- Have the Most Satisfying Sex Possible
- Pelvic Muscles and What’s Required for Good Orgasmic Contractions
- Fill Your Sexual Toy Chest: Toys Aren’t Just for Kids!
- All Hail Mother’s Little Helper, the Great and Powerful Vibrator
- What kinds of sex do people have?
- What are erogenous zones?
- What’s the sexual response cycle?
- How often do people have sex?
- 4 Healthy Ways to Make Sex Feel Better Tonight
- 1. Sex Shouldn’t Require Mind-Reading
- 2. Use the Right Lubricant
- 3. Get That Itching and Burning Checked Out
- 4. Do Something Different
- 1. The Card Trick
- 2. The Not-Your-Average-Missionary Trick
- 3. The Whole-New-Ball-Game Trick
- 4. The Place-You-Don’t-Want-to-Go-But-Should Trick
- 5. The Taste-‘N’-Smell-O-Rama Trick
- 6. The Ridiculously Simple Apparel Trick
- 7. The Getting-to-Know-Yourself Trick
- 8. The Magic-Touch Trick
- 9. The G-Spot Orgasm Trick
- 10. The Condom Trick
- 11. The Volume Trick
- 12. The Porn Trick
- 13. The Get-Out-of-the-House Trick
- 14. The Tie Trick
- 15. The Toy Trick
- 16. The Game Trick
- Treatments for sexual dysfunction
- The truth is that you can be struggling and still be loved.
- When Sex Hurts: Tips and Tricks to Overcome Discomfort
- Why Does Sex Hurt Me? 7 Steps To Preventing Pain So You Can Enjoy Yourself in The Sack
Have the Most Satisfying Sex Possible
RELATED: Acupuncture Helps Boost Your Sex Drive, Sex Life, and Pleasure
Pelvic Muscles and What’s Required for Good Orgasmic Contractions
In addition to more obvious workouts, like Pilates or yoga, which help strengthen the pelvic floor while exercising your whole body, some physical therapy studios, such as the Herman and Wallace Pelvic Rehabilitation Institute, specialize in pelvic floor health. A good orgasmic contraction has to go from a fully relaxed long state to a fully tense short state so if your pelvic muscles are constantly contracted, you won’t get the full Monty. Practice exercises that relax those muscles.
Hecht recommends these moves to ease tight pelvic muscles:
- Happy Baby Pose Lie on your back and bring both knees to your chest. Bending at the knee, raise the lower part of your legs straight up in the air. Keep your feet flexed and hold on at the soles. Pull your feet so that you are pulling your knees toward the floor. You are stretching and opening your pelvic floor.
- Inner Thigh Groin Stretch Sit on the floor with your legs spread straight to each side as far as you can go. Breathe rhythmically as you lean forward and then over each leg so you feel a stretch in the inner thighs.
- Proper Kegels Squeeze your anal and vaginal region tight for five seconds to start. Breathe through it. Don’t squeeze your butt or abdominal muscles. Work up to 10 seconds. Release slowly and relax fully. Wait for 10 seconds before trying again. If you work up to 10 seconds, rest for 20. Do 10 repetitions. Then do a faster squeeze: Squeeze the anal-vaginal area for a second and relax for two seconds. Exhale in rhythm during the squeeze, inhaling during the relaxation. Do two sets of 10 reps once a day. Kegels strengthen and stabilize the core.
RELATED: Yoga Enhances Sex and Sexual Health for Men and Women
Fill Your Sexual Toy Chest: Toys Aren’t Just for Kids!
There are a variety of gadgets out there intended to intensify stimulation or increase your ability to feel sensation in different parts of your body. You could have nipple stimulation at the same time that you have other stimulation. Everyone is different; explore what works for you. (Go ahead, you don’t necessarily need a partner for this!)
All Hail Mother’s Little Helper, the Great and Powerful Vibrator
All it wants to do is please you.
“It doesn’t poop out the way a hand or tongue can. A vibrator is steady and consistent,” says Barnard, who is also co-owner of A Woman’s Touch Sexuality Resource Center in Madison, Wisconsin. Vibrators come in all sizes, speeds, materials, and price points, and can hit many erogenous spots or just stay with one. If you are not sure what you like (hard vibrations or gentles pulses?) or how you will use it, choose one that provides adjustable levels of vibration and can be used internally and externally. “Don’t go too complicated or you’ll spend more time figuring out how to use the thing than enjoying the sensations,” says Barnard.
Men aren’t left out of the fun. Barnard recommends:
- Use an erection ring with a vibrator or a vibrator externally on the penis; playing with a vibrator under the head at the frenulum is a good technique to increase the intensity of stimulation of the nerves that trigger orgasm.
- A pump or erection ring can intensify erections. This makes access to the nerves easier.
- Add prostate stimulation with a finger, a prostate stimulator like one of the Aneros devices, or a vibrator intended for prostate stimulation. This stimulates more sensory nerves and can increase the odds of achieving orgasm.
If you are too shy to go to a brick-and-mortar store, turn on the private browser feature on your computer. Plenty of online stores are discreet.
Sex can be confusing. This holds true regardless of your gender, and regardless of your sexuality.
That said, women tend to feel more shame about their bodies. Because of our “machinery,” women are also more frequently uncertain about how their parts work and how to have orgasms during lovemaking.
But both women and men can enjoy blissful erotic encounters just by empowering themselves with self-knowledge. Sexuality aside, each partner should focus on good sexual communication, and what feels good to them.
Here are some of my tried and tested suggestions to increase women’s pleasure during sex, and to send temperatures soaring in the bedroom …
1. Explore Tantric and Taoist perspectives on sex.
Tantra and Taoism tell us that men are like fire and women are like water. What this means is that men heat up quickly but also extinguish quickly, whereas women are a slow boil, but once hot, can simmer for hours. There are, of course, variations to this, but taking a slower, more holistic approach allows for greater sensation.
2. Take your time.
Create an environment where she knows she has time to focus and relax. Remove all distractions and responsibilities, including work, children, TV and any daily errands. Check in advance to see how you can support her to make sure these things are done so she can focus for an hour or two (or a whole weekend) just on herself.
By supporting her in knowing she has time to just switch off, you are holding space for her to begin enjoying sex. Being rushed, distracted or disturbed can be off-putting for her. Having all these bases covered shows her you’re sensitive to her and helps you create space she can retreat deeply into.
