate, she instructs, and write down everything you like about what you see.
“If it is your eyebrows, write that down,” says Nagoski. “If it is your wrists, write that down. If it is the spirit in your eyes, write that down.”
It may be strange at first, but over time, it will help you notice all the beautiful things about your body.
“What happens is you teach your brain to notice how beautiful your body already is, which helps to immunize you against all the cultural messages that tell you your body is supposed to be different,” Nagoski says.
Great sex is about exploring new things (a “yes, no, maybe” list can help)
Do you want to try new sexual experiences with your partner, but don’t know how to tell them? Maybe you’re afraid they’ll judge you, or it’s just too awkward. If that’s the case, Persimmon recommends this “Yes, No, Maybe” list.
The list contains bedroom activities you might be interested in trying together. Both you and your partner will check what you are definitely willing to try, what you might be willing to try, and anything you definitely are not willing to try. When you’re done filling it out, you can exchange lists and see what you are both interested in.
The list will allow you to explore new possibilities together while maintaining boundaries.
“It’s a starting point for a conversation,” says Persimmon.
MORE RELATIONSHIP ADVICE
- How one couple saved their marriage by asking this simple question
- How to use sexting to improve your marriage
- How thoughtful communication can improve your marriage, according to a divorce attorney
- Why this marriage counselor says a “good enough marriage” is one that lasts a lifetime
Want more tips like these? NBC News BETTER is obsessed with finding easier, healthier and smarter ways to live. Sign up for our newsletter and follow us on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.
Photo: Getty Images
18 is the minimum age (in most jurisdictions, at least) at which you’re legally empowered to have sex, and that makes it the perfect number for our list of things that ladies love about sex with you. What follows isn’t really a how-to. It’s more of a woman’s why-yes.
1. Making Out
Kissing, frenching, snogging, sucking face—the prime mover of the sex world. It can make or break the chances of things going further. Nothing is a bigger turnoff than kissing someone who is haphazard, sloppily drunk, or or who is blind to body language. Strike a balance with the tongue: No tongue at all feels like junior high, too much tongue feels like tenth grade. What’s the right amount? If you have to ask…. Oh, and please close your eyes.
Want to get your woman wet and ready? Start up top. Sucking and (lightly, for most) biting the neck and ear feels incredible, as long as you don’t linger too long. You want your lady to look like she’s been with a master lover, not an extra from True Blood.
Photo: Getty Images
3. The Look in His Eye When He is Ready to Throw Down, Right Then and There
Brutally hot. Some women complain about a guy who is horny all the time, but trust me when I tell you that the opposite is way worse. No one likes a meek lover. And eye contact during the act is always a good idea.
4. Undressing Slowly
When a woman is aroused, she’s confident about the way she looks, and confidence is an attractive trait in a partner. When we’re secure enough to undress piece by teasing piece, the hot factor increases exponentially.
5. The Rule of the Nipple
Women have tits, and we like you to play with them, suck on them and maybe even tease them with your teeth. Our nipples are also often very sensitive, as are the areolae. No twisting, please —unless we ask for it.
6. Foreplay. Lots of Foreplay
We put as much emphasis on the appetizer as we do on the entrée. Let us luxuriate in physical attention all over our bodies, and we’ll lavish that attention back (that’s right, you gotta give it away to get it). So get exploring.
7. Worship of the Clit
Yes, please. A very large number of women do not get vaginal orgasms, no matter how rocking their men are, nor how hard they work. So a man who enthusiastically and expertly manipulates the clitoris will achieve the best of results. And for the men out there who can’t find it: Google Maps.
Photo: Getty Images
8. Seeing Your Dude Get Aroused
We know that most men can get hard sitting on their asses doing nothing, but knowing that you caused that response in him is one of the more exhilarating and sexy feelings a woman can experience.
9. Being Naked with Your Dude
As scary as this can be (for some people), there’s something highly erotic about simply being unclothed and vulnerable.
