- How to Fall Back in Love With Your Partner
- How to Regain Broken Trust in a Relationship
- How the COME FORTH Formula rebuild trust in a relationship
- For the offender: COME
- For the Victim: FORTH
- Hitting the reset button on the relationship
- How To Rekindle Your Relationship And Fall In Love Again
- Here are some ideas on how to rekindle your relationship and fall in love again:
- Let’s talk about sex (after 50)
- Daily sex for a year? Here’s what she learned
- 1. Boost your dopamine —together.
- 2. Kiss more often.
- 3. Remember what it was like when you first met.
- 4. Make a list of sexual possibilities.
- 5. Keep the mystery alive.
- Hoda and Jenna share top ‘ridiculous relationship goals’ from romcoms
- 6. Get in touch with your own sexuality.
- 7. Seek out a sex coach.
- 1. Do something to make your partner’s life better.
- 2. Spend time away from each other.
- 3. Ask yourself what they need.
- 4. Spend more present time with them.
- 5. Have silly time together.
- 6. Stop and notice your S.O.
- 7. Take turns planning surprise date nights.
- 8. List the ways your partner has made your life better.
- How To Bring Love Back Into Your Dying Relationship
- How you can bring love back into your dying relationship
How to Fall Back in Love With Your Partner
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It’s perfectly normal to have times when you feel more or less in love with your partner. Yet, it’s painful to have lulls in a relationship that leave you feeling hopeless or questioning its future. At these times, even if you have lists of issues you know are causing problems with your partner, it can still somehow be hard to pinpoint why you lost the loving feelings that once overcame you. You may still “love” the person. You may still want it to work with him or her. But you just can’t seem to access that free flow of fondness, that ease of give and take, that made you light up and look forward to each day you’d spend together.
Couples often lose a lot of these vital feelings of love and affection when they forego real love for a fantasy bond and its illusion of fusion and safety, a process I’ve described in previous blogs. Here, I want to talk about proactive actions you can take to reconnect with what you felt when you fell in love, actions that break a fantasy bond and prove that real love is still alive and accessible.
1. Resist entering a critical mode.
At some point, any person in a relationship can find themselves observing their partner through a critical lens. This lens can be clearly distorted: for example, when you find yourself cringing at the way your partner clears his throat, or feeling overly annoyed when she needs to run back in the house for something she forgot. You can also start magnifying or zeroing in on your partner’s mistakes, cataloguing their flaws, and building a case. It is way too easy when you live at close quarters with someone to pick them apart and get annoyed at some of their habits. After all, you know them pretty well. But the truth is, your partner probably always had these qualities, even when you first fell in love.
The real reason people get so critical with someone they love actually goes much deeper. For one thing, people tend to project negative traits of their parents or early caretakers onto their partners. They also tend to assume their partner will act in the same ways that hurt them in the past. They often read or misread their partner’s words and actions. They even distort or provoke their partner to act in ways that feel disappointing and frustrating, yet familiar. This process of projection, distortion, and actual provocation of one’s partner is driven by listening to the “critical inner voice.”
The critical inner voice is an internal enemy that coaches you and puts both you and your partner down. Because its goal is to sabotage and distance you from others, it tends to be especially critical toward the people to whom you’re closest. Of course, your partner is human and has real flaws, but your critical inner voice isn’t there to help you rationally talk out these issues. Instead, it exaggerates and offers poor advice on how to handle problems. For example, if you feel like your partner hasn’t been available, rather than opening up to your partner, your critical inner voice may chime in with comments like, “You see? He doesn’t care about you. He is so selfish. You should just ice him until he notices what he’s missing.”
If you want to stay in love, you are far better off paying close attention to this critical inner voice and actively resisting its attitudes and advice. That doesn’t mean living in a fantasy and ignoring your partner’s real shortcomings. It simply means taking a more compassionate and honest attitude toward them that reflects your real point of view and stops this “voice” from drowning out your warmer feelings.
2. Treat your partner with kindness.
Simple as it sounds, kindness is really the key to staying in love. Research has shown that taking more loving actions actually makes you feel more in love. In any interaction with your partner, whether it’s personal or practical, try to be kind in how you express yourself. This softens your partner, even in heated moments. Continuing to be loving and generous has a huge payoff and a million rewards. It makes you feel good within yourself and creates space for your partner to ultimately move closer to you. It allows you to be more compassionate toward your partner and feel for their experience, separate from yours, which also increases your own feelings of interest, attraction, and tenderness.
3. Take advantage of what you love about your partner.
Reflect on what you love and appreciate about your partner. What qualities do you admire or feel amused by? If you like that they’re adventurous, keep sharing new activities. If you enjoy their sense of humor, be playful in your communication. If you value that they’re warm and affectionate, make sure to connect with them each day, rather than getting caught up in other things.
Pay attention to the large and small characteristics they display that bring you joy. Some examples that people have shared with me recently are “the way my husband plays with our kids after a long day,” “the smile my girlfriend gives me any time I look up from my computer when I work from home,” “the way he’s never judgmental when I tell him things I’m ashamed of,” “the way she supports me when I’m trying something that makes me nervous.”
4. Share lively, non-routine experiences.
When you first fall in love, in some ways, you are probably the most open you’ll ever be. After all, you’re letting an entirely new person matter to you and influence your life. This spirit of adventure and willingness to try new things is actually part of what creates a spark between two people. Continuing to explore side by side and seek out new experiences to share is a powerful way to keep the excitement and vitality going strong. Relationships can start to become more practical and routine as they go on, particularly with the sharing of kids, household, or financial responsibilities, but these parts of life can also be part of that adventure, as long as you’re making time to do new things that make you both feel more alive.
5. Maintain and support your and your partner’s individual interests.
In the early stages of a relationship, both parties are still seeing themselves as separate, so they maintain the aspects of who they are that make them feel like independently fulfilled individuals. Often, it’s these very qualities that made your partner fall in love with you and made you fall in love with your partner. Never forget what it felt like to be your own person; be sure to nurture the unique aspects of who you are, and extend this same kindness, respect, and curiosity to your partner.
When you become an extension of your partner, you may be sacrificing a part of who you are that they love, and of course, the opposite is also true. Give your partner the support to pursue what lights them up. Sometimes that will mean giving them space to pursue their own interests and trying not to place unnecessary restrictions or exert control based on your own insecurities. You don’t want to limit your ability to really know them and love them for who they are.
6. Talk personally.
Most couples can get into a lot of trouble with communication — for example, by talking in circles with both of your critical inner voices at the wheel, or by not talking about anything personal for long periods of time. Try to take time to talk about real things in more depth. Let your partner know what’s going on in your mind beneath any chitchat or practical issues. Ask about what they’re thinking and feeling. There’s always something new to discover about each other, and if you keep showing interest, you’ll keep feeling toward each other, both because you know the other person, and because you’re known by them.
7. Don’t give up intimacy.
It’s no real surprise that studies have long shown that physical affection makes you feel more connected. Being affectionate produces oxytocin in your brain. “Oxytocin is a neuropeptide, which basically promotes feelings of devotion, trust and bonding,” said psychologist and researcher Matt Hertenstein. When you feel busy, stressed, or distant from your partner, it’s easy to go a while without expressing affection. When you do, it may be more routine, and you don’t necessarily let yourself slow down and enjoy it. Yet, just holding hands or hugging for more than a moment can reignite a loving feeling. Staying in touch with your desire and sexuality and sharing intimacy in a personal way can be a powerful way to feel closer to your partner.
8. Find healthy ways to vent.
It’s okay to be angry or frustrated. Your partner is not perfect. You may be doing a lot to develop yourself, and they may be at a standstill. However, neither silently sitting on your anger or building a case and blowing up are the best strategies to get relief and feel closer to your partner. Instead, you may want to open up to a friend or therapist about some of your angrier, more cynical, or irrational reactions. It’s really important to choose a person who isn’t tough or critical, but understanding and nonjudgmental. And definitely don’t choose a “friend” or relative who will take sides and support your negative thoughts. The point of “venting” isn’t to feel more righteous in your anger, but to find relief from letting out your feelings and, hopefully, coming to a calmer, more rational point of view.
9. Reconnect with who you were when you fell in love.
When you feel like you’re falling out of love, you not only long for or miss the person you first fell in love with, but you miss who you were and how you felt at that time. A lot of people want to be the person their partner fell in love with. Of course, every human evolves and grows, so achieving this isn’t about denying your development or pretending to be an old version of yourself. In fact, it’s barely about your partner at all. In her new book, Daring to Love, Tamsen Firestone observes, “the truth is that the primary obstacle to love is within us. Our biggest challenge isn’t finding love; it’s confronting our defenses against it and daring to allow love to develop.” Therefore, falling back in love is an exercise in breaking through those defenses and getting back to a feeling you had toward yourself, your partner, and your life in general.
