- 5 Things You Shouldnt Do If Hes Cheating on You
- Before Confronting Someone About Cheating, Prepare Yourself With These 5 Expert-Backed Ways
- 1. Be Prepared For The Outcome
- 2. Decide If The Relationship Is Salvageable
- 3. Collect All Your Facts
- 4. Play Through The Conversation In Your Mind
- 5. Make Sure You’re Feeling Calm Enough To Confront
- Don’t turn your confrontation into a discussion
- What not to do in your confrontation
- Be sure you don’t reject your spouse if you want to reconcile
- Don’t confront at the moment you catch your spouse in an affair
- Have the right attitude toward your spouse
- “When is the best time for me to confront my spouse about his or her affair?”
- “Shouldn’t I just wait for the affair to die out on it’s own, without confronting my spouse?”
- “I feel hurt and rejected, like my partner has intentionally done this to me or like my partner doesn’t care about our relationship any more.”
- “Do you have any examples of what to say to my spouse?”
- How to Confront a Cheating Husband
- The Most Important Factor in Confronting a Cheater
- How To Confront A Cheating Partner Without Losing Your Cool
- The 17 Worst Things You Can Do When Confronting a Cheater
- 1 Reacting immediately
- 2 Asking for all the details
- 3 Blaming yourself
- 4 Comparing yourself to the other person
- 5 Engaging in denial
- 6 Posting about it on social media
- 7 Offering instant forgiveness
- 8 Assuming the relationship is over
- 9 Trying to get even
- 10 Revenge cheating
- 11 Destroying your partner’s belongings
- 12 Emptying the bank accounts
- 13 Making major life decisions
- 14 Disappearing
- 15 Dismissing your feelings
- 16 Letting others dictate if you stay or leave
- 17 Avoiding therapy
- Confronting a Cheating Spouse
- Before You Confront Your Cheating Spouse
5 Things You Shouldnt Do If Hes Cheating on You
This may be the most important article you’ll read about dealing with your husband’s affair. There’s plenty of information available on what to do if your husband is cheating. But very little has been written about the things you shouldn’t do.
Your husband is cheating. You’re not sure what to do. Before wrestling with that decision, let’s focus first on what you SHOULDN’T do. Most women react blindly when they find out their husbands are having an affair. They let fear, anger, hurt, or a desire for revenge compel them to do things they later regret — things which make it difficult or impossible to implement any worthwhile infidelity advice they may later receive.
This article will keep you from making a mistake that could sabotage the course of action you eventually decide to take. Regardless of whether you decide to leave your husband or stay with him and try to work things out, doing the wrong thing at the outset can make a bad situation worse. Let’s look at 5 key things you SHOULDN’T do and examine the reasons why.
1. Don’t put him out or leave him – yet.
Instead of your first move, putting your husband out or leaving him should be your last resort. You may eventually decide to do this, but for now, it’s the worst thing you can do. Right now you need to keep a close eye on what’s going on. It’ll be easier to do that if the two of you are still living under the same roof. If you put him out or leave, you’ll be hard-pressed to know what he’s doing, short of hiring an investigator. As long as you’re still together, you can keep your finger on the pulse of his affair and gather some much-needed facts. There’s a lot you need to know about the situation before you can make an intelligent decision about what to do. Continue monitoring your husband’s activities, attitude, the frequency of his contact with his lover and any other details concerning his affair. Write everything down in a journal for future use. Also bear in mind that as long as he’s still there, you have a chance to work things out.
2. Don’t tell the whole world about his infidelity.
It’s natural to want to confide in somebody about your husband’s affair, or rally friends and family to your side. But be very cautious about who you tell. The female friend you confide in could turn out to be the “other woman.” Make sure you’re confiding in someone you know you can trust. Confiding in a male friend about your husband’s affair could complicate the situation. There are men out there who take advantage of women when they’re in a vulnerable state. Telling your husband’s friends or family may not produce the results you want. They might not take you seriously, or they may lie, make excuses for him, take his side, or warn him to cover his tracks. Confiding in your own family and friends can eventually come back to haunt you. Elephants aren’t the only ones who never forget. Some people have a tendency to remember unpleasant events long after they’ve been resolved. If you and your husband decide to reconcile, they could make things difficult by harboring anger and hostility toward him for what he did to you. Or they may show resentment toward you for taking him back. Exercise caution in who you tell about your husband’s affair.
3. Don’t ignore his affair or pretend it’s not happening.
Going into denial will only make matters worse. As traumatic as it is to find out that your husband has been cheating, you need to face the reality of the situation. Ignoring his infidelity gives him the go-ahead to continue his affair. Pretending it’s not happening will make him think he’s getting away with his cheating, or give him the impression that he has your silent approval. At some point you should inform your husband that you know about his affair and make it clear that you want it to stop. The sooner you confront him about his cheating, the better. The longer you wait to bring it up and express your disapproval, the more attached he will become to the other woman. And the harder it will be to get your marriage back on track. Remember too, that affairs thrive in secrecy. Sometimes, just telling your husband you know about it, will be enough to put a stop to his affair.
4. Don’t confront him without the 3 P’s – Proof, a Plan, and a Purpose.
Most experts agree that you should confront your husband about his cheating. But you need to have a plan. Choose the time and place carefully so you can discuss the affair at length without interruption.
- DO NOT ask your husband if he’s cheating. CHEATERS ALWAYS LIE. Present the evidence you’ve gathered that proves he’s having an affair – names, dates, places, times, absences, phone calls, physical evidence, etc. Then ask him some pointed questions about his affair: why he did it, how it started, how long it’s been going on, how he feels about the other woman, what he intends to do now that you know. Listen carefully to his answers so you can accurately assess the situation. Then you’ll be able to make a wise decision about what course of action to take.
- DO NOT CONFRONT YOUR HUSBAND WITHOUT PROOF OF HIS INFIDELITY. To do so will be a colossal waste of time. Unless you can prove he’s been cheating, the information-gathering phase will never get off the ground. If you need proof, there’s a way for you to get it without hiring a detective or buying software or surveillance equipment. “Is He Cheating on You? – 829 Telltale Signs” will help you find all the proof you need using only your eyes and ears, your personal knowledge of your husband, and the information in this book.