An entirely personal sensation: a man is inside you, and you feel close to him. Nothing feels better than this. Ever.
No girl wants some random at the gym to sweat all over her, no matter how cute he may be. But to see, feel, and even taste a man’s sweat as he gets worked up in bed can be sublime.
Loud, graphic sex talk can be fun, but impassioned whispers in your ear as he takes you really push women over the edge. Just make sure you don’t say something that ruins the mood, like, “You really look like your mom right now.”
13. When a Man is Too Into It to Even Talk
This is just as good. If all he can manage are some serious grunts and moans, we know we’re doing the job.
14. When a Man Makes You Feel Like a Sex Goddess
It’s super-hot when a man tells you that you know exactly what to do to get him off. Everyone wants to be great in bed. And we’re more than happy to return the favor.
Photo: Getty Images
15. A Hard, Fast Quickie
Remember when we said “foreplay?” Well, every once in a while, we can do without if it means we get an athletic, intense roll in the sack. Especially if we’re super-stressed out.
16. Being on Top
A woman feels empowered being able to ride a man. She dictates the rhythm and motion, and this allows her some control during sex, which can be very sexy.
17. The Orgasm
When this happens (and yes, men, it should be your goal for both of you to get there), it truly is explosive for us. You truly lose yourself for a moment, and the heat and abandon is just right. As for the men’s side of the deal, we women love your fluid. Messy? Yes. Not the best flavor? Oftentimes, no. But for sheer animalistic lust, having a man shoot in or on you is pretty glorious. As long as you are committed or taking precautions, of course.
HPV woman in bed oral sex Getty Images
Photo: Getty Images
Is there a more deeply satisfying feeling in the world than post-coital bliss? Just lying with (or even on) your partner in a sweaty, exhausted, gorgeous mangle of limbs. Also, the coming back down to earth and attendant flood of thoughts and emotions. And, perhaps most important, feeling the connection of sharing something so intimate with someone worth it.
Tips to Improve Your Sex Life
A Harvard Health article
How to Enjoy More Fulfilling Sex
Whether the problem is big or small, there are many things you can do to get your sex life back on track. Your sexual well-being goes hand in hand with your overall mental, physical, and emotional health. Communicating with your partner, maintaining a healthy lifestyle, availing yourself of some of the many excellent self-help materials on the market, and just having fun can help you weather tough times.
Enjoying a satisfying sex life
Sex. The word can evoke a kaleidoscope of emotions. From love, excitement, and tenderness to longing, anxiety, and disappointment—the reactions are as varied as sexual experiences themselves. What’s more, many people will encounter all these emotions and many others in the course of a sex life spanning several decades.
But what is sex, really?
On one level, sex is just another hormone-driven bodily function designed to perpetuate the species. Of course, that narrow view underestimates the complexity of the human sexual response. In addition to the biochemical forces at work, your experiences and expectations help shape your sexuality. Your understanding of yourself as a sexual being, your thoughts about what constitutes a satisfying sexual connection, and your relationship with your partner are key factors in your ability to develop and maintain a fulfilling sex life.
Talking to your partner
Many couples find it difficult to talk about sex even under the best of circumstances. When sexual problems occur, feelings of hurt, shame, guilt, and resentment can halt conversation altogether. Because good communication is a cornerstone of a healthy relationship, establishing a dialogue is the first step not only to a better sex life, but also to a closer emotional bond. Here are some tips for tackling this sensitive subject.
Find the right time to talk. There are two types of sexual conversations: the ones you have in the bedroom and the ones you have elsewhere. It’s perfectly appropriate to tell your partner what feels good in the middle of lovemaking, but it’s best to wait until you’re in a more neutral setting to discuss larger issues, such as mismatched sexual desire or orgasm troubles.
Avoid criticizing. Couch suggestions in positive terms, such as, “I really love it when you touch my hair lightly that way,” rather than focusing on the negatives. Approach a sexual issue as a problem to be solved together rather than an exercise in assigning blame.
