Confronting the other woman

The other woman in your husband’s life destroys your marital happiness, doesn’t she?

You feel terribly upset when you come to know that your husband has been cheating you behind your back. You feel furious that he has the audacity to cheat your trust and loyalty.

What happens when you know about the illegal extra marital affair of your husband?

  • You lose your mental peace.
  • You feel wild with anger that your husband had been disloyal to you.
  • You have bitter arguments with him about the other woman in his life.
  • You want to walk away from your marriage.
  • But you stay on because of your children.

The other woman suddenly enters your married life to baby lift your husband.

‘Is this really happening to me’ you ask yourself. You still cannot believe that you have competition in your married life.

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The other woman is not a new concept in married life. It has been happening for generations.

I remember my mother’s uncle having extra marital affair with another woman. There used to be bitter fights between him and his wife. But his wife never walked away from her marriage. She stayed with her husband even though she knew he was having an illegal affair with the other woman. ‘It is my fate’ she used to tell my mother.

Thinking back, I feel my mother’s aunt has been submissive and meek to allow the other woman enter her married life.

If it had happened today I think she would have divorced her husband.

You should never overlook any illegal affair of your husband. He owes his loyalty to you. He cannot be having fun with the other woman making a mockery of your trust.

What makes your husband cheat you?

Men are very prone to physical attraction. Your husband is no different.

  • He is instantly drawn towards a woman if she is physically attractive to him.
  • He never thinks he is being disloyal when he indulges in extra marital affairs.
  • It is just a physical thing, he justifies himself.
  • When the other woman gives him the lead he crosses the line without any hesitation.

Mostly your husband cheats you to satisfy his physical urge.

You feel like killing him for the injustice he does to you, don’t you?

But there are times your husband justifies his cheating by piling up many accusations against you.

‘My wife makes my life a hell by her aggressive behavior. I have no peace at home as she always degrades me. This is the reason I was attracted to the other woman who understood me better’.

Do you commit these mistakes your cheating husband accuses you of?

  • Do you nag your husband about everything?
  • Are you prone to angry and ugly outbursts?
  • Do you spend too much time away from the family with your friends?
  • Do you deny your husband emotional support?
  • Do you deny him sex when he needs it?

Your husband dislikes such behavior from you.

Your husband might be physically very strong but he is very weak mentally. He is very vulnerable and emotionally fickle. His ego is shattered and crushed if you nag him persistently. When you are not loving and caring he shrinks inside in frustration and dejection.

He needs his ego to be boosted up to feel worthy.

Do you make sex your bargaining ground to meet your demands?

In fact most women make this mistake. You feel you can make him surrender to your demands in his weakest moment. This is a characteristic your husband hates in you.

Do you browbeat your husband as unworthy and worthless?

This makes him feel very lonely and alone in his inner mind. He feels that he is incapable of success. His mind craves for encouraging words which is not forthcoming from you.

This is when the gates of his mind opens out for the other woman.

When the other woman gives him the emotional comfort which he does not get from you, he feels drawn towards her.

Does your unreasonable behavior justify his betrayal of your trust?

It never does.

Who is this other woman of his life?

  • She might be a friend who gives him great companionship to eventually enter into his heart.
  • She might be a lonely woman who seeks comfort in your husband.
  • She might his colleague who shares her feelings with him to finally enter into his life.

When the other woman becomes his another family you feel your marriage can go no further.

There are ways to deal with the other woman in your husband’s life

  • You should never let this affair continue.
  • You are his rightfully wedded wife. You have total rights over him, not the other woman.
  • Do not take it as a personal defeat to you as wife.
  • Your husband will never leave you as he knows that his family is you and your children.
  • Do not let your children know about the other woman. They start hating their father.
  • It is between you and your husband.
  • Do not give importance to the other woman. She does not deserve it.

Who wins the battle? You or the other woman?

  • There can be doubt that you will emerge the winner.
  • The finality of the illegal relationship of your husband is always separation.
  • Your husband and the other woman realize rather late that their relationship too is not perfect.
  • Your husband longs to be back in the family fold with you and children.

What should you do?

  • Do not indulge in mutual mudslinging with the other woman
  • Do not let your husband easily off the hook – divorce makes him make hay while the sun shines.
  • Show him firmly that he cannot take you for granted.

When he comes back, give him a firm ultimatum. Tell him firmly that if he cheats again he will lose you, once for all.

Hepp/Getty Images Imagine for a moment (and we admit it might be an unpleasant moment) that you knew your husband had cheated on you. Now imagine that you have the opportunity to sit down with the other woman and find out, from her perspective, why he strayed. Would you do it? Before you recoil in horror, consider this: An imaginary other woman might be able to clue you in on what you’re potentially neglecting in your marriage. Sure, “taking advice from the other woman is only addressing one level of your marriage’s health,” concedes Noelle Nelson, PhD, a relationship expert and author of Your Man Is Wonderful. But that said, “these are often things that the wife probably used to do—and should think about doing again.” Here, eight little love lessons—from marriage experts, the other woman and a couple of cheating husbands.

1. Work on your own confidence. Patricia,* who is currently having an affair with a married man, cites her aura of self-confidence and self-reliance as one of the most alluring things about her. “Insecurity is a very unattractive trait,” she says. “It’s exhausting to be around.” Similarly, don’t worry about aging. “Women often get confused, believing that affairs happen as they get older, gain weight or are otherwise less physically attractive to their spouse,” says Dr. Nelson. But men more often report having affairs to meet their emotional needs, irrespective of their wife’s physical appearance.

What it means for you: Develop and maintain your own interests—from girls’ nights out to reading the books and magazines you like—instead of expecting your husband to be everything for you, says Dr. Nelson. And take care of yourself for the sake of your health and self-esteem as much as a way to “keep” your man interested in you, she says.