3. Pay attention to her and her needs.
For a lot of women, orgasm alone is empty when there’s no deeper connection or intention embedded within it. Sure, orgasms feel good. But many women can be left feeling “meh” after an orgasm — especially if she feels expected to perform immediately thereafter for you.
Instead, try touching her whole body with long firm strokes to get her blood moving. A stiff and nonresponsive lover is hard to get any kind of ignition happening with. By using long firm strokes over her whole body and inviting her to breathe and relax, you are letting her know she has all the time in the world to enjoy your offerings.
4. Map her body.
Explore different erogenous zones on her body including, neck, shoulders, scalp, ears, belly, inner thighs, inner arms, back, buttocks and feet. Try experimenting with speed or pressure. Light feathery touch can feel nice sometimes but annoying at others. Invite her feedback to help navigate her body. Then follow her cues.
5. Allow her to indicate when she is ready to receive.
Always keep communication in mind when it comes to intimacy — but especially for genital touch. Start slowly then build up. Use a quality silicone lubricant (or saliva if a regular partner) as dry fingers on genitals don’t feel great. Ask her how she likes to be touched or even ask her to show you.
Keep your focus on the vulva (inner and outer lips) and the clitoris (in other words, not the vagina — AKA inside). This is helpful because if you are both interested in helping her orgasm, staying focused on stimulating the outer areas is a great way to start. For a lot of women, a clitoral orgasm doesn’t require any kind of vaginal penetration, unless she wants and likes it. Don’t assume that she must have vaginal stimulation to orgasm — especially if you’re trying to make the session all about her needs.
6. Keep certain places in mind.
First, encourage her to relax: this can help her surrender into an orgasmic experience. Using a powerful external vibrator on her clitoris can help this process. Bringing toys into your lovemaking creates opportunity for her to really open up sexually while taking pressure off you to be the sole provider — (especially if she’s a “simmerer”) as some women can indulge in an hour or more of play before even thinking about orgasm. Remember for a lot of women, extending the pleasure can be greater than any orgasm at all.
7. Invite her to participate in the process.
Ask questions, and encourage her to express herself and her needs (and desires!). Sometimes it’s just the right combination of time, relaxation and technique that will provide the ultimate recipe to deep, succulent surrender and satisfaction.
iStockphoto It’s a new year, so why not resolve to have better sex? We spoke to top sex and relationship experts to hear their tips—little things you can put into practice tonight!—to help transform your love life.
1. Don’t think about the kids (not even for a second). This one’s for you, Supermama! “If a woman wants to have a happier and more fulfilling sex life with her husband, she’s got to set aside whatever is distracting her from him—that includes the kids,” says Les Parrott, PhD, professor of psychology at Seattle Pacific University and author of Crazy Good Sex. Here’s why this is so critical, Dr. Parrott explains: “He knows when you are genuinely with him, and when you are merely trying to check sex with him off your list.”
2. One word: lube. Lubricant is the little thing that every woman should try to improve her sexual pleasure, and in some cases, even reduce sex-induced pain, says Amy Levine, sex coach, certified sexuality educator and founder of SexEdSolutions.com. “Using a lube is sure to enhance sexual enjoyment,” says Levine. “Some women feel there is a stigma attached to using over-the-counter lubricants, as they are self-conscious that it implies something is wrong with them.” Not true! “The truth is, our natural lubrication comes and goes during a sexual encounter; it’s not necessarily an indication of our arousal. Besides, using a lube can make penetration a lot more enjoyable for both partners,” she adds.
3. Don’t strive for perfection. Cellulite? Baby weight? If you can manage to ignore it during sex, it will only intensify your pleasure, says Scott Haltzman, MD, clinical assistant professor at Brown University and author of The Secrets of Happily Married Women. After all, your husband probably doesn’t notice it anyway. “Many women think they have to compete with Sports Illustrated models or porn stars in order to turn their man on,” he says. “But your man married you because you already had the right stuff. When women obsess about getting it perfect in bed, they actually increase their levels of anxiety and are less able to feel fulfilled. You can let your and your husband’s natural rhythms guide you, rather than think about what move to do next. And if you’re not getting the right vibes, it’s OK to ask for what you want, or to ask what pleases him.”
4.Silence your inner critic. Do you ever find yourself thinking about negative things in the bedroom? Whether it’s about him, you or something else, try to zap those thoughts fast. “Nothing will sabotage a woman’s sex life with her husband more than critical thoughts,” says Dr. Parrott. “The key is to relax and be in the moment as much as possible. Criticism, even if it’s not articulated, is deeply wounding in this most tender of places. Sex is a vulnerable act, and because of that, criticism is certain to cause anxiety and defensiveness. Make your bedroom a criticism-free zone.”
5. Remember the emotional side of sex. “Why do studies show that married people have better sex then their wild and crazy single friends, or even their cohabitating pals?” asks Dr. Haltzman. “Because when you have an emotional connection to the person you are in bed with, the quality of the sex can be richer and deeper. When you’re with your husband, focus on the commitment you have toward each other. See yourselves not just together in bed, but together in life, and it will increase your passion, and your sexual pleasure.”
6. Schedule sex. It doesn’t sound very sexy, but putting sex on your calendar may be one of the most important things a couple can do, says Levine. “Many women are ‘doing it all’—taking care of the kids, having a job and running the household—and it’s getting in the way of ‘doing it.’ Our lives are so hectic and sometimes our sex life is moved to the back burner. But if you want to make it sizzle, make the time for intimacy and pleasure.”
7. A quick phone call, e-mail or smile—think about “foreplay” in new ways. Do you have 30 seconds? Send your husband a steamy text message or an innocent little “I love you” e-mail. It will go a long way in the love department, says Dr. Parrott. “Sexual intimacy rests on the foundation of emotional intimacy—especially for a woman,” he says. “The happiest couples in the bedroom are the couples who see opportunities for emotional foreplay all day long. For these couples, sex is not a few minutes of physical pleasure, it’s a process that involves engaging conversations and gentle caresses as a prelude to what happens in bed.”
8. Put a lock on your bedroom door. Nothing quashes desire like a midnight intruder at the door saying, “Mommy, I have to go potty!” Dr. Parrott says, “If you have little ones, you’re bound to be nervous about them showing up at the most inopportune moment, so eliminate this fear with a simple lock. Untold couples suffer anxiety about this when it is such a simple problem to solve.”