5. Don’t waste your time and energy on the other woman.
One of the worst things you can do is become obsessed with the other woman. It’s natural for you to be curious about her, but she’s not worth your time and energy.
- Repeatedly questioning your husband about her, referring to her or dragging her name into the conversation puts the spotlight on her instead of on the real issues where it belongs.
- Don’t obsess over the details of what happened between the two them.
- Concentrate on working things out between the two of you.
- Do not humiliate or frustrate yourself by calling or confronting the other woman and demanding that she leave your husband alone. She’s not obligated to take orders from you. Harassing her or threatening her will put you on the wrong side of the law.
- Name-calling, criticizing or belittling the her will only make your husband come to her defense. You’ll be driving them closer together instead of forcing them apart
- Forget about the other woman and focus your energy and efforts on getting your marriage back on track.
Will you end up sabotaging your marriage or saving it? The final outcome depends on the way you handle things when you first discover your husband’s affair. In the initial stages, you may be unsure exactly what you’re going to do. But at least you know what NOT to do. Whether you stay with your husband or leave him, avoiding these mistakes, leaves the way clear for whatever decision you eventually make.
It appears that more and more married women are staying in relationships despite the fact they know their husband is cheating on them. Women often stay with their man if he shows some type of remorse or appears to be truthful in never letting the infidelity happen again.
Why is that though? There is a multitude of reasons for their decisions. They may stay to keep their family together – to ensure the children are happy. They may stay for a financial reason (the inability to handle finances with one income). Some women may stay because they feel that, after years of marriage, it’s in their best interest to at least try and repair the damage.
7 Tips On How To Deal With A Cheating Husband
Have you recently found out that your husband has been cheating on you? If so, then you’re probably wondering how you can cope with the knowledge that he was unfaithful. Do you want to know how to deal with infidelity in your marriage?
Do you walk away without a second look?
Do you give the relationship another shot?
Seek Support From Somewhere
One of the most important tips on how to deal with infidelity is to realize that your ego is bruised and you no longer trust your spouse. Your partner is some stranger who’s been lying to you for years. It’s hard to get past that sense of inadequacy. You may feel like you’re never going to be the same person – and the reality is, you never are.
This kind of betrayal makes a person suspicious – to do things they would never have thought to do before. You may feel like spying on your significant other because you can’t trust them. Your world will never be the same. You don’t feel as safe as you did previously.
This is where getting help is a necessity. Look for some support to help you during this time. You’re in an emotional fallout, and you need friends and family you can trust – even a third-party that you have no relation to – to assist you. Consider looking into forums or support groups. Read articles, and talk to professionals who have your best interest at heart.
In the long run, you’ll thank yourself for it.
Talk To Your Husband About The Infidelity
As hard as it may seem, you’re going to need to talk to your husband about what happened. This is the time for you to ask questions regarding the history and his behavior. You probably have questions as to why he did it. Don’t just blurt these questions out. Instead, think about them rationally to ensure you get a clear understanding of what happened.
Ask him when it happened.
How long it’s been going on?
Where did he meet them?
Where did they go?
Most women already know when a man is cheating on her. It’s a gut feeling they have that something wasn’t right in the marriage. The answers to your questions only confirm those suspicions. Did your husband really need to go away on a business trip? Did he leave early from dinner to meet with a business client or meet with her?
The only surefire way to overcome the betrayal you feel is to have the husband admit his behavior and commit to ending it once and for all. He must also come clean about the entire affair – from beginning to end. He needs to realize that you’re in charge now to determine what information you really need to know.
Bear in mind that while some information is helpful, some of it can be downright hurtful. You need to know how much is too much and when the right time to stop talking is. Take things slowly. If you’re asking questions about it, your husband should be willing to provide those answers.
Seek Support From Somewhere. You’re in an emotional fallout, and you need friends and family you can trust.
Let Your Husband Know You Need To Proof… For Now
While you don’t want to monitor your husband from this point on and you can’t control his behavior, you should explain to him that for a time, you’d like to know where he is and who he is with. This will help you to determine if he’s going to truthful and faithful. Let him know that you want to trust him, but he has to earn that back.
Of course, you can always say nothing and see what he does. Will he prove your suspicions right again? A wait-and-see scenario often leaves a woman with no power in her hand and subjected to his every whim. And, if you ignore those suspicious feelings you have, it may do your relationship more harm than good. Do not keep your head in the sand when it comes to your feeling and misgivings.
If you let your husband know about how you feel and express the need for some verification – at least for a little while – he may realize just how much of your trust he needs to earn back. He needs to understand that there will be occasions when he raises a red flag in your eyes and you’re nervous about what he’s doing.
Time will help heal the wound and lead you to trust him again, but there will be hiccups along the way. If he lets you know what he’s doing, then you can let your nervous system ease up on your body.
Request He Deal With The Fallout
Your husband got himself into this mess, and now it’s time for him to get himself out if he plans on staying with you. This means cutting off all contact with sites, apps, services and people that helped him to cheat. Ask him to prove that he’s done this for you. If necessary, ask him to end it in front of you.
Tell Your Husband You Both Need To Be Tested For STDs
Do not ever trust your husband in saying he took precautions when asking him for the tests. He has cheated, and your health is now at risk. You should want both of you tested. You may not want to admit this to your doctor because of the embarrassment that you feel, but it’s better safe than sorry. Your doctor isn’t making judgments about the situation. Your health should be your number one priority.
Slowly Become Sexually Intimate Once Again
For some women, the hardest part of staying with a husband who cheated on you is having sex with them after the affair. For other women, they’ll use sex to feel secure in the relationship. The best advice you can get is to do what you feel is right. If you need to wait to have sex after the affair, then wait. If you feel like being sexually closed to him is what you need, then do it. But, go at your pace… not his.
And remember, physical intimacy can often affect the communication that needs to happen to get past the pain. Time will heal wounds; sex doesn’t!
Participate In Couples Counseling
Infidelity is something people cannot easily get over. It affects every part of the relationship, and no matter how hard a couple tries, they may not be able to address the problems for themselves. This is when couples counseling may be in order. If your husband is a habitual cheater, then it can be difficult for a wife to know when her husband is actual feeling remorseful about his actions. They’re afraid to trust, only to find they’ve been suckered once again.