Confide in your partner about changes in your body. If hot flashes are keeping you up at night or menopause has made your vagina dry, talk to your partner about these things. It’s much better that he know what’s really going on rather than interpret these physical changes as lack of interest. Likewise, if you’re a man and you no longer get an erection just from the thought of sex, show your partner how to stimulate you rather than let her believe she isn’t attractive enough to arouse you anymore.
Be honest. You may think you’re protecting your partner’s feelings by faking an orgasm, but in reality you’re starting down a slippery slope. As challenging as it is to talk about any sexual problem, the difficulty level skyrockets once the issue is buried under years of lies, hurt, and resentment.
Don’t equate love with sexual performance
Create an atmosphere of caring and tenderness; touch and kiss often. Don’t blame yourself or your partner for your sexual difficulties. Focus instead on maintaining emotional and physical intimacy in your relationship. For older couples, another potentially sensitive subject that’s worth discussing is what will happen after one partner dies. In couples who enjoy a healthy sex life, the surviving partner will likely want to seek out a new partner. Expressing your openness to that possibility while you are both still alive will likely relieve guilt and make the process less difficult for the surviving partner later.
Using self-help strategies
Treating sexual problems is easier now than ever before. Revolutionary medications and professional sex therapists are there if you need them. But you may be able to resolve minor sexual issues by making a few adjustments in your lovemaking style. Here are some things you can try at home.
Educate yourself. Plenty of good self-help materials are available for every type of sexual issue. Browse the Internet or your local bookstore, pick out a few resources that apply to you, and use them to help you and your partner become better informed about the problem. If talking directly is too difficult, you and your partner can underline passages that you particularly like and show them to each other.
Privacy concerns and Internet use
The Internet is a valuable source of all types of information, including books and other products (such as sex toys) that can enhance your sex life. Although it may be obvious, never use your workplace computer to do such searches, to avoid potential embarrassment with your employer, who is likely able to track your search history. People who feel uneasy even about using their home computers and credit cards to order sex-related information or products online might be able to find a nearby store (especially in major cities) and pay with cash.
Give yourself time. As you age, your sexual responses slow down. You and your partner can improve your chances of success by finding a quiet, comfortable, interruption-free setting for sex. Also, understand that the physical changes in your body mean that you’ll need more time to get aroused and reach orgasm. When you think about it, spending more time having sex isn’t a bad thing; working these physical necessities into your lovemaking routine can open up doors to a new kind of sexual experience.
Use lubrication. Often, the vaginal dryness that begins in perimenopause can be easily corrected with lubricating liquids and gels. Use these freely to avoid painful sex—a problem that can snowball into flagging libido and growing relationship tensions. When lubricants no longer work, discuss other options with your doctor.
Maintain physical affection. Even if you’re tired, tense, or upset about the problem, engaging in kissing and cuddling is essential for maintaining an emotional and physical bond.
Practice touching. The sensate focus techniques that sex therapists use can help you re-establish physical intimacy without feeling pressured. Many self-help books and educational videos offer variations on these exercises. You may also want to ask your partner to touch you in a manner that he or she would like to be touched. This will give you a better sense of how much pressure, from gentle to firm, you should use.
Try different positions. Developing a repertoire of different sexual positions not only adds interest to lovemaking, but can also help overcome problems. For example, the increased stimulation to the G-spot that occurs when a man enters his partner from behind can help the woman reach orgasm.
The G-spot, or Grafenberg spot, named after the gynecologist who first identified it, is a mound of super-sensitive spongelike tissue located within the roof of the vagina, just inside the entrance. Proper stimulation of the G-spot can produce intense orgasms. Because of its difficult-to-reach location and the fact that it is most successfully stimulated manually, the G-spot is not routinely activated for most women during vaginal intercourse. While this has led some skeptics to doubt its existence, research has demonstrated that a different sort of tissue does exist in this location.