Most of the steps presented here are easier said than done for one fundamental reason. Staying in love means staying close to feelings — all feelings. It’s when you are in real love that you can experience real loss. Hurt exists. Joy comes with sadness, and it’s sometimes easier to live at a distracting distance than to allow yourself to go all in. Falling back in love isn’t a passive tumble into the past, but a leap of faith you actively take and continue to take every day you choose to be together.
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How to Regain Broken Trust in a Relationship
Trust is the rock upon which all relationships exist. If that rock is chipped away by deceit, over time the foundation crumbles.
When something more serious happens such as infidelity in a marriage, the trust and foundation are broken in an instant. It is not easy to rebuild trust but it is possible.
Whether the trust is broken between a friendship or a marriage, the steps and formula for overcoming the broken trust are the same. In any relationship where trust is broken, both parties must be willing to work through the brokenness in order to heal the relationship. It is not a one sided process.
When the party who has been hurt does not want to reconcile because the hurt is too deep, then the relationship cannot be restored. Likewise, if the offending party does not want to own up to their wrong doing that broke the trust, then the relationship cannot be restored in that situation either.
Both sides must be willing to come to the table and be open, honest, and vulnerable. They must also care enough to want to put forth the effort that is required to make the relationship work again. It is not a one sided process.
In fact, it requires a great deal from both parties involved. There is a question to ask before you embark on restoration of the relationship: “Is the person and relationship you had worth the emotional effort?” It’s only a question you can answer for yourself.
If you answered yes, and the other party has also said yes, then the formula below will help both parties work through the broken trust so the relationship can be restored.
The good news is that when using this formula, both parties can become more emotionally healthy and the relationship can be strengthened.
When trust is broken and both parties are willing to do what it takes in this formula to make the relationship work, then that relationship is strengthened and enhanced.
Some of the enhancements may include greater closeness, improved transparency, sincere vulnerability, and open communications that create a better, longer lasting relationship.
How the COME FORTH Formula rebuild trust in a relationship
The COME FORTH formula is a process that couples can go through to regain trust in their relationship. This process works for marriages, romantic relationships, friendships, co-workers, family members, and more.
The goal of this method is to have healing, to restore the relationship, and for trust to be fully established once again.
The COME part of the formula is for the party that is the offender. This is the person who did something that broke the trust in the relationship.
The FORTH part of the formula is for the receiving end. The person who was hurt and whose trust was broken is to use the FORTH part of the formula to work through the hurt to learn to trust again.
The COME FORTH formula is for both parties to work through the broken trust to help heal the relationship and themselves.
It is not an easy or quick process for either party. It requires commitment, vulnerability, openness, and a willingness to communicate from both parties. When the COME FORTH formula is completed correctly, the relationship can be restored.
When reading the steps in the formula below, keep in mind that COME is for the offender and the FORTH is for the victim. Therefore, explanations are worded in a manner to address those specific parties under each letter.
For the offender: COME
C: Come clean
Now is the time to come clean about whatever it is that you have done to wrong your loved one, friend, co-worker, or someone else who you hurt by breaking their trust. It is better for you to admit your wrong doing and genuinely seek forgiveness before they find out from someone else.
Before you approach the individual to come clean, know what you are going to say.
Make sure your heart is in a state of seeking forgivness and wanting to heal the relationship by telling them. If you are angry and blaming them for your wrong doing in any way, then you are likely to cause more division rather than getting on the right path toward healing the relationship.
If the violation you are coming clean about is in regard to infidelity, then you should admit your wrongdoings without giving graphic details. Your loved one does not need to be hurt with details pertaining to the specific sexual encounter.
Once you provide those details they can not be erased from your loved ones mind and they will leave a lasting scar in their mind. This scar and those thoughts will make it harder for them to overcome the betrayal. Instead come clean with the basics and make the conversation more about your desire to change, and your commitment to never offend in this manner again (adopting a zero tolerance policy toward deception, deceit, and infidelity).
Do answer all of their questions. If they ask specific questions about the affair, answer openly and honestly. Your goal with this is to show that you are willing to be 100% honest and transparent for the sake of the relationship moving forward.
When you are coming clean, begin with letting the other person know how much you value them which is why you are coming clean.
Talk about your past, the value of the relationship for both of you, and the need to get through this to have a fresh start together.
Prefacing your talk on coming clean with this information should help put the other person in a better frame of mind for accepting the information and also a willingness to want to heal the relationship.
Simply blurting out “I cheated on you” is risky and likely to lead to yelling, screaming, and a verbal fight. Start the conversation with talk about your genuine care, love, affection, and/or care for the individual.
Show your remorse.
You need to be apologetic and sincerely remorseful for your wrong doing. If you aren’t feeling remorseful, then you may need to do some soul searching and look at yourself honestly about your actions and how they affect others.
Try to put yourself in the shoes of the person you have hurt. How would you feel if the situation was flipped and you were the one who had been hurt and whose trust was broken?
Find the courage to be remorseful and to show your remorse through your sincere, and thoughtfully worded, apology. Explain how you regret your actions and vow to never do it again. Mean what you say by doing what you say. Trust cannot be regained unless your words match your actions.
When you are coming clean, expect a reaction from the other person. The level of hurt you have inflicted will likely correlate with the level of the reaction. There may be crying, yelling, sobbing, and even harsh words. Prepare yourself emotionally to witness these emotions and not respond with anything other than empathy and care.
Do not make things worse by becoming heated emotionally and reacting with negative words and/or actions. Remain calm and keep a level head. Brace yourself for the emotions and words that may be coming. Know that they will eventually stop.
Be the calming force in the storm.
You want the relationship to work, so you need to be strong when you experience their reaction. Strong means having an empathetic and calm reaction. You can do this by expressing how sorry you are and how much you care for the person, which is why you are coming clean and want to make things right in the relationship.
If you are not willing to admit your wrong doing and apologize then the relationship cannot heal. The other steps in this formula and process hinge on the necessity of you, the offending party, to admit your wrong doing and ask for forgiveness.
You can’t merely state what you have done and make excuses for the behavior, or worse yet, blame the victim. You must take responsibility for your actions, admit your wrong doing, and ask for forgiveness in a sincere manner.
If you are not willing to come clean, withholding of the truth can be even more detrimental to the relationship than the actual violation. Keep this in mind, because not admitting to wrong doing may prevent the relationship from ever being restored. Know your priorities. Do you want a good relationship? Do you want things to be healed? If the answer is yes, then coming clean is foundational to this process.
O: Open yourself emotionally
Once you have completed the first step and have come clean about your offence, then the next step is to be open emotionally. What this really means is that you need to listen to the sincere thoughts and emotions from the person you have hurt.
Listen with empathy.
Avoid any knee-jerk reactions to defend yourself. They need to get these words off their chest to process their hurt.
Listen with a heart that is willing to see what you did wrong, a desire to never hurt them in this manner again, and a willingness to help them process their hurt by simply listening with empathy.
Ask for forgiveness.
It won’t be a one time thing to ask for forgiveness. Especially when the other person is talking about how you have hurt them. The necessity for more apologizing will correlate with the level of hurt you inflicted on the other person.
What you are apologizing for is the various ways you have caused the hurt. For example, your spouse may now realize that you weren’t actually going to late night business meetings and skipping family dinners, you were having an affair. The truth of the affair and infidelity is one hurt, it is another hurt that that you lied about skipping dinner.
Furthermore, it is a compounded hurt because you made this other person (the person with whom you cheated) more important than your own family. Apologizing and listening with empathy will help the healing process to begin.
This is also a time when you, the offending party, need to do some soul searching.
What was it that caused you to cheat? Resist the temptation to blame others. Seek understanding from within yourself. Look to your inner fears and you are likely to find some answers.
For example, if you cheated you may have done so out of fear of abandonment issues. Your fear of being alone caused you to seek out another relationship as a back up to your current relationship. Understanding your fear of abandonment and getting professional help for your own hurt is imperative in the healing process.
M: Make meaningful conversations
Meaningful conversations following the coming clean and asking of forgiveness is the next step in the process of healing the broken trust. When emotions have calmed and anger has begun to subside, the other party may be willing to sit down and hear why you did what you did.
Again, it is never appropriate to place blame back on the victim. Instead use what was revealed to you in your soul searching process as a starting point for making meaningful conversations.
If the other person cares for you and your relationship then they will want to help you process through whatever fears or emotional difficulties you are experiencing that caused you to violate their trust.
Talk openly about those fears and what caused you to do what you did to them.
