How to stimulate a man with erectile dysfunction?

Erectile dysfunction can take a toll on a relationship. You’ll want to support and encourage your partner as he manages his condition. It’s also important to take care of yourself, too.

Start with these strategies.

  1. Learn as much as you can about ED. The more you know, the better prepared you’ll be able to help your partner. You can talk about the lifestyle changes and medical treatments that could help.
  2. Let him know how much you value him. Remind him that ED isn’t a reflection on his masculinity, and that it hasn’t changed how you feel about him. Assure him that you’ll get through this together.
  3. Talk about how you feel. You’re affected, too. Just like anything else that’s going on in your relationship, it can help to talk about it.
  4. Stay positive. Discuss what you and your partner want and need and how to achieve it. Also, keep in mind that the condition is common and can be treated.
  5. Adjust your sex life. Find other ways to please and satisfy each other so that he doesn’t feel pressured to perform.
  6. Offer to go with him to the doctor. Even if he decides to go on his own, he’ll know you want to be there for him.
  7. Remind him to let his doctor know how he’s doing. Is his treatment working? Does he have questions or side effects? Encourage him to update his doctor about that.
  8. Keep up the other intimate parts of your relationship. Feeling close to each other can include more than sex. You may also want to talk to a counselor, if the changes related to ED are worrying the two of you.

4. Be patient — with yourself and with her. Sex therapists have a saying: “What young men want to do all night takes older men all night to do.” Reframe that truism just a bit, however, and you discover a boon to older sex: A perennial complaint of younger women has to do with young men who rush into genital play before the woman feels warmed up and receptive. An older man’s slower pace of arousal dovetails nicely with what women prefer, enhancing erotic compatibility. So before either of you reaches for your partner’s undercarriage, cuddle and kiss playfully: Use slow, sensual massage to touch each other all over, from scalp to toes. After 30 minutes or so, she’s likely to feel sufficiently aroused to enjoy genital play. (And chances are good that you will, too.)

5. Embrace the new. What makes the early months of a love affair so passionate? Dopamine. This brain chemical, a neurotransmitter, spikes when people fall in love. But your dopamine levels return to normal after a year or so; this may make arousal problematic for an older man. To reclaim the ever-ready excitability of early romance, use novelty to boost your dopamine levels (and thus enhance arousal). This is why sex therapists urge couples to add new elements to their sex lives, such as making love in a new way, or at a different time, or in a different place. A romantic weekend getaway might present the perfect opportunity to achieve all three.

6. Tweak your fantasies. Sex is built on friction and fantasy. Most people are familiar with the friction, but some feel uncomfortable with fantasies, where everything’s permitted and nothing’s taboo — including acts you would never perform in real life. So if you’re having arousal difficulties, let your imagination go wild.

One of the most common erotic fantasies is having sex with someone who is not your regular partner. Some women condemn such “mental unfaithfulness,” but if visions of an old flame heat your blood, there’s no harm in daydreaming. Many men — including older guys struggling with arousal — get turned on by pornography (men over 45 constitute 41 percent of the Internet porn audience). Again, no harm in that, as far as I’m concerned — so long as your viewing of X-rated material to get aroused doesn’t grow compulsive.

Also of interest: How sex changes for men after 50.

Former Playboy adviser Michael Castleman answers your sex questions free of charge at GreatSexAfter40.com.

If you went looking for this article, your man suffers with erectile dysfunction (ED), and you want to know how to best support him.

First of all, I want you to know that this is a very common issue in relationship. ED is something the majority of men over the age of 25 struggle with, at least intermittently.

Second, thank you.

This shit isn’t easy for guys. Having a partner who responds with love, support, and seeking out positive strategies is sincerely a remarkable gift.

How the partner handles it makes a huge difference. I’ve heard countless stories from gun-shy, nervous men who have been shamed, blamed, and made fun of by past and present partners for not being able to get it up. And it’s not something they’ll ever forget. All that response does is build tension and fear in him, which only makes him spiral into his mind, avoid sex, and ultimately makes the problem much worse.

So, how can you do things differently? What steps can you take to support him?

Without further ado, here are six tips for helping your man through erectile dysfunction.