You must be sexually aroused to be able to locate your G-spot. To find it, try rubbing your finger in a beckoning motion along the roof of your vagina while you’re in a squatting or sitting position, or have your partner massage the upper surface of your vagina until you notice a particularly sensitive area. Some women tend to be more sensitive and can find the spot easily, but for others it’s difficult.
If you can’t easily locate it, you shouldn’t worry. During intercourse, many women feel that the G-spot can be most easily stimulated when the man enters from behind. For couples dealing with erection problems, play involving the G-spot can be a positive addition to lovemaking.
Oral stimulation of the clitoris combined with manual stimulation of the G-spot can give a woman a highly intense orgasm.
Write down your fantasies. This exercise can help you explore possible activities you think might be a turn-on for you or your partner. Try thinking of an experience or a movie that aroused you and then share your memory with your partner. This is especially helpful for people with low desire.
Do Kegel exercises. Both men and women can improve their sexual fitness by exercising their pelvic floor muscles. To do these exercises, tighten the muscle you would use if you were trying to stop urine in midstream. Hold the contraction for two or three seconds, then release. Repeat 10 times. Try to do five sets a day. These exercises can be done anywhere—while driving, sitting at your desk, or standing in a checkout line. At home, women may use vaginal weights to add muscle resistance. Talk to your doctor or a sex therapist about where to get these and how to use them.
Try to relax. Do something soothing together before having sex, such as playing a game or going out for a nice dinner. Or try relaxation techniques such as deep breathing exercises or yoga.
Use a vibrator. This device can help a woman learn about her own sexual response and allow her to show her partner what she likes.
Don’t give up. If none of your efforts seem to work, don’t give up hope. Your doctor can often determine the cause of your sexual problem and may be able to identify effective treatments. He or she can also put you in touch with a sex therapist who can help you explore issues that may be standing in the way of a fulfilling sex life.
Maintaining good health
Your sexual well-being goes hand in hand with your overall mental, physical, and emotional health. Therefore, the same healthy habits you rely on to keep your body in shape can also shape up your sex life.
Exercise, exercise, exercise
Physical activity is first and foremost among the healthy behaviors that can improve your sexual functioning. Because physical arousal depends greatly on good blood flow, aerobic exercise (which strengthens your heart and blood vessels) is crucial. And exercise offers a wealth of other health benefits, from staving off heart disease, osteoporosis, and some forms of cancer to improving your mood and helping you get a better night’s sleep. Also, don’t forget to include strength training.
Don’t smoke. Smoking contributes to peripheral vascular disease, which affects blood flow to the penis, clitoris, and vaginal tissues. In addition, women who smoke tend to go through menopause two years earlier than their nonsmoking counterparts. If you need help quitting, try nicotine gum or patches or ask your doctor about the drugs bupropion (Zyban) or varenicline (Chantix).
Use alcohol in moderation. Some men with erectile dysfunction find that having one drink can help them relax, but heavy use of alcohol can make matters worse. Alcohol can inhibit sexual reflexes by dulling the central nervous system. Drinking large amounts over a long period can damage the liver, leading to an increase in estrogen production in men. In women, alcohol can trigger hot flashes and disrupt sleep, compounding problems already present in menopause.
Eat right. Overindulgence in fatty foods leads to high blood cholesterol and obesity—both major risk factors for cardiovascular disease. In addition, being overweight can promote lethargy and a poor body image. Increased libido is often an added benefit of losing those extra pounds.
Use it or lose it. When estrogen drops at menopause, the vaginal walls lose some of their elasticity. You can slow this process or even reverse it through sexual activity. If intercourse isn’t an option, masturbation is just as effective, although for women, this is most effective if you use a vibrator or dildo (an object resembling a penis) to help stretch the vagina. For men, long periods without an erection can deprive the penis of a portion of the oxygen-rich blood it needs to maintain good sexual functioning. As a result, something akin to scar tissue develops in muscle cells, which interferes with the ability of the penis to expand when blood flow is increased.