9. Try to keep anger out of the bedroom. “For many couples, when you feel bad about your relationship, you feel bad about sex too,” says Dr. Haltzman. “When conflict leads to feelings of resentment toward your mate, that can be a red flag for the health of the marriage. The best solution for letting go of the hurt is to stop and try to see your husband’s behavior from his point of view. Remember, it’s not like he wakes up in the morning and says, ‘What can I do to make her life miserable?’ so don’t assume the worst.”
10.Initiate sex. When’s the last time you instigated sex? “This may be the most important tip of all,” says Dr. Parrott. “Far too many women wait for their husband to make the move. And after a while, this sends an unintended message to him—that you see sex with him as a duty. Don’t let that happen! Make it your goal to initiate sex with him at least once a month. You’ll be amazed at how responsive he is!”
Sarah Jio is the health and fitness blogger for Glamour.com. Read her blog, Vitamin G, here.
WD wants to answer your toughest sex questions! Submit your most pressing sexual questions to [email protected], and we will address the topic in an upcoming article–anonymity guaranteed.
In This Section
- How do I have good sex?
- How do I talk to my partner about sex?
Good sex comes from understanding how your body works. Everyone has different sex drives and likes different things when it comes to sex, so don’t worry about whether you’re “normal.”
What kinds of sex do people have?
Sex isn’t one size fits all. What feels good to you might not be right for someone else. Everyone’s different when it comes to sexual behaviors and desires, but here are some common kinds of sexual activity:
masturbating alone or with a partner
oral, vaginal, and anal sex
rubbing your bodies together
using sex toys
phone sex or “sexting”
reading or watching porn
sex talk, or “talking dirty” during sex
People get turned on by different things, so communicating about what you like or don’t like lets your partner know what’s OK and what’s off limits.
What are erogenous zones?
Some body parts have lots of nerve endings and make you feel excited or aroused when they’re touched. Those are your erogenous zones. The biggest erogenous zone for most people is their genital areas: the vulva, clitoris, labia, vagina, penis, scrotum, perineum, prostate, and anus.
Usually the penis and clitoris are the most sensitive. Other common erogenous zones are the breasts, nipples, thighs, butt, mouth, ears, neck, and feet. But everyone’s different, so what feels good to you might not feel good to your partners — you have to ask them to find out!
What’s the sexual response cycle?
The sexual response cycle is how your body reacts to sexual stimulation. It can happen with a partner, by yourself…and even in your sleep! You don’t always go through all stages of the cycle — you can stop at any time.
The first step is desire, or having sexually arousing thoughts. That can lead to excitement, when your body gets ready for sex. Your heart rate goes up, your muscles tense, and blood flows to your genitals.
The next step is the plateau phase, when you’re really aroused and keep that feeling going by masturbating or having sex.
At the end of the plateau phase is orgasm, when the tension you built up is released in a series of muscle spasms that feel really good. Your body releases endorphins — hormones that make you feel happy and relaxed.
The resolution phase happens at the end of the sexual response cycle, whether you have an orgasm or stop before that. Resolution means your body goes back to how it was before you got aroused.
How often do people have sex?
There’s no amount of sex that’s considered “normal” — everyone’s different. How often you have sex depends on a lot of things, like whether you have a partner, what else is going on in your life, and how strong your sex drive (your desire to have sex) is.
People have different sex drives. Your own sex drive can change based on things like stress, medications you take, and other physical, emotional, and lifestyle factors. Some people want to have sex every day or more than once a day, and some people hardly ever want to have sex. People who don’t experience any sexual attraction for anyone may call themselves asexual.
Was this page helpful?
Help us improve – how could this information be more helpful?
How did this information help you?
You’re the best! Thanks for your feedback. Thanks for your feedback.
4 Healthy Ways to Make Sex Feel Better Tonight
By Amy Levine, MA, CSE, Special to Everyday Health
Three simple letters that elicit myriad thoughts and feelings. Sex has the potential to involve all of the senses, turn us on, happen solo or with a partner, allow us the opportunity to give and to receive, and be incredibly pleasurable. But for many people, sex isn’t the connected and fulfilling experience we know is possible. Sometimes pain or discomfort is to blame. Other times it’s sabotaged by common issues like body-bashing thoughts, anxiety, or stress. Often with subtle adjustments, sex can feel and be a lot better.
As a sex coach, I often play detective with my clients to figure out what they need to elevate their sexual experiences. Here are some of the solutions I share with them that I think will help you have a more pleasurable sex life too.
1. Sex Shouldn’t Require Mind-Reading
Here’s a four-letter word that will make sex better: T-A-L-K.
We can’t expect our partners to read our minds. It’s essential we know what we need, want, and desire. Communication is directly related to our pleasure potential.
Sexual Solution: Know your erogenous areas. If you’re not sure what turns you on, make time for solo sessions to explore every inch of your skin. Feel the webbing of your fingers and toes, trace your finger down the outermost part of your ear, stroke your thighs, and then go for the obvious “feel good” areas. When you know what you like, tell your partner. Or show him or her what feels best by putting your hand over theirs, guiding them to the spot and showing them how to mimic the motions.
If you feel self-conscious, experience stress, anxiety, pain or discomfort, speak up as it arises during physical intimacy. Say something (like, “please stop I’m in pain, etc” or “let’s slow down”) or do what’s needed (like, shift your body) to feel at ease in the moment. Then, so it doesn’t create frustration, talk with your partner outside the bedroom at another time. Together come up with possible solutions or find an expert to help you navigate the situation.
2. Use the Right Lubricant
Dryness, like wetness, can come and go throughout a sexual encounter no matter how turned on you may be. Also, women rarely get the 20 minutes of foreplay (kissing, fooling around, or oral sex) needed to increase arousal and feel more connected. That said, there are many health conditions and circumstances that make it difficult to produce ample amounts of lubrication, if at all.
The most common culprits: hormonal shifts (including childbirth, breastfeeding, and menopause); allergies; anti-estrogen drugs and other medications and supplements; medical treatments (including radiation and chemotherapy); and surgical procedures (like removal of the ovaries).