It helps the other person realize that the issue was not with them. For example, you didn’t cheat on your spouse because you didn’t find them appealing anymore. It was because you have fear of abandonment issues.
Talk about that fear and open up to the person your hurt. They deserve to understand why it happened. This will also help to lift the burden of responsibility from them.
For example, if you took money from a family account that is used to care for your elderly parents and used it for personal reasons your siblings would want to know why. Your explanation may be that you don’t feel as successful as your siblings and you didn’t want to ask them for help.
Doing so, you feared that they would perceive you as a failure. Your siblings, who had their money stolen from the account may feel responsible in that they didn’t keep close enough tabs on the account and your activities.
Knowing that it happened, not because they trusted you too much, but because you had had other fears, problems, and emotional issues going on helps absolve their unfounded guilt. They trusted all family members who had access to the account and trust is a valuable asset.
There is nothing wrong with keeping tabs on the account, but there is also nothing wrong with simply trusting all parties involves, especially if there has never been an issue in the past.
Understand the root cause.
Finding out the real cause underneath of why the trust was violated helps those who have been victimized feel less burdened by any feelings of responsibility for the cause of the trust violation.
The goal is understanding the root cause and the underlying emotional issues, so that healing can happen in the relationships.
E: Engage in full transparency
The fourth step for the person who has violated trust in the relationship is to engage in full transparency. This should be something offered up before even asking. If you are the offending party, you should desire for them to trust you again.
Transparency will help bring back that trust.
For example, if you were part of a charity planning event and you took money from the event for personal use, then you need to be fully transparent with the accounts and paperwork with the other individuals working on the event.
Not only from the past, but moving forward so that everyone involves knows that trust can be regained. If you aren’t hiding anything then transparency should not be a problem.
If the situation involves infidelity then transparency with phone records, texts, social media accounts, and email accounts should be made transparent. This means the passwords are freely given and the other party can check on things whenever they choose.
This will help them regain a sense of trust because of your willingness to be transparent and provide any information that was previously unknown or hidden.
If you lack a willingness for transparency then you need to do some soul searching. What are you still hiding? What don’t you want the other person or party to know?
If you have something else you need to share with them, there is no better time than the present to share that information. Full transparency, means that you admitted to everything. If you are still hiding something it makes transparency very difficult.
For the Victim: FORTH
Forgiveness is the first step in healing the relationship on the end of the victim. Holding onto the hate, anger, and negative feelings will only make you feel worse.
Let those feelings go by allowing yourself to forgive.
This doesn’t mean that there aren’t consequences, which you will come to terms with while engaging in meaningful conversation with the other person.
For example, if it is a situation where infidelity has occurred, then the transparency with phone and email records and such moving forward would be a consequence of the violation of your trust.
Forgiveness means that you are willing to work through the wrong doings that occurred that broke the trust. You are willing to care for this person enough that you want to work with them emotionally to process through the pain to restore the relationship.
If you aren’t willing to forgive, then the relationship is forever changed and likely will never be on the level it once was. In most instances when there is lack of forgiveness, it is like a wall going up between the parties.
A true, healthy relationship can not occur because the wall remains in tact. Forgiving means you are willing to take down the wall and work through things to make the relationship healthy and possibly even better than it was before.
It is possible for it to be better because you have taken the step to forgive. This shows how much you care for the other person. This takes the relationship to a new depth.
The bigger to offence, the harder it will be to forgive, but it also makes the relationship that much deeper when forgiveness does occur.
If they haven’t admitted their wrong doing, give them a few days after you discuss the matter initially
There are many times that the person who broke the trust is found out before they admit what they did wrong. They should still get the chance to come clean and make things right. This means that there must be a willingness to forgive before they even admit their wrong doing.
However, the process still hinges on their willingness to admit their wrongs when it is brought to light. Sometimes they do not admit immediately, but give them a few days to make things right by admitting their wrong doing after you discuss the matter initially.
If someone has broken your trust and you have found out before they have admitted their wrong doing, then you need to go to them to discuss the matter.
How you present the topic is of great importance. If you approach them with self righteous anger, then the outcome of that conversation is not likely to produce good footing toward them admitting their wrongs, nor will it help to bring a start to the healing process.
When you decide to talk to the person about the issue, do it one on one. Do not involve a large group of people. It is best to talk to the individual with only them and do so in a manner that lets them know you want them to accept their wrong doing, admit to it (come clean), so that your relationship can be restored.
Approach the person with empathy.
You never know what kind of other issues they are dealing with in their heart, mind, and soul. Give them the courtesy of kind words and a calm tone of voice, for the sake of your relationship.
If you value the relationship, then you will place value on this conversation because it is one that could destroy it altogether, or it can work to heal the trust broken and make the relationship stronger.
If the person is not willing to admit their wrong doing, you should give them some time (days to a few weeks depending on the situation and severity of the offence).
Let them know this as you conclude your conversation. You can say “I can see you are not willing to admit to breaking the trust at this time, but I am willing to give you a few days to think things over and get back to me on this because I value our relationship and want to help us restore the broken trust together.”
Giving them grace and mercy is the right thing to do if you value this person and the relationship.
If after your chosen time period of allowing them to digest your conversation, they are still not willing to admit their wrong doing, you can take it to the next level.
This would be seeking someone of higher authority for counsel. This could, for example, be a marriage counselor in the case of infidelity.
If it is an offence between a co-worker, you can ask for a supervisor or boss to mediate the situation to get some resolution. If it is a friendship situation, you can seek counsel from an elder at the church, who may be willing to mediate a discussion.
The goal is to help the person see that you care and that them coming clean about their offence that violated the trust in the relationship is essential for the relationship to continue.
If the person is unwilling to come clean after these steps have been taken, then you may need to simply move forward.
There have been many marriages that have continued on for years in spite of such trust violations as infidelity, without the cheater admitting their wrong doings.
The relationship is never the same though. There will always be a lack of true intimacy because of this violation of trust. Sometimes the failure for the offending party to not admit their wrong doing can be even more harmful that the actual violation that broke the trust.
You can have forgiveness in your heart for the person and their wrong doing even if there is no apology. This allows you to move forward without harboring any resentment and pain.
It unburdens you to forgive them, whether they chose to apologize and admit their wrongdoings, or not.
There are consequences to them not admitting their wrong. Usually is it is broken relationship or one that is very damaged, it all depends on the depth of the wrong doing or level of deception.
However, you are doing yourself a favor when you forgive. You are unburdening any feelings of ill will or hurt that have come from that person violating your trust.
O: Open conversations
This is the time when you need to share with the person who hurt you, how they hurt you.
You need to express yourself using “I feel” statements.
Expressing yourself with statements that begin with “I feel” approaches them with your personal emotions rather attacking them with what they have done.
If the other person feels attacked, then there is likely not going to be productive healing happening in the conversation.
Take the time to process what you are feeling and decide your words, phases, and thoughts to express before you even enter into the conversation.
Know what you are going to say before you say it. Make sure that what you are going to say is not going to alienate the person and end the conversation.
If you goal is restoration of the relationship, then use a calm tone of voice and the “I feel” statements to convey your emotions and how you were hurt by their actions that violated your trust.
For example, if you are dealing with a friend who threw a party and you were not invited you can begin by saying “I saw the photos of your party on social media and I feel hurt that I wasn’t invited”. You can then follow it up with something that can open the conversation to a deeper level by asking “Is there something that I did that hurt you or our relationship and that was perhaps why I wasn’t invited?”
Allow the other person to respond. If they care about you and your friendship they will want to explain and apologize if necessary. It could be a simple explanation such as the party was only friends from her college years.
You never know the answer unless you ask, but ask with kindness, grace, and understanding so that you can have a better relationship moving forward.
A word to the wise: do not begin the blame game.
If you start blaming them rather than using “I feel statements” then they are going to get on the defensive. The conversation will not likely be productive in producing a positive result if you start with “you did this” or “you said that.”
Avoid the temptation to fall into blaming and pointing fingers as this is not helpful in the overall process of healing the trust in the relationship.
Write down the specific “I feel” statements before you go to the person in conversation.
Again, do not approach the person with a group. Rather, the conversation is to be one on one. If you take multiple people or even one other person, they will feel that you are ganged up on them.
Ask for a private conversation and use your “I feel” statements to get the conversation going on the right foot.
R: Request what you need to get back to a healthy relationship
This step goes hand-in-hand with the “O: Open conversations”. Now is the time to discuss what happened and how things can be resolved.
You need to discuss how the trust was broken, what is required to heal the relationship, and how your relationship will work moving forward.
It is important that your requirements and expectation for the other party are reasonable. If you set the bar too high and expect to much, you are setting the person and relationship up for failure.