A certified therapist can help couples to talk with each other about the situation and how to best move on from the pain.
Infidelity in a marriage can break a couple’s connection, and these are just some of the many ways in which they can reconnect. If a woman decides to stay with her husband after an affair, then it’s important that she can heal and forgive, but it takes time. If you want to stay with your cheating husband, you must first ask yourself if you can get over the betrayal, learn about your husband once again and determine if this relationship is really what you want.
Are you a woman who found out her husband is cheating on you? Want to know more about how to deal with cheating husband without losing him? If so, then consider checking out Brad Browning online program “Mend The Marriage” at mendthemarriage.com. If your marriage means the world to you, then getting some additional tips on how to save it may be the best thing you do for your relationship.
Before Confronting Someone About Cheating, Prepare Yourself With These 5 Expert-Backed Ways
All my life, people have told me I have a “truth lasso,” meaning there is just something about me that makes people need to confess things to me. It can be a curse, like when random strangers strike up a conversation and suddenly start spilling dark secrets to me. It happens all the time. But how I first got this reputation actually started in high school when I suspected my best friend’s boyfriend was cheating. So, I posted myself on the back porch at his house party and started collecting intel. If I knew anything about confronting someone about cheating, it was that you have to gather all the facts — but if you’re going to do it properly know, that’s just the start.
Knowing how to deal with a cheating partner is hopefully information you’ll never need, but if it happens, there are definitely wrong and right ways to handle the conversation. So, just in case it happens in the future, or you strongly suspect it’s happening now, I’ve turned to the experts to get their insights on how to prepare and execute a confrontation with a cheater like a pro. Just because they are stepping out doesn’t mean you don’t still have the power. Here’s what the experts said.
1. Be Prepared For The Outcome
When you discover or suspect your partner is cheating, emotions are guaranteed to to run high. No one can blame you for being highly emotional when you learn your SO has betrayed your trust. So there may be temptation to let emotion rule and just charge ahead with a confrontation.
Susan Winter, bestselling author and relationship expert, warns that this is a terrible idea. Rather than charging ahead and blundering into a conversation you aren’t ready for, it’s essential to take the time to think about how prepared you are for a conversation that will forever change the relationship. “The number one factor to consider is ‘Are you prepared for the outcome?'” she says. “This isn’t meant to mute you or stop you from getting to the truth. But be aware that calling out your partner also means you need to be ready to walk away.”
2. Decide If The Relationship Is Salvageable
Just because someone strays doesn’t automatically mean you have to break up. But if moving forward together is something you’re considering, Winter suggests you decide that for yourself in advance.
Think about the degree to which you are willing to work with them if you do find out that they have cheated, she says. If you want to try and salvage the relationship, know that before you confront them. Ask yourself if you are willing to forgive them, and if you are capable of not harboring resentment. The key is to just be honest with yourself about what you want moving forward, so you don’t end up getting pressured one way or the other in the heat of the moment.
3. Collect All Your Facts
There is a chance when you confront your SO about their behavior that they are going to try and deny it. They may even try to turn it around on you, which is why you always want to make sure you’ve got receipts to shut that down immediately.
“Have screenshots of your mate’s text messages, credit card receipt copies, or any other tangible evidence of their cheating. Without tangible evidence, you’ll sound like an insecure, neurotic partner,” says Winter. Once faced with evidence, it should shut down any denials and you can start having a real conversation.
But what if you don’t have any actual evidence, just a gut feeling that they are cheating? Nora DeKeyser, date coach and matchmaker for Three Day Rule, suggests a softer approach. “Don’t accuse,” she says. “Come into the conversation out of love for the other person and love for yourself, but most of all, love for your bond together as partners. Angle the question in a way that says, ‘I want us to work; we have so much love for each other,’ and then discuss your questions.”
DeKeyser also warns against undermining yourself by coming into the conversation with an out. “Don’t say ‘I know this is crazy of me to say, but…’” she says. By starting off like that, “you are doubting yourself first and you will never be satisfied with the outcome.” Just because you’re coming into the conversation without the advantage of tangible proof doesn’t mean you should be afraid to confront a partner whose behavior is making you suspicious. Above all, trust your gut and know your value.
4. Play Through The Conversation In Your Mind
While there’s no way to know exactly how your partner will react to the confrontation, taking the time to imagine the various scenarios will help prepare you for any outcome. Expect the unexpected and you can retain control of the conversation.
“If your mate is sorry, sobbing and begging you for another chance, think in advance how you’d respond to that outcome,” says Winter. “Conversely, think through how you’d say, ‘It’s over.’” By playing out these scenes in advance, it will help you be more polished, calm, and prepared when the time comes.
5. Make Sure You’re Feeling Calm Enough To Confront
OK, now for the hard part: Not totally losing it when you confront your partner. DeKeyser says the best way to keep your cool is to take the conversation seriously and plan accordingly. “Really prepare your thoughts and feelings behind this conversation. This is not a flippant topic to bring up, so don’t treat it that way. Really write out exactly why you feel this way,” she says.
Winter adds that it’s also all about the delivery. “Histrionics and screaming will make you look like crazy girl. If you can’t deliver your evidence in a calm, measured manner — wait until you can,” she says, adding, “how to deliver this information has everything to do with how effective your results . Be in control of your emotions and you’ll look like the victor (even if you feel like the loser).”
Confronting a cheater is always brutal, but at least by preparing properly, you can avoid the pitfalls that make it even harder.
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You will have to confront your cheating spouse with your knowledge of his or her affair if you hope to save your relationship. But, what is the best way to do that?
Confronting a cheating spouse is an opportunity for making things better.
Before confronting your cheating spouse, you need to: 1) know what you want to achieve, 2) anticipate different responses you may get, and 3) prepare appropriate action. This article will help you to prepare, be effective, and avoid conflict.
Don’t turn your confrontation into a discussion
Keep the confrontation simple and short. This is not the time for working on your relationship or getting your feelings out. It is not a discussion, negotiation, lecture,or interview. And, it definitely should not be an argument. A simple and effective way to do it is in writing rather than face to face.