2. Pay attention to him. Yes, it’s that simple—and that complex, says Patricia. “If you try to justify your lack of attention and interest in your husband by saying, ‘You know how much I love you, I don’t have to do more,’ think again.” Giving your husband attention, she says, is powerfully addictive to him. Marriage and family therapist Karen Ruskin, PsyD, agrees: “The main thing men report when they cheat is a lack of attention from their wives.”

What it means for you: “When he talks, stop what you’re doing and make eye contact. Don’t let your to-do list be running through the back of your mind. Be fully present. Care about him and then take your turn,” says Patricia.

3. Don’t bottle up your anger or hide issues. “I cheated because when my wife and I were going through a hard time, she refused to see my side of issues regarding our children and remained angry with me. She wouldn’t talk. Meanwhile, the woman I cheated with looked at me like I was a Greek god!” says John,* who is now divorced from his wife.

What it means for you: Discuss issues respectfully, without lashing out in anger.

4. Pump up your appreciation. In a long-term relationship, even when things are good, couples often let appreciation slide—you assume he knows you’re grateful for the things he does. But men, in particular, like to know, explicitly, that the roles they play in your life and your home are not going unnoticed, says Dr. Ruskin.

What it means for you: “Don’t let a day go by when you don’t communicate what you appreciate about your spouse,” says Dr. Ruskin. Be specific: “I’m so glad you can deal with the politics at your office so you can support the family” lets him know that you’re grateful for the way he works. Something like, “Thanks for taking Jason to soccer every Saturday. I’m so pleased I married the kind of man who’s really involved in the kids’ activities” tells him you notice his fatherhood chops.

5. Don’t toss out courtship as the years go on. Oh, who has time to date, much less to write romantic notes or buy sexy lingerie? You know who has time? The other woman. But what you have to remember is that “the other woman can do these things in short bursts, without the other commitments, namely your house, your kids and your finances,” says Dr. Ruskin.

What it means for you: Try to remember that when you add those little courtship-like touches to a long-term marriage (a squeeze on the arm and kiss on the cheek when he’s reading the paper, a short love note in his coat pocket, a special dinner plan), you’re showing him that with you he’s got the total package: the long-term history and commitment, and the sweet and sexy fun.

6. Have sex! “When my first wife and I were married, she used to tell me that I liked sex ‘too much.’ I felt bad, both physically and emotionally, for having a strong, healthy sex drive! I began to rationalize having one-night stands,” says Bob Quinlan, who remained married (they separated and went through counseling) for 20 years before finally divorcing, and is now happily remarried and the author of Earn It: Empower Yourself for Love.

What it means for you: It sounds simplistic, but it’s a tenet of good marriages: Have sex. It’s true that sexual desire waxes and wanes and that there are often mismatches between partners, but try to find common ground, says Dr. Ruskin. “You should have some physical closeness and contact at least once a week. Twice would be great. More is the exception—but at least it should be consistent.” Another point, adds Quinlan: “Keep sex as an enjoyable, joyful part of your relationship, and don’t withhold it as punishment,” which only casts it in a negative light.

7. Put your marriage first. It can be hard for some women to remember that their marriage should be the first priority on their list, says Dr. Ruskin. The other woman has the advantage of being able to put her lover first—because she doesn’t have the other distractions.

What it means for you: Continually remind yourself that the husband-wife relationship is primary. Get a babysitter and go out without parent guilt. Put the kids to bed early so you can snuggle on the couch together.

8. Be interested in his work, hobbies and accomplishments. You don’t have to join him at the model train show, but asking him about it afterward is a smart idea. Same goes for his work: “One reason men often have affairs with women they work with is that there may be a woman at work who takes notice of his accomplishments and struggles,” says Dr. Nelson. Imagine how it feels to him when he comes home to tell you how he saved the meeting from disaster, and you all but ignore him.

What it means for you: Take interest in what he’s interested in, such as asking him to explain why that particular soccer game is important to the league, or flipping through his car magazine.

*These names have been changed.

How Vashikaran Mantra in Hindi & English Can Make Your Wish Come True in # 3 Hours 

Vashikaran Tips to Control Husband,Boyfriend can Show You Real Magical Results.

Relationship of husband and wife is a precious relationship made by God. This is the most special relationship of this world. It is said that couples are made in heaven. And they are only meet on earth. Their relationship is considered to be the most different from all relationships.

There should be no place for anger and doubt in the relationship of husband and wife. Mistrust and arrogance are very small reasons for breaking this sweet relationship. The foundation of husband and wife’s relationship often weakens for very little reason. Mistrust is sometimes for a short time. But the effect is very deep. Because of this, strong and strong relationships sometimes come to the brink of breaking down.

Many a times this strong relationship breaks down easily in the absence of love, trust and understanding. So know easy mohini vashikaran mantra totke or free lal kitab upay to control careless husband in your favor. This is free lal kitab remedies for vashikaran of husband.

How To Do Husband Vashikaran Remedies at Home?

It is very easy to perform husband vashikaran remedies and totkas at home. People, who are running short of money can do these upayas at their place without any cost. This is strong kamdev totka for vashikaran on husband and it works magically without fail.

This vashikaran mantra for husband upay will not only bring angry husband close to you but also make your husband to love and care for you. This strong vashikaran upay to get back ex husband also mentioned in lal kitab. So you can bring your husband back easily if there is a divorce situation between you or if he is involving any post marital affairs with any lady.

So to get this homemade remedy you can call or whats app Guruji. He will help you with the best suitable home remedy according to your situation. Because every case is different, so there is a need of horoscope reading that is why you are asked to contact us. Mantra and totka best suited for you is to be decided after checking the amount of problem, you are facing.

Home remedy to improve husband wife relationship is given according to how bigger your problem is and which mantra will work in your problematic situation. So contact and get your problem solved with free of cost consultation.

Click To Get Durga Vashikaran Mantra To Control Husband

What are Real Totke For Happy Married Life in Hindi?