Sexual Solution: Wetter can feel better. Add a lubricant during solo and partnered sex, whether it’s for vulva or vaginal touch or penetration (start with a squirt of lube the size of a dime and increase the amount as needed. Use it on your vulva and vagina where you’re being stimulated or on his penis).
There are three common types of lubricants — water-based, silicone-based, and oil-based. It’s best to use liquid instead of a messy jelly consistency. When buying lube, select a vagina-friendly brand (without glycerin and chemicals you can’t pronounce). Organic brands, like , are a great option. If you’re using latex condoms, avoid oil-based lubricants like baby oil, body lotion, or lubes. As a side note, don’t use silicone-based lubes with silicone toys, as it causes the toys to deteriorate.
3. Get That Itching and Burning Checked Out
Itching and burning could be the sign of infection for both men and women, and it’s best to go to your doc to find out what’s behind it. If it coincides with sex, and you know it’s not a recurring yeast, bacterial, or viral infection, it could be an allergy to latex or nonoxynol 9 (N-9), a spermicidal lubricant often found on condoms and used with a cervical cap or diaphragm. If vaginal dryness is the culprit, lube is a likely remedy.
Sexual Solution: Switch to a different type of condom. The other options are polyurethane, polyisoprene, and lambskin. A few things to keep in mind: Polyurethane and lambskin can be used with oil-based lube. And lambskin condoms only reduce the risk of pregnancy, not sexually transmitted diseases (if a partner is infected). If N-9 allergy seems to be an issue, find condoms that don’t have spermicidal lubricant on them. And switch from a cervical cap or diaphragm to a different method of contraception.
4. Do Something Different
Sometimes it’s a shift in position or being adventurous by trying something new that can instantly make sex more satisfying and exciting.
Sexual Solution: When you’re in any sexual position, try shifting — up, down, right, or left — to elevate arousal or minimize musculoskeletal or myofascial discomfort and pain. For some situations — such as when, during doggy style, his penis is hitting your cervix and creating a cramping sensation — a shift can make a change in a split second. Propping problem areas under pillows can also make sex more comfortable.
Since most women don’t climax from vaginal penetration alone, focus on the clitoris. After all, the sole purpose of this hot spot is for pleasure. Using a sex toy like the popular “bullet” shape — which easily slides between two people — boosts your arousal and increases your orgasmic ability. Or discover other erogenous areas like the g-spot, which can be detected once you’re turned on.
For guys who have trouble maintaining an erection, a penis ring made of soft material can do the trick. And his prostate is likely his most sensitive spot if he let’s you explore.
Fantasy, whether it’s a thought of something sexy or erotic that’s happened in the past or a mental movie of something you want to unfold, can fast-track desire and arousal from 0 to 60. And role-playing, whether you’re pretending to be someone or somewhere else, can reinvigorate a sexual relationship. Especially if you’re adding something fun like light bondage to your sack session, after being inspired by Fifty Shades of Grey on date night.
Amy Levine, MA, CSE, is a sex coach featured in magazines including Glamour, Health, and SELF. In her SPARK and IGNITE coaching sessions, Amy helps people solve their most intimate sexual dilemmas, inspiring them to become empowered in and out of bed.
Sex is everywhere — if we’re not watching actual sex scenes on TV or in the movies, we’re watching celebrities parade down red carpets practically naked. It’s not just porn that sets unrealistic expectations for what’s sexy anymore, and it can be hard to feel like you measure up when it comes time to get naked IRL.
But if you want to keep sex fresh in a long-term relationship or you want to feel more confident in the bedroom, there are plenty of things you can do without going OTT. Just give these tricks a try.
1. The Card Trick
People should not have sex without talking about it — lovingly, salaciously, practically, fearlessly — and often. How else can we know how to thrill each other? Couples don’t ask for what they want because they’re afraid they won’t get it. If you don’t ask, however, you are sure not to get it. The spoken word can be foreplay, intimate and hot. Be brave. Dr. Ava Cadell suggests this sex game. Plan to make a night of it:
First, set the mood for a romantic evening with your partner. Then write all your sex fantasies on three-by-five-inch cards. All of them, no matter how bestial, or politically taboo.
Then, read your cards together and, as you do, divide them into three piles: fantasies you want to turn into reality (e.g., sex in an airplane lavatory); fantasies you want to keep that way (e.g., sex with your man and another woman); and fantasies that do nothing for one of the partners (e.g., sex with Big Bird).
Finally, discard the pile of fantasies that turn a partner off. Keep the other two piles. Have one partner choose a card from one of them, and then do whatever’s written on it. If he chooses this time, you get to choose next time. If the chosen fantasy is one you both want to keep a fantasy, you don’t have to actually do it — just make love as you talk about it. Example: He picks the fantasy where he makes love to you and another woman (most men’s number one choice). Start to make love while both of you describe, in exquisite carnal detail, who’s doing what to whom and how.
2. The Not-Your-Average-Missionary Trick
Q: When is the missionary position not the missionary position?
A: When you stroke your man’s perineum. This small stretch of flesh between the anus and the testicles is an exalted but often neglected place. When it is caressed or gently prodded during sex, men fuse with the eighth dimension. Don’t assume that the great favor of your vagina is enough. Gild the lily.
3. The Whole-New-Ball-Game Trick
A man’s testicles, says Dr. Cadell, are the complement to our ovaries: a mystical place, the epicenter of new life. But unlike ovaries, testicles can be touched — and, boy, should they be touched. The sensations they produce are beyond the sum of their parts (forgive the pun): profound. Pinch, tug, suck on his testicles. Linger. Dawdle. Don’t make this an afterthought. This is a destination in itself.
4. The Place-You-Don’t-Want-to-Go-But-Should Trick
It’s the anus. Not yours, his. Penetrating a man’s anus stimulates his prostate — the male G-spot. Do not underestimate the power of this tip-off. The results are titanic.
Start by lightly circling the outside of his anus with your fingers or tongue. Try a small, thin vibrator. If your man wants you to proceed with penetration, you can lubricate the vibrator, or use a lubricated, covered finger. Buy latex finger cots at the drugstore. They’ll prevent internal skin tears and, frankly, make the whole transaction easier for you. I promise you that his slack-jawed, pinwheel-eyed, puppy-like gratitude will abate any reluctance on your part.
5. The Taste-‘N’-Smell-O-Rama Trick
Smell and taste can be vivid sexual lures, especially the way you smell and taste. Does he really like your signature perfume? Might he prefer something trashier? Spicier? Experiment.