For example, if it was a situation of infidelity, you can’t expect them to never talk to someone of the opposite sex ever again. Setting that rule or expectation is unreasonable. It is also likely to be broken the first day, which means you will feel further violated and the trust undermined once again.
Set reasonable expectations to regain trust.
Things such as transparency with phone records, text, and emails going forward is a reasonable expectation.
Discuss these matters without making demands. Talk about what would make you feel comfortable and help to rebuild the trust.
If the other party cares enough, they will be willing to meet your reasonable requests.
T: Talk about the betrayal to a confidant or professional
Talk to wise counsel on the matter of your trust being broken.
Talking with someone else will help you gain better understanding of the situation and your own feelings.
It will also help you process the emotions you have on this matter.
Allow yourself to open up to someone who can help you through this situation. Using a professional such as a counselor is a always a wise choice when seeking help about deeply personal matters.
Don’t keep your feelings inside.
Trust broken can bring up all sort of feelings, emotions, and even past unresolved issues. When you keep these things inside and never unburden yourself emotionally by talking through things, you allow the emotions to fester.
Don’t allow the pain to become an even more painful wound by allowing it to fester because of your unwillingness to open up.
Find someone who you trust and open up to them about what has happened. Let yourself process the emotions so that you can move on.
H: Heal yourself to heal the relationship
Depending on the level of the pain inflicted and the sort of trust that was broken will determine how much healing you need.
If for example, you found out that your spouse has cheated on you with your best friend, you are going to need some serious healing.
This won’t happen overnight. It involves time, patience with yourself, and professional help when needed.
A counselor is definitely recommended in situations of infidelity. Not only for couple’s counseling, but also for individual therapy for each party. The person who has been victimized has a lot to overcome emotionally.
Here are some ways that you can help yourself in the healing process:
Find a support group for the particular experience you are going through.
Though there may not be support groups for all kinds of trust violations, there are for the major violations such as infidelity.
Seek individual counseling from a professional.
As mentioned before, seeking professional help is good for both you and your partner.
Journal about your experience.
Journal about your current feelings, and where you want yourself and the relationship to be in the future.
Avoid bashing the person who broke your trust.
Do not go behind their back and begin bashing them or talking bad about them because this will prevent you from having a heart and mind of forgiveness.
It’s okay to talk about what happened to a confidant in order to process your feelings.
It’s not okay to talk to someone about it for the purposes of bashing the other party or gossiping.
Get all your questions answered.
Make sure you ask all the questions you want answered from the person who violated your trust.
If you are working together to make the relationship work, they should be willing to answer your questions. Having unanswered questions can prevent you from healing.
For example, if it was a situation of infidelity, you may be wondering where and how it began. You want to know these specifics so that you aren’t wondering if it was at the gym and should you be concerned every time they leave the house to go to do a workout.
Having those types of questions answered gives you peace of mind, especially if you can equip the relationship with transparency expectations moving forward.
For example, you find out that the affair did begin at the gym. Then a solution would be to change gyms and you workout together.
It can be a new way to spend more time together and it will also solve your problem of fearing they will meet someone else every time they go to the gym.
The goal in this final “H: Heal” stage of the COME FORTH formula is to help you, the victim, see that the relationship cannot be healed unless you are healed.
If you have underlying anger, resentments, and hostility still bottled up, then your relationship with the other person will not likely heal either.
You must pursue ways to healing yourself emotionally and mentally, that way your relationship can also move on to a deeper and healthy state.
When both parties have resolved to work through the broken trust to save the relationship then you can hit the reset button together. What this means is that you are both willing to work through the COME FORTH method to heal yourselves and the relationship.
You can’t just say “let’s start over” because that won’t solve any of the problems or heal the emotional issues.
You need to apply the COME FORTH method to work through it together and individually. Doing this will indeed reset the relationship and set it up for greater success.
You will also find that at the completion of the COME FORTH process you will both be better people, in a better relationship together.
Featured photo credit: Unsplash via unsplash.com
How To Rekindle Your Relationship And Fall In Love Again
Stop reading for a moment, and think back to the first few weeks after you met your spouse or love partner.
Actually, try to visualize an early date where you were cuckoo for CoCo Puffs about this amazing person. And they felt the same about you.
Remember how it felt falling in love, how happily distracted you were, how you couldn’t wait to see her — how everything he said was interesting and funny.
Remember how you felt the two of you were special? Meant for each other. Destined to be together.
And now . . . not so much.
Now you’ve been together for a while — maybe years. And the bloom is off the rose. What was once endearing or funny now gets under your skin like a bad rash. The differences you found so appealing now divide you like a knife. It’s past time to rekindle your relationship.
Frustration, resentments, hurt feelings, and unmet needs are always simmering just below the surface. One wrong word, one sideways glance, one exasperated sigh is all it will take to cause the lid to blow. And blow it has — many times. Too many times to count.
Bickering is a daily sport and full-blown fights dot the landscape of your marriage like bleeding soldiers on a battlefield. Whether your particular fighting style is a head-spinning screaming match or a silent treatment freeze-out, both of you are exhausted, hurting, and so tired of living this way.
How did it come to this? What happened to the joy, the fun times together, the great sex, the intimate talks? Where are those two people who fell so head-over-heels in love?
If you spend more time in your love life fighting or feeling angry, hurt, or resentful than you do enjoying the connection, then it’s past time to take action. Right now you must do something about it if you want to save the relationship.
Here are some ideas on how to rekindle your relationship and fall in love again:
Do you really want to stay?
Before you begin working on rekindling love, be very, very honest with yourself.
Do you really want to rekindle the marriage and for it to work?
Are you invested in it enough that you’re willing to make some relationship changes?
Do you truly want to have a happy, healthy, intimate connection with this particular person?
If the answer is no, and you’ve been with this person a long time, go to counseling anyway to be absolutely sure it’s not just your anger clouding your judgment. Get professional support to help you navigate this huge decision whether to end the marriage or not.
However, if the answer is yes, and you know with certainty you want the relationship to work, then read on.
Both you and your spouse or partner must embrace this foundational premise: your relationship together takes priority over everything else in your life.
That includes your children, your parents, your friends, your work, your hobbies, your chores, your television, your computer, and your egos.
The relationship itself must be viewed as a separate living, breathing force that the two of you are charged with caretaking. I’m not suggesting you lose your individuality. But as two individuals, you are jointly responsible for nurturing your connection as you would your child.
If your relationship isn’t solid, everything else in your life will be negatively impacted. Your happiness as a couple is essential to the security and happiness of your children, your job performance, and your mental health.
Respect the individual
You are an individual unique person with your own beliefs, feelings, desires, and habits. Your spouse also is that same unique individual. Everyone has the innate right to be who they are and to feel free with their most intimate partner to express their true selves.
Just because you’ve come together as a couple doesn’t mean you should expect your partner to be someone else, meet all of your needs, or view the world in the exact same way you do. You are two distinct people, two adults, who fell in love and chose to live their lives together.
Related: Signs Of An Unhealthy Relationship
Your expectations and treatment of each other should reflect this truth. Once you accept and respect the other person for who they are, then you can find a way to work through differences thoughtfully and kindly. When you love Mike (fill in your spouse’s name) simply because he is Mike, then you are offering unconditional love and acknowledgment of his authentic self.
You love and accept him just the way he is.
This is the foundation from which you can handle the differences between you and the difficulties life throws in your path.
Lead with kindness
I firmly believe the simple act of kindness could save most couples from breaking up. If you begin from the position of always trying to be kind and respectful toward your partner, you’ll resolve conflicts more quickly and less painfully. And you will sew the seeds of joy in your life together.
Small acts of kindness on a daily basis translate into heaping portions of positivity and happiness, which is essential for lasting relationships.
According to marriage expert and psychologist John Gottman, Ph.D., it takes five positive interactions to every one negative interaction for a marriage to last. Through his extensive research on couples, Gottman discovered that marriages are in danger of leading to divorce when the ratio of positive to negative interactions falls below five to one.
Even if you are feeling angry or upset about something, you can still be kind by not being overtly unkind. You don’t have to go for the jugular in disagreements. There’s no need to make disparaging remarks or speak condescendingly.
Kindness is an advanced emotion — one that requires conscious choice. You must choose kindness over winning an argument or making your partner feel worse than you do.
Seek a mediator
Every couple experiences difficulties they can’t unknot on their own. Sometimes we become so entrenched in our needs or point of view, we can’t see a way toward compromise or resolution. If this happens, don’t allow the issue to fester and cause resentment.