1. Don’t take it personally

It’s not about you. Don’t go on a head-trip worrying about what you did wrong, or whether or not you turn him on. The voices might be saying something like:

“He’s not attracted/in to me…”

“He’s bored with me…”

“I’m not sexy enough for him…”

“He thinks my (whatever you judge most about yourself) is gross and he’s just not willing to say it…”

This is rarely ever the case. If he’s with you, he’s with you for a reason. In fact, it’s more often the case that he so badly wants to get it up/is so attracted to you, that this intention overshadows his ability to relax and be in his body.

In it’s simplest form, if your partner is between the ages of 20-60, intermittent erectile dysfunction usually comes down to high stress levels and/or cardiovascular issues.

Indulging in your own insecurities, while he’s neck deep in his, creates two triggered people who are (at best) silently caught up in their stories, and (at worst) lashing out at each other and making each other wrong to mask their pain. This sets up an incredibly volatile situation where neither person is able to hold space for the other, or truly listen, usually resulting in mutually hurt feelings and disconnection.

Whether it’s the right thing to do or not, men invest so much personal stock in their ability to please their partner and perform in the bedroom. We’re raised to believe that our worth comes from what we do, rather than who we are. Not being able to get it up makes us feel inadequate, like we’ve failed at the one thing we should be able to do – help make you happy.

Since sexuality is the most vulnerable and intimate arena of our lives, erectile issues can trip our deepest core wounds around self-worth and lovability. As you’ve probably noticed, we can get very sensitive, melancholy, or even defensive when this comes up (or, rather, when it doesn’t come up).

Do your best to remember this in the moment. Set your story aside and get curious about his thoughts and feelings. Men aren’t exactly notorious for their emotional literacy, so it may take him some time. Stay relaxed, and…

2. Be supportive and loving

Empathy is the most crucial tool you can deploy here.

If he can’t get hard, respond with affection, patience, and understanding. Deep down, in that moment, he’s secretly worrying about upsetting you and negatively affecting what you think of him.

He might fear that you resent him. That you are dissatisfied with him. That you’re thinking of leaving him for someone who can get it up flawlessly, 100% of the time.

You can combat that knee-jerk emotional reflex by gently expressing unconditional love.

“That’s okay baby, I don’t care, I just like being naked with you…”

“I don’t know what your busy mind is conjuring up for you right now, but I want you to know that I’m not upset with you in the slightest, and I love you so much.”

In this situation, very few guys are ever met with such total acceptance and positivity. And even when they are, they may have trouble actually receiving it and feeling it. Our most vulnerable and sensitive moments are opportunities for deep healing. This would definitely be one of them. Being loved through his erectile issues may even help solve the problem.

The value of being able to swap out the fear based internal dialogue of, “Wow, I must really be a worthless piece of shit if I can’t do the only thing that my partner expects of me,” with the real-time, auditory feedback of, “I love you… you’re safe… there’s nothing to do or fix right now. I just want to be here with you,” can not be overstated.

At the very least, it will massively diminish any sense of insecurity and concern around the issue.

Be kind. Be present with him. Chill out for a minute. Then switch it up from a place of love and exploration, rather than trying to fix or repair something.

3. Find other ways to connect

Sex is a primary way men connect emotionally with their partner. Feeling like that means of connection has been undermined or sabotaged can be incredibly frustrating. This can bring up sadness and/or anger for the ED sufferer.

An erection is part of sex, but it’s definitely not everything. Find other ways to be with him in the moment. For example:

– Lay on him and softly caress his arms and chest

– Cuddle

– Kiss

– Do oral anyways. Not in an attempt to make it hard, just to let him feel some pleasure and receive your energy (he may be a little too sensitive and stuck in his head to enjoy this, but encourage him to breathe and simply receive whatever pleasure he feels)

– Ask him to go down on you for a while

– Do some of the tips/techniques/exercises laid out in this article

– or…

4. Talk about it

It’s nice to take initiative and try creative solutions, but it’s usually best for both of you if you don’t play any guessing games.

Ask him if he needs anything from you, or how you can help him relax. He may just want to voice what’s on his mind, cuddle, or distract himself from sex a little altogether.

If you’re having feelings of unworthiness or frustration come up in response to him not getting it up, it might be best to save that conversation for another time – outside the bedroom (and by another time I don’t mean let it silently simmer for several days… but rather, mention it to him an hour later and just reality check your fears with him. “I know this probably isn’t true, but I’m having a hard time not making what happened mean something about me. You still find me attractive right? I’m just making sure”).