Putting the fun back into sex
Even in the best relationship, sex can become ho-hum after a number of years. With a little bit of imagination, you can rekindle the spark.
Be adventurous. Maybe you’ve never had sex on the living room floor or in a secluded spot in the woods; now might be the time to try it. Or try exploring erotic books and films. Even just the feeling of naughtiness you get from renting an X-rated movie might make you feel frisky.
Be sensual. Create an environment for lovemaking that appeals to all five of your senses. Concentrate on the feel of silk against your skin, the beat of a jazz tune, the perfumed scent of flowers around the room, the soft focus of candlelight, and the taste of ripe, juicy fruit. Use this heightened sensual awareness when making love to your partner.
Be playful. Leave love notes in your partner’s pocket for him or her to find later. Take a bubble bath together—the warm cozy feeling you have when you get out of the tub can be a great lead-in to sex. Tickle. Laugh.
Be creative. Expand your sexual repertoire and vary your scripts. For example, if you’re used to making love on Saturday night, choose Sunday morning instead. Experiment with new positions and activities. Try sex toys and sexy lingerie if you never have before.
Read poetry to each other under a tree on a hillside. Surprise each other with flowers when it isn’t a special occasion. Plan a day when all you do is lie in bed, talk, and be intimate. The most important tool you have at your disposal is your attitude about sexuality. Armed with good information and a positive outlook, you should be able to maintain a healthy sex life for many years to come.
Adapted with permission from Sexuality in Midlife and Beyond, a special health report published by Harvard Health Publishing.
FANCY a quickie? Or maybe – if you’re a woman – sex should be more a marathon than a sprint.
New research has revealed that the average woman takes 13 minutes and 25 seconds to reach orgasm, while men take just six minutes.
10 Three brave couples timed themselves having sex to see how long women REALLY take to orgasm
So while Hollywood sex scenes might have actresses writhing in ecstasy in seconds, in the nation’s bedrooms proceedings are a bit more leisurely.
Here, Fabulous Digital asked three couples to time themselves getting jiggy to see how long it took them to reach orgasm – and if one partner was left twiddling their thumbs.
On your marks, get sexy, go…!
‘We have an adventurous sex life and try different positions around our apartment’
Plum Lea, 22, an estate agent from Maidenhead, has been with her university student boyfriend James Thomas, also 22, for eight months.
Plum orgasmed at 8 minutes 29 seconds
James climaxed in 9 minutes 34 seconds
10 Plum and Thomas met on Tinder and had instant sexual chemistryCredit: Stewart Williams – The Sun
Plum said: I met James on Tinder in September 2018. We have sex at least six times a week, and it’s amazing. We usually get jiggy in the evenings and a session lasts around 15 minutes.
We don’t just make love in the bedroom. We’re adventurous and try different positions around our apartment.
I normally always orgasm. It takes me about eight minutes to climax and James is super skilled at ensuring I enjoy myself.
10 Plum and James thought it was exciting to time themselves having sexCredit: Supplied/Alley Einstein
Female orgasm is much more complicated than male orgasm; it requires both external and internal stimulation. The best position for me is being on top as it allows me to control and move my body.
James and I are very in tune. He knows when to help me and when to let me control our love making to ensure I climax.
Once I orgasm its James’ turn, and we normally switch to a different position. I enjoy delightful aftershocks of post-orgasm electricity when he climaxes.
James and I are very in tune. He knows when to help me and when to let me control our love making to ensure I climax
Plum Lea, 22
I think 13 minutes as an average to orgasm for women is a bit high.
I was a little nervous about the stopwatch and worried the pressure may mean I didn’t orgasm, but James never fails to get me in the mood.
Sharing is key. One man I dated just cared about his orgasm and that was plain selfish. James is very aware of my pleasure.
We’re going to use a stopwatch again to see if we can beat our time!
