- 5 Things to Say to Help Your Neurotic Friend
- 1. Start with Gentle Reassurance
- 2. Suggest They Take a Time-Out
- 3. Be Positive and Supportive
- 4. Share Your Stories
- 5. Suggest They Seek Help
- How to live with a neurotic
- 5 Signs You’re Neurotic According To The Big Five Personality Traits — And Why That’s Not Necessarily A Bad Thing
- Neurotic Definition, Uncovered
- What is the Definition of Neurotic?
- Neuroticism Today
- Neurotic Person Definition
- 5 Adaptation Domains of Neurotic Pattern Observation
- What it Means to Be “Neurotic”
- What Does It Mean To Be “Neurotic”
- 8 Common Personality Traits of Neurotics
- Is Neuroticism Always A Bad Thing?
- Don’t Be Ashamed of Your Neuroses
- How does one deal with neurotic people?
- Neurotics don’t just avoid action: They dislike it, study finds
- The Negatives of Neuroticism
- How to Change Neurotic Thinking
5 Things to Say to Help Your Neurotic Friend
Know someone who gets easily frazzled in stressful situations, or freezes up when faced with an important decision? These may be signs of neuroticism.
While the term ‘neurotic’ is often tossed around in pop culture as an insult, it’s actually a personality trait that some researchers believe deserves more attention. In fact, it may be a sign of other mental and physical disorders, according to Benjamin Lahey, PhD, from the University of Chicago in an article published in the journal American Psychologist.
Neurotic people experience feelings of sadness, anxiety, worry, self-consciousness, and irritability when faced with both major and minor life stressors. These negative emotions can lead a person to avoid making decisions or taking action to move forward with life, according to a press release for a new study published in the Journal of Personality.
Learn About Ways To Fight Stress “
In this study of nearly 4,000 college students in 19 countries, researchers found that the reason neurotic people have such trouble tackling stress is because they have less positive attitudes toward taking action than non-neurotic people do. So, if you want to help your neurotic friend or loved one, having a persuasive conversation with them may change the way they view their life problems and gently prod them into action.
Don’t know what to say? Follow these five simple tips from Dr. Julia Samton, who is board certified in psychiatry and neurology and the director of Manhattan Neuropsychiatric in New York City.
1. Start with Gentle Reassurance
One way to help your friend or loved one is to reassure them that, in most cases, the situation they’re facing is not life or death, Samton said.
“It helps to be as non-judgmental as possible and to try to do what you can to reassure without criticizing,” she said.
2. Suggest They Take a Time-Out
Suggesting that your friend take time to go for a walk outside or do something else to clear his or her head, such as practicing deep breathing, can help him or her sort through conflicting emotions as well as look at the situation more realistically, Samton said.
“Sometimes, distancing themselves from their emotions can help them see reality with a calmer perspective,” she said.
Breathing techniques for relaxation and mindfulness include diaphragmatic breathing, meditation, and progressive muscle relaxation.
Learn How Meditation Can Help Alleviate Depression “
3. Be Positive and Supportive
If your friend is going through a tough time, let him or her know that you want to be present and stay with them until they relax and calm down. And when giving advice, frame it positively and make sure you are giving feedback that is constructive, Samton said.
“Even though they might be experiencing these negative emotions and conclusions, help ground them,” she said.
Learn How Quitting Smoking Can Improve Your Mental Health “
When appropriate, share a personal story that relates to your friend or loved one’s situation, such as a time when you were in a similar position and how it worked out positively, Samton said.
5. Suggest They Seek Help
If you feel like your friend is not responding to your help, suggest that that they speak to a professional, Samton said. In some cases, this may be a difficult conversation to have, so make sure you approach the subject in a kind and respectful way.
Samton suggests saying something like, “It seems like you’re having a really tough time and maybe speaking to someone about how you’re feeling might be a way that you can feel better,” or, “Everyone struggles, and lots of people have found it helpful to speak to a professional and work toward a better life.”
Find Out How a New Nasal Spray May Help Combat Social Anxiety “
How to live with a neurotic
How to live with a neurotic
If you are married there’s at least one chance in five that your husband or wife is emotionally disturbed. Here a recognized authority offers advice on
Dr. Albert Ellis
One of the most frequent questions asked by my patients and acquaintances is, “About what percentage of people would you say are neurotic?” I generally reply, “Roughly, about a hundred.”
I’m not entirely serious about this. From an ideal standpoint, anyone is neurotic who is potentially intelligent and capable but who actually falls below the level of his capabilities and behaves in a needlessly over-emotionalized way. In this sense, virtually all of us are more or less disturbed.
From a more practical standpoint, however, psychologists usually label as “neurotic” only those individuals who sooner or later get into rather serious difficulties of their own making. In this sense, I would say (and this, frankly, is a rough guess) that between twenty and thirty percent of our citizens are neurotic.
This means, if I am correct, that millions of people on this continent are more or less troubled and many are so disturbed that even the untrained layman can sense this from their everyday behavior. The question is: What, if anything, can be done? Assuming that you are not too neurotic yourself, and that one of your close relatives or associates is, what can you do to live comfortably with this troubled individual and to try to help him over his difficulties?
To illustrate what often happens when a relatively well-adjusted person is closely associated with a seriously disturbed individual, consider the cases of two troubled people who happened to consult me on the same afternoon.
The first was a woman of thirty who had been married for six years continued on page 74
Continued from page 30
“The most important requirement … is a concept the emotionally disturbed person can be helped”
and whose husband, while not doing anything outlandish or negative, had given her no money during this time. He paid the rent and food bill, sat at home with her reading the paper when he was not at a meeting of one of the many organizations to which he belonged, and had intercourse with her about once a month. Otherwise, he did nothing to earn the name of husband. Vet, when I spoke to this husband he could see nothing unusual about his marriage, could not understand why his wife was so unhappy, and sincerely believed that theirs was a comfortable, fine relationship.