The primary thing most guys will be feeling in this situation is shame. It’s a very sensitive place to be. This is the time to help him work his way out of it, not risk pushing him further into it.

In such a delicate place, he might tend to make your message mean that he’s a burden, or wrong in some way, for having this issue. If he’s preoccupied with that, he won’t have the capacity to fully hear you out and give the conversation the attention it deserves.

Use some non-sexual leisure time to broach the subject and voice your feelings. Don’t point the finger, simply state your inner dialogue and ask for support. Maybe you need him to assure you he loves you, or perhaps you want him to consider a mutual solution (like 69’ing, mutual masturbation, or him going down on you).

5. Encourage him to be proactive with his health

Erectile dysfunction can be created (or exacerbated) by unhealthy habits like smoking, drinking alcohol, eating high amounts of processed foods, or lack of exercise.

If your partner smokes or drinks, encourage him to break these habits. If he rarely/never exercises, start making date nights around sharing physical exercise together.

Ultimately, what is good for his heart health is good for his penile health. And what is good for his health is good for your shared sex life.

Besides, if he is carrying excess stress in his body, regular exercise will not only make his overall cardiovascular health better, it will also make his mind healthier.

In other words, he’ll be less prone to getting anxious about performing in the first place, and when his penis doesn’t rise to the occasion, he’ll be less likely to get down on himself about it since his mind will be more relaxed to begin with.

6. Formulate a plan

Ask him what he wants if it happens again in the future. What would make him feel good and at ease about the situation?

Some guys might want to talk, while others might want to just focus on pleasuring you. Another may want to exchange massages for a while.

Everyone will be different. But only they can know and speak for themselves. It’s possible he won’t have any ideas, and feel a bit lost. Just lay with him, or ask if you can experiment a little bit.

Let him know that you’re always open to trying something, and it would make you happy to know if there’s anything you can do.

In the end, know that you’re an amazing partner, and you are not alone. Millions of couples around the world deal with ED every single day.

Stay open and be patient. The solutions will fall into place in time.

Dedicated to your success,

Jordan

Ps. If you enjoyed this article, you will also love checking out:

– Clearing: The Single Greatest Connection Exercise For Couples

– 5 Questions To Ask Your Partner For Better Sex

– 6 Connection Exercises For Couples To Build Intimacy

– 10 Questions To Ask To Go Deep In Your Relationship

– The 6 Best Herbs And Supplements For Boosting Sex Drive

– 5 Ways To Stay Attracted To A Partner You’ve Been With For Years

Alternatives for Men
Hand massage of the penis is key to sex without intercourse. Many men over 50 often get a firm erection during solo sex but find that a partner’s strokes do not achieve the same effect. Why? Because women may not appreciate exactly how men like to be fondled. The solution? Men can show women what they want. This may feel awkward for both partners at first, but it helps the woman provide precisely what the man desires.

Fellatio is another cornerstone of great sex without intercourse. Oral sex can provide men with great pleasure — even if the penis is only partially erect.

Contrary to myth, a full erection is not necessary for ejaculation and orgasm. If men receive sufficiently vigorous stimulation, it’s still quite possible for them to have a marvelous orgasm with only a partial erection (or even a flaccid penis).

Couples trying sex without intercourse might also experiment with a penis sleeve — an artificial vagina or mouth that, when lubricated, feels much like the real thing. Sold by sex-toy marketers, penis sleeves are easy to incorporate in partner lovemaking. They are recommended for men whose erections are neither firm nor persistent enough for vaginal intercourse.

Alternatives for Women
Not only are hand massage and cunnilingus readily available to couples who can’t manage intercourse, they’re also more likely to bring women to orgasm. Only 25 percent of all women are reliably orgasmic during intercourse. That means three-quarters of women of all ages must have direct clitoral stimulation to experience orgasm.

When men have iffy erections, women can use a dildo or vibrator to achieve that filled-up feeling. Women might use these toys on themselves as their partner watches or gently caresses them. Or men might gently slide well-lubricated toys into their well-lubricated partners. To more closely replicate intercourse, men might also try wearing a strap-on dildo. Sex-toy marketers offer dildos, vibrators and strap-ons.