Try bathing with a new scented oil. Walk out in a towel, then ask him to smell you and nibble and share what he thinks. Show him where. Unless you’ve bathed in skunk oil, his sharing will involve few words.
Play with flavored lubricants. There are dozens to choose from, like chocolate pudding flavor, strawberry, tangerine. Even if you don’t really need lubricants for intercourse, they’re wholesomely lewd, and they increase sensation.
Some men don’t want flavored or scented anything. They crave the smell and taste of an aroused woman, unadorned. If you have such a man, here’s a marvelous move: Find a private moment in a public place. Tell him you can’t wait to get home ’cause you’re wet just thinking about him. Maintain eye contact as you (discreetly! sensuously!) snake your hand inside your clothes to your vagina. Touch yourself. Draw your hand out and put your fingers in his mouth. Say sweetly, “See?”
6. The Ridiculously Simple Apparel Trick
No woman alive needs to be told that sight is every man’s number one stimulus when it comes to sex. This is often the bane of our existence (as when his head swivels in a restaurant like NASA radar). But the power of sight can work for you.
Forget acrylic nails, or those “darling” accessories, or that new workout gear — men couldn’t care less. Take that cash and invest in lingerie. It can be demure; it can be enticingly sleazy. “Lingerie” — way above “please” or “thank you” — is the magic word.
Slinky, lacy black things are classics. Start there.
7. The Getting-to-Know-Yourself Trick
Practice makes perfect. And perfecting your orgasms alone will give you the confidence to relax—deux. The first thing you have to do is banish the notion that you must have an orgasm through intercourse. Not a lot of women do, and some who say they do are lying. Most women, however, can climax with masturbation, and it’s a great way to learn what really works for you.
Get loose with yourself. Make the time. Wear something hot. Try different kinds of vibrators. Try different positions: on your back, in a chair, kneeling in front of a mirror. Touch yourself in different ways — for instance, play with your labia only until the verge of orgasm, and only then touch your clitoris directly. Build sensations slowly; keep yourself near the verge for as long as you can. Discover what works best for you, and explain it to your partner. He can’t read your mind.
8. The Magic-Touch Trick
Masturbate in front of your man. Masturbate him while he watches. Don’t be shy. Describe what you’re doing as you do it.
9. The G-Spot Orgasm Trick
The good news: You definitely have a G-spot. The bad news: Finding it is like playing pin the tail on the donkey.
The G-spot is, anatomically speaking, your urethral sponge — a sprig of knowledge that’s wildly unerotic. It’s our version of the male prostate, best stimulated through the vagina’s front wall with your fingers, or with a flexing, antenna-like vibrator designed for this quest.
To find your G-spot, get yourself nicely aroused; then, inserting one or two fingers, palm up, press slowly around your vagina’s front wall, about two inches up. It varies from girl to girl. Before hell freezes over you will hit a dime-size, slightly ridged spot that provokes an urge to urinate. Engrave that location on your brain, then go and do so. When you return, find it again. This time ignore the got-to-go feeling; you’ll know it’s false. If you keep stimulating, that sensation will bloom into pleasure. Once you’ve aced this, demonstrate it for your partner.
10. The Condom Trick
There are times when you just need a condom, no matter how smugly exclusive you are: You have a yeast infection, he has a weird red spot, you’re in Hawaii without your pills. But produce one and you see the face of a petulant toddler veneered on the man you love.
Try saying this: “But, baby, I need to practice putting them on with my mouth.” Men love this. Let him know it’s an old hookers’ trick. Here’s how it goes: Hold the condom so the rolled edge is facing you. Place it between your lips and teeth that way. Stick your tongue in the middle so tongue-in-condom pokes out just a bit. Put tongue-in-condom on the head of the penis (if you want to train for this before the actual event, practice on a banana). Cover your teeth with your lips and ease your mouth over his penis until the condom is unrolled. Make sure you leave some space at the top for semen. And don’t conduct this like a relay race. A little finesse, if you please!
Genius, huh? You’re welcome.
11. The Volume Trick
Do make noise during sex. Dr. Cadell says enthusiasm is the number one turn-on for men.
12. The Porn Trick
They say to keep electronics out of the bedroom (and you should) to keep intimacy alive, but porn is the exception. One quick search to his favorite fantasy will have him ooooohhhing and ahhhhing before you even touch him. Don’t think this trick is just for your partner, though —porn will get the juices flowing for you, too, and could open your mind to new sexual possibilities. “Hearing arousal is often in it of itself arousing, and certainly the visual of seeing people receiving pleasure is, too,” explains sex and relationships expert Megan Fleming, Ph.D. Dim the lights, press play, and let the soothing sounds of others getting off help you get off.
13. The Get-Out-of-the-House Trick
It’s one thing to take your sex life out of the bedroom; it’s a whole new ball game to move your sex life out of the house completely. Maybe it’s an evening in the park after the wine is drunk and the cheese has been eaten when the park is clearing out and your picnic blanket is the perfect cover for some discretion… Or maybe it’s in a parked car in a deserted parking lot? “For some people, the risk of being seen is a huge turn-on,” says Fleming. “The idea you could get caught is a little taboo and increases the arousal.” Granted, don’t be stupid. Please don’t bone in broad daylight on the beach with hundreds around.
14. The Tie Trick
“Our biggest sex organ is our mind but our biggest organ is our skin,” says Fleming. Grabbing a blindfold or wrapping a tie around his eyes can heighten his senses for some pretty explosives results. Take the lead by grabbing a few ice cubes and experiment with temperature play on your man’s body from head to toe. Light a massage candle and leave your guy alone naked and blindfolded while the aromatherapy relaxes his mind but his body aches to feel your touch. The possibilities are endless.
15. The Toy Trick
The fact is that most women orgasm from clitoral stimulation — so why not bring in a vibrator? Try something small and hands-free that you can use on your clitoris. Yes, your partner will love seeing you writhe in ecstasy, but just as importantly, you’ll feel good. You can also bring in a vibrator for your partner to use on you, one you can use together, or maybe a toy you’d like to use on him.