The other client was a fifty-year-old man who had been married for twentynine years and whose wife, during all this time, had confined herself to their home. She maintained friendly relations only with her mother; had sex relations with her husband about four times a year; and insisted that she was an excellent wife because she never missed cooking a meal or taking her husband’s dirty clothes to the laundry. She, like the husband of my first client, was obviously a seriously disturbed woman who was so fearful of doing anything outside a very simple, rigid routine that she had no idea about what a good marriage should be.
In both cases the problem was what the more normal spouse should do. I explained to both of them, as soon as I realized how disturbed their mates were, that they had essentially three choices: 1, seek a divorce or separation; 2, see that their spouses received psychological treatment; 3, continue to live with their untreated mates and learn to adjust to these mates’ disturbances.
Usually, in cases like this, the first of these three alternatives is undesirable or impractical, since separation or divorce, especially when children are involved, usually means hardship and heartache. The second alternative is desirable but often impossible to achieve, because the disturbed mate will in many or most instances absolutely refuse to go for treatment. Consequently, the third alternative, that of living with a neurotic and avoiding being driven to the brink of despair oneself, is the one solution that is both desirable and practical.
When the person who comes for professional help wants to try this third solution, I have developed a technique of teaching him or her exactly what has to be done in order to live successfully with a neurotic.
In the case of the thirty-year-old woman, for example, I was able to show her that her husband was an exceptionally frightened, insecure person who had been seriously hurt in his relationships with his mother and two previous girl friends and who, consequently, was loathe to become emotionally involved with anyone else for fear of being rejected and hurt again. When his wife understood this, and persisted in giving him all possible warmth and security in spite of his coolness, he gradually warmed up, committed himself to the risks of emotional involvement, and became a more devoted husband.
The case of the fifty-year-old man was not so easy to resolve. His wife proved
to be a borderline psychotic who barely maintained her hold on reality by existing on an exceptionally restricted plane. She didn’t want to be helped psychotherapeutically; and even consistent kindness and devotion by her husband were not sufficient to unthaw her. He had to be adjusted, finally, to accepting her as she was and understanding that she was terribly sick. His choice was only twofold: separating from his wife or accepting her with her severe mental illness. He did not wish, partly for religious reasons, to take the first choice. To save his own sanity, he took the second alternative and became realistically inured to the fact that he was living with a very disturbed person.
These two cases are typical, not of the problems that beset individuals living with neurotics or psychotics, but of the choices confronting these individuals. For assuming that you must, whatever the reasons may be, live with a disturbed spouse, relative, friend, or business associate, you have innumerable bad and two or three good choices of conduct. Either you can act in such a manner that your disturbed spouse or associate becomes less disturbed and easier to live with; or, if you are not able to help this troubled person, you can become philosophically inured to living with him or her in spite of the continuing disturbance; or, in some instances, you may use a combination of these two sensible approaches.
The most important requirement for living successfully with and helping emotionally disturbed individuals is a concept that they can be helped. And they can. Emotionally disturbed people are hopeless just as long as they think they are hopeless, and as long as they make no effort to change.
Applied to the neurotic with whom you may have steady contact, this means that if you believe that he (or she) is not hopelessly disturbed, you will probably be halfway along the path of helping and living successfully with him. It is this concept which, as a practicing psychotherapist, I have spent the last
Who ÍS it? on page 69
Dr. Sidney Smith, who re|| signed the presidency of the University of Toronto in September to become Minister of External Affairs.
several years giving to scores of my clients who are intimately associated with troubled people.
Consider one man who consulted me because, while he was finishing up his work in graduate school, his exceptionally neurotic wife seemed to be jealous of his school activities. As soon as he settled down with his books, she would start talking to him about irrelevant unimportant things. When he complained she said that he acted as if the work were more important than she, that he never spent any time with her, and that he just didn’t love her any more. This generally led to a big argument between them; and by the time they calmed down it would be near midnight and his school work would be undone.
At my urging, this husband tried an entirely different approach. First of all, before he tackled any school work he spent a period of time being exceptionally nice to his wife, telling her that he loved her, and occasionally making sex advances to her. Second, he discussed his school activities with his wife; made an effort to get her interested in them, and to be as concerned as himself about them. He would tell her, especially, about his difficulties with this professor or that instructor, and ask her how she thought he should handle these situations. She soon began to respond very well to this approach.
We’re taught to be neurotic
Finally, he induced his wife to help him with his lessons. In this way. she became vitally interested in the work and began to feel that she was practically going through school with him. After a few weeks she was entirely co-operative and they were getting along much better. In addition, her own neuroticism became somewhat reduced. She no longer felt as inadequate as she previously had: began to conceive of herself as making a real contribution to her husband’s education and started to see herself as being in the same educational class.
This kind of plan can be worked with many neurotic individuals. To try to argue or bully them out of their disturbed behavior is useless and will frequently only make things worse. But if you attempt to discover why they act the way they do, and what can be done about getting them to act better, you have an excellent chance of helping them —and, of course, helping yourself at the same time.
No one, as far as we know, is born neurotic, although there may be some inherited factors that make it easier for one person to grow up to be disturbed while another person, living under even more harrowing circumstances, resists becoming equally troubled. In the main, however, we learn to become neurotic as a result of our upbringing. Neurosis, like syphilis and the measles, is a social ailment: we arc raised by other human beings and they literally teach us to become neurotic.
Parents tend to control children’s behavior today, not by beating or punishing them, but by explaining to them that certain of their acts are “wrong” or “bad” and that no one, especially their parents, will love them or approve of them if they continue to engage in these acts. In raising children in this manner. we wittingly or unwittingly teach them—or propagandize them—to accept several important propositions: (a) that they should be “good”; (b) that it is terrible if they are not “good”; (c) that they should try to win the love and approval of virtually everyone; and (d) that it is
horrible if they do not win the love and approval of even a single human being.