Related: 10 Of The Best Relationship Goals To Nurture Intimacy
Seek out a professional couples counselor who can help you find the best course of action. Asking for this help doesn’t mean your marriage is bad or you might not get what you want. It’s like bringing in a consultant who’s detached and can help you both see the bigger picture and the way toward resolution.
Dont’ avoid counseling because you think you should be able to work it out on your own. If you haven’t, you likely won’t be able to. So take action.
Practice emotional intimacy
The foundation of emotional intimacy is trust. You trust your spouse to have your back, accept you as you are, treat you with dignity, and love you unconditionally.
You lose that trust when your partner puts you down, betrays you in some way, tries to control you, or becomes disengaged from the relationship. Real intimacy is impossible without this trust, and emotional intimacy is what keeps marriages thriving.
You express emotional intimacy in a variety of ways.
- You have it when you can be vulnerable in front of your partner, and you accept your partner’s vulnerabilities.
- You have it when you share physical affection and non-sexual touching.
- You have it when you share meaningful experiences, laughter, and fun times together.
- You have it when you can talk with each other about your day, your opinions, your feelings — and know your partner is really listening.
Emotional intimacy is also expressed in sexual intimacy with eye contact, spoken words, and open communication about how to please one another.
Even when you disagree, you can practice this intimacy through humor, touching, and kindness.
Don’t argue in anger
This might be the most difficult change to adopt, but it will be the most life-changing. When you feel angry at your spouse, and you want to yell and scream and say something really hurtful or snarky, walk away instead.
When your anger grows to the point you can’t control it, have a rule with yourself you will step away from your partner until the anger dissipates. Words spoken in anger are poison to your close connection. They might feel good in the moment, but they often cause irreparable harm.
If a disagreement begins to escalate into a full-scale fight, tell your spouse you’d like to wait to finish the conversation until cooler heads prevail. If you want to get your angry feelings out, write them down and then tear them up. Or go for a run or a long walk.
Walking away from angry interactions is part of putting the relationship as a priority over your ego.
Create opportunities for fun
Life can be so serious and demanding. This is particularly true when you have children at home. Your days are filled with work and child-rearing, and in the evenings you’re exhausted and just want to veg out in front of the TV or on the computer.
Related: 10 Signs Of A Good Relationship
Prioritize having fun and adventure together over some of the seemingly more important activities of your life. Your house and yard don’t have to be perfect. Your kids don’t have to be in dozens of extracurricular activities. You don’t have to volunteer for every school organization.
Put fun time with your spouse ahead of all of these things. Go on regular date nights. Take weekend excursions. Put up a tent in your back yard, and watch the stars together. Try to reconnect to the feelings you had when you first fell in love, when the world was your oyster and life had a rosy glow to it.
Think about your partner as your boyfriend or girlfriend, and find ways to spend time together just as you did when you first met. Yes, your life is more complicated now. But that will make the fun times all the sweeter.
If your relationship is valuable to you, and you don’t want it to linger in malaise or fall apart completely, then take the initiative to overcome your problems as a couple. Ask your spouse or partner to read this article with you. Discuss together how you can put your intimate connection as the number one priority in your life.
Write down ways you can express more respect, kindness, emotional intimacy, and fun. Talk about strategies for a cooling off period when anger erupts. And decide whether or not you need the support of a counselor with any particular issue.
Take care of your relationship, and fall in love all over again.
37 SharesiStockphoto We’ve all been there—your marriage is OK, but not great. You’re fighting with your spouse or, worse yet, not talking at all. And sex? Forget it. If you’re wondering what happened to your marriage, we’ve got the fix. Here, marriage counselors and therapists weigh in on great ways to make you and your husband fall in love—and like—again.
Just Do It!
If you haven’t had sex in forever, or feel like you and your husband are like roommates, push yourself to the bedroom. “I wish I had a dollar for each time a woman in my practice said, ‘I really wasn’t in the mood when my husband approached me, but once we got into it, I enjoyed myself a lot,'” says Michele Weiner-Davis, MSW, bestselling author. For many women, sexual desire doesn’t just happen—you have to make it happen. “Unlike your more highly sexed spouse, who feels desire before arousal, your body needs to be stimulated before your brain signals that you are turned on,” Weiner-Davis says. Think of it like exercising: The hardest part is putting on your sneakers.
Attack the Problem, Not the Person
When you argue, using “you” statements—”You didn’t do x and you should have done y” just ratchets up the stress level. All your spouse hears is “you, you, you”— which causes more anger, defensiveness and division. Talk about the problem instead and use “I” statements when saying how it makes you feel, advises Dr. Scott Haltzman, MD, author of The Secrets of Happy Families. And if you can do it calmly, all the better.
Praise Your Husband—Even If You Don’t Feel Like It
“People are deeply attracted to people who are interested in them and appreciate them,” says Dr. Haltzman. “So shower your partner with interest and adoration, and he or she will keep turning to you to be the center of his or her life.” You also might want to make a list of all the positive things your partner does for you and your relationship, says Terri Orbuch, PhD (a.k.a. The Love Doctor), author of the upcoming 5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great.
Slowing down your morning routine and just noticing what your partner is wearing can help you get back on track, says Dr. Orbach. “This small behavioral change resets your brain to change speed. You begin to notice your partner, his behaviors, his patterns, his life.”
It sounds so basic, but talking often gets lost in the bustle of everyday life. Spend 10 minutes a day (every day!) with your spouse, talking about something other than work, family or who does what around the house. If you don’t know where to start, bring up something you saw that day or something you were thinking about.
Bring Back the Fun
“Just like you make work fun, or make that five-hour trip to your parents’ house fun, add new dimensions to your marriage, change things up, add new adventure,” says Dr. Haltzman. Your goal: one or two new things a month. Some ideas: Take a class together, play paintball or even speak pig Latin to each other for a day. “Get back to things that turned each of you on when you were dating—including the flowers, picking her up at the front doorstep and taking the car parking,” he says.
Act Married and Stick It Out
Don’t stray. “Fidelity isn’t for sissies,” says Weiner-Davis. “People think if they are unhappy, that there is a problem in their marriage. But up to 80 percent of individuals consider divorce at some time,” says Dr. Haltzman. There is little difference, he says, between couples who divorce and those who stick it out. “The real difference is the ones who stuck it out have moved past the problem and have moved ahead to feel closer—in no small part because they went through the rough spot together.”
No, this article isn’t going to drone on about the usual passion props. After 30 years of researching what works in helping couples revive their relationships, including sex, I simply can’t just buy into the tips that you now find in every glossy magazine.
The lists of strange sex toys, suggestions for rough sex (obviously choking gets exciting — the fear of death arouses almost everybody!) and scenarios for role-play are endless. Sometimes they seem totally weird and sometimes they strike me as side-splittingly funny. Sure, some of the sexual positions in the new Joy of Sex sound kind of neat. How about “Wailing Monkey Clasping Tree”? But ultimately, we all know that there are really only so many ways to “Do It.”
What I mean is this: the constant seeking for novelty has to fail. Perhaps part of the problem is that we haven’t understood passion very well to begin with. Most of us attempt to rekindle passion in our relationships on the wrong level — on the surface. The new science of romantic bonding backs our instinctual impulse to label sex as “making love.” In other words, passion involves emotional connection in addition to erotic play.
Let’s take a close look at the definition of passion for a moment, as it may change the way we approach passionate love … The word passion comes from the Latin, passio- to suffer. Even disregarding the implications of “suffering,” one thing is clear: passion necessarily involves intense emotional engagement.
Yet so many couples lose sight of this. Once in a couples therapy session, my client Sam explained, “I guess I got used to turning off my emotions and just going through the moves in bed with Linda. I wasn’t really there with her. Sex was just a set of steps leading to an orgasm. It was a dance but there was no music, no emotion.”
Sam and Linda’s predicament pretty aptly sums up why passion can quickly become diminished in a relationship: there is a dance with no music. The motions happen, but there isn’t any joy to inspire and guide them.
With that said, here are three surprising, but nonetheless surefire, ways to revive the emotional music in your relationship to keep the passion alive! After all, the emotional music is the only ingredient we really need for passionate love (and, of course sex!).
1. Tune into the emotional music that’s already there.
This means slowing down and listening for the signals coming from your partner. As Sam said in our last session, “It’s kind of like we start with the question ‘Where are you?’ when we are in bed.” From there, they each pay attention to the “vibes” coming from one another in a different way.
The specific emotion here is “longing.” Science is clear: humans can just copulate for the sake of sensation, but mostly mating is wired into our need for loving connection. That’s why Sam explained to Linda, “I don’t just want an orgasm. I want to feel desired, longed for.” The thrill here comes from the risk of opening up to each other, showing need and longing and then the joy of finding the other person is there there there. When we face rejection with a lover and then find our way back to them again, this risk and relief is part of the thrill of what people call “make-up sex.”