Face to face confrontations are not a good choice. When a bear is trapped in a corner, it will turn to fight, as will a mouse. Let your partner collect his or thoughts and calm down before giving you his or her response, if any. With my coaching clients, I help them to draft a written message. The message should be short, specific, and loving but not needy.
The message must not close the door nor offer instant forgiveness. Offering forgiveness while your spouse is still cheating is harmful. It actually encourages your spouse to continue cheating. It lacks any incentive for your spouse to stop. Your spouse will need to end the affair before forgiveness can be given.
What not to do in your confrontation
Don’t talk about your feelings, blame your spouse, or make threats. If you blame or threaten, you will not get contrition, but defensiveness. Also, talking about your feelings at this time is likely to make you vulnerable when you need to be strong.
Don’t get drawn into a discussion. The confrontation is not a discussion, but is you giving specific information to your spouse. It’s purpose is to get your partner’s respect, express your desire for restoring your relationship, and to give your spouse a forced choice with no other options. It is a vital first step along the path of reconciling when there is an affair.
Be sure you don’t reject your spouse if you want to reconcile
If you say you are definitely ending the relationship, you will create the following problems:
- you will have to back down from it later, which will lose you more respect;
- your partner may respond by rejecting you, putting you in a difficult position regarding reconnecting; and
- you are less likely to find out why your partner is having an affair.
Don’t assume you understand the reason for the affair. All you know at this point is that your partner is having an affair. Although an affair is always wrong, it can be more or less understandable, depending on the reason. Although it is always wrong to steal, it is understandable is one is starving. It could be that you starved your spouse by not doing important things that show love to your spouse.
Don’t confront at the moment you catch your spouse in an affair
If you catch your partner in the act, whether in the back seat of your car or in your bed, leave immediately. You need time to compose yourself, make a plan, and possibly get a consultation with a professional. Not much good is going to come out of a bedroom or even cell phone confrontation.
Use careful, deliberate action, not panicked reaction. You didn’t walk into the beginning of their relationship. The time that you take to compose yourself, pray, and talk to a friend, will be well spent. Walk out right away and let your spouse worry about what you are going to say. Don’t take his or her calls. Let him or her sweat for a while.
Have the right attitude toward your spouse
Avoid seeing your spouse as evil. I recommend seeing your spouse much the same as if he or she had a drug or alcohol addiction. For sure, affairs and addictions are not the same thing, but usually serve a similar purpose. They feel good at the time, are damaging, and are hard to stop on one’s own.
Affairs are self-destructive, as well as other-destructive. The affair may be the result of a character flaw. Or it could be a symptom of an already failing relationship. Lovingly wanting to help is better than angrily wanting to hurt your spouse. You have to be tough in order to help, not hurt, your spouse.
Try not to take the affair personally. Your spouse’s affair is an attempt for your spouse to feel loved, have fun, and be important. It is not your spouse’s attempt to hurt you. Although cheating is destructive, wanting to feel loved and important are understandable.
“When is the best time for me to confront my spouse about his or her affair?”
Like pulling a tooth, there never is an easy time. Acting before you’re ready is not good, but neither is letting things go on. I do suggest that before you confront your spouse you make plans for:
- separating, should your spouse not immediately end the affair,
- having supportive people you can count on, even if you only have a counselor or coach, and
- knowing proper boundaries to not let your spouse re-connect with you too soon
Your trust must be earned back. When forgiveness and re-connection come to easily, affair are very likely to recur. You will have taught your spouse that cheating on you has no serious consequences.
1) being safe; 2) getting social support; and 3) having a place to go temporarily, if necessary. You don’t want to be in the position where you give your spouse a choice between you and the other person and then find you have no recourse when your spouse just continues the affair.
“Shouldn’t I just wait for the affair to die out on it’s own, without confronting my spouse?”
Can you remain loving day after day with a spouse who is giving his or her love to someone else rather than you? If you can’t, and you start to become distant and cold, that will only push your spouse more toward his or her affair partner.
If you do allow it and keep quiet, what does your spouse learn from the experience? Love demands taking actions which your spouse won’t like, in order to save your relationship. And, the longer you delay action, the less likely you are to reconcile.
“I feel hurt and rejected, like my partner has intentionally done this to me or like my partner doesn’t care about our relationship any more.”
There is a possibility that your spouse has rejected you and has been preparing to leave your relationship. This is sometimes the case. If so, then feeling hurt and rejected is appropriate and you need to see this for what it is–a relationship issue rather than an affair issue. In an affair, the person having the affair attempts to get something from the affair while also maintaining his or her marriage or committed relationship. That’s the reason for the secrecy.
It’s not so much a matter of rejecting you as it is poor coping. Your spouse may love you, and not want to lose you, but have a hard time living without something that the affair is providing. There are some good ways you can check to see how much hope is left for your marriage. God can use all things for good for those who love him (Romans 8:28) and it just could be that this affair has created the crisis needed to get your relationship back on track.
“Do you have any examples of what to say to my spouse?”
Each situation is unique, and what works well for one person may not be suited for another. There are some common elements, however:
- I know about your cheating,
- I love you and want the relationship to work,
- That can’t happen while you are cheating,
- So, either you end all contact, or we separate/divorce.
There are other choices and other messages you could make, but this is the most common structure. If you were my client, I would help you to prepare and practice for different responses. My book, Connecting Through Yes! includes many examples of how to do this with a cheating spouse.
Sexual Affair or Emotional Affair? Questions and AnswersEnd Your Spouse’s Limerence for Another PersonWhy Men Cheat and Have Affairs Want to reconcile, but your spouse doesn’t? Relationship saving coaching packages for you.
Back in August, we talked about cheating and over 20% of you shared that you’d be cheated on. Cheating is one of those topics that just won’t go away. There’s always a new celebrity who confesses he or she had an affair, cough, David Arquette, cough. But what happens with the cheating happens much closer to home? What do you do if you suspect your own partner is cheating?
Last week, I had the pleasure of speaking with Connection Coach and motivational speaker Jonathan Sprinkles at length about cheating. Jonathan is an award-winning national speaker and author; his message is simple: connect with the success and lifestyle you deserve. His personal development company, Sprinklisms, aims to empower people to exceed their own belief about their potential.
Rosemary: What’s the first thing a woman should do if she suspects her guy isn’t being faithful?
Jonathan: Many people will tell you, “If you think he’s cheating, he’s cheating.” I disagree.
Sometimes, suspicions of being cheated on stem from past relationships or personal insecurities.
Before you take any action, you need to first do a self-assessment and make sure you aren’t being petty or overly-sensitive. In situations such as these, your feelings can betray you if you don’t keep them in check.
Next, write down your thoughts as well as the facts. This will help you articulate your feelings completely and think through the entire chain of events. It will also provide a buffer between your emotions and your actions.
Finally, seek wise counsel. Talk to an unbiased third party such as a level-headed friend, a spiritual advisor/religious leader, or even a parent. Only solicit those who will tell you the truth and are unafraid to tell you whether your concerns are legitimate or that you’re being paranoid.
Rosemary: Should she resist the urge to snoop in his Facebook or email accounts?
Jonathan: Hacking into someone’s accounts is a total violation of privacy. And it’s illegal. You need to ask yourself if it’s worth possibly losing your relationship as well as a friendship because you did something to him that you know you wouldn’t like happening to you.
Besides, if you do find some dirt, you’ll still have to disclose how you found it. Also, unless you discover a sexy picture or a “looking forward to another lunchtime quickie” note that is undeniable proof of wrongdoing, there’s a high likelihood you’re going to misinterpret a conversation and read more into it than it really was. If you confront him over a comment such as “thanks for last night,” and it turns out his friend was thanking him for helping her reconcile with her boyfriend, you just lost his trust forever. Not to mention, you now look like an ass. A soon-to-be-single-ass at that.
What do you say to a cheating husband? how do you find out the truth?
Whatever you do, do NOT confront a cheater without a good plan.
If you don’t follow some critical rules, most chances he will either angrily run out of the house (allowing him to get his story straight), or stay and turn the focus to you (by attacking you for snooping on him or blaming you for your problems, etc.).
How to Confront a Cheating Husband
This guide will show how to confront a cheating spouse and get the truth out of him – by the end of the day.
Plus, you’ll find how cheaters react when confronted about infidelity.
1. Prepare for the Obvious
Before you learn how to confront a cheater, prepare yourself for the obvious: The majority of cheating spouses will deny-deny-deny cheating until they are blue in the face.
Some of them will deny an affair even if you present them with hard evidence. Songs were written about this, that’s how much it’s true.
Because even if you thought he was your best friend, the one person that would never lie to you this way, the fact is that you are “catching” him unprepared.
He doesn’t have his story straight yet, he hasn’t decided whether he wants to:
- Admit cheating,
- How to tell you about it
- How much to reveal and in case of a long-term affair – whether to end it at all.
- Until he makes a decision, he will deny everything, while making up the most ridiculous lies just to get away with it.
2. Get Solid Evidence
You can confront someone who is cheating only when you have solid evidence.
If you don’t have “physical” evidence, such as nude pictures, emails describing his passion for her, a receipt for jewelry or a motel – do NOT confront him.
If you don’t have proof you will only give him a heads up and actually help him be more careful from now on. He gets a chance to be much more careful from now on, which means you may never find proof.
Second, if you don’t have proof – you might be wrong. He could be faithful to you, and if you wrongly accuse him you could destroy your relationship.
3. Count to 10
I know it is the HARDEST thing to do in this situation but breathe in deep, and count to ten.
You are upset, hurt beyond belief, your whole life is crumbling under your feet – but you have to confront him when you are calm and collected.
Focus on the facts and don’t let your emotions control you.
If you attack him and scream at him he will probably use it to storm out of the house saying he can’t talk to you and use this time to get his story straight.
Be prepared with your proof and don’t let him turn the focus to your snooping. You can say, “Yes, I admit it was wrong to snoop on you, but the FACT is that I had a good reason to do that – here’s the evidence.”
4. Stay Firm
He may try to blame the whole thing on you. He won’t be the first one to do it.
It’s much easier than providing an explanation for his behavior. He will instinctively call you crazy, stupid, insecure, childish and a psycho. Don’t let him do that. Don’t argue.
You can say – “o.k., I am stupid and childish. Who is she and how long have you been cheating on me?”
Demand an explanation. He may also try to get you to admit that he had a good reason for cheating.
He may ask you “Why would I look for sex outside my relationship?” and get you to think of an excuse for him (clever, right?) or to make you believe that he has no reason to cheat.
Make him answer his own questions by saying nothing. Just look in his eyes as long as it takes and wait for him to answer it by himself.
👉 Got him to admit cheating? here are the 10 most important questions to ask him about the affair.
5. The Jedi Mind Trick
If he insists on denying, and your proof has “holes” in it, try to take some of the blame on yourself. You don’t have to mean it; it’s just a tactic to get him to confess.
Bring up the possibility that you weren’t giving him what he needs – sexually, emotionally or otherwise.
If he is close to confessing, it will make it much easier for him to tell you the truth. He will that some of the blame was lifted from him.
Sneaky, but it works.
The Most Important Factor in Confronting a Cheater
An affair doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s the end of your relationship. You may find it hard to see right now, but an affair is just a symptom of a troubled relationship.
You can go with the “Once a cheater always a cheater BS, or you can stop, think about it a little and consider giving your relationship one more chance.
But I have to warn you: Attempting to do it alone is taking the road to nowhere.
my own experience has shown me that you need professional help.
Remember – even if he cheated, it doesn’t mean he has no love for you anymore.
Something went terribly wrong along the way, but if you both commit to the healing process, you have a chance of winning a better relationship than ever.
Surviving an affair requires honesty and transparency that can work wonders on your relationship.
It’s hard for me to admit it, but my husband’s affair and the healing journey we went through together has brought us a renewed and honest relationship, complete transparency and ultimately more love.
How will your journey end?
Rooting for ya,
How To Confront A Cheating Partner Without Losing Your Cool
Your worst nightmare has come true. Your partner is cheating on you. You’ve read the signs and confirmed the betrayal. Now what? How do you deal? How do you move forward? Once you’ve made a decision to confront them, you need to think about the ways to confront your cheating partner. Because there is certainly more than one way, and there are certainly ways that are generally viewed as better than others. Not that any confrontation is ideal, especially when dealing with something so unsavory.
When you find out your partner is being unfaithful to you, everything feels broken. On top of that, there’s the anger. How do you confront your partner without going off the rails? Is it even possible to remain calm and coherent while telling your partner what you know? It is, with a certain amount of practice. I spoke with relationship counselor and psychologist Elisabeth Graham to get her advice on how to tackle such a messy situation.
“The most important thing you can do, is to take your time processing your emotions,” Graham says. “There’s no prescribed resolution for the betrayal you’re feeling.” She goes onto say that everyone and everyone’s relationship is different, and that it may take longer than expected to heal from such a trespass. She advises to take your time, and explore your options, on top of the seven steps below.
1. Assemble The Evidence
Unless you have solid proof, confronting your partner could be a mistake. “Cheaters are well practiced liars,” Graham says. If you don’t have proof? Don’t bother. Chances are high that your partner will weasel their way (or at the very least try) out of your confrontation. “Confrontation is innately uncomfortable,” she says. “The steps leading up to confrontation will likely be just as uncomfortable, but the more prepared you are, the better chance you’ll have at initiating a successful communication session with your partner.”
2. Write It All Down
When in doubt? Write it down. “Writing down what you’re feeling is a practice I have my clients do often, not just when they’re facing a situation involving infidelity,” Graham says. “Writing down the emotions you hope to convey helps people feel as though they have a net of support to rely on when confronting a partner.”
3. Figure Out What You Want
What’s the end game here? Do you want to end your relationship? Do you want to fix it? Graham advises, different outcomes require different methods of confrontation. “You approach people differently when you want certain outcomes from them,” Graham says. “Deciding the goal of your outcome will deeply effect the way you approach your partner.”
4. Set A Time Frame
Once you’ve decided you’re ready to approach your partner, carve out a specific amount of time with them to discuss the matter. “Putting a time limit on the initial confrontation helps you stay on track,” Graham says. Stick to your questions, keep your written dialogue with you, and keep an eye on the clock. Graham even recommends setting a timer. “You’re not going to come to an emotional resolution during your first conversation, and it’s important to recognize that.” Creating a time limit helps prevent the conversation from spiraling out of control.
5. Stay Calm
This is easier said than done, but stay calm. Yes, you’re allowed to be angry. Yes, you’re allowed to be sad. Yes, you’re allowed to cry. But staying calm is key. “If you want your questions answered, staying calm with your partner is important,” Graham says. “There has been a deep emotional betrayal in your relationship, calm is not the first emotion people reach for.” In order to facilitate a beneficial communication session with your partner, however, Graham says that calm is key.
6. Get To The Root
“Most scorned partners want to know why,” Graham says. “Why your partner would betray you is almost always at the top of my clients’ lists of questions in these exercises.” Getting to the root of the betrayal may take more than one confrontation, more than one conversation, but if it’s important to you, it’s important to get there. Often times, when couples decide to move forward after one has strayed, it takes multiple conversations to not only facilitate healing, but to find out why one partner strayed from the other.
7. Consider Counseling
Graham says there’s no shame in reaching out to a counselor to help facilitate these communication sessions. “If you’re dedicated to moving forward with your partner, a counseling session can go a long way,” she says. Having an outside third party to assess each partner’s emotional state, and to help move the conversation forward can be paramount in repairing a couple’s trust.
The 17 Worst Things You Can Do When Confronting a Cheater
Catching your partner in the act of infidelity is a crushing blow, and one that’s not easy to get over. It’s only natural to want to seek revenge, to blame yourself, or even to just pretend like nothing happened. But none of these things are going to help you in the long run. To make sure you confront a cheater in the healthiest way possible, be sure to avoid the worst things you can do if you catch your partner cheating, according to relationships experts.
1 Reacting immediately
The moment you find out your partner has been cheating, you’ll likely be filled with rage. But that’s not going to help you communicate, says April Davis, the founder of luxury matchmaking company LUMA.
“The worst thing you can do if you catch your partner cheating is come at them with rage and clouded with your emotions,” she says. “To steer clear of this, before the confrontation, you need to take time and map it out. The more prepared you are, the better it will go. It’s important to go into this level-headed; the last thing you want is for it to blow up in your face more than it already has.”
2 Asking for all the details
“When someone violates a monogamy agreement, there is often a strong desire to know every detail of the transgression,” says Nicole Prause, PhD, a neuroscientist and licensed sexual psychologist based in California. “How did they first meet? How much did she press into his lips when they kissed?”
But, according to Prause, details just make everything more vivid and more distressing. Plus, she adds, “you will never know all the details. Next time you will wonder what they were wearing. Next time you will wonder how they had sex when it was so dark there.” Your curiosity is bound to get the better of you.
3 Blaming yourself
There is perhaps no instance when you feel less in control than when you find out your partner has betrayed your trust, which is why you might turn the blame on yourself.
“Following traumas, we tend to blame ourselves for the event as a way to gain a sense of control,” says Heather Z. Lyons, PhD, a psychology professor at Loyola University and a licensed couples counselor in Baltimore. “However, that’s a defensive response and one that’s based on incomplete, if not inaccurate, information. This might help us feel empowered in the short-term, but this assumption isn’t helpful in the long-term.”
4 Comparing yourself to the other person
Again, this is a natural response, but it’s one you have to resist in order to cope with the problem at hand. “Comparing yourself to the person your partner cheated with will only make you feel worse,” says licensed marriage therapist Catherine Jackson. “It is unproductive and would only serve to bring your mood down further.”
5 Engaging in denial
It might be hard for some to believe, but turning a blind eye to an affair is a common response. It’s also, however, a dangerous one.
“It’s already bad that you know your partner’s cheating on you,” says Celia Schweyer, a dating and relationship expert at DatingScout.com. “What’s worse is when you’ve already caught him in the act and you don’t call him out for it just because you love him so much, and you don’t want to lose him.”
Social media has become a part of our everyday lives. But even if you’re someone who posts personal information on Facebook or Instagram regularly, resist the urge when it comes to something like an affair.
“While you might want the whole world to know that your partner is not who you thought they were, one of the worst things that you can do when you catch your partner cheating is post it on social media,” explains Adina Mahalli, a relationship expert at Maple Holistics. “You’re essentially creating a public scene and while you think everyone will rush to your support, most people are just cringing that they’re ‘watching’ something so personal go down in public.”
7 Offering instant forgiveness
Because catching your partner in an affair can be so earth-shattering, the person who has been betrayed often just wants to “get back to ‘normal’ as quickly as possible, says Kevin Darné, the author of My Cat Won’t Bark! (A Relationship Epiphany).
“Unfortunately when a person does not take time out to process what has happened, they may be offering forgiveness while being unable to forgive,” he says. “As time goes on, they discover no matter how much contrition their partner shows or effort they make to be transparent to earn their trust, it’s not enough.”
8 Assuming the relationship is over
“Cheating isn’t an automatic ‘dealbreaker’ for everyone,” says Darné. “Some couples have actually reported their relationships became stronger after an affair. However, each person has to know themselves and listen to their inner guide. Not everyone is capable of giving someone who hurt them a clean slate. If every time you look at your mate, you conjure up images of them lying and cheating on you, staying with them is an act of self-mutilation.”
9 Trying to get even
Yes, hurt people hurt people. But “going after your cheating mate keeps you stuck in the pain,” explains Kimberly Friedmutter, relationship expert and author of Subconscious Power: Use Your Inner Mind to Create the Life You’ve Always Wanted. “That means no low-blow behavior.”
Jackson reiterates that it’s important to “resist the urge to get even.” “Doing so may lead to poor decisions, some of which you cannot undo. Sometimes when we ‘get even,’ we actually hurt ourselves more in the process,” she advises. “Furthermore, you are likely to feel bad about getting even—doing something you never intended to, but only did to make your partner hurt as much as you do.”
10 Revenge cheating
And yes, that goes for cheating as revenge, too. “Cheating to get back at your cheating partner will not make you feel better,” says Schweyer. “You might think that you’re hurting them this way as a revenge, but you’re actually just hurting yourself more. Cheating on your partner will not solve the problem. It will only make your relationship even less worthwhile to maintain.”
11 Destroying your partner’s belongings
Ripping up something your significant other loves or smashing once-cherished framed photos isn’t a long-term solution either. “You think you will feel better by diverting all your emotions and being destructive, but as good as it might feel at first, you are doing more harm to yourself than good,” says Schweyer. “The aftermath is dealing with your insurance company and maybe even the police. Chances are high that you’ll be labeled as the ‘crazy’ one, unfair as it may seem. Try avoiding this by finding healthier ways to deal with your anger.”
12 Emptying the bank accounts
This is another low blow that isn’t worth it, according to Friedmutter. “Your partner went low, but that doesn’t mean you need to react to the moment in the same manner,” she explains. “Matching behavior by trying to hurt the other financially will have to be rectified later.”
13 Making major life decisions
Lyons notes that it’s important to treat infidelity like any other traumatic situation. “Many of the responses we have to cheating—hyper-vigilance, racing heart, difficulty eating, and sleeping, etc.—look just like the responses of those who have experienced more widely recognized traumas,” she explains.
And since trauma has such a profound effect on the brain, Lyons advises against making important decisions shortly after discovering a partner has cheated. “During trauma, our brains go into survival mode. When our brains are focused on survival, our prefrontal cortex is turned off. decision-making is guided by our prefrontal cortex,” Lyons says. “Wait on any major decisions until your nervous system has had time to relax and you’ve had time to get support from people who care about you.”
Eventually, you and your partner will have to talk about what happened—and delaying the inevitable too long doesn’t do you any favors. “Avoiding the confrontation or hiding at your mother’s house only prolongs the inevitable—so man- or woman-up,” Friedmutter says. “While this will be the most awkward of all moments, the sooner you face it, the sooner it’s over.”
15 Dismissing your feelings
When you find out your partner has betrayed your trust, it’s natural to wonder if you could have done something differently. It’s natural to wonder a whole host of things, actually—and it’s important that you do. “It takes time to process how you feel, and you may experience a rollercoaster of emotions. Allow yourself to feel how you feel and for as long as you need to feel it,” Jackson says. “Do not simply brush your feelings under the rug and continue life as usual. These unaddressed emotions will come out in maladaptive ways later.”
16 Letting others dictate if you stay or leave
You may eventually decide to tell a small group of people—a trusted friend or a close family member, for example—about your partner’s infidelity. But take the time to decide if you really want to let others in on what’s going on.
“When someone cheats in a relationship and others know about it, a wealth of emotions can transpire within you and them,” Jackson explains. “You should try and take time to yourself to decide what you want to do without thinking about how others will handle your decision.”
17 Avoiding therapy
“It is an awful and jarring experience to find out that your partner has been cheating,” says Tzlil Hertzberg, LMHC, a sex therapist at MyTherapist New York. That’s why, she recommends therapy.
“In therapy, we process our reactions when difficult things happen—ascribing to the view that you should accept yourself no matter what. We work on how to handle it when our partner disappoints us, but we also bring to light the demands we have put on him/her.”
You want to know how to confront your cheating spouse.
If you’re reading this, I’m sorry.
Being cheated on is maybe one of the most difficult things anyone can go through. You feel betrayed, angry, sad… maybe even worthless and depressed. But as bad as things feel right now, just know that this isn’t your fault – there are almost no good reasons to cheat in a marriage.
But now you’re lost and confused and you don’t know how to approach this situation. I’m going to tell you how to find out the truth and call them out.
Confronting a Cheating Spouse
I wish there was an easy answer to this question, but unfortunately, there really isn’t. I’d love to come up with a simple 3-step solution like I usually do, but with something as difficult and complex as this, there really is no exact blueprint.
Is your spouse really cheating?
But first things first… before moving forward on confronting your spouse, you need to be almost 100% sure that they are actually cheating. I know that doing this is really difficult, and again, there are no easy answers.
But what you DEFINITELY do not want to do is do anything that would invade your spouse’s privacy. So no hacking into their phones or email, no following them around, and no calling their friends to make sure they are where they say they are.