Once youngsters are well indoctrinated with these premises, and are then permitted to grow up without modifying them, they are virtually doomed to neurosis or psychosis. For they will then almost certainly spend the rest of their days trying to do the impossible: always be “good” and always win the love and approval of everyone. And since they inevitably will not succeed at these impossible tasks, they will assuredly acquire deep-seated feelings of inadequacy
and self-hatred, on the one hand, and of frustration and hostility on the other.
Many—perhaps most—people of our time refuse to face the neurotic issue squarely. They erroneously believe they can overcome the severe feelings of inadequacy with which they were raised by winning the approval of others. This is foolhardy. In the first place, feelings of inadequacy are directly related to the dire need for others’ approval; so that the more you think you need to be loved or liked by others, the greater feelings of worthlessness you will tend to have.
At bottom, you lack confidence in yourself precisely because you think it is most important that others approve of you, and you are afraid that they will not.
Second, attempting to bolster your self-esteem by winning the love of others is, at best, a hazardous means toward a questionable end. If nine people accept you fully, and you begin to feel confident because of their acceptance, you can never be sure how the tenth person will react. If you win the love of a father, wife, child or friend, you can
never be sure how long you will retain it. Self-esteem, therefore, that depends largely on what others think of you, rather than upon your acceptance of yourself, is an esteem built on shifting sands.
It is possible for a neurotic to get over his disturbances, and for you to help him to do so, for the simple reason that it invariably stems from these irrational unrealistic ideas — which are learned rather than inherited, and which (albeit with some difficulty) can be unlearned or changed. Neurotic symptoms, moreover, such as exaggerated and sustained feelings of anxiety, anger, tension, guilt and depression, are nothing but reactions to or effects of illogical thinking, and you can help a neurotic to overcome these symptoms by encouraging him to eliminate his errors and change his thinking.
The very first step toward helping an individual become less neurotic is for you clearly to recognize and fully accept the fact that he is neurotic. Most people who have close associations with disturbed individuals simply refuse to accept the fact that they are disturbed and continue to treat them as if they were welladjusted. Disaster inevitably ensues. For neurotics are nut well-adjusted. And if you treat them as if they are, as if they are able to live up to all kinds of behavior which a non-neurotic would be expected to live up to, they will quickly disappoint you, you will show your disappointment. and they will feel that they have failed—and hence tend to become more neurotic.
Once you have faced the fact that your parent, child, sibling, mate, friend or business associate is seriously neurotic, you must next understand what neurotics are. how they get the way they are, and how they can be helped to change. This requires study. You should be prepared to do a considerable amount of specialized reading and attend any lectures on the subject that are available.
The next step is to give them warmth
and support. Alas, they often do not seem to deserve it. Instead, they frequently go out of their way to bring on rejection and disapproval. What is more, when they are accepted they often view with suspicion almost any kindness shown them and test out their friends by ungrateful negative responses. Consequently, they need consistent unvarying love, and they need it for a considerable length of time before they begin to accept the fact that it is really being given.
This does not mean that one should shamelessly flatter disturbed people in an effort to build up their ego strength. On the contrary, they will quickly see behind this flattery in many instances and it will boomerang. Bring their good points to their attention; show them how they are truly effective at this or that, however inept they may be at something else.
Above all, encourage disturbed people to do the things they are afraid of and that they wrongly believe they cannot do successfully. Take an optimistic attitude toward their efforts, whatever the chances of failure may be. If they happen to fail at the first tries, show them that these are only preliminaries; that the next attempts may well succeed. Try to induce them to do things at which you are fairly certain they can succeed, then show them their successes prove that they can do still other things they fear to do.
Convince your neurotic relative or friend that all of us fail frequently and that to fail is only human. Show him that the only way human beings learn is by trial and error; that failure, therefore, is necessary, is a good thing—as long as we learn by it and thereby help ourselves to succeed in the future.
If necessary, help your neurotic associate to lower his level of aspiration, so that he doesn’t attempt things beyond his capabilities. Encourage him to be daring—but realistic. Discourage his perfectionism or highly unrealistic expectations. Somehow induce him to see that though his success may be vitally important to him. it is in some ways
How to recognize a neurotic
All neurotics are eccentric, but not all eccentrics are neurotic. Here is a partial list of the most important symptoms that distinguish a neurotic from a so-called normal person:
Indecision, doubt and conflict: neurotics are afraid to make a decision or take responsibility for their acts.
Fear and anxiety: neurotics fear disapproval, and turn their fears into phobias like dread of walking in the streets—or being cooped up.
Guilt and self-blame: neurotics feel guilty about their desires, particularly sex drives, and berate themselves for acting on them.
Hostility and resentment: frustrated by their own behavior, neurotics retaliate with aggressive actions toward other people.
Ingratiation: to win favor, neurotics curry favor with others at the expense of their own self-respect. This symptom and the hostility symptom are sometimes directed at the same person.
Inefficiency and stupidity: even the most intelligent neurotics often work unsystematically with involved methods that bog them down.
Defensiveness: because they lie to themselves, neurotics have to set up a system of defences against facing unpleasant realities.
“Crackpotism” and bizarreness: depressed by reality, neurotics often create a world of their own and acquire crackpot ideas on how to live.
not that important to you. You know he can achieve it and will do everything possible to help him. But in case he doesn’t succeed, you do not care; you love him and respect him just as much.
Suppose, for example, you are married to a neurotic who is afraid to meet people and who therefore wants to sit home every night, never having visitors in. The thing not to say is: “Now look here, Joe (or Mary). You know there’s nothing to be afraid of in meeting other people, and that you’re just a stupid neurotic in refusing to make friends. If you really loved me, you’d get over your silly notions and take me out regularly, or at least be delighted when 1 ask peo: pie in.’’
This kind of talk will invariably convince your mate that he is even more inadequate than he previously thought himself to be, that you just don’t understand him, and you are thinking only of yourself. It will, in other words, tend tu make him more disturbed.