Relationship of husband and wife is world’s most sacred relationship. But sometimes love gets faded in this relation and distances starting increasing which weakens the relationship. So if your husband is going away from you, don’t listen to you, he is forgetting you due to other women’s interference in his life or having domestic violence problem then you can get back your husband’s love again by easy vashikaran totke and mantras.

You can make him under your control with some powerful vashikaran tips and make him to dance on your fingertips. This is also called pati ko ungliyon par nachne ka mantra.

If as a wife, you are not getting your right from husband then we will help you to do pati vashikaran.

In simple words, it is very easy to do vashikaran on husband and it also has no side effects. Any woman can use husband vashikaran mantra and make him crazy in love with you again.
So Call or Whats App to know, how to control husband by vashikaran and what you have to do for it. If you need any mantra or home remedy then you can also get it from Guruji’s Srimukh.

Improve relationship with husband and make him under your control to get more attention, love & care from him.

If your relation with husband is not going well and there is any dispute between you for some reasons like you have a doubt that he is with another lady or he is in any extra marital affair then we will help you to solve your problem and provide you easy remedy and best solution for your problem. With the help of our remedy and mantra, you can control your husband’s greedy nature and make him act as per your wish. I’ll guide you how to stop husband’s extra martial affairs in few hours.

This upaya is called “pati ko apni iccha anusar nachane ka kamdev vashikaran mantra”. So improve love between pati patni.

Click to get lal kitab remedies for husband wife relationship.

Mantra to Make Husband under Control of Wife or Boyfriend Vice Versa

This vashikaran mantra can also be used to control girlfriend or boyfriend.

If the sweetness of love decreasing between husband and wife, or if you have a doubt that your husband can leave/divorce you then by using this mantra, he can be restrained from wandering or can be stopped from going to other woman. This is also called in Hindi pati ko vapis pane ke totke or Pati ko vash me krne ke jyotish upay. This remedy is taken from lal kitab for husband vashikaran. To know more about how to vashikaran on unfaithful husband using simple black magic home remedies contact us.

Boyfriend Vashikaran Mantra in English :

Aim Rim Um Kshobhaya Bhagvati Tavam Swaha

If your boyfriend is broken up with you and you are trying to bring him back then chant this very powerful vashikaran mantra 108 times regular for 7 days. Keep your boyfriend’s photo in front of you and worship Maa Durga with Sandle wood,flowers, Dhup & Dheep. Do a small home totka before doing this mantra for the best results.

Real Vashikaran Mantra To Get Back Your Girlfriend or Wife:

Om Namo Jalajjaa Jalyam Thah Thah Thah Hreem Naham !!

To get the best results gain sidhi in this mantra. Write name of your girlfriend or wife on Petal of the Lotus flower and make paste by mixing it with Gorochan. Chant this mantra 1008 times by keepint the paster in hand and apply on your forehead. This lady vashikaran can make any lady under your control.

Vashikaran Mantra to Stop Boyfriend or Husband Extra Martial Affairs with Other Girl or Woman:

Om Namo Namah Pishani Trisulam Khad Haste

Simhaarudhe Amuki Me Vashmaagagachh Maagachh Kuru Kuru Swaha

This home vashikaran mantra to stop husband or boyfriend extra love affairs has to be chanted 1008 times during Eclipse period. This would ensure your mastery over it. In place of “Amuk” take name of your boyfriend or husband. After gaining sidhi write this mantra on Bhojpatra and worship it with Dhoop.

Vashikaran Mantra To Control Husband in Hindi:

  1. ॐ नमः कामाख्या देवी अमुकं मे वशं करी स्वाहा |
  2. ॐ नमः अदि पुरुषाय अमुकं कुरु कुरु स्वाहा |

Procedure:- To do vashikaran on husband or to perform boyfriend vashikaran remedies using this mantra, firstly you have to attain siddhi on this mantra by reciting it. You have to chant this mantra for sava lakh times by remembering goddess kamakhya or lord kamdeva to attain siddhi over it. After attaining siddhi, write this mantra on bhojpatra by chanting it. Then with the help of this lal kitab remedies husband will start supporting wife and love and affection will increase again between spouses.

पति – पत्नी या प्रेमी – प्रेमिका को वश में करने का महाचमत्कारी वशीकरण उपाय

Easy and quick working mantra to control husband. Home remedies for husband vashikaran mantra immediately.

अगर आपका पति आपमें इंटरेस्ट लेना बंद कर दे तो अपनाये ये उपाय और फिर से लाएं अपने ज़िंदगी में खुशियां।

Use magical mantras to control husband and stop him from going to other lady. Know how to get rid of other women from husband’s life by free home remedy. This remedy will make him faithful forever with you.

Simple totke to control husband :-

Home Remedy to Remove Husband’s Extra Marital Affairs:-

If your husband does not pay attention towards you and he is started taking interest in any other woman and he has made extra marital affair outside then it can be a big danger bell for you. Due to this you may have to face bigger problems in the future. It can also be that this woman completely control your husband and make her place in his heart. Your husband can also leave you forever.

He can give you divorce. So what is that remedy through which you can stop your husband from taking out the affair?

We will provide you some great tips, mantras and remedies that can prevent your husband from going to that woman. So use astrological remedies mantras to control/prevent an extra affair of husband.

If your husband takes interest in any other woman then you can use this upaya to control him. Homemade tone totke for getting husband’s love and getting rid of his extra marital affairs.

इस उपाय को खासतौर पर होलिका की रात में करना चाहिए | अगर होली के समय आप इस उपाय को करें तो आपको फायदा बहुत अच्छा मिलता है |

This astro remedy can also be used to get husband’s love who stays away from wife or if the wife is living in her mayka place then husband will come to bring her back to home with due respect and honor.

  • How can I save my marriage from divorce and leading a happy married life with my husband?