Of course, the other word that stands out here is play. To experience play with someone we need a certain safety, so that we can let go and be absorbed in the moment. It’s hard to watch your back and really get caught up in pleasurable sensation at the same time. Safe emotional connection also frees us up space so that we are able to reveal our sexual needs and desires to our lover. The result? Feeling desired, having our desires met, and more passion!
2. Share with each other. A lot.
Did you know that sharing is a great spring board into passionate sex?
One of Sam and Linda’s former problems in their sex life was actually an emotional problem: sharing. He explained, “Confiding in Linda was something that I used to avoid at all costs.” A huge aspect of having passionate sex is honesty, trust and general emotional openness. When we close off to our partners emotionally, we bring this “closed” energy into the bedroom, and, needless to say, it doesn’t lead to sparks flying. Now, Sam and Linda are in a different place. He explained, “When we share deeper stuff, it takes sex to a whole new level.”
Of course, it’s easy to lose touch with the importance of being deeply honest with our partners, especially over time. And it’s even easier to forget that there is a profound connection between honesty and passionate sex. But the good news is that we can recall this fact whenever we are ready to make the changes necessary to revive the passion in our relationships. We can literally choose to fall into passionate love again and again. Maybe this is why those who report that most thrilling sex are not the one-night-stand aficionados but long-term lovers.
3. Pay total attention to the mating dance.
Passion is work, there’s no doubt about it. And perhaps ironically, honoring the importance of “play” itself actually requires quite a bit of work. But of course, the definition of “work” here doesn’t mean it’s unpleasant or rote. It implies allowing yourself to become fully engaged and tuned into an activity. Paying attention to your needs, to your lover’s needs, and communicating them is work. And this work is 100% essential for a passionate sex life.
Most animals who mate and stay together engage in a mating dance. Once, I watched two swans mirror each other’s movements, dip their heads in turn and in rhythm, slowly entwine their necks and sway away and toward each other. It was a perfect, coordinated, totally synchronized dance. The swans were oblivious to me coming nearer and nearer because they only had eyes for each other.
Basically, passion comes when we give our attention totally to our dance with a lover (hint, turn your cellphone off) and truly tune into the mating dance. When we get distracted by a focus on performance — how we look to our observing ego — we never reach this level of presence. Linda, for instance, explained to me, “I thought I was bored in bed with Sam. But I was just busy worrying about being sexy and seething about our fights. Now I realize that I just wasn’t paying attention!”
All this reminded me of a moment when I was learning Argentine Tango. One night, I danced with a new and very experienced partner. He suddenly stopped in the middle of the crowded floor and said, “What are you doing?” “Dancing,” I replied. “No,” he explained, “You are off in your head, figuring out the steps and grading how good they are. You are not with me and you are not feeling the rhythm of this music. You don’t have to prove how good you are to me. Just stay with me, tune in and let the feeling move you — let my signals move you. The dance is not the steps. It’s how we are together.”
In other words, my dancing partner explained the essence of truly passionate love to me. Don’t just hear the music in your relationship. Listen to it. Honor it. And, of course, dance your heart out to it!
It happens to the best of couples. In the beginning, the two of you can’t keep your hands off each other. But over time, especially when life gets tough, that sexy spark can fizzle.
Experts say there are ways to get the spark back, but first we need to “ditch the myth” that sex should always be spontaneous and easy.Getty Images stock
The signs that a couple is in a sexual rut can vary, according to Amy Levine, a New York City-based sex coach and the founder of Ignite Your Pleasure, but some common ones include:
- Sex is happening infrequently — or not at all.
- Sex has become routine.
- Only one partner seems to be initiating sex — and that partner is often rejected.
Sometimes partners get to the point where they just don’t see each other sexually, said Dr. Rachel Needle, a licensed psychologist, certified sex therapist, and founder of Florida’s Whole Health Psychological Center. She hears from couples who aren’t touching intimately anymore —not holding hands or kissing for longer than just a peck.
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Aug. 6, 201404:17
Another sign ? When partners no longer pay attention to their physical appearances.
Typically, desire and passion are at their highest at the beginning of a relationship.
“When people get comfortable in their relationships and all of life’s other factors come into play, desire sometimes fizzles off if not worked at,” Needle says.
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Both experts say there are ways to get the spark back, but first we need to “ditch the myth” that sex should always be spontaneous and easy, said Needle. Like any other aspect of a healthy relationship, good sex takes time and energy. You have to make an effort.
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Aug. 26, 201303:35
Start by focusing on your connection with one another, both experts say. Being able to communicate is essential both in and outside of the bedroom. Ask your partner the same kinds of questions you’d feel safe asking a good friend. Be open about your feelings, whether you’re talking about your day at the office or your intimate desires.
Once the communication is back on track, try these seven tips to reignite the spark:
1. Boost your dopamine —together.
One thing that caused butterflies when you first met was the chemical cocktail in your bodies, says Levine. “Recreate this by doing something novel. Check out a new restaurant, take a cooking class together — do something fun that you’re both excited to try,” she said.
RELATED: 5 relationship warning signs couple should never ignore
2. Kiss more often.
At the beginning of a relationship, couples often enjoy deep kissing, but over time they tend to stop. “Continuing to hug, kiss, cuddle is an important component of a healthy relationship,” she said.
3. Remember what it was like when you first met.
Turn off the TV and reminisce about the fun times you had — even sexually, if that’s the case — when you first met, said Levine.
4. Make a list of sexual possibilities.
Look through a sex book together and be inspired by its suggestions. “Make a list of at least ten possibilities,” said Levine. “Don’t think about whether you want to try them or not. Just list them.” Next, rate each topic on a scale of 1-5 for how willing you are to try it. Share your answers with one another. See if you can come up with something new to try together.
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5. Keep the mystery alive.
No matter how long you’ve been together, make an effort to be seductive and keep your erotic connection fresh. “Put some surprise into the relationship. Break the predictable pattern every so often,” said Needle. “This can help keep desire alive.”
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6. Get in touch with your own sexuality.
Read an erotic novel or watch a sexy movie to get yoursef in the mood. Think about times you were most sexually excited. “You may even want to write out a script of fantasy to share with your partner,” said Needle.
7. Seek out a sex coach.
Though many people know intellectually they need to make changes with their partner, they often need to talk with an expert to figure out how to do it, said Levine. “Having a coach is a great way to not only get expert guidance and support, but to have someone hold you accountable for the transformation to take place,” she said. Keep in mind, says Levine, professional sex coaches like herself are merely there to talk, like any therapist.
It’s important to remember that desire ebbs and flows, both experts say. The good news is you can change the sexual script in your relationship. But like any other aspect of your life together, you and your partner will have to work at it.
It’s very common for people in a long-term relationship to feel that the spark is lost. This is probably because once time passes on, we naturally settle down. We become used to our environment and the people around us and it’s just not exciting anymore. Eventually you stop doing the things that you used to do previously.
Everything just becomes a sort of routine. It’s not that you hate them or no longer love them; it’s just that you know that at the end of the day they’ll be there. You don’t have to work to keep them around anymore and well they’re not your priority any more.
You can’t find as much time for them as you used to. It’s understandable that you’re at a point where you no longer need to go out of your way to prove your love to them, but that doesn’t mean you start to completely neglect each other it means you should do exactly what you feel like you don’t have to.
Woo your beloved.
After all if you continue to treat your partner like you did at the beginning of your relationship, you wouldn’t feel like your relationship is coming to an end.
Love is what brought you two together, and at the end of the day, it is the very same thing that’s going to keep you two together. You’ll remember what made your relationship possible and you’ll begin to build up again.
Even If you’ve hit rock bottom. So take out the time to bring back the spark. Take some time to make what was once the most exciting part of your day, exciting again. Here are a few things that could be potentially helpful to rebuild that aura of romance in your relationship:
1. Make love to get love back!
One of the simplest and most effective ways to reconnect with your partner is through sex. It is intimate and fulfilling in so many ways. It’s vital to a relationship. It builds a sense of security and trust. You could be reminded of your first time together, and what it felt like. The rush and anticipation might all come back to you.
All you might have been holding in could find a way out. You may be tired at the end of the day; it might have been a hard day at work but spare a day a week just for some physical affection. It will do you good, you will probably stress out less, be able to get rid of stress and you and your partner will feel young again. It won’t be you just having to go home; it will be you wanting to go home.
Physical affection isn’t just physical; the thought of the ac alone can commence a series of reactions in one’s brain. Women are actually known to release a chemical upon relief’ which makes the fall in love even more with their partner. It could be euphoric so don’t give up or pass up on an opportunity.