Great Sex for Life
After decades of straight-down-the-fairway intercourse, it can be a challenge to discover the joys of reaching the green without it. This is a transition that will require both physical and emotional adjustments. But once you master the techniques, you’ll be on the road to mutually fulfilling lovemaking for the rest of your lives.

Note: Some people object to oral sex and/or sex toys, and that’s just fine; no one should feel pressured to have sex in ways that cause distress. Older couples interested in customizing sex to their individual tastes might consult a sex therapist. Recommendations are available from the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists; the Society for Sex Therapy and Research; and the American Board of Sexology.

Erectile Dysfunction

Dr. Drogo Montague discusses treatment options for erectile dysfunction.

What is erectile dysfunction (ED)?

Erectile dysfunction (ED) is the inability to get and keep an erection firm enough for sexual intercourse. Estimates suggest that one of every 10 men will suffer from ED at some point during his lifetime. It is important to understand that in most cases, ED is a symptom of another, underlying problem. ED is not considered normal at any age, and may be associated with other problems that interfere with sexual intercourse, such as lack of desire and problems with orgasm and ejaculation.

How common is erectile dysfunction?

Approximately one in 10 adult males will suffer from ED on a long-term basis.

Many men do experience occasional failure to achieve erection, which can occur for a variety of reasons, such as drinking too much alcohol, stress, relationship problems, or from being extremely tired.

The failure to get an erection less than 20% of the time is not unusual and typically does not require treatment. However, the failure to achieve an erection more than 50% of the time generally means that there is a problem and treatment is needed.

ED does not have to be a part of getting older. While it is true that some older men may need more stimulation, they should still be able to achieve an erection and enjoy intercourse.

What causes erectile dysfunction (ED)?

ED can be caused by a number of factors, including:

  • Vascular disease: Blood supply to the penis can become blocked or narrowed as a result of vascular disease such as atherosclerosis (hardening of the arteries).
  • Neurological disorders (such as multiple sclerosis): Nerves that send impulses to the penis can become damaged from stroke, diabetes, or other causes.
  • Psychological states: These include stress, depression, lack of stimulus from the brain and performance anxiety.
  • Trauma: An injury could contribute to symptoms of ED.

Chronic illness, certain medications, and a condition called Peyronie’s disease can also cause ED. Operations for the prostate, bladder, and colon cancer may also be contributing factors.

What medications could cause erectile dysfunction (ED)?

Erectile dysfunction (ED) is a common side effect of a number of prescription drugs. While these medications may treat a disease or condition, in doing so they can affect a man’s hormones, nerves or blood circulation, resulting in ED or increasing the risk of ED.

If you experience ED and think that it may be a result of the medication you are using, do not stop taking the medication. If the problem persists, contact your doctor and he or she may be able to prescribe a different medication. Common medications that may list ED as a potential side effect include:

  • Diuretics (pills that cause increase urine flow).
  • Antihypertensives (high blood pressure drugs).
  • Antihistamines.
  • Antidepressants.
  • Parkinson’s disease drugs.
  • Antiarrhythmics (drug for irregular heart action).
  • Tranquilizers.
  • Muscle relaxants.
  • Nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drugs.
  • Histamine H2-receptor antagonists.
  • Hormones.
  • Chemotherapy medications.
  • Prostate cancer drugs.
  • Anti-seizure medications.

Other substances or drugs that can cause or lead to ED include these recreational and frequently abused drugs:

  • Alcohol.
  • Amphetamines.
  • Barbiturates.
  • Cocaine.
  • Marijuana.
  • Methadone.
  • Nicotine.
  • Opiates.

These drugs not only affect and often suppress the central nervous system, but can also cause serious damage to the blood vessels, leading to permanent ED.

What prescription drugs may cause erectile dysfunction?

Erectile dysfunction (ED) is a common side effect of a number of prescription drugs. While these medications may treat a disease or condition, in doing so they can affect a man’s hormones, nerves or blood circulation. The result may be ED or an increase in the risk of ED.

If you have ED and think that it may be a result of the medication you are using, do not stop taking the medication. If the problem persists, contact your doctor and he or she may be able to prescribe a different medication. Common medications that may list ED as a potential side effect include:

  • Diuretics (pills that cause an increase in urine flow).
  • Antihypertensives (medication for high blood pressure).
  • Antihistamines.
  • Antidepressants.
  • Parkinson’s disease drugs.
  • Antiarrhythmics (medication for irregular heart action).
  • Tranquilizers.
  • Muscle relaxants.
  • Non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drugs.
  • Histamine H2-receptor antagonists.
  • Hormones.
  • Chemotherapy medications.
  • Prostate cancer drugs.
  • Anti-seizure medications.