You can use husband vashikaran mantra to control your husband mind and prevent from divorce. Detailed procedure is mentioned. Chant the given mantra for said period. You can consult for more details.

  • How can I perform husband vashikaran mantra at home?

If you wish to perform husband vashikaran mantra at home then I have shared some real and most powerful vashikaran that you can chant at your home. But must consult me before following anything.

  • How can I keep my husband away from other woman?

You can easily keep your husband away from other woman by using vashikaran mantra to control husband. Husband Vashikaran Mantra helps to break them up in 3 days. Browse for more details.

  • Can I control husband by Lal kitab remedies?

Of course, lal kitab remedies are enough to control husband. These remedies can be performed at home. But don’t do anything wrong please. Consult for more details.

  • Can I vashikaran on husband with Durga Vashikaran Mantra?

Yes, you can chant Durga Vashikaran Mantra in Hindi or English to bring husband under your control him. Browse for mode details.

  • What is the best solution to improve husband wife relationship?

Vashikaran mantra for husband is the best solution to improve husband wife relationship. Many lives have been improved with vashikaran.

How can I save my marriage from divorce and leading a happy married life with my husband?

You can use husband vashikaran mantra to control your husband mind and prevent from divorce. Detailed procedure is mentioned. Chant the given mantra for said period. You can consult for more details at http://lovebackmagic.com/vashikaran-mantra-to-control-husband

How can I perform husband vashikaran mantra at home?

If you wish to perform husband vashikaran mantra at home then I have shared some real and most powerful vashikaran that you can chant at your home. But must consult me before following anything. Browse http://lovebackmagic.com/vashikaran-mantra-to-control-husband

How can I keep my husband away from other woman?

You can easily keep your husband away from other woman by using vashikaran mantra to control husband. Husband Vashikaran Mantra helps to break them up in 3 days. Browse for more details at http://lovebackmagic.com/vashikaran-mantra-to-control-husband

Can I control husband by Lal kitab remedies?

Of course, lal kitab remedies are enough to control husband. These remedies can be performed at home. But don’t do anything wrong please. Consult for more details at http://lovebackmagic.com/vashikaran-mantra-to-control-husband

Can I vashikaran on husband with Durga Vashikaran Mantra?

Yes, you can chant Durga Vashikaran Mantra in Hindi or English to bring husband under your control him. Browse for more details at http://lovebackmagic.com/vashikaran-mantra-to-control-husband

What is the best solution to improve husband wife relationship?

Vashikaran mantra for husband is the best solution to improve husband wife relationship. Many lives have been improved with vashikaran. Click here http://lovebackmagic.com/vashikaran-mantra-to-control-husband

The Day My Lover’s Wife Confronted Me About Sleeping With Her Spouse

It still haunts me to this day.

Long ago, I was the other woman, the mistress, and the villain. I’ve documented this experience in previous posts. It was a confusing, emotional and destructive time in my life, to say the least.

I’m far away from all of that now. It’s been many years since that drama unfolded into a finale of heartbreak, tears, and fury. But the pain never really goes away completely.

Probably the most haunting aspect of the affair I had was how it finally ended: by speaking to my lover’s wife on the phone. And she wanted details.

She found my number on her husband’s phone bill and called me. She had actually called me several times over the course of the affair. She knew I existed. But I would never answer the call. Until I did.

I was done. I was done with the lying, the secrecy, and my lover’s cowardice. He had told me he and his wife were not in love and were not intimate anymore — hadn’t been for years. But it became clear that it was all a lie.

He had been having his cake and eating it vigorously for far too long. I was drained and ready to move on. So I answered the call that night and two hours later it was all over.

She asked me questions. She was still in denial even though she knew. She asked me about particular details only a lover would know. She asked about certain dates, where we went, what movies we saw together. She wanted to know everything.

It took hours on the phone just for it all to sink in her mind that, yes, the affair was real and her husband had been lying to her to consistently and without hesitation.

What I noticed most about her was her voice. It was sweet. She used the same kinds of words my lover did; you could tell that they were a couple. They spoke in a similar way. That hurt.

The conversation brought us both closer to the light. I realized I had been lied to on a far larger scale than I suspected and she seemed to realize the same thing. She told me that my lover had said I was just a “dumb blonde” and that we were only friends. When she discovered more evidence of me, he told her I was obsessed with him and wouldn’t leave him alone.

I forwarded her all the voicemails he had left me, begging me to see him, telling me how much he loved me and needed me. And that was that. I knew he would never try to contact me again after this conversation. His jig was officially up.

My lover’s wife ended the conversation by telling me how much she hated me and couldn’t think of another person in the whole world that she despised more than me. She was sick to her stomach. I don’t blame her.

You could tell by her voice that she was far more intelligent than my lover was. She vowed to leave him and told me she had divorce papers ready to go. But I could tell she still loved him. I could tell she didn’t want to leave him. She also knew I wasn’t the first affair and probably wouldn’t be the last.

My life changed for the better after that night. I cut the cord. What was once in the dark was now in a fluorescent spotlight.

Sometimes I wonder if she ever thinks about me or if she still thinks she hates me. I wonder if she’s still married to my ex-lover and if she’s happy. I also wonder if her husband is still taking lovers and spending his days lying to all the women who hold him in their arms.

I’ll never know for sure. It still stings that I became a villain in someone’s life story. As much as I can move on, take responsibility, or as many times as I canapologize to my lover’s wife (which I did), that kind of experience lives with you and takes up residence in your soul.

I came clean. I atoned for my actions. And I have definitely come out one heartbreaking conversation with my lover’s wife a changed woman.

Is Confronting the Other Woman Good or Bad?

I work all the time with couples that have been rocked by the affects of cheating being discovered. Some times partners ask me about confronting the other woman beforehand, but a lot of times I hear about it only after they’ve already done it.