Physical intimacy is just as important as a bond. You’ll be surprised at what your partner would be willing to do for you, out of sheer love. It an intimacy that makes you feel in awe of one another and makes your bond stronger. It a blanket of security for you and your partner.
2. Prioritize yourself
Love yourself, only then will you be capable of loving them and being loved. That does not mean you forget about your surroundings all together and just focus on yourself but you should focus on yourself enough to:
- Have good health and hygiene. This will be pleasant for you and your beloved. Keep your body in a condition that makes you feel confident and makes your partner lust over you. if you feel good , everything feels better
- Have good fitness and make yourself attractive for them. I know a lot of people will think they should love me for me’ they probably do, however if you try just for them not because you have to but because you want to they’ll want to do the same and the end result will be two beautiful people who not only attract each other via personality and character but also attract each other physically.
And when you’re content, you’re more focused on other people and other things. If you keep thinking about yourself and how you don’t appreciate yourself, you will take it out on others. That will only lead to unnecessary misunderstanding that may affect your relationship entirely. If you aren’t giving yourself enough time, you’re constantly distracted and feel unfulfilled regardless of how your partner is treating you.
You might be irritated even by their mere presence just because you’re not at peace with yourself again you will take any anger and hurt that you have towards yourself at your partner, hurting them along the way.. This could place them in a state of confusion. They may simply think that you just are not attracted to them anymore and that can be super discouraging. They might be doing everything right, yet you would react in an unexpected manner.
They buy you a dress and it just doesn’t fit right (well that’s how you feel) and then you don’t appreciate them enough and it’s all just a big mess. Eventually they would stop trying and distance themselves from you.
Lose those extra pounds you’ve wanted to get rid of, have a spa day, get a massage and just come to appreciate your own existence. You might feel insecure and not want to be as intimate with your partner, which will only be a cause of problems.
Do all you can to naturally rid yourself of your insecurities and that will be enough for you to allow your partner to be able to get close enough to get rid of all the others.
3. Revisit the past
Old photos, movies, music and places you first met or had your first date and many such memories can serve the purpose really well. A walk down memory lane always helps.
Look at old pictures and remember what you used to be like together. The more you remember the past, the more you’d want to reenact it. Memories of the rush will make you want it back and you will at least try to bring back charms in your relationship.
Not only the happy memories but even the ones about trying times remind you of how you’ve come a long way to where you are today, just remember how you loved them so much then that leaving them at that time was something you couldn’t even have imagined. It’ll make you realize that you didn’t just try all that time simply for laughs and if you worked so hard then you’ll feel like trying to make it work even more now.
If it was worth it then, it’s worth it now as well. And there’s nothing you two can’t survive, as long as you’re in it together. Maybe do some of the things you did when you started going out and you’ll see the magic return in no time!
Reenact your first date or just laugh along about the good old days of high school or college. Share your memories even if they aren’t of when you were together. If you have memories that hurt, reenact them with each other and stop them from causing you any more pain. Replace the bad memories with newer better more pleasant and more wanted ones.
4. Flirt with them
It might sound silly but works like a charm. Flirting elevates your mood, relieves the stress and eases things between the two of you. You’d find it to be refreshing and encouraging. Compliment them. And make them feel good about themselves.
And they will probably make you feel the same way. If you go out of your way to buy them flowers and to give them random kisses just as a show of innocent affection chances are, they will reciprocate your actions and it’ll be bliss.
Tell them they look good, that you like the way they smell, maybe tease them a little and try to make them blush. It’ll be like going back to the first year and it will give your relationship a new start.
Take them out on a spontaneous date. Meet them for lunch and even show a little public display of affection in front of their colleagues or coworkers. Write cute little messages to one another and if you really want to go in deep, write them a letter.
Utilize your inner Shakespeare and write them a poem. Tell them you love parts of them you know they are low-key embarrassed and insecure about. It will be a breath of fresh air. You will be brighter around one another and it will be like high school all over again.
Don’t be shy to show affection.
5. Try something new
That trip you’ve been meaning to take but have been putting it off for some reason, or that club you’ve been hearing about, be it anything, and just find something to do together. Something you’ve never tried before. Engage each other and you’d feel the communication getting better and the distance narrowing.
Try something new together. Watch one of those drive through movies. Go on a picnic or go tree climbing. Try thinking on behalf of your partner, try things you were too afraid to but you’ve always wanted to. Go binge on junk food and make blanket forts. Just try new things together. Make new memories together. The more you have around you to remind you of one another, the more you will think of one another and the happier you will be.
Try a little something new in bed, try weird food combinations. It may all seem silly but these are all opportunities to discover one another and even yourself. It will be a path to finding out new things about one another. You’ll realize more and more of each other’s likes and dislikes and it will be a new realization.
Trying something new is just an easy way to figure each other out more.
6. Prioritize them
Start doing things right. Don’t just assume that they’re always going to be by your side regardless of what you do and don’t do. If you want to keep them around, you’ll have to work for it. They shouldn’t have to be with you out of obligation, rather out of love. So make them feel loved. Show them what they mean to you. Make time for each other every single day. Tell them you love them and then prove it too.
Buy them chocolates. Get off work a few hours early; take a day off just to hang out with each other. Take care of them when they’re sick. It seems minor and some may even think it an annoyance they’re a full-grown person, they can handle a day on their own’ well, you made an unspoken promise of dedication when you decided to engage into your relationship don’t break it. Sometimes is okay, but not even caring is definitely not okay at all.
If you don’t even woo them and they feel like dinner together is a mere obligation, you are definitely doing something wrong.
Your partner is not your pet or an object that you can play around with when you want to and leave behind when you don’t want to. A human being has feelings and emotions, can transform from love to hate and from pain to pleasure within only a few moments. Don’t give your partner the chance to even doubt your love for them.
Yes, you can’t be together a hundred percent of the time and if you feel like they’re clingy, you might get annoyed at them. But these emotions of clinginess and extreme attachment don’t foster by themselves. There’s probably a reason they want to spend a lot of time with you and if you open your mind to it, you will want it just as much as them.
Yes, you need personal space, but don’t make it so that she/he feels like a mere annoyance or a fly on the wall. And give them space too; don’t force them to give up their plans if you can’t even give up yours.
7. Talk about it
If you’re feeling something missing in the relationship, you need to let your partner know. They might be noticing the same and even if they aren’t, they need to know.
This would keep you from blaming your partner for being inconsiderate of your feelings. And the sooner it’s out in the open, the sooner you can fix it.
If they’re sensitive to you mentioning it they need some time. Your feelings matter and so does your mental well-being. If they can’t even listen to a request without being unnecessarily sensitive over it, they probably place their feelings over yours. Make them understand. Have an open no strings attached conversation and help each other out.
If you feel like the intimacy is dead, tell them so that both of you can work on it and you can become better suited as relationship partners. If you want a dog, tell them. Don’t fear rejection. This is your person, you can trust them and hence it should not be a problem simply mentioning some parts of the relationship you could work on.
It might not swing completely your way, but don’t expect it to you. They have desires too and compromise and settle on a point you would consider the middle ground. Have some coffee at 3 am and just let it all out. Anything that might have hurt you or something that might have made you feel irrelevant. It doesn’t have to even be related to your relationship. It could be about a cute puppy you saw a day ago to how your boss appreciated your work.
Talk. Communication is key. If you know their past you need to keep it exciting by talking about your now. Talk about your feelings. No, it does not make you any less of a man or any less of a woman.
Relationships are fragile, no matter how long it has been. There’s always a chance of something going wrong. And the slightest mistake could damage what you’ve been working for all along. Even if you feel something missing, you can always bring it back. There are very few mistakes that could be considered unforgivable.
If it’s a little hurt or a little misunderstanding due to some misconception, work on it. Put effort into your relationship. Make your partner feel wanted and loved and most of all secure. There will be hiccups along the way but it will only make your relationship all the more worthwhile. It’ll make you understand each other even more and it will make you content with what you have.
If you fight for something it will feel great without a doubt. So stay loyal, stay faithful, don’t makeup misunderstandings and don’t give them a chance either. Love them so much that they’re consumed by the love.
A sad, universal truth: Every relationship will hit a point when the fiery excitement of “the beginning” fades and things feel a little…well, boring. Your brain and body simply can’t sustain the adrenaline-fueled butterfly feeling for years and years (and it’s a lot less sad when you accept that). But losing the luster doesn’t mean you’re destined for misery—you can (CAN) fall back in love again.
Think about it: When two people first get together, they put a lot of effort and energy into making their partner happy and their twosome flourish. But as time passes and you get more comfortable with each other, it’s easy to become passive.