What other substances or drugs may cause erectile dysfunction?

Other substances or drugs that can cause or lead to ED include these recreational and frequently abused drugs:

  • Alcohol.
  • Amphetamines.
  • Barbiturates.
  • Cocaine.
  • Marijuana.
  • Methadone.
  • Nicotine.
  • Opiates.

Aside from the well-known complications that the use and abuse of these drugs can cause, ED is not often mentioned. However, use of these drugs is a risk factor for ED. These drugs not only affect and often times slow down the central nervous system, but can also cause serious damage to the blood vessels, leading to permanent ED.

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  • Injection therapy. This is an effective and reliable way of producing an erection with drugs but, understandably, many men don’t like sticking a needle into their penis every time they have sex. When injected, the drug (most commonly alprostadil, commonly known as Caverject and Viridal), relaxes the blood vessels and muscles, allowing increased blood flow and producing an erection within 15 minutes.
  • MUSE (medicated urethral system for erection). This method also uses alprostadil, but this time it’s administered by means of a small pellet inserted into the urethra, the opening to ther penis, via a single-dose, disposable plastic applicator.
  • Vacuum pumps. The penis is inserted into a clear plastic cylinder and the air is pumped out, creating a vacuum. The penis fills with blood and, when it’s hard enough, a plastic constricting ring is placed around the base of the penis to trap the blood. There are few side-effects (apart from occasional slight bruising) and the devices work for more than 90% of men. Many men find the process too unnatural and intrusive, however, and prefer to try other methods of tackling ED.
  • Hormonal supplements. Testosterone can be given to men in the relatively few cases where low levels are the cause of ED, especially if they also have low sexual desire. Before taking testosterone, always insist that your doctor measures your testosterone level to confirm that it really is low.
  • Penile implants. Now that so many other effective treatments have become available, implants are only now used as a last resort. A mechanical device is surgically inserted into the penis. It can be either permanently rigid or have a hydraulic action, operated via a valve in the scrotum.
  • Sex therapy. Whatever the cause or treatment of their ED, many men could benefit from counselling or therapy. In fact, the best treatment centres provide it as a matter of course. Sex therapy will be particularly necessary if the ED has psychological causes which can’t actually be “cured” with physical treatments. If a man has ED as a result of emotional conflict with a partner, for example, providing him with a drug that produces an erection isn’t going to resolve that conflict; in fact, it might even make it worse. Men whose ED has a physical cause may also have lost a great deal of self-esteem and sexual confidence which sex therapy could help restore. It usually makes sense to also involve any permanent partner in sex therapy since the loss, as well as the restoration, of a man’s erectile functioning will almost inevitably profoundly affect their relationship.
  • How can I help myself?
    • Share your worries. No, you don’t have to tell your work colleagues about your penis problems, but it will help enormously if you can talk to someone you trust. It’s particularly important to communicate with your partner. Some men try to deal with their ED by hiding it from their partner and make all sorts of excuses not to attempt sex. This can cause feelings of confusion and rejection as well as suspicions that you’re having an affair. You best bet is to be as open and honest as possible with your partner and ask for support.
    • Place less emphasis on intercourse and more on developing other forms of sexual intimacy. Spending time cuddling, kissing, licking and massaging can still be pleasurable and will help keep you emotionally close to your partner.
    • Don’t try and treat yourself by seeking out pornography, or by asking a partner to wear erotic clothing or act out your fantasies. This almost certainly won’t work and could leave you feeling even more upset.
    • Don’t be tempted to buy herbal supplements or so-called aphrodisiacs through the Internet or magazine advertisements. You can’t be sure what you’re getting and these remedies are very unlikely to work.
    • Don’t blame yourself for your ED. It’s a health problem and not a reflection of your masculinity. Don’t be tempted to blame your partner either.
    What’s the outlook?

    There’s an excellent chance that your erections can be restored through one of the increasingly wide range of treatments now available but the psychological scars may take longer, and be more difficult, to heal.

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