Most women whose spouse has cheated want to confront the other woman. It some ways it’s a natural, self-protective response. While their reasons can vary, the desire to protect their relationship is a very strong and primary motivator. Unfortunately, many don’t think enough about whether or not it’s a good idea. Since it feels like the right thing to do, they allow their emotions to determine their actions instead.

Why Women Confront the Other Woman

Here are a few partners’ stories about what led them to confronting the other woman:

Two years ago, my husband announced (at my asking what was going on with him) that he didn’t think he was in love with me anymore, and that he didn’t think he wanted to be married anymore. I soon discovered some emails between him and his Admin Assistant (newly separated herself) that were not conclusive, but were at least inappropriate and suggestive that there was something more than their just talking about their respective marital issues, as he claimed. Needless to say, I was devastated. I couldn’t understand it – we had a beautiful marriage – not always perfect – but we had built a beautiful life together. I loved him, I wanted our marriage – but I was holding a lot of resentment and anger regarding this other woman and I wanted answers. Every time I went there, he continued to deny that anything had happened and didn’t feel that he had done anything wrong and the discussion would end with his wanting to leave and his wanting a divorce etc. I began to shut down in terms of talking about my feelings etc. so I found her number and called her…” -Ashley

My husband left me and my 2 kids six months ago. He says he isn’t happy and that he wants a divorce. He refuses to go to counselling because he doesn’t want to fix our relationship. One night I decided to go for a drive and found his car was not parked on his street. I went to the other woman house and found his car parked around the corner. I know that you don’t visit a friend at 10:15pm at night. All night I couldn’t stop thinking about her, so I decided to confront her and went back the next day and knocked on her door…” -Marisa We’ve had a rocky relationship, but it’s not all been bad, three years ago we had our daughter, since then I haven’t had a lot of time for him, to cut a long story short…I find out he had been sleeping with another woman, I confronted them, acted needy, pleading etc which was crazy now I think of it. I love this man but I’m no doormat……I do love him dearly & want to be with him only to have him tell me WE WILL NEVER BE A COUPLE, he thinks he’s in love with this woman but I sense it’s just a desire. He doesn’t see he’s done anything wrong & seems to want to punish us for things that aren’t our doing, he’s the one that’s wronged us. This other woman doesn’t have any young children or stress’s like I have with a three year old. I want to confront her and tell her she’s destroying our life…” -Lana

Understandably, anyone whose partner has cheated on them is going to be very angry and hurt. These feelings need an outlet, and often the easiest, safest one is by confronting the other woman. Another reason partner’s end up venting at the other woman is because, like Ashley above, their partners won’t be honest and take any responsibility for their actions, so they turn to the next target. “Every time I went there, he continued to deny that anything had happened and didn’t feel that he had done anything wrong.”

What Happens After Confronting the Other Woman

So what comes after a partner confronts the other woman? There are several likely outcomes that I’ve seen with the couples I’ve counseled after an affair:

  • Makes Things Worse. It’s not uncommon for the other woman to get angry right back at you. If your partner’s still communicating with her they can end up conspiring together against you. As unbelievable as that may sound, I’ve seen it happen many times.
  • Inflames Things Between You and Your Partner. He gets really angry with you for reaching out to her. As a result, your already broken communication just gets more limited.
  • Get Ignored. Often the other woman will have nothing to do with you, and so you just end up wasting your time and energy chasing someone who just avoids you (and any accountability).
  • Led On by Her. She lies to you by saying she didn’t know he was married and telling other untruths. While what she says could be true, you can’t trust her — so putting any value in what she tells you is a mistake.

The bottom line about confronting the other woman is that it will get you nowhere closer to fixing your problem. Need more reasons?

  1. Your issue isn’t with her, it’s with your partner.
  2. You need to vent your feelings at your partner, not her. He’s the one you have a relationship and commitment with, not her. And he’s the one who broke it, not her.
  3. You’re doing for your partner what they need to do — end it. He needs to tell her it’s over, not you. If he isn’t the one who does it, it probably won’t be over either.

Think long and hard before confronting the other woman. I’ve never seen it fix anything. If you’re still thinking that maybe it could, then re-read the 3 points above.

Looking for More? Check Out These Articles

  • Why Cheating Spouse’s Are Difficult To Deal With
  • Married Men Sometimes Cheat – 3 Reasons Why
  • Is Your Marriage Really Over? How You Can Know
  • Get More Help with a Cheating Spouse

Saying Goodbye To The Other Woman

The doctors gave Michaela weeks to live. I found out she’d also had cancer as a child, and they believed it was a resurgence from that episode. My ex kept me posted on her condition, not because I wanted to know but so he could have somebody to talk to about it. I struggled to put my feelings aside and be as supportive as I could, but listening to details about her made me feel like throwing up.

I’d carried my hate for her around like a shield for so long that I was used to the weight. During that time, I no longer wished for my husband to come back to me. He wasn’t the loving man I’d once known. In fact, he seemed like a completely different person, and I knew we were no longer compatible. Still, with the death of that dream, my feelings about Michaela never wavered. She’d stolen my family without a second thought… period. That made her enemy number one, and that would never change even if I was ready to move on by myself.

It was a Saturday night when my little boys came to me. They stood next to each other at the foot of my bed looking sad and confused.

“Did you know Michaela is going to die?” my older son, Brendan, asked me.

“Yes I do,” I answered quietly.

The boys looked at each other, then back at me. It was the first time I’d thought of the effect Michaela’s death would have on them. She was there on weekends when the boys were with their father. She played with them and cuddled them and gently teased them. Now she was about to disappear from their lives while they were too little to understand.

My younger son, Shayne, piped up. “Is she going to be a beautiful angel in heaven? That’s what dad told us.”

I swallowed my anger and sarcasm, and it tasted bitter on my tongue.

“Yes she is,” I told my son as he wriggled his way into my lap.

The boys were full of questions. Does Michaela have to die? Can’t a doctor save her? What if we wished really hard? Can we pray to Jesus?