BUY NOW Eva Hands-Free Clitoral Vibrator, $105, lovehoney.com
BUY NOW Gigi 2, $149, babeland.com
BUY NOW WeVibe Sync, $199, babeland.com
BUY NOW Vibrating Pleasure Probe, $40, babeland.com
16. The Game Trick
Make sex and foreplay a game by breaking out some dice to determine exactly what you’ll be doing, or try one of these X-rated activities. It’ll add an element of surprise and change things up.
BUY NOW Spicy Dice Fun, $18, amazon.com
Follow Redbook on Facebook.
By: Holly L. Thacker, MD
Cleveland Clinic is a non-profit academic medical center. Advertising on our site helps support our mission. We do not endorse non-Cleveland Clinic products or services. Policy
Some women struggle to enjoy sex. It’s a common issue and also a complicated one because the reasons for these feelings can vary widely from one woman to another. It can be a physical issue, a psychological issue, or both. And it can make women and their partners feel isolated or less connected, so it’s important to address these issues.
What doctors call Female Sexual Dysfunction (FSD) can fall into five types of problems:
- Low libido, or what doctors refer to as Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder (HSDD).
- Painful sex. This can include pain during sex due to menopausal vulvo-vaginal atrophy resulting from a lack of hormones as well as a burning pain syndrome of the genitals.
- Difficulty being aroused. Sexual Arousal Disorder can originate in the genital area (comparable to erectile dysfunction in men) or an issue at the brain level (which is more common in women).
- Aversion to sex. Often, this is related to a history of sexual abuse.
- Inability to achieve orgasm. Up to 10-20 percent of women never achieved orgasm and many others have difficulty. But there are treatments available for this.
It’s important to note that if a woman isn’t bothered by low libido or if she likes intimacy with her partner but simply doesn’t seek it, this isn’t considered a problem. It is normal for women to lose some of their sexual drive as they get older, and much depends on whether or not she considers this an issue.
Treatments for sexual dysfunction
There are a variety of treatments for sexual dysfunction, depending on the root cause of the problem. There are a variety of options, including an oral medication and hormones as well as others that are simply creams or devices that help women feel aroused.
Possible treatments include:
- Off-label testosterone – This can effectively treat low libido but requires the help of a hormone expert. Too much testosterone can lead to acne, hair loss, facial hair growth, aggressiveness and permanent voice changes.
- Zestra – Currently, over-the-counter Zestra (a botanical oil to apply to the genitals) is available to enhance a woman’s ability to climax.
- EROS device – The FDA-approved agent, the EROS device, is available by prescription to help women with climax.
- INTONE ™ and Intensity™ – There is a new FDA approved electrical stimulating device called INTONE ™ devised to help treat urinary leakage in women that may also help with orgasmic capacity. In fact, a smaller device, called Intensity™ works on its own to improve and stimulate female orgasms and does not require physician prescription.
- Vaginal estrogen – Available as a cream, a tablet or a vaginal ring, and considered the best treatment for genital arousal problems and pain from vulvovaginal atrophy that occurs in many postmenopausal women.
- Off-Label use of Vaginal DHEA 1 percent suppository – An adrenal precursor that women with vaginal atrophy/thinning/decreased sensation can use as an alternative to vaginal estrogen.
- Osphena – The first, non-estrogen oral therapy for moderate to severe painful sexual activity due to vulvovaginal atrophy.
- Flibanserin (Addyi®) – This drug was recently approved by the FDA to restore female sexual desire in women before menopause. It must be taken orally every day, and it may have side effects, such as severe low blood pressure and fainting.
To find the right treatments, women should talk with their doctors. There is help for female sexual dysfunction — it’s treatable and there are a variety of treatment options.
The truth is that you can be struggling and still be loved.
The female body isn’t as complicated as men think it is. If they followed a few simple pieces of advice, then women everywhere would be way happier in bed, because they’d get the amount of orgasms they deserve. Here are a few sex tips that should be common sense. Simone Becchetti
1. Sex shouldn’t hurt for her. At all.
2. Every time you get an orgasm, you should give an orgasm.
3. Remind her of how beautiful her naked body is. Even her tummy flab and cellulite.
4. Start paying way more attention to her clit.
5.Kiss her neck. Kiss her neck. Kiss her neck.
6. Don’t call her a slut or push her head down, unless you know she’s into that.
7. Buy her lingerie, but don’t pressure her to wear it.
8. Make direct eye contact while you thrust.
9. Don’t assume she can bend herself into ridiculous positions. That shit hurts.
10. Pull her hair. Unless it’s in an up-do that took her an hour to finish.
11. Foreplay for as long as you can take it.
12.Don’t let her do all of the work.
13. Go down on her as often as she goes down on you. Or more.
14. Buy a vibrator. Use it on her while you fuck her.
15. Gentle sex is good, but rough sex can be even better.
16.Consent is key, even if you’re already dating her.
17. Have sex outside of the bedroom. Try the couch, the shower, or even the car.
18. Always have condoms close by.
19. Suck on an ice cube before going down on her.
20. Role play when sex starts feeling stale. The cop and prisoner act never gets old.
21. Keep the room clean. Even light some candles if you’re feeling fancy.
22. Talk to her. Your voice is more of a turn-on than you think.
23. Use lube, so she’s extra comfortable.
24. Initiate it at different times of day. Most women love morning sex.
25. Keep yourself well groomed down there. She doesn’t want stray hairs in her mouth.
26. Listen for her moans. Then keep doing whatever it is that causes those moans.
27. Touch her breasts with your hands, lips, and tongue.
28. Don’t wear childish boxers. It can be a total turn-off.
29. Ask her what she wants. She’ll actually tell you.
30. Cuddle with her when you’re finished.
When Sex Hurts: Tips and Tricks to Overcome Discomfort
I’m only 28yr about to be 29 years old in Oct, my
boyfriend and i met 4 years ago and till this day sex is
so painful. Before i met him i was an unexperience
person who didn’t know alot about sex, done it a few
times in the past but with no problems like this ever..
Makes me not want to do it anymore We are
engaged now i don’t want this to be a problem in the
I Do have Diabetes,Got it right around the time when
i first met him 2010, i understand yeast infections
have a role in why it hurts/Itches like crazy, but i
don’t know what to do. The doctor gave me
medications but they never seem to go away and
when they do it just comes right back a few days
later, i dont have insurance so its not easy to go to
the doctors all the time because it cost so much. Ive
tried to explain to my doctor but not sure if they any
of them get it.