“Relationships grow stale generally because the couple avoids confronting the issue.”
“Relationships grow stale generally because the couple avoids confronting the issue,” says Franklin Porter, PhD, a psychotherapist in New York.
That means, then, that falling in love—or back in it—is an intentional act. And while no one half of a duo can make things perfect, you can definitely do your part to refresh your relationship when things go meh.
Here’s exactly what to do to fall in love again:
1. Do something to make your partner’s life better.
Since you’re the one reading this article, you may be looking for ways to feel closer to your S.O. rather than doing things for someone whom you feel a little detached from. But, stay with me: Since “love” is a verb, “when you lead with action, your heart tends to follow,” says Seth J. Gillihan, PhD, a psychologist in Philadelphia.
“Plan something unexpected, like doing one of their chores or making them a nice lunch,” he says. Doing so reminds your brain that this person is important to you—and seeing their “Aww, thanks babe” reaction will likely make you feel all giddy again.
Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth fell back in love after a hiatus. Peep their relationship timeline:
2. Spend time away from each other.
It sounds counterintuitive, but sometimes when things get a little moldy, you need some separation to rekindle the spark. I don’t mean jet-setting across the country for a month—but giving yourself the time and space to be your own person.
“When two people feel their relationship has gone stale, it may feel to them as if they’ve grown apart,” says Stephen Snyder, MD, a sex and relationship therapist and author of Love Worth Making. “But very often the problem is that they’ve failed to grow as individuals, apart from one another.”
Your fix: Pursue a hobby that your person has no interest in, like a cooking class or hot yoga. “This gives your partner a chance to truly see you as the ‘other,'” says Dr. Snyder, which can help them see you with fresh eyes.
3. Ask yourself what they need.
Sometimes when you feel disconnected from your partner, the issue isn’t a lack of passion but rather a presence of resentment. That comes from a place of you feeling like a victim and them, a perpetrator.
So take a minute to assess what they’re going through and what their particular needs may be (in the moment, and in general), says Gillihan. Are they hungry? Exhausted? Do they need to be embraced?
These questions may be especially effective to ask yourself during an argument, which tend to happen more when you’ve hit the relationship doldrums. “Then see if there’s anything you can do to meet that need,” Gillihan says.
Just like doing something nice for them, responding to their needs can help them feel closer to you—in turn, making you feel closer to them and helping you fall in love again.
Note: If this exercise is a real struggle for you—perhaps because of longstanding fights or issues—it might be a good idea to see a couples therapist, who can help you work through your needs together.
4. Spend more present time with them.
Even if you live with your boyfriend (or husband, or girlfriend/wife), chances are, a lot of the time you spend with them is occupied by other things—emails, kids, TV, phone calls, etc.
But disconnecting from the world around you to truly be with your partner can help you feel the feels again, because it reminds you that, above all else, you two are a team (not two people who connected for no real reason).
One half of this equation is leaving work at work and setting your phone down to spend quality time with your person, Porter says. The other half is a skill you may have forgotten about as your relationship took on a long-term status: listening.
“Spend some time talking together in a different way,” says Snyder. “One talks, the other just listens. As the listener, see if you can stop yourself as much as possible from merely formulating your own responses. Instead, just listen.”
It may feel a little strange at first to be so intentional about your daily conversations, but that means you’re doing it right, says Snyder. Everyone wants to be heard. And “that strangeness is where all the good stuff happens.”
5. Have silly time together.
Speaking of strangeness, it’s super important for people to be able to shoot the sh*t with each other and just kick back and have a goofy grand time. In fact, research shows that couples who laugh together often have happier relationships and stay together for the long haul.
Try to check yourself when you get annoyed with your other half—did they really do something that bugs you, or can you just laugh it off? And poke fun (in a kind, loving way, obvi) at both them and yourself, in order to keep things light. Just like you did during the early days.
6. Stop and notice your S.O.
When you’re dealing with the daily grind, it’s easy to check out and glaze over the person next to you. Sure, you see them every day, but are you really seeing them? Paying more attention to who they are and what they do can help you fall back in love.
“Noticing your partner, complimenting his or her appearance, or making random gestures of appreciation, will make the other feel more attractive and desirable, and likely increase desire,” says Porter. In other words, bring back some of the flirty texts and extra-long stares you shared when you were first dating, and they’ll likely do the same.
7. Take turns planning surprise date nights.
Sometimes all it takes to help you reconnect is scheduling a date night—no kids, no friends, just the two of you. To make it more fun, Porter suggests taking turns planning the evenings and keeping the details under wraps.
“Agree that you’ll both be totally open to the other’s idea of a date for the evening,” says Porter. That way, you each get to take part in the surprise and get excited about planning something special—and you both get the opp to do something you actually want to do.
8. List the ways your partner has made your life better.
Relationships are sort of like ice cream: They’re addictive and delicious in the beginning, but eventually, they lose their appeal. That’s because when you get used to something good, you tend to take it for granted.
So to fight that, “spend 15 minutes writing down all the ways in which your life has been changed for the better by this person,” Gillihan suggests. “Include little things, like ‘He did the dishes last night,’ as well as bigger ones, like ‘She taught me that I’m unconditionally lovable.'”
“Spend 15 minutes writing down all the ways in which your life has been changed for the better.”
Reminding yourself of every asset your partner has added to your life will make you appreciate all the time you’ve had together and feel newly excited about all the good times that are still to come.
If that doesn’t give you the heart-eyes emoji feels, you may want to consider that visit to the therapist’s couch…
Marissa Gainsburg Marissa Gainsburg is the Features Director at Women’s Health, where she oversees the magazine’s news-meets-trends Warm Up section and Love & Life section. Macaela Mackenzie Macaela Mackenzie is a freelance journalist specializing in health, culture, and tech, and she regularly contributes to outlets like Prevention, Women’s Health, Shape, Allure, Men’s Health, the John Hopkins Health Review, and more.
How To Bring Love Back Into Your Dying Relationship
Are you thinking of how to bring love back into your dying relationship?
Most people in a long-term relationship or marriage discovered they have less feelings for their lovers, simply, because they keep repeating certain love routine, it becomes boring, dull and uninteresting.
There are something special and unique about love, that is only if we invest power to nourish it, we can only enjoy the love of relationship or marriage if we are committed to it.
Some people quit their current relationship because of it boredom, and later discovered that if they don’t invest power, love and commitment into such union, no matter the numbers of relationship they have, they still quit.
To fell in love is the easiest thing, but to stay in love and to remain loved is the hardest thing which requires discipline and self control.
If you are in a dead relationship already, don’t be hopeless, there are ways on how to bring love back into your dying relationship.
Also read: how to improve self-esteem in a relationship
How you can bring love back into your dying relationship
There are some certain things you need to be doing that will keep reminding you both that you have intimate you’re both sharing.
The term “romance” has developed wings and flew out of most marriages. It is different from sex, the pyramid of most couples is just work and sex, no night dates, no eyes contact, no kissing, no hugging.
Romance is a glue of relationship, it makes us to feel special, loved and needed. As a human, we feel more loved when we were touched, cuddled or kissed.
As lovers, we can’t do without hurting each other. A husband will definitely hurt his wife, vice versa. True relationship will have fight, argument, hurting, but finally at the end “there should be forgiveness”.
When lack of forgiveness sets in, it dramatically reduces love, hatred and misunderstanding come along, then you find it very difficult to overlook little annoying things. Afterwards, it reduces the rate of communication, Thereby make you lose the common interest you are both sharing.
The spirit of forgiveness is very important in a relationship and never allow ego to have power over you in order to keep moving.
When last did you appreciate your partner? If not gift, at least for his/her love and care.
You must always let him/her know how important he/she is to you. It would make him/her feel loved and respected. And try to let him/her know what you love most about him/her. I do tell my hubby what I love about him and he feels loved and overwhelmed with those commendations.
Don’t be too shy to tell each other things you appreciate or grateful about each other. It helps to sparkle up relationship
4. Have Fun Together
Having fun together makes you shares pleasant memories together. It is very romantic when couple create a special moment for themselves
Arrange a lovely place where you would go on a date and talk about your love and feelings.
Also read: 6 secrets on how to have a successful relationship
We do commit ourselves in one relationship or the other, but along the line we found ourselves lost. To maintain an healthy relationship, you must keep checking the level of your commitment and recommitting yourself into it in order to get positive result.
If you leave your relationship unnurtured, it becomes obsolete or fade, because love fades if it is not nourished, that is why you must keep working on your relationship so that it will remains viable.
You could have a wonderful relationship or marrige which everyone is willing to have, all it needs is to spark up your relationship with all the keys listed above.