In their world, people didn’t just go away forever. In their innocent eyes, there was always hope. Except this time there wasn’t any. My heart broke to see their confusion and helplessness.

I scooped up both boys in my arms. “What if we made something to help her feel better?”

Their faces lit up, excited to help. The boys followed me into the kitchen. I pulled a basket from the top shelf of the pantry and lined it with bright red tissue paper.

“What do you guys think would make her happy?”

“I know,” Shayne shouted. He ran off in the direction of his room and came back with a small stuffed monkey. It was one of his favorites. He knelt down and set it into the basket tenderly. Then he stood up and turned back to me.

“What else?”

Brendan and Shayne each drew her pictures we stuffed into colorful envelopes and put in the basket. I put in some Clinique moisturizer I hadn’t opened yet along with a small African Violet plant I’d been looking after. A few more stuffed animals made the basket nearly overflow. The boys eagerly chatted about when they would give it to her and how surprised she would be.

Before we knew it, we were finished.

“Doesn’t it need a card?” Brendan asked me.

I grabbed an index card and a Sharpie from my desk. The boys hovered over me around the dining room table.

“What should we write?” I asked them.

“How about get well soon?” Shayne offered.

I hugged my boy. Neither of them really understood how final this was.

“How about…we love you, Michaela?”

“Yeah!” both boys shouted in unison. Brendan wrote it because he was the oldest and knew how to spell. Shayne added a smiley face and some X’s and O’s. We stood over the basket looking at our handiwork not saying anything. There would be time to have a real talk with them, but they were caught up that moment because they were helping Michaela feel better.

That was all that mattered, for all three of us.

It’s Cheat Week at Mashable. Join us as we take a look at how liars, scammers, grifters, and everyday people take advantage of life’s little loopholes in order to get ahead.

The last conversation Nicola had with the man she’d been having an affair with for 2.5 years was about a tattoo he was thinking of getting. The next day, he vanished from her life.

“Deleted Twitter, Facebook, LinkedIn, Skype. Emails bounced back, WhatsApps were undelivered, and that was that,” she said. At first, she thought he was just taking some space and eventually he’d explain why. But days turned into weeks and weeks turned into 8.5 months.

One evening, she did something she’d done a few times since his disappearance — looked at profiles of people who know him in the hope it’d reveal something about his whereabouts. Nicola looked at his wife’s Facebook page. “Her photo had changed to a picture of her, very pregnant. From the comments below it turned out she was due in the next couple of weeks,” she said. In that moment, Nicola said her “heart broke into a million pieces.”

The affair had started with a conversation at an office party. He was much older than her and very senior in another department in the company. The pair kept that conversation going through emails and Skype messaging all day. Nothing physical happened for eight months — until another work party. “That was where the romantic relationship started. By that time, even though I knew he was with someone, I’d never felt that way before and felt like I couldn’t ignore it,” said Nicola.

“My feelings towards her were a very weird mix of envy and pity”

Did Nicola ever think about his wife? Nicola said she found it “pretty easy” not to think about her. “This sounds horrible, but my feelings towards her were a very weird mix of envy and pity,” she said. “I was so envious that she’d got there first, that she got to have him come home to her. Then pity because she didn’t know, and that made me feel sorry for her in a way.”

Asked if she ever felt guilty about her status as the other woman, Nicola replied: “Nowhere near as much as I should have.”

Two years since she last spoke to her married lover, Nicola has a very different impression of their relationship and its impact. “I feel worse now because she’ll never know, she’ll go through her life thinking she has the perfect husband and father and she’ll never know who he really is,” Nicola said.

Seeing the photo of his wife made Nicola see the man she’d loved clearly for the first time. “Instead of seeing the tortured love of my life, I finally saw a liar, a manipulator, and a coward,” she said. “But I still think about him every single day — how he got to go back to his life like nothing happened, and I got to berate myself for months wondering what I’d done wrong.” She now views the affair as a big mistake. “He got to forget, I get to wonder if anything he told me or anything we shared was real,” she added. “No closure, just feeling like the stupidest girl in the whole world.”

Nicola told me the affair isn’t something she’s ever really spoken about. “Because you’re objectively in the wrong, no one really cares that there can be more to it.”

On our TV and movie screens, the other woman trope is oft presented as a clingy, sex-crazed home-wrecker consumed by jealousy. Think of Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction and Jeanne Tripplehorn in Sliding Doors. Hollywood stereotypes aside, I set out to find out what it’s actually like to be the other woman. Are they consumed with jealousy? Do they feel guilty about what they’re doing? Do they get a cheap thrill from running around behind people’s backs?

The answer to all of those questions is not at all what we’ve all been told to expect.

One woman — who prefers to remain anonymous — told me she had an affair with a much older married man who works in the same industry as her. “The intention from me anyway was never to start anything it took several months before we even started chatting in a sexual way but he kept pushing for it,” she told me. “I don’t blame him either. I did my part in this. But we did genuinely care for each other.”

“He would send me photos of himself while she was in the shower.”

“He was known as a bit of a Lothario, but we had real feelings for each other that built up over time,” she told me. “He was older, rich, more experienced. I wasn’t the only younger women he shagged in the industry, which I found out later.”

Back then, she thought she was in love because he was “sweet, kind, and tender.” In hindsight, she feels she had the wool pulled over her eyes. She described some of his riskier behaviour, which she believes was part of the appeal for him.

“He called me while they were on holiday as a family and before he got into bed with her. He would send me photos of himself while she was in the shower,” she said. “I am not proud of this, but it happened.”

She described herself as feeling jealous of his wife “but not in the way you might imagine.”

“I got upset because we were acting like a couple, but we couldn’t meet up and he couldn’t be there for me when I needed him. Because he wasn’t mine,” she said. That was the reason she ended the affair.

“I remember sitting at home after a horrible day (can’t remember now what had happened but suffice to say it was a crying moment) and I needed him, so tried to call him. But he was with her and wasn’t able to call me, much as he wanted,” she said.

In retrospect, she regrets “being as naive” she she was. “I think I would have regretted it more had she found out as I would never want to inflict that kind of pain on someone,” she added. “But the fact they are divorced helps, as I feel it was inevitable.”

This feeling of loneliness in a relationship is something that Amy Elizabeth Hill felt during two relationships with men who were ‘taken.’ One of those relationships was with a man who had a girlfriend. That girlfriend is now his wife and the mother of his child. Hill is no longer a part of his life.

So, is having an affair exciting? Or, does it have its lowpoints? “Always both,” said Hill.

“Being the other woman isn’t just about keeping a secret – you ARE the secret.”

That absence of reality means you can’t always rely on the adulterer for the kind of emotional support you’d get from a, err, less complicated relationship. “The two illegitimate relationships I found myself in both happened when I was emotionally spent and my self-worth was at rock bottom,” she added. “I was lonely all the time; being the other woman isn’t just about keeping a secret – you ARE the secret.”

The other women I spoke to all had very complicated feelings about the women whose boyfriends or husbands they were sleeping with.

One woman — who prefers to remain anonymous — tried not to think about the girlfriend of the man she was seeing. But that strategy didn’t exactly work out for her long-term.

“After we’d been seeing each other for a couple of months we became Facebook friends and that was the first time I saw her in his FB profile picture,” she said. “I was really, really jealous.” She talked to her friend — the only one who knew about her relationship — and spilled everything she knew about the girlfriend. “I said nasty things about her, which I regret. I was so jealous,” she said.

“He’d set out the ground rules at the beginning of our ‘relationship’ so I only got him one night a week if I was lucky. I never thought about her when we were together. But I did when we weren’t, especially if he stood me up because her plans changed,” she said.

“I flitted between absolutely hating myself and hating her. I was jealous of her and I felt terrible for her at the same time,” she explained. “I felt that by choosing to be with him I was actually choosing what kind of person I was and I didn’t particularly like the person I was choosing, but I really liked him.”

It’s an excuse as old as time, but an affair was never something she set out to do, she said. “I went into a relationship with him because I had and do have feelings for him. That doesn’t make it right but it also doesn’t mean that I’m some Jolene-esque man-stealer.”

She still sees him from time to time and feels guilty about her status as the other woman. “I don’t like myself for the decisions I make around him, but at the same time I can’t quite let go,” she added. “He’s like an addiction, and I think I’m the same for him. It’s bad for all of us and there are no winners in this situation.”

Judging by these women’s accounts, it seems there is truth in the idea that there are no winners.

Once you’ve got over the initial lust and the cheap thrill you get from having a dirty secret, the reality is far from sexy. Once you start to feel something more than lust for the person who cannot give you their all, the bloom starts to fade from the rose.

Even when you don’t get caught, karma can be a real bitch.

JOIN MY TAROT LOVERS COMMUNITY

Have you found yourself in a position where you are the ‘other woman’? Despite your resolve that you would never compromise yourself you have found yourself in love with a man who is only available to you some of the time?

Being involved with a man who has a wife or girlfriend is obviously not an ideal situation and one that conspires to trap you and hurt you in a toxic vortex.

However, there are some steps you can take to protect yourself and gain resolution and clarity

Tell Someone

Tell someone about the exact circumstances of the affair. Make sure the person you decide to tell is trustworthy. When you carry a secret, especially a secret where you are compromising your own values and beliefs as well as carrying guilt about your man’s family can be a horrible strain. You need someone who can give you support and perspective about what is really going on. When you get caught up in the feelings of being in love with someone it can be very difficult to separate truth from fiction, this is where a trusted friend can be invaluable.

Isolation

Don’t allow your partner to isolate you. As the other woman, you can find yourself constantly making yourself available just in case he calls or wants to spend time with you. This can cause you to withdraw from your life. If you lose your support system of friends or withdraw from family, it can be difficult to rebuild these relationships, and if you are in a space where you need help, there is no one to turn to. If you make him the center of your world, it gives this man control. Remember toxic toads will try and isolate you from friends and family in order to control you. If you become dependent on him, it makes it very difficult to leave the relationship.

Its a fantasy

When you are the other woman, you create a world of fantasy that both you and your man escape into. It is an unreal world where you are both on your best behaviour, which enables you to distract yourself from the real world. Remember you don’t know who this man is because you aren’t with him 24/7 you don’t see him when he is cranky or tired. You have time together and time apart which creates time for emotional recovery from the relationship. It means you always present yourself at your very best.

Be Real

He may tell you that you are the love of his life. That he would leave if only X, Y or Z were different. It can be easy to fall into the trap of believing you are special, and the world has conspired against you. The reality is you only have his word for it what his life is like, you don’t know whether he is enjoying having sex with both you and his girlfriend/wife. His words are just words, and you don’t know how many women he has said these words to before, he is having an affair with you, you are the other woman and he is living a lie, and so are you.

Remember you

Don’t forget to spend time on your self-care. This is incredibly important to help you keep your perspective. Take time out to look after yourself and create experiences for yourself where you learn and grow. The better you feel about yourself, the more likely you are to call boundaries and look for someone who can be available to you.

Have an escape route

Make sure you have a strategy to enable you to leave the relationship. Don’t allow yourself to become dependent upon this man, such as becoming a kept women. While it might be lovely not having financial worries if you withdraw from the world and become available to him in exchange for financial support you could trap yourself in the relationship being unable to leave. Don’t give control of your independence to someone else, without and income or a home, for example; you will have nowhere to go if things don’t work out and you become unsafe.

Timeline

Have a timeline when you expect to have a commitment from this man. Women can find themselves as the other woman for all sorts of reasons. One of the traps many women experience is being strung along with a series of stories that keep the affair going on and on. Don’t allow yourself to be a fallback girl for when things become difficult in his primary relationship. He is either making a decision and planning to be with your or he isn’t. If he isn’t you risk being a convenience until he decides to move on. Take control call your boundaries and set your timeline.