My Skin is also dry down there sometimes, I notice
my skin there is not strong very weak & Thin Im
guessing,Because I Get so many cuts and tears down
there and they start to bleed and sting when i go to
the bathroom and last for day’s. I Tried using so
many diff lubricants but i can’t they burn me inside
feels like Acid inside me same for a condom. There
are times when sex is great but thats like 1 or 2
times a month and then the rest of the time it hurts,
We can’t even do any different positions at all and
when we do try them it just ruins it for us both then i
start to hurt real bad. Only postion i can do is
laydown while he’s on top and he gets so tired of it
and its not comfy for his arms, he has to be a certain
way for me so i don’t end up hurting, My muscles do
tense up sometimes becuase just the thought of me
hurting makes me cringe inside and i end up squeezin
the pillow or sheet to calm me down just a bit, same
way for when im completely relaxed n ready to do it.
the pleasure is just not great anymore and i can see
when i look at him that he’s just dissapointed like
always even when he does climax.
We tried it all from foreplay and taking it extremely
slow and reading things to help, Still nothing.
This is the most hurtful thing ever in my life that i
never thought would happen, hurts me every day
because its all i think about and its not that good
because it mixes in with my Anxiety and depression
has gotten worse. As a women i feel very
unattractive and so sad im not a light female im on
the thicker side i weigh about 200 and im struggling
trying to lose weight like any other women out there
and i know its not easy My doctor did say once i lose
some weight it might start to feel better but i doubt it
because my skin is very sensitive.
My fiance is a great guy he’s understanding and loves
me no matter what, he said it does hurt him, he’s
doing the best he can to get through this. I just dont
want no problems in the future, we both want
children later on also and to live that dream like any
other fun family out there. My mom and some cousin
don’t have this problem.
i dont know what its called or why its happening i
have read so many articles out there an it all kinda
describes how i feel and what symptoms i have but
still a mystery. i dont know what to do im lost and
need some type of help. just strange how this started
happening out of no where 🙁
Just wish i can be normal and enjoy it like any other
women out there 🙁
Here’s a list to what i have found that kinda seems to
what i have maybe, doctors don’t think i have this..
1. Vaginitis” is a medical term used to describe
various conditions that cause infection or
inflammation of the vagina. Vulvovaginitis refers to
inflammation of both the vagina and vulva
Abnormal vaginal discharge with an unpleasant odor.
Burning during urination.
Itching around the outside of the vagina.
Discomfort during intercourse.
Symptoms of vulvodynia usually begin suddenly and
can last anywhere from months to years.
These are the most common symptoms of
Burning, stinging, or rawness
Aching, soreness, or throbbing
A burning pain is the single most common symptom
of vulvodynia. Some women describe it as a knife-like
pain or like an acid poured on the skin.Although the
vulva usually appears normal, it may look a bit
inflamed or swollen.
3. painful intercourse is dyspareunia
(dis-puh-ROO-ne-uh) — which is defined as persistent
or recurrent genital pain that occurs just before,
during or after intercourse
Why Does Sex Hurt Me? 7 Steps To Preventing Pain So You Can Enjoy Yourself in The Sack
We’re always hearing that we could be having better sex, a better orgasm, or a better relationship. But how often do we actually hear the nitty-gritty details of how we might actually achieve those things? Bustle has enlisted Vanessa Marin, a licensed sex psychotherapist based in San Francisco, to help us out with the specifics. This week’s topic: Why sex hurts sometimes, and what you can do about it.
Q: I’m in my first real adult relationship. I’ve been with my boyfriend for a few months, and we just started sleeping together. The thing is, I don’t enjoy sex that much. It doesn’t feel that great, and sometimes it actually hurts a little. I’ve had sex with one other person and felt roughly the same, but we only slept together a few times. I don’t ever say no when my boyfriend initiates because I worry about disappointing him, but I don’t want to get to the point where I start dreading sleeping together. I feel like a freak for saying this, but maybe I just don’t like sex?
A: Thanks so much for your question. There are lots of things to sort out here, so let’s dive right in! Here’s what you need to know.
Know This Is Pretty Common
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you for questioning whether sex is your cup of tea. So many of my female clients complain about sex that is boring, unpleasurable, painful, routine, and just plain bad. I’ve never met someone whose sex life couldn’t be improved in one way or another.
I think the problem is that a lot of people expect sex to be fantastic right out the gate. We seem to think that we should have everything figured out from the time we lose our virginity. We expect to have amazing chemistry with new partners. The reality is that having sex that feels good takes a lot of trial and error.
Consider These Questions
Whenever I hear questions like yours, I immediately start wondering — are you not enjoying the sex you’re having because you’re not into sex, or because the sex you’re having leaves something to be desired? If you’re having sex that isn’t your style — for example, if you like slow, intimate sex, but your boyfriend prefers intense thrusting — you can’t beat yourself up for not liking or wanting it that much.
You may not have had enough sexual experience yet to feel like you can differentiate between what you do and don’t like when it comes to sex. If you’re not sure, think about some of these questions: Does your partner take the time to get to know your body? Have you experimented with different positions, speeds, strokes, or foreplay activities? Have you ever had an orgasm, or gotten close to one? Do you feel connected to your partner when you guys are being intimate? Or, to put it another way, when you’re having sex, are you thinking of ways that it could be different?
Is It The Sex, Or The Frequency?
Another factor to consider is if you’re unsatisfied with the sex itself, or with the frequency with which you’re having it. In other words, if you guys were having sex less often, do you think you would enjoy it more? It seems like you’re forcing yourself to have sex when you don’t want it, which could greatly contribute to the feeling of not being that into it. Food offers a good comparison here. If you force yourself to eat french fries when you’re really not in the mood, would you be beating yourself up for not enjoying those fries? I don’t think so.
One other very difficult topic that ties into this is sexual abuse. If you’ve had your sexual boundaries violated in any way, it can make it really hard to enjoy sex. Even if you’re not being abused, your body can shut down, and you’ll want to talk about those feelings with your boyfriend, and with a professional.
Easy Ways To Make Sex More Pleasurable
If you’re realizing that you’re not quite sure how to have the kind of sex that works for your body, here are some super simple guidelines to follow:
- Take your time. Most women rush into intercourse before their bodies have had the time to warm up to sex. If you start having sex before you’re aroused, it’s just not going to feel that great! You also won’t be as lubricated. Try spending at least 15-20 minutes on foreplay before transitioning to intercourse.