10 Plum thinks 13 minutes is too long for a woman to reach orgasmCredit: Stewart Williams – The Sun
James said: Plum and I were sexually connected right from the beginning. We have always talked about what turns us on and I respect her orgasm as much as I respect mine.
The fact we talk so openly about what we do and don’t like makes orgasming as a couple easier.
I thought eight minutes 29 seconds was a great time for Plum to climax in.
I’d encourage other men to ask their girlfriend what she likes and if she’s getting what she needs, because each person is different. It also makes for better love making.”
‘I’m a gran but feel like an 18-year-old in bed’
Hayley Garbutt, 51, a mum of three and gran of four from Scarborough, has been married to husband Maurice, 54, a groundsman, for 13 years.
Hayley orgasmed at 5 minutes 46 seconds
Maurice climaxed at 6 minutes 56 seconds
10 Hayley Garbett says her sex life has drastically improved as she’s got olderCredit: Stewart Williams – The Sun
Hayley said: Maurice and I vowed never to let our sex life fade, no matter how old we got. I may be a gran but I feel like an energetic 18-year-old in bed.
Maurice and I have sex at least five times a week. We love an early morning ‘wake-up call’ – it gets the day off to a great start.
The length of time we spend love making varies on how busy we are. If we’re having a 10 minute quickie I usually climax after two minutes.
I love doggy style. Nine times out of 10 I’ll enjoy multiple orgasms, Maurice just knows how to turn me on.
10 Hayley says all women over 50 should try timing themselves have sexCredit: Supplied/Alley Einstein
It’s amazing when that happens because I enjoy a solo orgasm first and then another with my man. Maurice finds it sexy that I enjoy love-making so much.
During longer sessions – anything up to 45 minutes – I’ll usually orgasm in five minutes.
We both love skin-to-skin sex and Maurice likes it when I dress up in sexy suspenders and basques. It excites both of us.
I reach climax 95% of the time. We both look forward to sex.
People told me that once I hit 50 I wouldn’t be interested in sex, but we have more sex now than ever before. My orgasms are more intense, too. I’ve learned what works for me.
10 Hayley normally orgasms in five minutes but their sex sessions can last for 45Credit: Stewart Williams – The Sun
I loved timing myself reaching orgasm – it’s not something a 51 year old woman normally thinks to do. Older women should be more open about sex.
I think 13 minutes for a women to orgasm is way too long. It tells me she isn’t relaxed enough and has to work too hard at it.
Nine times out of 10 I’ll enjoy multiple orgasms, Maurice just knows how to turn me on
Hayley Garbett, 51
Maurice said: Sex with Hayley just gets better and better. She is always up for sex and loves being naughty.
She tells me when she has climaxed and she also likes to know what I like. This makes us feel like teenagers. I always make sure the lady orgasms first because that’s just manners!
‘I could have sex two or three times a day’
Tracy Kiss, 31, a personal trainer from Wendover, has been dating boyfriend Freddie Shaw, 28, a financial analyst, for two years.
Tracy climaxed in 13 minutes 25 seconds
Freddie orgasmed in 16 minutes 15 seconds
10 Tracy says boyfriend Freddie was stunned by her sex drive at firstCredit: Stewart Williams – The Sun
Tracy said: I could have sex two or three times a day. I think Freddie thought I was joking at first, but he quickly learned I wasn’t.
Freddie works away from home a lot and always has a lot to do. If he’s too busy to get jiggy I’ll go into the bedroom and spend some ‘alone time’.
I am proud of the fact I can do that. I think women should combine masturbation and sex with a partner to ensure they experience different kinds of orgasms.
Solo sex sessions are quicker than those with a partner – it only takes me around five minutes on my own.
10 Freddie ensures Tracy’s needs are met before his ownCredit: Supplied/Alley Einstein
One time Freddie walked in while I was in the middle of masturbating. He found it super sexy and we enjoyed a spontaneous afternoon of sex.