Instead, you should realize that his not wanting to see people results from neurotic anxiety, from lack of self-confidence, and you should do everything possible to give him greater confidence in himself, to make him feel that he can get along with people. You should, perhaps gradually, try to introduce him to a few exceptionally nice people, preferably those whom you have warned about his problems and who will act warmly to him. Then you should show him that. jv\st as he can get along with these people, so can he get along with others.
Don’t be bullied
Suppose, however, your mate is still stubbornly neurotic about meeting people and insists that you stay in with him. Then you should say something like this: “I really understand. Joe. that you have great difficulty in meeting people right now, and I’m sure you’ll get over it one of these days. But in the meantime, I’m just going crazy, being steadily cooped up like this. Maybe because of my own peculiarities, I have a real need for people now and then. I don’t mind your not wanting them, but 1 can’t permit myself to be ruled by your feelings exclusively. Now suppose 1 stay home with you most of the time, but every once in a while go out by myself. Then, when you get over your tears ol people, which 1 am sure that you soon will, we can have a fine time going out together.”
Working along these lines, one can easily stand up for one’s own rights in marriage or other relationships and yet comprehend the neuroses of others and not step too heavily on their toes. To let them, however, take complete advantage of you merely because they are neurotic is often to give them an incentive to prolong or intensify their disturbance; it gives them an excuse to remain a baby and get things their own way. Moreover, they tend to lose respect for you, and then lose more respect for themselves for being associated with such a weak, namby-pamby person as you.
Neurotics, moreover, don’t always want to get their own way. They frequently know they are not doing the correct thing and feel even worse when someone lets them get away with it. One of my clients, for example, enjoyed having a husband who let her walk all over him. no matter how unreasonable her demands were. But when he finally let her spend all their vacation money for a trip by herself, while he stayed home in the sweltering city, she loathed him for being so weak and, what’s more, hated
herself for taking advantage of him.
Above all, don’t permit neurotics to blackmail you emotionally. Frequently, as in the case of mothers who suddenly acquire heart conditions or severe indigestion just when their favorite sons are about to marry, they use sickness for this purpose. If you let them plead illness or acute unhappiness to get you to do things their way, they often become chronic sufferers and exploit you mercilessly. Don’t submit to this kind of blackmail or let neurotics, who can be the world’s worst tyrannic martyrs, use
their emotional and physical disturbances to badger you. Be kind; but stand firm.
One central rule in dealing with neurotics is: do not criticizeNeurotics get the way they are largely by being overly criticized by their parents or early associates. Because they thus become over-sensitized, they can take virtually no further criticism. If you give such criticism, you will only be increasing rather than decreasing their feelings of worthlessness.
But restraint in criticizing a neurotic is
not enough by itself. You must add an active element: love. If you really convince a neurotic—or, for that matter, so-called normal—individual that you love him. see things from his frame of reference, if you are truly on his side, he will often do virtually anything for you—including, at times, surrender some of his neurotic behavior.
Let us be specific. Consider the problem of your spouse with whom, let us say, you want to have steady sex relations but who. because of his (or her) neurotic fear of “too frequent” sex ac-
tivity desires them only once or twice a month. If you use ridicule with this spouse, he balks all the more. If you plead with him, he says he would like to have sex relations more often, but just can’t feel comfortable when he does so. Impasse. The more you ridicule or plead, the more uncomfortable he feels, the more hostile against you he gets, the more his neurosis intensifies.
Try a different line. Be most understanding of his predicament and show him that you realize that he is fearful and is not merely trying to annoy you by his sex behavior. Try, if possible, to discover the basic cause for his fear of sex and to show him that even though he once may have had good reasons for it, these no longer apply. Stop making fun of his sex fears or superstitions; try rather to get behind them and undermine them with different, more logical attitudes.
Above all. love him. If you will consistently, wholeheartedly love a neurotic person even when he is inconveniencing you, he will begin to feel that at least one human being, has true respect for and confidence in him, and will begin to lose the feelings of inadequacy and hostility which underlie his neurosis. Second, he will come to feel that he has a partner, a true helper, and that therefore he has a better chance to overcome his fears and disturbances. Third, he will normally tend to love you in return; and, out of his love for you, will often begin quite spontaneously to do things for you that he would not think of doing for anyone else in the world — including. quite possibly, trying to overcome his neurotic fears that inconvenience you.
The next important point to note in trying to help a neurotic is that of doing something to relieve his guilt. At
bottom, virtually every neurotic is abnormally guilty—fearful that he is doing the wrong things and that others will therefore not like him. To relieve his guilt, you may employ two main procedures: be lenient, noncritical and permissive when he does guilt-provoking acts; and encourage him to conform to his own standards and generally do the things that will prevent him from becoming guilty.
Thus, if your son has unnecessarily harmed your neighbor’s child, you can legitimately show him that he has acted improperly, and that the remedy for his guilt is not for him to punish himself (or for you to punish him) but for him to resolve to be more than pleasant to this neighbor’s child in the future. Or if your neurotic wife is inordinately guilty because she has not been taking care of the house properly, you can show her that such guilt is easily quieted by being a model housekeeper in the present and future.
lie’s afraid of being wrong
Perhaps the biggest hurdle any neurotic has to overcome is that created by his irrational fears: his fears of being disapproved and rejected for doing the “wrong” things; and his fears of bodily harm or of death. Sometimes, you can reason with a neurotic, showing him how silly his fears are, and bring him to a rational viewpoint. In so doing, however, it is ineffective merely to tackle the fears themselves; rather, you must ferret out and attack the irrational ideologies that lie behind him.
To help a neurotic face the things he dreads, you may employ one of a number of effective techniques. You can serve as an excellent model yourself by
doing the thing he fears and proving to him that it is really not so fearful. Or you can go along with the neurotic and keep him company in doing something fearsome—for example, induce him to take a plane ride with you, to show him that it is not as bad as he thinks it is. Or, occasionally, you can trick a neurotic into doing some presumable awesome thing—such as getting him to take his first plane ride—by pretending that there is a railway tieup and that planes are the only practical means of transportation for the moment.