- Pay attention to your clitoris. A lot of women seem to think that they’re supposed to feel pleasure simply from penetration. Penetration can feel nice, but the clitoris holds the overwhelming majority of your nerve endings. Have your boyfriend touch or lick your clitoris during foreplay. Either one of you can gently stroke your clitoris while you’re having intercourse.
- Experiment and give feedback. Try different things with your boyfriend, and talk about what you do and don’t like. It can be a fun and bonding experience to explore sex with your boyfriend.
Pay Attention To Pain
Next, let’s talk about the pain issue. Sexual pain can be caused by a number of different factors. The most frequent culprit of painful sex is a lack of lubrication. Sex is pretty rigorous on your lady parts, and you can get chafing, tearing, and bruising if you aren’t well-lubricated. I highly recommend using lube during sex, even if you don’t think you need it. It can truly be a game-changer. Splurge on a high-quality silicone-based lube like Eros. It lasts forever and has a wonderfully smooth, slippery texture.
Eros by Pjur Original Lubricant, $15, Amazon
If you’re still in pain even after trying lube, I’d suggest a trip to your doctor. Sexually transmitted infections, fibroids, endometriosis, and cysts can all cause pain, or you may have a sexual pain condition like vaginismus or dyspareunia. Getting a thorough check-up can help identify the cause of your pain, or give you the peace of mind that nothing’s wrong physically.
Know When To Stop
If you feel pain during sex, it’s really important to honor the signals your body is sending and stop. Don’t try to push through the pain. Ask your boyfriend for a little break, and try breathing slowly and deeply. You can keep kissing and touching each other. If you feel up to giving it another go, ask your boyfriend to go slow and try out a different position. You can also try climbing on top, so you can have control over the depth, angle and pace of penetration.
Remember: Your Feelings Are Valid
I understand that you’re worried about disappointing your boyfriend if you turn down his sexual initiations. But by allowing him to have sex with you when you don’t actually feel like it, you’re sending yourself the message that what you want isn’t as important as what he wants. Sometimes we make compromises in relationships, but what you’re describing is beyond that. You’re forcing yourself to do something you don’t want to do over and over again, and you’re even allowing yourself to be in physical pain because of it.
Sit down with your boyfriend and say, “I’m learning so much about my sexuality in this relationship, and I’m glad that I get to explore this side of myself with you. One thing I’m trying to pay more attention to is my own natural level of desire. I’ve been really focused on trying to please you, because I care about you a lot and don’t want to let you down. I’d like to learn that it’s OK for me to turn down sex if I’m not totally in the mood. Could we talk about how I could do that without making you feel hurt in the moment?”
Finally, if you’re really honest with yourself and get the sense that you just don’t enjoy sex, and that feeling wouldn’t change even if you were to start having the kind of sex that works for you, you may want to do some reading on asexuality. I highly suggest checking out the Asexual Visibility and Education Network, particularly their FAQ page.
Your level of interest in sex may change over your lifetime, and you don’t have to define yourself as asexual if you don’t want to, but knowing that there are plenty of other people out there who aren’t that interested in sex may be comforting to you.
Either way, the bottom line is this: It’s always OK to say no to sex when you don’t feel like it.
Images: MaloMalverde/Flickr; Giphy
Want more of Bustle’s Sex and Relationships coverage? Check out our new podcast, I Want It That Way, which delves into the difficult and downright dirty parts of a relationship, and find more on our Soundcloud page.
Want more sex? Of course you do. So for all the most recent sex and relationships news, advice, memes, and GIFs from around the Web. Guaranteed to fulfill you more than your ex.
1. Add a pillow in there. No, don’t have sex with the pillow, that’s weird. But a pillow can modify most positions by slightly altering the angle of penetration, and that can make a huge difference.
2. Have sex on a deadline. Give yourself 20 minutes, or if you’re daring, an hour where you can’t have sex. Force yourselves to have foreplay until the timer goes off.
3. Wear your socks. Research shows that keeping your socks on during sex can help regulate your body temperature, which in turn makes you more comfortable and it makes it easier to orgasm. Keep a pair of socks around just for sex. Sex socks. Sox.
4. Use a tie. Modify a position by tying your hands behind your back, above your head, or to the bed. Or use it as a blindfold. Limiting mobility or covering your eyes and giving control to your partner can make an old position feel totally new. It’s like the espresso shot of sex modifiers.
5. Toss in your vibrator. You’re making a sex salad, and the vibrator is the cucumbers. Using your vibrator externally while he’s inside you can make even missionary awesome. You can even use it on your partner. Don’t start popping it into holes without asking, but even holding it against his balls can produce some surprising results (spoiler alert: it will make him come).
6. Kiss while you come. This is how people make love and junk. Kissing during an orgasm adds an emotional intensity, like you can almost feel your partner’s orgasm vibrating through you, like when you went on a field trip to the science center and all held hands while someone touched that electricity orb. Someone sappier than me would probably describe it as two bodies becoming one though.
7. Tell him to edge. Edging sounds like something only cool kids do (“Bro, do you even edge?”) but it’s really just a way to describe the act of stopping sex right before the point of orgasm to cool off a bit before starting up again. Forcing each other to hold off from orgasm can make the eventual release much more intense (and also make him last longer).
8. Do it outside the bedroom. The shower, the couch, the kitchen table, the floor. A change of scenery makes for a surprising rush (like when you get to work from home for a day — it’s like, “Where am I?!”). Plus, having sex over the side of an armrest might feel a lot better than doing it over the side of your much shorter bed. You’ve now found a new favorite sex accessory (sexessory? Sorry).
9. Throw in some (approved) anal play. Motherfuckers act like they forgot about the butt. A little anal stimulation can go a long way. That’s what my grandfather always said, anyway. Stimulating the uh, entrance can even be enough to intensify sex (and this goes for both genders). You don’t need to be shoving your fists up there, just move your finger around like you’re trying to recreate that ringing noise that happens when you run your finger around a wineglass. Just make sure you ask first. People are sensitive about their butts.
Follow Frank on Twitter.
Cosmo Frank I am a human male that enjoys consuming meals consisting of all five food groups and fulfilling every level of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs.