Sleep moaning, or catathrenia, is a relatively rare disorder that causes loud moaning in sleep. If you or your partner experiences this, it’s important to understand exactly what the disorder is, why it occurs, and what you can do to treat it.
- What Is Sleep Moaning?
- Is Sleep Moaning Different From Catathrenia?
- What Sleep Moaning Is Not
- What Causes Sleep Moaning?
- Can Sleep Moaning Be Harmful?
- Are There Any Medical Treatments for Sleep Moaning?
- Sound Blocking Tips
- Final Tips to Help You Sleep With Someone Who Moans in Their Sleep
- 1. The nipple orgasm
- 2. The clitoral orgasm
- 3. The G-spot orgasm
- 4. The anal orgasm
- 5. The U-spot orgasm
- 6. The A-spot orgasm
- 7. The vaginal orgasm
- The 11 Things Men Should Never (Ever) Do After Sex
- 1 Immediately fall asleep.
- 2 Turn on the TV.
- 3 Put sex toys away without cleaning them.
- 4 Give her the wet spot.
- 5 Immediately shower.
- 6 Be overly critical.
- 7 Divulge information she should have known before.
- 8 Ask her to leave.
- 9 Be physically distant.
- 10 Smoke.
- 11 Describe her facial expressions during orgasm.
- 1. Grow your facial hair
- 2. Let her get some more sleep
- 3. Take a break
- 4. Fill the car up
- 5. Be a bit vain
- 6. Make her laugh
- Can You Wake Someone Up With Sex? Here’s How To Do It Respectfully
- How To Wake Up Your Partner Sexually With Morning Sex
- Start Small And Feel Your Partner Out
- Sleep Commando
- Remind Them That It’s Healthy
- Let Them Know They’ll Be On Your Mind All Day
- Tracy Moore
- The Connection Between Sex and Sleep
- (Closed) Ugh- husband woke me up in middle of night for sex and it was gross
- Can you have sex with someone when they’re asleep?
What Is Sleep Moaning?
Sleep moaning is a form of parasomnia, a category of sleep disorders that includes abnormal movements, dreams and behaviors. It’s categorized by long, frequent moans or groans during sleep. These sounds last anywhere from a few seconds to a full minute, and they’re often followed by a snort or sigh. People with a severe sleep moaning disorder may make these sounds all night, but it’s most common during REM sleep.
Sleep moaning affects men more than women, and it has an average age of onset of 19 years. Because you’re asleep while the moaning happens, you won’t realize that it occurs. Therefore, it can take years to find out that you moan in your sleep. Most people don’t realize that they have this sleep disorder until a partner, roommate, or family member tells them.
Many people make noises occasionally in their sleep, and grunting or groaning once in a while doesn’t indicate a sleep disorder. People with a sleep moaning disorder moan so loudly and frequently that their partners usually have trouble sleeping through it.
Is Sleep Moaning Different From Catathrenia?
Catathrenia is the official name for sleep moaning, but both terms typically mean the same thing. While people without a sleep disorder may moan in their sleep occasionally, the term “sleep moaning” usually refers to the loud and prolonged sounds caused by the disorder.
What Sleep Moaning Is Not
Here is a list of sleep related disorders that are not classified as sleep moaning.
Snoring occurs when the tissues in the back of your mouth and throat collapse over your airway. As you breathe in, the tissues vibrate against each other, which creates the snoring sound. Sleep moaning is an issue with the vocal cords, not with the tissues in your mouth and throat. Also, snoring occurs when you inhale, but sleep moaning occurs when you exhale.
Sleep apnea is a disorder that causes your airway to close completely while you sleep, which prevents you from breathing. People with sleep apnea often snore and wake up frequently in the middle of the night, gasping for breath. These noises may sound similar to sleep moaning, but they’re two very different disorders. Like snoring, sleep apnea occurs when the tissues close up, not the vocal cords.
Sleep apnea can be a serious issue and can lead to other health problems. If there’s a chance that the sounds you make in your sleep are caused by sleep apnea, you should speak to your doctor about it.
Sleep talking is a very common occurrence for many people, but no connection between sleep talking and sleep moaning has ever been found. People who moan in their sleep may also sleep talk, but these are two entirely separate events.
Related to Dreamind
Some people speak, moan, or make other noises when they dream, but this is also unrelated to a sleep moaning disorder. People with the disorder moan loudly and frequently, but the noises people make when they dream are often much quieter and shorter. Researchers have not found any evidence that sleep moaning disorders are triggered by dreaming.
Stridor is high pitched, noisy breathing that may sound similar to sleep moaning. However, unlike most cases of sleep moaning, it occurs because of a narrow or obstructed airway. Stridor mostly affects children and can be a sign of a serious breathing disorder. If your child seems to have a sleep moaning problem, you should bring it up with their doctor.
Related to Epilepsy
Sleep moaning may sound similar to the sounds made during an epileptic seizure, but it’s not related to epilepsy in any way. People usually look calm, still, and peaceful during a sleep moaning episode, so the difference between sleep moaning and epilepsy should be obvious.
What Causes Sleep Moaning?
Sleep moaning has had less research and attention than other disorders, so the exact cause is unknown. Doctors have several ideas about possible causes, though. Some experts believe that certain medications that affect the vocal cords or the muscles in the throat could lead to moaning in sleep. Another popular explanation for sleep moaning is that the structures in the brain that control breathing are somehow damaged.
Others believe that people moan in their sleep because of the natural structure or function of their throat and vocal cords. Sometimes, the vocal cords partially close during REM sleep. When this happens, you have to forcefully exhale to push through the obstruction and keep breathing. This can create the long, loud moaning sound.
Sleep moaning may also be caused by an obstruction of the upper airway. However, the disorder is usually associated with a vocal cord issue, not with a blocked airway. Obstructions in the airways are more likely to cause snoring and sleep apnea than sleep moaning.
Can Sleep Moaning Be Harmful?
No harmful effects have been discovered yet, so sleep moaning is probably not physically dangerous. Doctors aren’t usually worried when their patients mention a sleep moaning problem unless they also have the signs or symptoms of a more serious sleep disorder.
Although sleep moaning doesn’t cause serious damage to your body, it may have some unpleasant side effects. Many people with a sleep moaning disorder have excessive daytime sleepiness because it may be difficult to achieve deep sleep when moaning and groaning all night. A sore throat in the morning is also common after nights where the groaning is especially severe.
Sleep moaning may be socially or emotionally harmful, too. Because moaning is seen as a sexual behavior, you may feel embarrassed when someone comments on it. It may keep your partner awake, which can cause tension in your relationship.
Are There Any Medical Treatments for Sleep Moaning?
Because sleep moaning doesn’t cause any long-term physical damage, most people don’t undergo treatment. However, if it affects the quality of sleep for you or your partner, there are some medical treatments available.
CPAP is the most common treatment for sleep moaning, and it’s effective for most people. In one study, CPAP successfully treated seven female patients with a sleep moaning disorder. A CPAP machine includes a hose and a mask that deliver constant pressure to your mouth and throat, which keeps your airway open.
Oral devices are another popular treatment. Some people with a sleep moaning disorder use a mandibular advancement device, which looks like a traditional mouth guard but holds the jaw slightly forward. This widens the airway and helps the vocal cords stay open while you sleep.
Sometimes, surgery can change the face and throat structure and open up the airway to stop sleep moaning. Since sleep moaning is typically not harmful, this is a very uncommon treatment.
Sound Blocking Tips
If your partner moans in their sleep, you may have difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep through the noise. You can try to block out the sound with a few different devices.
1. Use Sleep Earplugs
Any earplugs can be effective to block out sleep moaning, but you can buy pairs that are specially made for sleeping. Foam and wax earplugs tend to be the most helpful for blocking out loud noises. Look for pairs that have a noise reduction rating, or NRR, of at least 30. Generally, it’s better to spend a little extra money on a pair that’s durable and long-lasting than to have to replace a poor quality pair every week.
Some people find it uncomfortable to sleep with earplugs in. You’ll have to find the best size, shape, and material for your ears, which may take a few tries. However, if the earplugs fit properly into your ears, they should be easy to adjust to.
2. Use a Fan for White Noise
White noise is one of the best ways to block out sleep moaning or other loud noises. The sound is neutral and consistent, so it won’t prevent you from falling asleep, but it will drown out your partner’s groans and moans.
You can use a regular box fan to create white noise, or you can buy a fan that’s designed to produce lots of white noise to help you sleep.
3. Use a White Noise Machine
Instead of a fan, you can also use a white noise machine to cover up the sleep moaning. White noise machines usually cost between $25 and $50 and include multiple tracks, so you can find the specific sound that’s the most effective for you.
These machines can usually be louder than fans, and most are small enough that you can bring them with you when you and your partner travel.
4. Sleep Separately
If your partner has tried every sleep moaning treatment, and white noise or earplugs don’t work for you, sleeping separately is another option. This is usually a last resort, but it may be the most effective way for you and your partner to get enough sleep.
If you stay up all night because of your partner’s sleep moaning, you’ll likely feel exhausted and irritable in the morning. It’s easy to get frustrated with your partner for keeping you awake, even when you know that they can’t help it. Sleeping in separate rooms will help you feel better during the day and will relieve any tension in your relationship that has built up because of the sleep moaning.
Final Tips to Help You Sleep With Someone Who Moans in Their Sleep
Most people don’t realize that they have a sleep moaning disorder until someone else points it out. If your partner is in denial about their sleep moaning, try taking a video or audio while it happens. This will help them realize how loud and disruptive the noise is.
It’s easy to get frustrated with your partner for keeping you awake, but it’s important to remember that their sleep moaning is not intentional. Your partner is probably embarrassed about the problem, so gently encouraging them to undergo treatment will be more effective than getting upset with them.
Sleep moaning usually isn’t dangerous, but there are treatments available. You and your partner both deserve to get quality sleep every night, so if you are moaning in sleep make sure you address the issue seriously.
Catathrenia or nocturnal groaning was first reported by Belgium scientists, De Roek and colleagues in 1983. But despite being recently introduced into the International Classification of Sleep Disorders as a parasomnia, it is still a relatively rare condition with actual incidence and prevalence still unknown. The name Catathrenia is derived from the Greek word kata = below, and threnia = to lament.
Catathrenia is described as sleep related groaning, moaning or just ‘making funny noises’. It is characterised by repeated episodes of monotonous moaning or groaning sounds in prolonged expiration, preceded by deep inspiration. These episodes last between 2 – 50 seconds and end with a sigh or arousal. There has been no known health consequences reported which is why it is considered to be a social rather than a medical problem. However, this condition often presents with a morose or sexual connotation that can cause a social problem for some patients.
What causes this nocturnal cacophony?
The etiology of Catathrenia is still unclear. Several mechanisms have been proposed, from upper airways obstruction during expiration to impairment of the respiratory centre.
- Partial closure of the vocal chords in REM sleep and reactive forced expiration to overcome this resistance.
- Critical narrowing of peripheral airways during expiration in REM sleep.
- Functional and/or anatomical lesions involving neurological structures that control ventilation.
Respiratory dysfunction can lead to prolonged exhalation and an increase in intrathoracic pressure due to lack of expiratory muscle activity. This gives rise to the typical pattern of deep inhalation followed by prolonged exhalation. However, it does not explain the groaning/moaning sounds. It is thought that the sounds may occur due to partial glottic (part of the larynx associated with voice production) closure. This has led some authors to believe catathrenia is a sleep related breathing disorder (SDB) rather than a parasomnia.
What happens during Catathrenia?
The episodes of groaning tend to occur in clusters mainly during the sleep stage of Rapid Eye Movement (REM), although sporadic occurrence in Non-REM sleep has been noted (mainly Stage II). An increase in groaning episodes is often noted during the latter part of the night. This may be explained by the normal sleep cycle of increasing REM sleep towards the end of the night.
The presence of arousal depends on the duration of the groaning. Long duration of groaning is more likely to end in arousal than those of short duration. A number of studies estimate that nearly three quarters of groaning episodes are associated with arousal. Groaning episodes occur with slightly decreased heart rate and blood pressure and changes in respiratory rhythm. Even when episodes last for 50 seconds there is no oxygen desaturation and there is no snoring. The nocturnal groaning is quite distinct from expiratory snoring. This close connection between groaning and arousals raises the question of whether the respiratory change leads to the arousal or whether the arousal itself sets off the groaning.
Due to frequent arousals during the night it might be thought that patients would suffer Excessive Daytime Sleepiness (EDS), unrefreshing sleep and fatigue, but it seems that not all of them do. In some studies 50-80% of patients demonstrated abnormal Epworth Sleepiness Scores (ESS) whilst patients in other studies had completely normal ESS scores.
Onset of Catathrenia is usually during adolescence or early adulthood and affected individuals are often unaware of their condition until noted by a bed partner or family member.
Interestingly, one small study of women found that 43% of them had a history of another parasomnia during childhood such as sleepwalking, sleep terrors and childhood enurisis (bed wetting). All the women in this study were found to have craniofacial abnormalities such as a narrow upper airway, large tongue and small jaw. Video recordings noted that the mouth was always partially open during the expiratory phase and nasal cannula recordings demonstrated substantial nasal flow limitation. The groaning noise was remarkably loud and appeared to be strained. The authors of the study speculated that the groaning was an adaptive behaviour to enhance normal breathing. Once again, this raises the question as to whether this is a respiratory disorder rather than a parasomnia.
Not to be confused with Central Sleep Apnoea (CSA)
As both these conditions are relatively rare catathrenia can easily be mis-scored or mistakenly recognised as CSA. Tracings from PSG (Polysomnography – overnight sleep study), can appear as central sleep apnoeas due to the long cessation of air flow and breathing effort seen in both conditions. However, in contrast to CSA, where the apnoeic pause is preceded by an exhalation, in cathathrenia the breath before the apnoea is a large inhalation. Additionally, activity in the snoring channel during these apnoeic events will indicate sound production and therefore establish that catathrenia is present as opposed to CSA.
Who is most likely to be a nocturnal groaner?
Catathrenia seems to be three times more frequent in men than women with the average onset at around 19 years. Although a family history of catathrenia and other sleep disorders has been documented the evidence to date is inconsistent. However, most researchers have found familial sleep disorders such as bruxism, sleep walking, sleep talking and night terrors to be prevalent in more than half of their subjects.
Is there a treatment for Catathrenia?
Distress from the social impact of catathrenia rather than health consequences is usually the primary motivation for seeking treatment. This is especially the case where the loud groaning has a conspicuous sexual connotation which is observed by other family members.
Many anti-depressants and the new ‘Z’ drugs (commonly used for insomnia) have been tried but in most patients have been unsuccessful. Similarly, upper airway surgical procedures have been used without success.
Continuous Positive Airways Pressure (CPAP) is successful in resolving the nocturnal groaning in most cases despite there being no evidence that Obstructive Sleep Apnoea (OSA) is present. The presence of both conditions occurring together would probably be coincidence rather than a causal relationship.
Despite improvements in their condition, patients in one study found that CPAP was the cause of a new sleep disturbance. The nightly disturbance and inconvenience of the treatment led them to seek alternatives.
In the case of patients with craniofacial abnormalities a Mandibular Advancement Device (MAD) was shown to be effective.
DID you dream it, or did that REALLY happen?
Many people will wake up having played out a sexual fantasy in their dreams.
7 It really is possible for women to enjoy an orgasm in their sleep…and more than one in three will climax while in the land of nodCredit: Getty – Contributor
It’s well known that boys going through puberty will often experience “wet dreams”, but did you know it can happen to women too?
Scientists believe around 37 per cent of women have enjoyed an orgasm while being fast asleep.
The Kinsey report reveals that the phenomenon becomes more common as women get older.
Jade, 24, told broadly, she tends to experience it when she’s suffering a sex drought.
7 While sleep orgasms are out of your control, there are seven types of orgasm that blokes can treat their partners toCredit: Getty – Contributor
“It’s a bit like a present from your brain,” she said. “I sometimes get so bored of not having sex that I lose interest in masturbating, and my brain reminds me that yep, I can still orgasm.”
Sleep orgasms start with a sexy dream, experts say.
It causes an increase of blood flow to your lady bits, and that combined with the total relaxation that comes with being fast asleep, allows your body to reach climax with no added help.
But while sleep orgasms are out of your control, there are seven different types that blokes can treat their partners to. Here sexpert Dr Pam Spurr reveals how to drive your lover wild…
1. The nipple orgasm
Nipples can be extremely sensitive.
And with nerves running throughout our bodies, when they’re stimulated, many women get tingles right down between their legs.
7 Ask your partner to try the ‘swirl and poke’ kissing technique on your nipplesCredit: Getty – Contributor
For some women this leads to full orgasmic pleasure.
Ask your partner to try the ‘swirl and poke’ kissing technique on your nipples.
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He gently swirls his tongue around them, followed by gently poking them.
Alternating these sensations feels fabulous.
Relax and see if you experience tingles through your clitoral and vaginal zones.
2. The clitoral orgasm
7 The clitoris is one of the most well known orgasm zonesCredit: Getty – Contributor
Many sexologists argue that women can only climax when they’ve had adequate clitoral stimulation.
This may be true for the majority of women, so get sex-perimenting.
Ask your partner to try the ‘over the bridge’ technique.
He gently runs his fingertips back and forth over your clitoral zone.
Some women get so aroused with this semi-direct stimulation that they climax.
For clitoral stimulation during full penetration, try the CAT – clitoral alignment technique.
You’re on top of him but shimmy a centimetre or two up so that your clitoris is aligned with his pubic bone.
This gives it fantastic stimulation during thrusting.
3. The G-spot orgasm
7 The G-spot is located on the front, central, wall of the vaginaCredit: Getty – Contributor
Major research out recently found no evidence for the G-spot.
Don’t let that stop you discovering whether you find stimulation of this zone exciting.
It’s located on the front, central, wall of the vagina.
So he can try the ‘come here’ technique – slipping his index finger inside your vagina, to stroke that area in a ‘come here’ fashion.
Or during foreplay try one of the many G-spot vibrators that are available, for some thrilling sensations.
4. The anal orgasm
Some women will be instantly turned off thinking about anal stimulation.
Others get intense pleasure, even orgasms from it.
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Not only due to the nerve endings in the anal passage getting stimulated, but that stimulation also sets off stimulation in the vagina.
Experiment with gentle touching and penetration with anal vibrators.
Those vibrations permeate through the pelvic floor, sending tingles through the vagina.
Or you might get turned on by the intense intimacy of him giving anal pleasure with his fingers or tongue.
Always use safer sex techniques like placing strong cling film or a dental dam over the anal passage before he uses his tongue.
5. The U-spot orgasm
7 Stimulating the U-spot can lead to ‘female ejaculation’Credit: Getty – Contributor
Some women find the area at the opening of the vagina, around the urethra opening, highly sensitive.
This can lead to ‘female ejaculation’ or squirting or gushing, as it’s known.
This is where stimulation leads the bladder to empty, or extra vaginal lubrication, to gush out during climax.
With lots of lubricant on his fingertips he can gently touch around this area (under the clitoris) to gauge your reaction.
Have him try the ‘drumming’ technique where he very gently drums his fingertips on and around this area. A little bit of oh-oh heaven for some women.
6. The A-spot orgasm
The A-spot is located at the top, front wall of the vagina.
Some women love deep penetration to access this area and get highly aroused.
The perfect way to discover if A-spot stimulation is your thing is with the doggy style position.
You’re on your hands and knees, he kneels behind you.
His thrusting stimulates that upper, front wall, deep in your vagina.
7. The vaginal orgasm
7 There are many ways you can reach an orgasm through vaginal stimulationCredit: Getty – Contributor 1 in 3 women can orgasm just by touching this part of the body – and it’s NOT down there
Most women love vaginal stimulation but feel they can’t climax unless their clitoris is stimulated at the same time.
Try experimenting with vaginal sex-citement.
In Missionary position have him push up on his hands so his chest is raised on yours.
Now he can control his thrusting so ask him to thrust only halfway into you.
Also ask him to circle with his hips, almost a stirring action midway inside you.
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These teasing sensations can drive you crazy and might bring you to full on orgasmic sensations.
Crucially, don’t put yourself under pressure, or be self-critical, if you have your own unique way of climaxing.
You may enjoy foreplay with your partner but can only bring yourself to climax. You might find you only climax through oral sex.
Whatever works for you is what counts when it comes to the bedroom.
Holly Willoughby gobsmacked at orgasm tips on This Morning
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The 11 Things Men Should Never (Ever) Do After Sex
There’s oodles of information about what we can do to increase the chances of sex happening, and countless more advice columns and help articles about how best to comport ourselves during the act itself. Interestingly, though, there’s not much serviceable information about what guys ought to do after sex. That’s why we did some digging, spoke to a number of sex educators and therapists, and got a handle on exactly what we should be doing in sex’s sticky aftermath—and what we shouldn’t.
What you’ll find below is a cheat sheet on what not to do after sex. Being familiar with these post-coital no-nos can often be a deciding factor on whether you rise or fall in your partner’s esteem, and maybe your own as well. And while you’re in the self-improvement mindset, make sure you know the 5 Things Smart Men Never Say to a Naked Woman.
1 Immediately fall asleep.
A lot of men are familiar with the urge to zonk out after their orgasm. Speaking to Huffington Post co-founder Arianna Huffington, Best Life’s own Dave Zinczenko—author of Men, Love and Sex: The Complete User Guide For Women—quipped: “Men go to sleep because women don’t turn into a pizza.”
In all seriousness, though, there are a few reasons dudes want to hit the hay immediately after sex: It often takes place around bedtime, we’re already in bed, it’s likely that we’ve exerted ourselves physically, and so on. Orgasm also releases a cocktail of chemicals that often work like a mega dose of Nyquil. Your best move, though, is to resist the urge to drop off until you’ve considered all the other items on this list. But if you’re looking for the exact chemical explanation, check out Why Men Fall Asleep After Sex (and Women Don’t).
2 Turn on the TV.
In our recent article, we talk about being present during the act of sex. Unsurprisingly, it turns out that being present in the afterglow is just as important. “Turning on the TV or picking up your phone will leave her feeling abandoned and make her feel unimportant to you,” says Certified Sex Therapist and Advanced Imago Relationship Therapist Deborah Fox. “By having sex with you, a woman has made herself vulnerable. If you disconnect, you’ll leave her feeling unsafe and insecure.” Checking Facebook one last time before you fall asleep really isn’t worth that, so don’t it. (But if you have a spare moment right now, you might be interested to know the 11 signs Mark Zuckerberg is definitely running for president.)
3 Put sex toys away without cleaning them.
Several studies have looked at the ability of bacteria and viruses like Human Papilloma Virus (HPV) to hang out on sex toys if they’re not cleaned properly. Falling asleep before you clean any sex toys you’ve used increases the likelihood of one or both of you getting an infection that requires a trip to your doctor’s office, taking sex off the table for a while. Quality sex toys come with detailed, item-specific care instructions; make sure you know what they are so you can play safe to play more.
4 Give her the wet spot.
Sex can—and some say should—be a wet and wild experience. But a common consequence of no-holds-barred sex is often a puddle of juices that can be rather uncomfortable to lie in—and not taking your partner’s comfort into consideration after sex is a definite no-no. “This is just gross, uncomfortable, and rude,” says Certified Sex Therapist and Certified Sexuality Educator Kristen Lilla LCSW. “If you don’t want the wet spot either, offer to change the sheets or lay a blanket down.” If you and your partner tend to have juicy sex, consider investing in an absorbent sex blanket like the Fascinator Throw by Liberator and put it down before you get down. And if you’re in that category, you should definitely know The 6 Best Foods for Smelling (and Tasting) Like a Million Bucks.
5 Immediately shower.
As previously mentioned, sex can be a sweaty, gooey, and sometimes fragrant activity. (Indeed, that’s what a lot of people like about it!) Some folks don’t enjoy that aspect of sex, however, and scurry off to the bathroom to wash up immediately after they’re done. There are actually some very good reasons to wash up after sex, but you shouldn’t be in too much of a hurry to do it. “You don’t want to give her the message that you’re washing her off,” says Florida-based sex therapist Constance DelGiudice Ed.D, LMHC. “Linger for awhile. Give her a clear message that you love all of her and you’re not in a rush to wash it all away.” (Unless she prefers the quick clean-off, that is.)
6 Be overly critical.
Sex usually means being naked. Literally naked, meaning without clothing, and figuratively naked, meaning without pretense or artifice. That means that being critical during this time is probably not a great idea. “After an endorphin rush and a release of oxytocin, people typically feel vulnerable,” says Lilla. “Being critical while someone is naked in bed is going to not only be hurtful, but may make them less open to new sexual experiences with you. If you really need to offer feedback, wait until the next day when the chemicals are back to baseline and you are both fully clothed.”
7 Divulge information she should have known before.
If you have a suspected STI, have had sex with another partner, bet your joint savings on a Conor McGregor win, or any similarly significant piece of information, withholding it until after you’ve had sex is a serious no-no. “Nothing says awkward by dropping a bomb after the fact,” says Lilla. “Depending on the information you’re divulging, your partner may also feel betrayed and angry. Be respectful and open up so your partner can make an informed decision about whether or not they want to have sex with you, just like you got to make the same informed decision.”
And while we’re on the subject of transparency…
8 Ask her to leave.
Maybe you have a perfectly good reason why you can’t host a sleepover. Perhaps you have an early start the next morning, or maybe sharing your bed is not conducive to a good night’s sleep for you right now. That’s totally legit. What’s not cool, however, is informing your partner that a sleepover is not the cards only after you’ve had sex. One woman we spoke with told us that she would have been fine with her partner telling her that she wouldn’t be able to stay the night ahead of the drunken sex session they had—but he didn’t.
“He woke me up after I’d been asleep for 90 minutes and told me I had to go before his roommates woke up,” she said. “Both drunk and hungover, I had to take a rush hour subway ride in smudged makeup and evening-wear. It’s not what I had expected and that sucked.” If you aren’t up for spending the entire night together, manage expectations and tell her what’s going on with you.
9 Be physically distant.
After sex, our bodies and brains are flooded with feel-good hormones that promote bonding between people. If you keep a physical distance from your partner after sex, it likely won’t go unnoticed. “Staying connected is very important to a woman,” says Deborah Fox. “If you don’t touch, cuddle, say complimentary things to her, she’s likely to withdraw. Sex isn’t an event for her that ends in orgasm.” So it shouldn’t be for you either.
Smoking is demonstrably a bad idea at any time, but after sex is perhaps the worst occasion to spark up. I mean, ending an intimate sex session by giving yourself dog breath, and then having to use a used condom as a makeshift ashtray? Not nearly as sexy as decades of cinematic depictions would have us believe. What’s more, habitual smoking is strongly linked to erectile dysfunction, and exacerbates snoring, too.
11 Describe her facial expressions during orgasm.
In all honestly, we hadn’t considered this one, but according to DelGiudice, many men take it upon themselves to relay what, exactly, they witnessed during one of the most raw and vulnerable moments in the human experience. Which is not a good idea, because, well, “Women want to lose themselves during sex,” says DelGiudice. “The last thing they want is someone giving them a blow-by-blow description of their most intimate moments. I’ve heard women say, ‘I feel like a science project, and I hate it’ or ‘It makes me self-conscious’.”
There’s no reason at all why you should want to make the person you just had sex with feel bad about themselves—don’t be that jerk. Instead, be her hero by knowing the 5 Easy Ways to Make Sex Last (Much) Longer.
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WHEN it comes to getting down to it in the bedroom, it’s not always easy for women to be in the mood – with 50% reporting sexual problems like lack of libido or inability to orgasm.
So if you’re looking for ways to increase your other half’s sexual desire, it could be time to think outside the box with one of these techniques.
3 Growing facial hair is an easy way to turn your girl on, according to scienceCredit: Getty Images
From growing your facial hair to letting her get a good night’s sleep, here are some techniques you probably haven’t heard of.
1. Grow your facial hair
If you’re looking to boost your bedroom antics, it could be worth forgoing the morning shave for a few days and growing some stubble.
Recent research published in the journal of Evolution of Human behaviour found that 10-day stubble was deemed the sexiest amount of facial hair.
3 Getting more sleep, the smell of petrol and a good joke are also great ways of turning your girl onCredit: Getty Images
2. Let her get some more sleep
No one is in the mood for anything much if they’re knackered, so letting your girl get some much needed shut-eye could be the key to boosting your sex lives.
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According to research by the University of Michigan, who tracked 171 ladies’ sleeping patterns for two weeks, those who had more sleep reported feeling more aroused the next day.
In fact, ladies who were in relationships and got an extra hour or sleep were 14% more likely to have sex the next day.
So an early night or two could do wonders for your relationship.
3. Take a break
Sometimes a little distance is helpful if you’re in a bit of a rut – as scientists recently found that absence can actually make the heart grow fonder.
A study published in the Journal of Sex and Martial Therapy compared 717 people who had long distance relationships to 425 couples who lived near each other.
Researchers at Queen’s University in Ontario and the University of Utah found that the, “greater distance apart actually predicted more intimacy, communication and satisfaction in the relationship.”
So it could be time to book a weekend away!
4. Fill the car up
Sounds strange, but a survey by Daz laundry detergent showed that British ladies were turned on by the smell of petrol – so it could be time to get yourself down to the garage.
Other smells that had a similar effect included leather, paint and printer ink.
5. Be a bit vain
Yep, it’s true, ladies apparently do want a man who’s a bit vain and self-absorbed.
That is according to a speed-dating survey from the University of Graz in Australia, who found that the most self obsessed guys had the most sexual partners.
The researchers also found that guys with a “dark triad” of personality traits including narcissism, Machiavellianism and psychopathy had sex more often.
3 They sound unusual, but there are ways to turn on a girl without even touching herCredit: Getty Images
6. Make her laugh
Better get practising your best jokes, because making a girl laugh is a sure-fired way to turn her on, according to studies.
A French one found that men who told a joke to another man were far more likely to get the phone numbers of women who had overheard the joke.
Recently, it was revealed that having regular sex could help you get a promotion at work, while women confessed to being happy in a relationship despite losing their libido and never having sex.
Can You Wake Someone Up With Sex? Here’s How To Do It Respectfully
I’ve always wondered what it would be like to wake a partner up with oral sex. It seems like a fun way to help them start the day on a great note. What’s stopped me from doing this, though, is the question: Can you wake a partner up with sex consensually? If they’re asleep, how can you be sure they’re consenting?
“As with intoxication, it’s really important to talk ahead of time about your preferences and boundaries regarding sleep sex, and those preferences and boundaries might be different with different partners,” Good Vibrations staff sexologist Carol Queen, PhD tells Bustle. “Obviously, getting consent while someone is asleep (or intoxicated) lies on the ‘highly problematic to impossible’ spectrum. Being awakened by sex is hot for some people, under some circumstances; for others, it’s essentially rape.”
So, waking your partner up with sex may not even be within the realm of what they’re comfortable with, and if they’re not, you have to respect that. If they are open to the idea (or you’d like them to do it), you have to carefully plan how it’s going to happen so that nobody feels violated. Here’s how to wake a partner up with sex in a way that respects their boundaries.
Ask Them In Advance
Queen recommends making sleep sex part of a larger conversation about where your sexual boundaries are. While you’re gaging your partner’s comfort with BDSM or role-playing, for example, ask them how they’d feel about you initiating sexual activity with them while they’re sleeping. “There are all kinds of reasons why some people love this,” says Queen. “It’s part of the ‘we are so turned on to each other we can’t even sleep through the night’ scenario (but if only one of you is really that turned on, red flag!). There can be a domination/submission element or ‘swept away’ fantasy to it as well.”
Check In Again The Night Before
Andrew Zaeh for Bustle
Just because someone’s on board with potentially trying a sexual activity at some undetermined point in the future doesn’t mean they’re OK with doing it tomorrow. So, Queen suggests also checking in the night before to see if your partner would be open to being woken up with sex the next morning (or in the middle of the night) unless your partner explicitly states that it’s OK to do any time.
If The Answer Is “No,” Respect That
Andrew Zaeh for Bustle
“A person may not wish to be awakened by intimate contact because they want to run jump in the shower before sex starts; it really hurts when their bladder is disturbed before peeing; they feel out of control of safer sex issues until they’re awake; it’s frightening to be awakened like this; they just hate it when someone wakes them up; they were DTF the night before but they’re not into you that way at dawn,” says Queen.
If The Answer Is “Yes” But They Change Their Minds, Respect That
Andrew Zaeh for Bustle
If someone agrees in advance to be woken up with sex, they can still change their minds after you start doing it. Let them know the night before that they can stop you if they want, and if they do, obviously listen. “This would be true of all agreements and negotiations,” says Queen. “Consent can be revoked if circumstances change and you state that you no longer want to do the sex thing in question.”
So, if you share my fantasy of waking your partner up with a sexy surprise, bring it up with your partner. It is possible to do it in a way that respects their boundaries. Just make sure you talk it through in detail so everyone understands what is and isn’t OK — which is really what you should be doing with any sexual act anyway.
How To Wake Up Your Partner Sexually With Morning Sex
I’ve never opened my eyes and taken a “woke up like dis” selfie, but I’m moderately certain that I look like Steve Bannon after a good seven hours of shoving my face into my pillow. For me, the joy of morning sex is rivaled by the fear of being the grossest girl in all the land. What if I start figuring out how to wake up my partner sexually only to get a “no thanks, your hair is reminding me of a dust ball right now”?
Well, I’d probably need an extra therapy session that week, but here’s the thing: That scenario is not going to happen. First of all, no one is that brutally honest. Additionally, logic would say that if a person is already in bed with you, had sex with you within the previous 24 hours, and stayed until morning, they’re probably going to give you a hard “yes” to doing it again.
To assuage my paranoia (and yours, too), I spoke to clinical sexologist Dr. Dawn Michael for some advice on how to initiate morning sex with a partner.
Start Small And Feel Your Partner Out
That’s right, I just made a double entendre. While it’s more likely that you are going to get a “yes please” to a sexual proposition than you are to have a traffic-less commute on any given morning, consent is important. Your partner may decide they just are not in the mood, and that’s their right because you are a good person who is not interested in rape.
Dr. Michael says that if you want to put on the moves, the best thing to do is start with small touches: “Reach over and touch your partner, snuggle up to them and kiss the back of their neck or rub the small of their back.” This seems very doable, even for lily livers like me. Also, I trust doctors. Start small. If your partner winces away, try again next time. If they lean in, grab a condom. (#safetyfirst)
This is also super simple. After all, if you wake up naked, you’re one step closer to consummation than had you woken up in your old college T-shirt and weird, hole-ridden shorts. (Because let’s be real, I own a Mad Men-esque nightie and I’ve worn it a total of zero times.)
“When I suggest morning sex to clients, I will also add in sleeping in the nude,” explains Dr. Michael. “It is very sexy to wake up in the morning touching your naked skin with your partner’s naked skin.”
Honestly, I’m a little aroused just thinking about naked morning skin touching. Nakie-sleeping is a great way to suggest morning sex to your partner with very little effort.
Remind Them That It’s Healthy
Forget a glass of water with lemon first thing — tell your partner the new health trend is morning sex, and see if they oblige.
Maybe your partner is equally-matted down in the hair department and needs a thorough shower before a long day at work. As they grumble and begin to shoo you away, remind them that having sex before work is actually healthy for you. It’s also just a really great time to have quality sex, and who doesn’t want quality sex?
“A man’s testosterone levels are highest in the morning and then decrease as the day continues,” explains Dr. Michael. Even if there is no testosterone in your particular partnership, both people may be tired at the end of the day, which can create a lack of desire to do it then.
“Roll over and take advantage of the closeness that is already there, and release all of the hormones that come from an orgasm and let it make for a great start of the day,” says Dr. Michael. She also says evening sex is overrated — again, a doctor, ladies. Talk about wellness.
Let Them Know They’ll Be On Your Mind All Day
Another perk to morning sex is that you’ll be on your partner’s mind all day, and they’ll be on yours. This may seem manipulative, but why not initiate morning sex by asking your boo, “Do you want me to think about you all day?”
” leaves both people feeling good, enjoying the closeness and pleasures of sex,” explains Dr. Michael. It’s a secret, magical moment you both took part in that no one else has to know about. In the ever-applicable words of Paris Hilton, “That’s hot.”
So between your naked body in the flesh, a little touching, and some helpful reminders that sex is healthy, hopefully you are feeling a little more confident asking your partner about getting it on at dawn.
If all of the above fail, just “accidentally” throw some porn on your iPhone and see what happens. Just sayin’.
Check out the “Best of Elite Daily” stream in the Bustle App for more stories just like this!
You knew you could sleepwalk. Did you know you can also sleep-grope—and even sleep-fuck? And can you imagine having a partner who gets explosively horny in their sleep and tries to ravish your sleeping body?
That type of bedroom quirk may sound more exciting than snoring or stealing the covers. But a couple of new Reddit threads on r/sex demonstrate how sexsomnia, the term for initiating all sorts of sex acts during sleep, can be either welcome and enjoyable or nightmarishly awful — but always very weird.
In the first post, titled “My boyfriend sleep-gropes,” we hear from a woman who says her normally shy boyfriend of a couple years began routinely groping her in the middle of the night a few months into their relationship. He did so by rolling over, grabbing at her and telling her, “Baby, you’re so beautiful, I fuckin’ love your body, you’re so sexy, mmm c’mere baby I just want to fuck you so bad, I just want to cuddle.” Sometimes she’d turn him down and sometimes they’d have sex, but either way, she says, he never remembers.
She says she eventually confronted him about it, and he explained that during these episodes, it felt like a dream to him. Even though she finds it strange and wants to understand the reasons behind it, she ultimately concludes it’s a sign of his interest, love and attraction — “quite cute, really.”
Sleep-Groping Isn’t Always Romantic
As you can imagine, a surprise sleep seduction might often not be welcome.
In a response post, a 29-year-old male says his relationship ended over his tendency to initiate sex in the middle of the night with his girlfriend. At first, he says he warned his girlfriend up front that he’d done this sort of thing before. Disturbed — and also because she said it triggered her past experience with sexual assault — she broke it off with him, but they soon began seeing each other again after she worked through her anxiety. He couldn’t curb his impulse, and it was the beginning of the end:
While I was asleep and trying to initiate sex I grabbed and pulled her wrist in a violent way. Often times my episodes happen as I’m coming out of sleep so I’m aware of the last several seconds of it. As it happened I couldn’t believe it. It’s not me. It’s not the kind of person I am. I would never hurt someone like that. The look of fear and sadness in her eyes still haunts me. She had a tough time believing me and that I wasn’t in control when these things occurred. Over the next couple of weeks we tried to work it out. She eventually believed me that my episodes were real and that I never wanted to hurt her but the anxiety from her past couldn’t allow her to love me anymore. Her body shut down around me. I could tell by the way she grew distant that things were ending. It was devastating. I loved her.
But It Doesn’t Mean You’re a Total Creep, Either
Sexsomnia isn’t wildly pervasive. One sleep clinic reported that only 7.6 percent of their patients had reported such an episode. It’s three times more likely in men than women. The clinic noted that because these were patients already being treated for other sleep disorders, the real prevalence of the condition is likely to be lower in the general population.
For those who experience it, it’s a bizarre acting-out that doesn’t always align with their typical behaviors, or even their typical waking sexual preferences, even when it’s okay with their partner.
Last year, a 31-year-old gay man wrote to Dan Savage to express concern about his sexsomnia. Even though his fiancé “finds it sexy,” the sexsomniac still wondered why he was trying to perform sexual acts he doesn’t typically seek out, like rimming and topping. Savage reached out to an expert who explained, more or less, that the behavior isn’t necessarily a reflection of “significant underlying psychiatric condition.” In other words, he’s not secretly a rape-y top who wants to eat ass.
Last year, we visited the idea of sexsomnia at MEL and found that it’s a relatively newly understood phenomenon, usually benign enough but potentially very dark:
Everyday Health spoke to Robert Oexman at the Sleep to Live Institute in Missouri, who explained that sexsomnia is like sleepwalking (it also happens during non-rapid-eye-movement sleep), but it’s a different parasomnia. While most of the acts involved in the disorder are relatively benign, it could at least theoretically involve sexual assault, Oexman notes. More troubling is the fact that the sexsomniac doesn’t remember what happened (a legal defense that has been used successfully more than once to get out of a rape charge, including by a man who molested his daughter).
“Most cases involve no recall and even a denial that the event occurred,” Russell Rosenberg of the National Sleep Foundation in Atlanta, told them. As for what causes it, he says nobody really knows, but risk factors include stress, drinking or doing drugs before going to bed (including sleeping pills), other sleep disorders like sleep apnea (sleep disorders also tend to run in families), or sleep deprivation. One study suggests it’s three times more common in men because it’s linked to sleep apnea, which men are also more likely to get.
There’s a Legal Gray Area for Rape and Assault Cases
But complicating all this is that other instances of sexsomnia are perceived as rape, insomuch as they are absolutely unwanted, nonconsensual and extremely disturbing sex acts.
Take this tale of Tom and Sarah over at the BBC: Sarah awakes to find boyfriend Tom trying to penetrate her in a crude, disturbing way. He has no recollection of the episode. But Sarah recalls that Tom had told her he spent seven years in jail for raping ex-girlfriend Karen in her sleep in the same way. Sarah convinces Tom to see a doctor and get expert help.
The BBC writes:
“His brainwaves in his sleep study show something very unusual,” says Dr Guy Leschziner, the consultant neurologist in charge of Tom’s case.
“He appears to be awake and deeply asleep at the same time. During brief periods we can see the large slow brainwaves of deep sleep, with superimposed fast rhythms, suggesting simultaneously that he is awake. … It’s the parts of the brain controlling vision, movement and emotion that appear to be awake. While areas of the brain involved in memory, decision-making and rational thinking appear to remain in deep sleep. So people in this state can talk, walk, eat, cook, drive or even have sex, without clear consciousness or memory.
That sounds like a wonderful alibi, but in Tom’s case, it wasn’t enough to convince a jury of his innocence.
Still, other people have used the sexsomnia defense or the general sleepwalking defense successfully. A Toronto man drove and murdered his mother-in-law in the middle of the night and was acquitted because he claimed to be asleep during the ordeal. An Arizona man who murdered his wife, allegedly in his sleep, was convicted. More recently, a Glasgow man was acquitted of rape charges for having sex with his wife hundreds of times while he was allegedly asleep. She told the jury she thought he was trying to spice things up.
Here’s How to Tell if You’re a Sexsomniac
It’s important to note that waking up while feeling a bit randy, then turning over to reach for your partner to engage in half-awake, groggy sex, is not at all the same thing. Here’s how health experts list the symptoms of sexsomnia:
• fondling or inducing foreplay with bed partner
• pelvic thrusting
• behaviors that mimic sexual intercourse
• sexual intercourse
• spontaneous orgasm
• glassy, vacant look in eyes during these behaviors
• being unaware of behavior later
Again, it’s caused by stress, lack of sleep and using prescription or illegal drugs or alcohol (hint: Ambien), and sufferers who eliminate these substances and/or issues typically see some improvements.
And How to Tell if You’re the Bad Kind of Sexsomniac
Our limited understanding still doesn’t change the ultimate conundrum here or its potential legal ramifications: When is sexsomnia just an awkward but ultimately welcome condition, and when is it a problem?
It all depends on the recipient’s interpretation of the events.
Like the first poster on Reddit and the Dan Savage advice-seeker, there are people who seem to enjoy it. Glamour recently reported on the condition, and told the story of a woman named Grace and her partner, who’d stopped having any waking sex, yet the sex they had while both were asleep soon became they only sex they were actually having, which managed to foster legitimate intimacy between them. In other words, a sexsomniac love story.
Glamour notes that one woman said her sexsomniac husband would announce during his attempts at sleep sex that if she wouldn’t fuck him, he’d find someone who would. But another sexsomniac man told them that “he says really loving and tender things to his partner during his episodes of sexsomnia.”
The difference, bizarrely enough, may simply all come down to how the sexsomniac goes about their banditing—and how that lands on a completely knocked-out lover who was just trying to catch a couple of Zs.
In more benign cases, there might be a practical solution. “I am a sleep groper, and we have found a solution that has worked for me,” writes a Redditor called Mindtaker. “It’s pillow wall!…Which is really just a body pillow. It gets all my sleep attention and she gets to sleep.”
Tracy Moore is a staff writer at MEL. She covers all the soft sciences like psychology, sex, relationships and parenting, but since this is a men’s magazine, occasionally the hard ones. Formerly at Jezebel.
The Connection Between Sex and Sleep
Guest Post by Chris Brantner
One of the public health crises currently affecting millions of adults is the widespread sleep deprivation we’ve all seemed to have accepted as part of our lives. Between the ever-increasing rates of anxiety, career, and family demands, and our newfound dependence on our shiny mobile devices and streaming video, most of us are getting far below the recommended number of hours of sleep each night.
While the exact amount of sleep needed each night varies from individual to individual based on differences in our sleep cycles and habits, studies conducted by the National Sleep Foundation have found that adults typically need between seven and nine hours of sleep each night. Polls and clinical studies have found that the average adult today gets less than seven each night, however, opening up the door for all sorts of mental and physical health complications.
Long-term sleep deficits increase one’s risk of developing serious medical issues like cardiovascular disease, cancers, and neurological disorders, and also significantly affect one’s mood and personality. Clinical sleep studies have found that sleeping less than eight hours a night can lead to anxiety and depression, mental health issues that have far-ranging effects. Aside from making you feel unhappy, these conditions can affect your relationships, particularly when it comes to your sex life.
The connection between sex and sleep goes much deeper than the fact that both are typically done in bed; often, a healthy sex life will lead to better sleep health and vice-versa. If sex or sleep is suffering, chances are that one can be improved by improving the other.
How Short Sleep Negatively Impacts Our Sex Lives
Anxiety and depression, both side effects of insomnia and sleep deprivation, are known to cause sexual dysfunction for a variety of reasons, both physical and cognitive. When the body becomes stressed because of sleep difficulties, the brain suppresses the production of sex hormones like estrogen and testosterone in favor of stress hormones like cortisol. This shift in hormone levels can lead to decreased sex drive, infertility, or erectile dysfunction.
The sleep-sex connection may be more prevalent in women because of the effects of pregnancy, postpartum lifestyle, and menopause. Pregnancy, menopause, and of course new babies, can all cause sleep disorders or insomnia, lowering some women’s interest in sex due to fatigue, stress, or depression.
It’s not all biological, though. Often, sleep deprivation takes its toll on individuals’ sex lives for the obvious reason: it makes them tired. Being too tired for sex is the leading reason reported by individuals or couples who have lost interest in sex.
On the other hand, a 2015 study conducted at the University of Michigan Medical School found that the longer individuals slept, the more interested in sex they were the following day. Short sleep impacts almost every aspect of one’s overall health and well-being, and sexual health is certainly no exception.
The Flipside: Sex Helps You Sleep
It’s clear that sleep deprivation takes a significant toll on one’s sex life. Luckily, however, the flip side is that a healthy sex life can help you sleep better, which in turn improves your sex life further. Sex and sleep truly share an interdependent relationship.
Research has shown that sex before bed can help improve sleep quality thanks to the endorphins released by sex, which serve to ease anxiety and relax you. And all of that great sleep can subsequently improve your relationship with your significant other. Sex also releases oxytocin, a hormone known as the “love hormone,” which has numerous benefits to your body and mind, including cueing relaxation.
“This hormone among many other feel-good hormones has been said to act as a sedative to reduce the time it takes to fall asleep,” says Michele Lastella, Ph.D., a sleep scientist at Central Queensland University in Adelaide, Australia.
Lastella conducted a survey of 460 adults between 18 and 70 in which participants were asked about their sex lives and sleep habits. Some 64 percent of respondents said they slept much better after having an orgasm shortly before bed, likely due to the release of oxytocin and other endorphins that accompany orgasms.
How to Improve Your Sleep and Sex Life
To ensure your body is ready for sex, follow the National Sleep Foundation’s guidelines and shoot for between seven and eight hours of sleep each night. Sleep scientists say you might need to plan for more than eight hours each night depending on your individual sleep habits and circadian rhythm. If you don’t wake up feeling rested in the morning, it’s likely a sign that you need more sleep.
To improve both your quality and quantity of sleep, it’s important that you focus on behaviors throughout the day that directly affect sleep. This is known as sleep hygiene. Be sure to limit your nighttime intake of caffeine or other stimulants and try to get at least 30 minutes of moderate exercise each day to help your body fall asleep naturally.
Remember, turn off all screens at night and leave your phone out of the bedroom. Artificial light can keep you awake and disrupt your body’s circadian rhythm long after you finally turn the screens off. Plus, if you and/or your partner spend each night staring at your phones in bed, you likely won’t be in the mood for sex anyway.
Sexual health and sleep quality share a deep relationship with one another. Sex or simply orgasms before bed will help you sleep better, which in turn can improve your sex life even further. While an active sex life isn’t the only way to get a good night’s sleep, getting sufficient sleep certainly is necessary for your body to be ready for sex. Getting enough sleep ensures you have the energy and stamina to have sex, while sufficient sleep also allows your body to regulate its hormones to be ready for sexual activity.
Like most aspects of our health, it all starts with sleep.
Chris Brantner is a certified sleep science coach and founder of SleepZoo.com
(Closed) Ugh- husband woke me up in middle of night for sex and it was gross
- 4 years ago
- Wedding: August 2015
So something bothered me last night with my husband in bed, and i still dont know how I feel about it. A little explicit for sex, which Im not normally like, but if that isnt your thing, please dont read.
We hadnt had sex in about a week on friday night,as I was feeling nauseaous all week since Im 5.5 months pregnant so some days are better than others, so we had sex, it was great, he went down on me, wehad sex, and we were lost in the moment, so I didnt go down on him at it all( not that its a competition but I enjoy making him feel good that way, the same way he makes me feel good).
Well, we were all ready to go last night, but then a dual friend of ours phoned and we were on the phone for over an hour and before we knew it, it was 11:30 pm and he had to get up the next morning(this morning) to go to work for 4am. We both had to take showers if we were to do anything since it was a long,sweaty day outside, but he was too tired but wanted me to take a shower so he could please me. I told him if hes not taking one, then I wont since I want to do it together and we’ll just wait until tomorrow night. Well, he woke me up in the middle of the night,at 2am, I was exhausted and I was wondering what the heck was going on. If we do choose to “Wake each other up in that special way,” it happens once in a blue moon and the other person wakes the other person up in the special way,( ie. Ill wake him up by kissing him or he’ll wake me, up by kissing me, not by me waking him up, puling him to me- again this happens only like once or twice a year anyway, so more of a rare thing). Well, in my dazed,sleepy state, my husband proceeded to push my head down towards his junk and suck him. So I was all for this, a few hours ago, granted if we took showers, but he even admitted to how gross he was down there and thats what I was sucking. Add to the fact of being 5.5 months pregnant and get nauseous eating most things, and just all dazed and a little confused from being woken up in the middle of the night, this was not enjoyable at all for me, quite the opposite. I continued on though, since i knew he was turned on and it had been a little while since I went down on him, since Ive been feeling nauseaous lately.
This is where it gets even more frustrating for me. My husband enjoys me playing with his bum once in a while( maybe more but thats all I can do once in a while). I have Irritable Bowel Syndrome so anything with the bum, is NOT something I enjoy, whether it be mine or his, etc. it just flashes back to my own pain down there, and I dont enjoy anything with that region. Seriously, Id rather do anything else in the world BUT this, that how much it turns me off. He knows this and understand this, and I have to be really, really, really, really, really in the mood to turn him on, I guess feeling a little naughty, to do anything for him in that area, which literally happens maybe, every couple of months, or more, and I just “play” with it, to pleasure him but not me, but again truly, not something I enjoy at all! So when I do do it, again rare, its all for him and he knows this and I truly have to be in the mood, and its not my thing.
So back to last night, I was down on him not really enjoying myself here, and he told me to finger his bum. Ahhh. Its the middle of night, still half asleep , going down on him when its making me nauseasous, and he wants me to play with his bum, when a) its not something i enjoy doing on a regular day, let alone when Im half alseep b) he hadnt showered since this morning !!! He told me how gross he felt down there and he wanted me to play with his bum. Ugh. But he rarely comes to me sometimes with his fantasisies because I shot him down once and I wanted him to be spontaneous sometims( just not in this way) so I played with it for a few minutes. But then he tells me to finger him down there- this is going too far- and after him telling me repeatedly, O just pull of him and say him name loud
” JASON,” and then go back…he was a little shocked but then wanted me to keep going, and was content with telling me “just” to play with his ass and he finally finished, and I gagged. It was so lovely, insert sarcasm. Literally after, I rolled away to the wall in bed and he asked what was wrong, its my turn, etc. I said hell no, I didnt have a shower, Im not putting you through that since I thought we werent doing anything, Im tired and Im going to bed. He asked if anything was wrong, but i just told him Im tired, goodnight, even though he thought something was wrong.
Listen, I didnt want to put down my husbands spontantity which he doesnt have as often lately, but it just couldve been a better time, better atmosphere, and less pushy to do what I dont enjoy doing. I felt disgusted afterwards, which has never truly happened with me and my hubby, since Ive been married for a while, and felt a little disgusted towards him. If I obviously told him all of this, he would feel embarassed, disgusted himself, and probably never ask for sex in the middle of night ever again and be spontaneous etc. so I dont want to hurt his feelings, but at the same time, I literally felt like a, i dont know, paid worker last night, and it was not a nice feeling
Picture this: You wake up in the middle of the night, and you’re right in the middle of getting it on with your partner. Sounds like an unlikely—albeit pretty awesome—scenario, right?
Actually, according to recent Canadian research, up to 11 percent of men have had sex (or at least tried to) while they were asleep.
These nocturnal horndogs may masturbate, fondle, dry hump, and even perform oral or have full-on intercourse—all while they’re totally zonked out, according to another Canadian study. They usually only find out about it when they wake up mid-act, or hear the story from their wives or girlfriends the next morning.
Sleep doctors officially recognized the phenomenon this year when they added a new condition to their international diagnostic manual: “Sleep Related Abnormal Sexual Behaviors.” Most people refer to it as “sleep sex” or “sexsomnia,” but our favorite term was coined by one Reddit commenter: “Nightbang.”
Whatever you call it, we have one question: How can you be capable of sex when you’re unconscious?
Think of it as another form of sleepwalking, says Michel Cramer Bornemann, M.D., lead investigator at Sleep Forensics Associates in Minnesota.
When your brain transitions between different stages of sleep, sometimes neurons can misfire, he says. The error accidentally switches part of your brain “on” while the rest of it is still passed out. Those misfires happen in the part of your brain that controls your most basic human functions, Dr. Cramer Bornemann says.
“There are primal behaviors deep seated in the brain,” he says. “They’re simple motions necessary for survival, like defensive posturing and chewing. Of course, that includes sexual copulation and pelvic thrusting.”
In other words, your caveman brain is awake, grinding up against your girlfriend. Meanwhile, your sophisticated 21st century brain, capable of long division and artfully seducing her, has clocked out for the night.
Nightbang can happen to anyone, Dr. Cramer Bornemann says. Women, too: Up to 4 percent of females have had a sleep sex episode.
If you’re dubious that the rest of your brain could really be asleep, there’s proof: Researchers have video of a woman masturbating while her head is hooked up to an EEG showing she’s unconscious.
Sexsomnia is often instigated by coming into contact with your partner in bed, researchers say. Stress, fatigue, poor sleep, and medications like Ambien can also contribute.
It has nothing to do with naughty dreams, Dr. Cramer Bornemann says, or being unhappy with your waking sex life. It’s essentially just a brain fart. A weird, kinky brain fart.
For committed couples, sleep sex can be harmless, even entertaining. But it can also cause problems: Because you’re not actually conscious and in control, your sexual advances could be aggressive or inappropriate.
In rare cases, sexsomnia can result in assault. It can also strain a relationship—like if your wife thinks it’s evidence of sexual frustration or dreaming about other women. Or if you’re dry humping her at 2 a.m. every single night.
But ultimately, it’s not a disorder unless it’s causing trouble, Dr. Cramer Bornemann says. If you’re concerned, see a sleep doctor—preferably someone who specializes in the neurobehavioral aspects of sleep medicine, he says.
Can you have sex with someone when they’re asleep?
Is it possible to have sex with someone while they’re asleep? Sure it is.
Is it likely they won’t wake up at all? Not so much.
Is it likely that person would wake up and think it was awesome someone was engaging them in sex without their permission in advance? Probably not.
More to the point, is it okay to have sex with someone who is asleep without having asked and obtained their permission first at a time when they were NOT asleep? No way.
(Does most porn care about presenting the idea that sex without consent isn’t ever okay, and that when people have sex with sleeping women without their consent, they are not inclined to wake up and do anything but look for something to bash that person in the head with? Not so much, but all of us should be smart enough to know not to be gleaning ANY sort of sexual ethics from pornography, ever.)
Sleeping people cannot give consent to sex, because we’re not conscious to make those decisions, and having sex with someone who cannot give consent isn’t lawful or ethical, nor is it even sex: it’s rape.
You could ask me to do all of the things I LEAST wanted to do in the whole world when I was asleep, and I’d grunt yes just to get you to shut yer yap and let me sleep already. It’s often hard to even know if and when you’re in danger when you’re asleep because…well, you’re asleep. I’d expect someone I trusted enough to share a bed with to know that they shouldn’t put value in ANYTHING I say when I’m asleep, and to ask me about important things — sex included — only when I was awake. So, if you’re interested in discussing the option of initiating sex with a partner when they’re asleep, that’s certainly something you could talk about in advance of doing it, but you still won’t really have full consent at the time. Too, if the idea of having sex while you’re asleep is exciting to YOU, then it makes more sense for you to talk to a partner about them doing it to YOU than you doing it to THEM.
Overall though, it’s just not something I’d advise, even with a discussion first.
Giving a general permission to a partner to do something that we can’t soundly decide on when it’s being done isn’t so kosher. Too, it can be awfully creepy, and quite an invasion, to wake up and find someone — even someone you like and trust — having sex with you when you’ve been asleep. Really, it tends to be way more creepy than sexy for the sleeping person (and you’d hope, also creepy for the waking person, since two people can’t actually have sex TOGETHER when one of them isn’t conscious). We need a feeling of safety to sleep soundly, and it’d be awfully tough to have that if we felt like someone could have sex with us when we weren’t really aware of it, or not able to give clear consent to it, at any time.
Your best bet, here in real-life land where consent matters? Enjoy snuggling in sleep, and save the sex for before you go to bed or when you and your partner are waking up. Just woken-up morning sex is often mighty nice, and we’re still bleary enough for it to feel good and floaty, but not SO out of it that we can’t make a sound choice about whether or not we want to have sex.
Here are a few extra links for you to check out:
- What is rape, and what is it like to be raped?
- How can men know if someone is giving consent or not?
- Be a Blabbermouth! The Whats, Whys and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner
- Blinders Off:Getting a Good Look at Abuse and Assault
- Sexual Negotiation for the Long Haul