More frequently, you can often entice an individual into doing a feared thing by offering him some special incentive —for example, paying for his vacation trip if he will take a plane instead of a train or bus.
By fair means or foul, then, if you can somehow induce your neurotic associates to do and to keep doing almost anything of which they may be afraid, they will usually tend to lose their fears, and eventually even enjoy the previously abhorred thing.
One of the most efficacious ways of helping troubled people is to get them to be actively interested in people and things outside themselves. For neurotics, because of their extreme concern over being approved by others, usually are exceptionally self-centred and not really interested in others in their own right. People quickly note this and in turn are not interested in the neurotics. This leads the latter to hate themselves more, especially when they finally come to realize that they do not really care for anyone and become additionally guilty about their inability to love.
Can, then, virtually anyone help almost anyone else to overcome emotional quirks and upsets? No. not exactly. For
the would-be helper, aside from having good intentions and real patience, must himself be not too disturbed to begin with; and the same may be said of the would-be helped one. Individuals who are deeply disturbed should normally be seen by psychologists and psychiatrists, and those who would help them should obtain psychological consultation. Otherwise, serious harm may result.
This means, specifically, that you should not try to cure your friends or relatives who are exceptionally depressed, who think very little of themselves, who arc unusually agitated, or who arc behaving in a clearly bizarre manner. Such individuals may be overtly or underlyingly psychotic and be in immediate need of professional care (or even institutional care). By all means leave these deeply disturbed associates to those who are psychiatrically trained.
As long as you live in our society, you will inevitably meet seriously troubled people. As you do, remember this: that neurotics are neurotic; that they are not to blame for being troubled; that they became neurotic because they adopted irrational beliefs that lead to deep-seated feelings of inadequacy and hostility; and that they will become more disturbed if you look down upon them and make no allowances for their difficulties.
If you love a neurotic in a mature quiet manner, if you love him nondependently and with some degree of guardedness, you will be in a better position to help the one you love, and to maintain a healthier relationship for him and for you. ★
This is cm excerpt froni Dr. Ellis’ book. How to Live with a Neurotic at Work or at Home, to be published later by Ambassador Books.
5 Signs You’re Neurotic According To The Big Five Personality Traits — And Why That’s Not Necessarily A Bad Thing
Have you ever wondered what the signs you’re neurotic look like in real life? Even if you slept your way through psychology class in high school, you’re probably aware of the five factor model (FFM) of personality — or rather, you probably know the traits themselves, which are often referred to as the “Big Five.” The FFM works on the assumption that all personalities possess the same basic dimensions: extroversion, agreeableness, conscientiousness, openness to experience, and neuroticism. According to the theory, everyone’s personality is unique because they combine these psychological “building blocks,” so to speak, in different ways. So whenever you hear someone described as “neurotic”? Although it may just be a figure of speech, it may not be; in fact, that person might be displaying the kinds of behaviors consistent with people who score highly on the Big Five trait of neuroticism.
The traits themselves are fairly self-explanatory. To simplify things greatly, extroversion refers to someone’s sociability; agreeableness to their compassion; conscientiousness to impulse control and work ethic; openness to an appreciation for adventure and creativity; and finally, neuroticism to moodiness. The theory isn’t perfect, of course, but it does a fairly good job of quantifying something that isn’t easily quantified. Much of this comes from the dimensional approach; instead of classifying people into categories, the Big Five theory describes personalities based on where someone falls on a spectrum. For instance, you might score high in extroversion but low in agreeableness, which means you’re outgoing but not especially trusting or cooperative.
That being said, there’s a world of difference between seeing personalities described on paper and how they manifest in real life, which brings up today’s question: How are you supposed to know where you fall on each dimension? Believe it or not, being aware of your personality isn’t just navel-gazing; research consistently shows that different personality traits can predict everyday behaviors, as well as the likelihood of certain psychological disorders. Perhaps more importantly, they can even predict your Hogwarts House, and if that’s not necessary information, I don’t know what is.
And so, without further ado, let’s look at a personality trait near and dear to my heart: neuroticism, or the tendency to respond poorly to stressful events. Here are five signs you can count yourself among the ranks of the anxiety-ridden and moody. (Yay?)
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1. You’re A Little Volatile
Neuroticism doesn’t have the best reputation, and as a result, when discussing the Big Five, psychologists sometimes refer to its reverse instead: Emotional stability. The phrasing is pretty telling, isn’t it? Research has shown that people who are highly neurotic tend to respond to stress with irritability, anxiety, or other negative emotional responses. “The bases of neuroticism are levels of anxiety and volatility,” wrote psychologist Nathan C. Popkins in a 1998 paper. In short, highly neurotic people are heavy on the mood swings.
2. You’re Easily Stressed
According to Psychology Today, neuroticism is characterized by “high emotional reactivity.” In other words, people who are more neurotic are more likely to respond emotionally to little things, while someone who’s more emotionally stable is likely to remain calm.
3. You Worry Often
Considering that neurotic people are easily stressed and likely to freak out over small problems, it’s probably no surprise to hear that they also tend to be worriers. This doesn’t necessarily mean you have anxiety, but…
4. You Have Anxiety Or Depression
A number of studies have shown that people who are more neurotic are more likely to have certain psychological disorders — namely, substance abuse, clinical anxiety, and depression. While being neurotic doesn’t mean you’re doomed to develop a disorder, there is a well-established connection.
5. You’re Super Sensitive
In a study linking neuroticism with mood disorders, researcher Richard Zinbarg theorized that “neuroticism makes people more susceptible to the negative emotions — anxiety, depression, irritability, anger.” Basically, neurotic people are more sensitive than their emotionally-stable friends.
Before you start freaking out about being neurotic, though (which is a pretty neurotic thing to do), know, too, that it’s not necessarily a bad thing; there are benefits, too. Indeed, research has shown that it’s possible to use your anxiety to get stuff done. As is the case with so many other things, neuroticism isn’t best described as inherently “good” or “bad.” It’s just a part of your personality — part of what makes you who you are. And you’re pretty awesome, so embrace your unique, badass self.
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Neurotic Definition, Uncovered
You may often hear the term, “neurotic,” thrown around in casual conversations, perhaps labeling a friend or foe. But what does the declaration really mean? What was once considered a broad category of conditions associated with poor functioning, anxiety, and depression, is now a generalization of high strung, tense, or moody individuals. So wherein lies the truth?
What is the Definition of Neurotic?
The textbook definition of “neurotic” states, “suffering from, caused by, or relating to neurosis.” According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, neurosis is “a mental and emotional disorder that affects only part of the personality, is accompanied by a less distorted perception of reality than psychosis, does not result in disturbance of the use of language, and is accompanied by various physical, physiological, and mental disturbances.”
Aside from the dictionary descriptions outlined above, there is no single “neurotic definition.” Some psychologists and psychiatrists use the term to describe a spectrum of mental illnesses outside of psychotic disorders. Other doctors use the term to refer to anxious symptoms and behaviors. Dr. William Cullen coined the term in the 18th century as a concept that encompasses nervous disorders and symptoms that do not have a clear cause. Following Cullen, Sigmund Freud used the term, “anxiety neurosis” to describe mental illness or distress with extreme anxiety as a defining feature.
In general, “neurosis” is no longer used as a diagnostic category by American psychologists and psychiatrists, and was removed from the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistic Manual of Mental Disorders’ third edition in 1980 (last appearing as a diagnostic category in DSM-II).
Some physicians hope the term “makes a comeback” and carries less negative connotation. The term “neurotic” can present in various ways and we will outline how the term is still used and how it can be helpful in framing human difficulties and suffering.
The most important thing to distinguish when using the term “neurotic” is to know whether it’s referring to personality traits or character adaptations.
Personality traits are longstanding patterns of thoughts, feelings, and actions which tend to stabilize in adulthood and remain relatively fixed.
There are five broad trait domains, one of which is labeled “neuroticism,” and it generally corresponds to the sensitivity of the negative affect system, where a person high in neuroticism is someone who worries, easily upsets, is often down or irritable, and demonstrates high emotional reactivity to stress.
In contrast, traits are broad descriptions of tendencies, and character adaptations are the situation- specific ways people adjust to the environment. Here the term neurotic refers to maladaptive coping strategies driven by fear or anxiety (which can be conscious or subconscious) elicited by a certain kind of situation. Maladaptive, meaning the response ultimately moves the individual away from their long-term goals and needs.
Neurotic Person Definition
A good example of this would be a person who gets upset if their date is even 10 minutes late, and riddled with anxious-dependency, they reach out for assurance in a panicked manner, demanding when the date will be arriving, asking if they are cancelling. The date may respond that they will be right there, easing the short-term anxiety, but the behavior of the anxious party provokes an opposite long-term effect – and the date has likely labeled the person as needy and dependent. The date would probably avoid that person in the future, which was the fear of the frantic person from the beginning.
The importance of understanding the definition of neurotic in terms of character adaptations is that we are all neurotic some of the time, even if our neuroticism trait is low (the other four being extraversion, agreeability, conscientiousness, and openness). It is crucial to understand that we all experience neurotic insecurities that we are equipped with strategies to cope with them.
5 Adaptation Domains of Neurotic Pattern Observation
Neurotic patterns can be observed in five different domains of adaptation: Habits, Emotions, Relations, Defenses, and Beliefs (verbal cognitions).
Neurotic habits are automatic or routine patterns of behavior that people engage in to alleviate anxiety and provide a sense of security. The problem is that, carried out over the long term, the habitual patterns are maladaptive. A classic example is one of the anxious drinker. Stressed all day, riddled with achievement and interpersonal anxieties, alcohol becomes a short-term, medicating “fix.” Unfortunately, it comes with significant costs and health issues over time. Binging and purging, obsessive compulsive behaviors, nail biting and/or trichotillomania are all common examples of neurotic, maladaptive habits.
Neurotic emotional patterns come in two forms, over-regulated (suppressed and not expressed) and under-regulated (hyper-sensitized and over-expressed). Feeling states are rarely bad, however, they can become hyperactive and triggered at the slightest stimuli, overpowering the mind. Individuals with depressive or anxious disorders are generally under-regulated in those feeling states and need help managing them. The problem is that the individual is usually walled off from some or all their emotions. Some common examples are the “nice guy” who is “never angry,” the competitor who bullies others instead of feeling shame, and/or the distanced and unemotional person who can’t feel anything. These individuals usually have a form of “affect phobia,” which is maladaptive because it blocks them from key aspects of the human experience.
The human relationship system is fundamentally guided by desires for relational value, driven by the dimensions of power, love, and freedom. Neurotic relationship patterns emerge when people adopt rigid styles or express extreme interpersonal reactions in response to fears that their relational value needs won’t be met. Individuals who withdraw because of social anxiety, who hunt for signs of betrayal, and/or who waver between dependency and control, all engage in neurotic relational patterns. In doing so, they attempt to manage their needs for relational value, but are navigating it in a way that ultimately produces conflict or pushes others away, leaving needs unmet.
We manage tension between conflicting goals and filter things out of our full consciousness through our defenses. The defensive system tries to bring harmony to the various other systems of adaptation, but sometimes does so at significant costs. Two very common defenses are repression and rationalization. Repression is when material is blocked out of self-conscious recognition. For example, someone who makes up reasons that hide their true feelings or an “ego-defensive” person who processes through rationalization. Research on cognitive dissonance offers some compelling examples of how these processes lead to maladaptive patterns.
Finally, our verbal beliefs are networked into systems of justification that provide us with theories about ourselves in the world. Cognitive psychotherapy became widespread because it helped individuals realize that maladaptive interpretations or beliefs about how the world should be were the root of their suffering.
For example, many people have core beliefs that they are unlovable, and in vulnerable periods, they interpret setbacks as confirmation of such beliefs. Others have rigid beliefs about how the world must be if they are to function (e.g., the belief that everyone must like them). Others make catastrophic interpretations of minor events. The problem is that these beliefs legitimize actions, feeling states, or perceptions of self or others that lead to a crowd of maladaptive patterns. Cognitive psychotherapy is effective because it teaches folks to catch, check, and change maladaptive beliefs into more adaptive narratives.
As we have outlined above, the definition of neurotic is not fixed, and the neurotic person definition is not easily identifiable. If you’d like to explore the topic further, or have any questions, please reach out to one of our clinicians at 312-754-9404.
What it Means to Be “Neurotic”
As a New York Jewish woman, I am more than a little familiar with the term “neurotic.” It has been used to describe me – along with several of my family members – more than once. Sometimes the word makes me cringe – and I definitely think that it has negative connotations in our culture. At other times, though, “neurotic” feels endearing. After all, some of our best comedians use “neurotic” as a badge of honor, and find the self-deprecating humor in all their many neuroses.
What Does It Mean To Be “Neurotic”
The term “neurotic” is not just a word invented for comedic purposes, however. It is one of the “Big 5” personality traits (extroversion, neuroticism, openness, conscientiousness and agreeableness) recognized by psychologists, and is generally described as a propensity toward anxiety, negativity, and self-doubt – someone who tends to go through “worst case scenarios” in their mind on a loop.
Like all personality traits, there is spectrum when it comes to neuroticism, so all of us are at least a little neurotic (that’s a relief!). On the one hand, explains psychologist and professor Dr. C. George Boeree of Shippensburg University, people who tend more toward increased levels of neuroticism are “very nervous” and highly emotional. They may be more likely to develop disorders like “phobias, obsessions, compulsions, and depression.” Those with “low neuroticism” would be considered more emotionally stable.
For the most part, the label of “neurotic” has fallen out of favor in psychological circles. In 1980, the term “neurosis” was removed from the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-III), and most therapists and experts do not use the term to diagnose or describe the personality of their clients.
8 Common Personality Traits of Neurotics
How can you tell if you’re a little more neurotic than the rest of the world? Well, one main difference between someone who is simply neurotic and someone who has developed psychosis is that even the most highly neurotic person is clearly – maybe even painfully so – aware of this tendency in their personality.
Of course, neuroticism looks different for different people, but most people with highly neurotic personality traits have some combination of these defining characteristics, including:
- A tendency toward mood disorders like anxiety and depression
- Hyper-awareness and self-consciousness of one’s mistakes and imperfections
- A propensity to dwell on the negative
- An expectation that the worst outcome in any situation is the one most likely to occur
- Highly reactive to stress and emotional upset
- Compulsive, and may play the same scenario in one’s head over and over
- Prone to hypochondria and panic disorder
- May be more likely to adopt maladaptive behaviors, such as self-medication with alcohol, food, or other substances
Is Neuroticism Always A Bad Thing?
If your tendency toward neuroticism is causing you distress, or pushing you toward depression, anxiety, phobias, or addictions you should certainly consider seeking counseling or therapy to help manage your feelings and move toward wellness.
But remember, being “neurotic” is not a medical condition or even a diagnosable mood disorder. It is a personality trait and state of being that some of us just tend to have more of, and living with a higher dose of neuroticism than most people can be challenging. Therapy modalities like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) have been helpful for people who feel that their neurotic tendencies are taking over.
However, having a small and manageable amount of neuroticism in your life may actually be a good thing!
For example, Daniel Nettle, who wrote the book Personality: What Makes You the Way You Are, explains that neurotic people are “strivers” and tend to have an inner, self-directed drive to succeed. In addition, the tendency toward “rumination” that is often wrapped up in neuroses can be an asset if you are working in a detail-oriented job or one that requires in-depth thinking and analysis.
Neurotic personalities may also have had evolutionary advantages, as explained in a paper published in Evolution and Human Behavior. While people who are neurotic may be more likely to exhibit signs of depression and anxiety, they are traditionally “more risk-averse and vigilant concerning environmental dangers,” which certainly may have helped our “neurotic” ancestors survive adversity.
Don’t Be Ashamed of Your Neuroses
It’s no fun when your neurotic tendencies take over and make you miserable, but being a little neurotic is nothing to be ashamed of. Some of the most creative and successful people out there tend toward the neurotic side of things. It’s all a matter of keeping your neuroticism in perspective, using it to your advantage, seeking help if it gets out of hand – and making sure to maintain a healthy sense of humor about it all.
How does one deal with neurotic people?
When you have to deal with people who are not reasonable and show violent or abnormal behavior you have to be very patient. You have to prepare them for accepting your words without having a negative reaction. You cannot expect anything positive from them, the same way you do when you talk with sensible people.
First of all, you must have in mind that you are leading with a problematic person, and always pay attention to your behavior and your words. Everything can make them suspect that you are a dangerous enemy.
You have to make them stop thinking that you will take advantage of them. They are always afraid of everyone. Their violent reactions reflect their fears, their traumas, and the strong influence of the wild side of their conscience, which remains in a primitive condition.
It’s not a simple matter to make someone who suffers from neurosis or other mental illnesses stop looking at you as if you were their enemy. They cannot think logically.
Look at them as if you were looking at people who were in a war. Show them compassion and goodness.
You have to be very patient and careful, so that they may finally trust you, after seeing that you respect their points of view, even when you disagree with them. This is a difficult process, but if you’ll be patient and careful, you will manage to conquer their heart.
Neurotics don’t just avoid action: They dislike it, study finds
A study of nearly 4,000 college students in 19 countries has uncovered new details about why neurotic people may avoid making decisions and moving forward with life. Turns out that when they are asked if action is positive, favorable, good, they just don’t like it as much as non-neurotics. Therefore persuasive communications and other interventions may be useful if they simply alter neurotics’ attitudes toward inaction.
These findings come the study “Neuroticism and Attitudes Toward Action in 19 Countries.” It is published in the Journal of Personality and was written by Molly E. Ireland, Texas Tech University; Justin Hepler, University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign; Hong Li, Battelle Center for Analytics and Public Health; and Dolores Albarracín -the principal investigator of the study– from the Annenberg School for Communication, University of Pennsylvania.
“You’re so neurotic!” It’s a phrase that’s tossed about casually, but what exactly is neuroticism? It is a personality trait defined by the experience of chronic negative affect — including sadness, anxiety, irritability, and self-consciousness — that is easily triggered and difficult to control. Neurotic people tend to avoid acting when confronted with major and minor life stressors, leading to negative life consequences.
The researchers sought to determine whether and under what conditions neuroticism is associated with favorable or unfavorable representations of action and inaction. They investigated whether depression and anxiety would decrease proactive behavior among neurotic individuals, and whether a person’s collectivistic tendencies — considering the social consequences of one’s behavior before acting — would moderate the negative associations between neuroticism and action/inaction. The study found neurotics look at action less favorably and inaction more favorably than emotionally stable people do.
“People who are less emotionally stable have less positive attitudes towards action and more positive attitudes toward inaction,” the authors wrote. “Furthermore, anxiety was primarily responsible for neurotic individuals’ less positive attitudes toward action. The link between neuroticism and less positive attitudes toward action was strongest among individuals who endorsed more collectivistic than individualistic beliefs.” So, your neurotic friend who explicitly dislikes action is probably collectivistic -favoring social harmony, family and friends.
“People who are interested in reducing the harmful consequences of neuroticism in their own lives should think about how their attitudes toward action might be affecting their behavior. By learning to value action, they may be able to change many of the negative behaviors associated with neuroticism and anxiety — such as freezing when they should act, or withdrawing from stress instead of dealing proactively with it,” the authors concluded, suggesting that attitudes about action and inaction goals have broad consequences for behavior across diverse contexts and cultures. “These findings lay the groundwork for finding new methods of studying and ultimately preventing the negative consequence of neurotic action avoidance. Specifically, increasing exposure to action may be sufficient to combat tendencies to avoid proactive behavior.”
Picture this: It’s Monday morning. You get dressed, have breakfast, check to see all the stove burners are in the upright position, lock the front door, and leave for work. Then, as you’re sitting on the train, a nagging thought starts to creep in, “did I really turn all the burners off?”
What if, despite your meticulous morning ritual, you inadvertently hit one of the dials on the way out and didn’t notice? And, it’s cold out so you closed all the windows. But, if gas fills the apartment and your dog, who’s suffering from a heart condition, passes out before her walker gets there in the afternoon no one would find her in time…and the doomsday play by play drones on.
No, this isn’t an episode of Seinfeld, (although, really, it could be) this is a glimpse of a neurotic mindset spiraling into obsessive depths. Sound familiar?
Well, let’s face it, neuroticism can provide fodder for more-than-a-few laughs and even has some redeeming qualities (neurotic people tend to be more sensitive, meticulous, and prepared), all that unnecessary angst can take a toll.
The Negatives of Neuroticism
“Neuroticism produces a heightened perception of a potential threat and an activity to avoid it,” says clinical psychologist Gregg Henriques, Ph.D. director of the Combined Clinical and School Psychology Doctoral Program at James Madison University. “At an emotional level, it can cause unease, anxiety, depression, hostile irritability, shame, and guilt.”
And, as studies show, it can also predict depression and anxiety. “Depression and anxiety are partly defined by experiencing negative emotions to an intense degree with more sadness, worry, fear, and anxiety,” says clinical psychologist Kristin Naragon-Gainey, Ph.D., associate professor of psychology in The University of Buffalo’s Department of Psychology. “When people structure their lives around how to manage these emotions, it can impact functioning and make it harder to enjoy things because they’re more tuned in to what could go wrong, which only ends up creating more worry and depression,” she says.
Additionally, “highly neurotic people have a much lower threshold for experiencing depression and anxiety,” Dr. Henriques says. “They often feel compelled to react to events based on a charge of emotion that’s maladaptive and impulsive.”
How to Change Neurotic Thinking
But what if by simply changing your thought process you could become a little less neurotic? It’s all about shifting negative emotional reactivity into a mindset that’s stable, adaptive, and responsive to a situation, Dr. Henriques says. This doesn’t mean a complete personality overhaul, but, according to research, taking action and implementing behaviors (like the following) on the reg can help you shift your thinking when a bout of neuroticism strikes.
- Create a thought bubble for yourself. Basically, take the position of an objective observer, well, of yourself. “Going above and beyond yourself to think about what’s happening helps you understand who you are in reaction to it and creates curiosity rather than critical or controlling feelings,” Dr. Henriques says. Ask yourself questions like, “What am I feeling? What’s happened to elicit these feelings? “How do I understand myself in relation to these feelings.” This will help you become detached from the situation and think more clearly.
- Change your narrative. Instead of telling yourself things like, “I can’t handle this,” or
“This is horrible,” tweaking your language to say something more accepting like, “It’s unfortunate, but I’ll cope,” helps contextualize the feeling and emphasizes the capacity to accept and grow from it in an adaptive way, Dr. Henriques says. “Your emotion system will respond to how your cognitive language system frames an issue.”
- Sit with the negative thought. It’s a given: The more you try to avoid negative emotions or things that upset you, the more they tend to increase, Dr. Naragon-Gainey says. “Tolerating negative emotions when they come up and letting them fade away naturally helps keep you calm and your reactions in check. Experiencing negative emotions isn’t harmful, it’s what you do with them that can be problematic,” she says.
So, when you feel your neurosis rearing its ugly head, start talking to yourself (yes, we give you permission). Trust us, a little internal (or external) dialogue spoken in a reflective way can help keep you honest and guide you towards healthy ways of being.
Article Sources Last Updated: Dec 23, 2019