This kind of behaviour is not honest, and honesty is key to maintaining a happy marriage.
A marriage should be fundamentally built on trust – and if you get caught trying to snoop around in your spouse’s life, this trust will be broken and you will have an entirely different issue on your hands.
In order for you to be as sure as you can… here are some things to look for that will help you first find out if your spouse is in fact cheating.
1.) Has your relationship declined?
Have you noticed that your spouse becoming more distant? Are they more apt to start fights? How’s your sex life? How often do you spend one on one time together?
If you’ve noticed any of this change, it may be an indicator that your spouse might be interested in someone else.
2.) Have you observed any unusual behaviour?
One of the most telling signs that your spouse is cheating on you is how they treat their phone.
Have you noticed them fleeing to another room to answer phone calls?
Are they very secretive when it comes to texting?
When you ask them to use his or her phone, do they act strange?
If they’re freaking out about their privacy surrounding their phone, this could be a strong indicator that they may be unfaithful to you (or at least talking to someone that they shouldn’t be talking to).
3.) Watch your finances.
Has your spouse been spending a lot of money on something? If so, ask them about it.
It’s not rude or wrong to ask why your spouse has been spending so much lately. If their reasons for spending more seems off, this could be another indicator that they’re cheating.
4.) If your spouse isn’t with you, ask them where they are.
Again, it’s not rude to want to know where your spouse is. Write down where they are and when and try and connect the dots… is that place even open? Are they coming up with the same excuses all the time?
You might unearth some strange patterns by asking them this simple question.
WARNING: Even if these four conditions are satisfied, it doesn’t mean they are for sure cheating on you. But confirming that your spouse is behaving in a peculiar way is the first step to learning more about their potential infidelities.
Of course, there are other, more drastic ways to find out if your spouse is cheating. It’s not uncommon to hire a private investigator, but again, it’s tough to recommend.
This can be a huge betrayal whether or not they are cheating. If you’re feeling desperate, then this is a potential option to explore.
What’s your next step?
Now if you’re absolutely sure that your spouse is cheating on you (or you’re as sure as you can be), now comes the very difficult question of what to do about it. But before we get into it, we have to suss out your goals here first.
If you DO find out that your spouse is indeed cheating, do you intend to stay with him or her?
Would you leave the marriage?
Are you 100% certain that whatever you decide to do is the correct course of action?
to evaluate your current situation and find out whether you’ll be able to fix your marriage.
If you’re still reading then I’m going to assume that you’re wanting to confront your spouse about the cheating in such a way won’t burn any bridges… so that’s exactly what I’ll teach you today.
Before You Confront Your Cheating Spouse
Now, I know this is going to be difficult, but first things first, I recommend that need to approach this with a calm mindset. I know, this is easier said than done. But you need to know that your spouse, when confronted, will act angry, defensive, and emotional at first.
They will probably lie, deny the infidelity, and tell you that you’re being crazy. And you have to be ready for this reaction and respond without escalating the situation. Try following my tips to stop fighting with your spouse.
Instead, know exactly what you’re going to say before entering the conversation, and expect a fiery response in turn. I also recommend talking in a non-accusatory tone of voice when speaking to your spouse.
As much evidence as you may have, there may always be a chance that there’s a misunderstanding. Give them a chance to prove you wrong.
Remember: all you want to know is the truth.
Don’t be overly aggressive, don’t yell, and don’t lash out and say anything that you’ll later regret. Do your best to keep your body language, voice, and emotions in check.
Catch them in a lie
But if you know your spouse is a good liar, it’s better to approach the situation in a more roundabout way. Right now, you have the upper hand. You know that something might be up. So instead of straight up accusing your spouse directly, try to ask questions to force them to lie about something.
Because once your spouse KNOWS that you’re on to them, they’re going to take extra steps to conceal their behaviour… and eventually if they’re sneaky enough, they’ll be able to cover their infidelity completely and you may never know the truth.
So instead of jumping in with two feet, it’s best to go about this strategically.
For example, if your spouse said that they were at the pub last night, and you have a sneaking suspicion that they weren’t, ask them which pub they went to.
Then say your best friend was also there all night long too. After, observe how your spouse reacts. Do they begin to panic? Or are they calm?
If you catch them in a lie, this is the time to calmly accuse them of cheating. But if you’re unsure, then continue probing them.
RELATED: How To Tell if Someone is Lying
Over a long period of time, you could also ask them the same questions over and over and see if they change their answers.
For example, if they’re staying long hours after work, keep asking them why they’re staying at the office late. And keep doing this once or twice a week and make note of what they say.
Liars tend to give long, drawn out explanations to conceal the truth. Often, their reasons and explanations may be inconsistent or flat out illogical. Over time, you’ll be able to build a stronger case before finally accusing them of cheating on you.
Finally, once you’ve built your case, calmly present them with the reasons why you know that they’re cheating.
Again, remember that they’re going to lash out in anger and deny everything. Instead of responding in kind, just show them the evidence. Once you both calm down, you can then talk to your spouse about why they cheated, and if it’s worth salvaging the relationship.
Make the hard choice
If your goal is to save your marriage, then the best way to recover and get over this ordeal is to ask all the questions you need to ask. You need to know why it happened and you need to calmly talk about how to prevent this from every happening to you again.
Of course, this may not be an option and you may very well indeed choose to end the marriage too. You need to decide for yourself if the marriage is worth saving or not.
Whatever you decide, think long and hard on what you want to do.
But I will say this: nobody deserves to be cheated on twice.
Again, there’s no sure-fire way to approach this situation, but the most important thing is that you find out the truth and move forward.
Brad Browning is widely regarded as the world’s most trusted breakup experts, boasting over 12 years of experience working with clients from around the world. Brad’s #1 best-selling breakup reversal guide, The Ex Factor, has helped more than 100,000 people from 131 countries to re-unite with an ex. Brad is also the author of Mend The Marriage, a comprehensive self-help guide that teaches married couples how to save their dying marriage and prevent divorce. Brad’s YouTube channel has over 300,000 subscribers and 40 million views, and he has been featured in a number of well-known media outlets and industry journals.