Orgasms with Freddie are better than orgasms from masturbation, though. We have regular sex MOT’s where we talk openly about sex and positions we’d like to try. It stops things being boring.
We like to have sex in the evenings when my kids are asleep. We both go to the gym a lot and sex after workout, when we’re pumped up and sweaty, is incredible.
We have regular sex MOT’s where we talk openly about sex and positions we’d like to try
Tracy Kiss, 31
As we were timing ourselves we each wanted to show off. We love a challenge and found timing ourselves brought out our competitive spirit. I wanted to beat the 13 minute mark!
Usually I climax in six to 14 minutes with Freddie. I prefer doggy style and have the most intense orgasms when we are having sex and I am using a vibrator externally.
Once I have orgasmed Freddie usually comes within two to three minutes afterwards. He likes a range of positions including spooning, doggy or even with me standing up and leaning over a table or bed.
10 The couple have been together for two yearsCredit: Stewart Williams – The Sun
Freddie and I have an amazingly open relationship. If women are not orgasming they need to talk to their GP and their partner.
Orgasming can take longer if you’re stressed, but you have to talk to your partner.
Many women are scared to open up about orgasm. They feel its taboo and shouldn’t be discussed.
Freddie said: Tracy has been open about her high sex drive. We make it a rule to have regular sex MOT chats to ensure we’re both satisfied in bed. It’s amazing having such an open relationship.
I always want her to climax first – that’s why it takes me longer. As a bloke, being able to control your orgasms is important to ensure your partner is satisfied. I’m not ashamed by it.
I ran a million-pound company at 19 after starting a fake nails business aged 13
GOING TO THE MC-GYM
Katie McGlynn weight loss – how did the Corrie actress lose weight?
Homemade doner kebabs are the latest viral trend and making them couldn’t be easier
BEDDER BELIEVE IT
Woman makes giant bed out of two divans and she’s hailed as a ‘genius’
Mum gives her bathroom a makeover for just £30 using grey paint and Fablon
Mum transforms tired kitchen using £3 The Range wallpaper & Wilko paint Love Island boys are shocked by how often women orgasm in Sex Ed Quiz
Men should also realise if they ask a women what helps her reach an orgasm it isn’t admitting they are a bad lover. In fact it is showing they are a caring lover who wants to make the ‘couples’ sex life sizzling.
In more relationship news, this billionaire matchmaker reveals the top 10 places YOU need to go to nab a rich man – including posh supermarkets.
While this woman set a Facebook honeytrap to catch her man – he missed their baby scan to flirt with ‘her’ then sent nudes.
WEDNESDAY, July 10, 2019 (HealthDay News) — More than biology is at play when it comes to why older women have less sex as they age.
A number of psychological factors contribute to the drop in libido, a new study claims.
Those factors include body image concerns, self-confidence, perceived desirability, stress, mood changes and relationship issues.
Previous research has focused mostly on biological causes of reduced sexual activity in older women, such as hot flashes, sleep disruption, vaginal dryness and painful intercourse.
This new study included nearly 4,500 postmenopausal women in the United Kingdom enrolled in a trial of ovarian cancer screening.
Before the start of annual screening, about half of the women were sexually active, but there was a decrease in all areas of sexual activity over time. Sexual activity was less frequent, not as pleasurable, and more uncomfortable.
The main reason for no sexual activity was the lack of a partner, mainly due to widowhood, according to the study.
Other commonly reported reasons for decreased sexual activity included: partner’s medical condition; partner’s sexual dysfunction; the woman’s own health problems; menopause-related symptoms, and prescribed medications.
The most commonly reported reasons for low libido were: relationship problems; logistics, and perceptions of aging. Only 3% of the women in the study described positive sexual experiences, and only 6% sought medical help for sexual problems.
The study was published online July 10 in Menopause, the journal of the North American Menopause Society (NAMS).
“Sexual health challenges are common in women as they age, and partner factors play a prominent role in women’s sexual activity and satisfaction, including the lack of a partner, sexual dysfunction of a partner, poor physical health of a partner, and relationship issues,” said Dr. Stephanie Faubion, NAMS medical director.
“In addition, menopause-related problems such as vaginal dryness and pain with sex have been identified as problems affecting sexual function, yet few women seek treatment for these issues, despite the availability of effective therapies,” she said in a journal news release.
Are you in a relationship with a woman more than a few years your senior, or do you just dream of having sex with an older woman and wonder what it would be like? The relationship – or sex – can be rewarding, if you know what to expect.
8 Tips for Sex With an Older Woman
All women are different, no matter their age. Open communication is the key to a fulfilling sexual relationship.
1. Embrace the Age Gap
If you’re in a new relationship or you’re looking to have sex with an older woman, keep in mind how different views on sex could be exacerbated by an age gap. A young man looking to “hook up” may not have the same outlook on sex as an older woman looking for a committed relationship. Men think of sex as a physical connection primarily, but women think of it as an emotional and physical one.
2. Consider Past Relationships
An older woman may even wonder if it’s OK to be interested in someone much younger, so she could question her wishes to have sex with a younger man even if their relationship has been building over time. If she’s recently divorced, she may wonder how soon is too soon to be interested in having sex with someone else-and fear that her interest in a much younger man is inappropriate or related to getting over the shock and pain of divorce. If a past relationship is still fresh in her mind, the progression to a sexual relationship with you might happen slower.
3. Make Sure She Feels Good About Her Body
Because everything isn’t necessarily as taut and toned as before, an older woman may feel uncomfortable revealing her naked body to her younger lover for the first time, or even every time. For men, the key is to focus on her whole body and make sure you tell her you like what you see. For the older woman, the trick is lingerie! Not only will it intensify the intimacy, but a well-placed undergarment can instantly enhance and hide the parts of your body that you choose.
4. Reassure Yourself the Relationship Is Acceptable
Unless a person is under legal age, there is nothing wrong with having sex with a younger man. However, be aware of the challenges – both in your feelings and others. Remind yourself that age is only in your mind!
5. Take Your Time
Sex with an older woman should be slower and more thoughtful. No longer are you needing to find time for a “quickie!” Enjoy the leisurely pace.
6. Wisdom Is Sexy
An older woman has been around the block a few times when it comes to sex. She knows what she likes, and she knows a few tricks. Make sure to let her take the lead and show you what she can do.
7. Changing Hormones Come Into Play
Older women do respond to sex different from younger women, but it is not consistent. For some, they become significantly more interested as hormones shift. Others find themselves less interested due to dryness issues or other discomforts. Don’t expect an older woman to have a specific sex drive. There is not a one size fits all when it comes to changing hormones.
8. They Know What They Want
Older women know how to flirt, they have years of practice. They also know how to be clear if they want sex or not. Whatever signals she sends – that is what she wants. All you have to do is ask her, and you will get a clear answer.
Older women may experience arthritis or general aches and pains later in the day or may awaken feeling stiff from the night’s sleep. Talk to her about what time of day is most comfortable for her in general and plan your intimacy for those times. She’ll be more likely to feel amorous (and more flexible!) during those peak hours of the day.
Even if a woman is past the age of childbearing and can’t get pregnant, she is still susceptible to sexually transmitted diseases, no matter her age. Older women may have STDs that have laid dormant for years and can pass these along unknowingly to present partners. Condoms are still a good idea when having sex with an older woman, not as pregnancy prevention, but for STD protection.
Enjoy Your Relationship
If you are an older woman interested in pursuing a relationship with a younger guy, know that it is completely acceptable, but also be aware of the challenges. If you’re a young man involved with an older woman, understand that you may need to go out of your way to quell her fears about her body or the longevity of your relationship. Take time to get to know each other and commit on physical and emotional levels, and you can both feel completely fulfilled and happy within your intimate relationship.