Don’t make empty threats

Don’t threaten to end the affair unless you really mean it. If you make a threat to try and force him to make a decision but have no intentions to follow through all you do is show him that you make empty threats. He will realise very quickly that all he has to do is weather the storm of your outburst but ultimately doesn’t have to make a decision. If you are in this situation as the other woman, think about the fact that your partner knows how upset you are, and still refuses to make a decision. This is not handling your heart with care and shows a heartless, selfish side to a man who says he loves you. If you threaten to end the relationship always follow through and be clear in your own mind that the end means the end. Ending the relationship taking a break and either contacting him or allowing him to contact you and then starting the affair again traps you in a toxic relationship pattern of on again off again.

Don’t get pregnant

Don’t think that if you become pregnant, it will force his hand to leave his partner. Having a baby is a life changing decision, and does not guarantee he will make a decision to choose you, you may successfully become a single mum, and still not have a commitment from him.

Don’t compromise yourself

Don’t fake pregnancies, or illnesses or other devious excuses to make him become anxious about you and try and force him to spend time with you. Ultimately you are just compromising yourself and trying to force a relationship. Why would you want to try and force someone to be with you who is struggling to make a commitment?

Don’t pursue him

Don’t be the one who chases him, ask yourself why you would spend so much time pursuing a Mr Unavailable. Why would you want to spend so much time and energy wanting to be with a man who cannot offer you a committed relationship, who is offering you attention ‘when he can’. Think about whether you are caught in a toxic relationship pattern of makeup and breakup where you are the one who chases and brings him back into the relationship. Why would he have to make a decision or try if he knows you will chase him?

Don’t blame his girlfriend/wife

His wife is frigid, a bitch, or crazy, he can’t leave her because she has a terminal illness or because financially he was so selfless he put everything in her name the list goes on. It can be tempting to believe everything he tells you. It makes the whole situation more bearable if you can distract yourself with your perception of what she is like rather than looking at the whole situation. He is having an affair with you, and he hasn’t left her. This is what is real, regardless of what she is like.

Don’t stalk him

If you start to feel yourself obsessing and wanting to know where he is and what he is doing, find out about his partner, or his kids this is stalking. If your stalking progresses from the odd look on social media to real life, you know you have a problem. This is about you trying to take back some control in your relationship; it is about you trying to justify the lies you know you have believed. Slow yourself down and think about what you are doing. Stalking, even online, is illegal. Don’t get yourself caught up in compromising yourself to prove someone else right or wrong. Listen to your instinct, and respect yourself. You don’t need proof to know he is cheating, the moment he is with you and concealing his life from his partner, regardless of the sort of person she is or is not, he is lying and being dishonest.

Make a choice for yourself.

Choose to give yourself the opportunity to have an intimate, committed relationship with someone who wants to be in your life. Stop being the other woman. Recognise that if you have been with this man for a long time that your relationship is unlikely to change. Whatever he says, if he really loved you he would recognise that he needs to make a decision and be with you full time. Don’t allow Mr Unavailable to cause you to second guess yourself, or believe you can’t get any better. You are so much better than being the other woman.

With Love

Elizabeth R-J

The Other Woman Isn’t a Home Wrecker

Hate to break your hatred bubble, but you’re focusing on the wrong person if you’re pissed at the woman your man cheated on you with. It’s not her fault he cheated. It’s not your fault he cheated. It’s his fault he cheated.

We don’t want to believe the man we love is trash, so we get mad at her. If she hadn’t seduced him he never would have cheated. Wrong-o. He cheated because he wanted to, and he’d have cheated with whoever was willing.

The wife doesn’t want to accept he’s not happy with her. Her ego can’t handle it. So if she controls his every move, and takes all temptation away, then he has no choice but to stay! Because that’s the dream, isn’t it? Someone staying with us because they have no choice? Out of obligation? Sets my romantic heart a flutter.

We don’t want to accept that we don’t own the person we’re in a relationship with. We can’t make them love us and we can’t make them want the same things as us. Unless you’re into emotional manipulation which is what most relationship advice is. We can only control who we are and what we do and that pisses us off.

Society wants to blame prostitutes for the existence of infidelity. “Well, if they weren’t selling their bodies my Morris would be home with me!” Negatory. Classic victim blaming. Men are gonna do what they want to do. PEOPLE are gonna do what they want to do.

We focus on the thing we think we can control: the outsider. Because we know we can’t control the wants and needs of the one we love. That’s easier than coming to terms with the fact we committed to someone who isn’t right for us, or that their wants and needs changed. The ego ain’t havin’ that.

Or really, is it a classic hatred of women and the need to believe we’re evil because men can’t stand that our feminine prowess has a hold on them? They can’t control themselves so it’s naturally our fault. Because the woman is always at fault, isn’t she?

  • Husband has an affair and the mistress is a home wrecker (and the wife is at fault for letting this happen).
  • Wife has an affair and… the wife is a home wrecker.

Wait, what? Zuh? The woman is at fault no matter what she does? Rad. Only one of those statements is true. (It’s the second one)

The Other Woman isn’t a home wrecker because it’s not her home to wreck.

It’s HIS home the husband is choosing to destroy. It’s HIS marriage vows he’s choosing to break. It’s HIS wife he’s choosing to betray. To hell with marriage, if you’re in an exclusive relationship and you made a commitment to be faithful to each other, the person who chooses to break that commitment is the home wrecker, not the one outside of it.

Katie Dutch — used with permission

We want to blame The Other Woman because we see our man’s cheating as our fault. We feel we must have done something wrong or he wouldn’t have done this. We must have caused this. We must be lacking in something, we must not be good enough.

What does this Other Woman have that I don’t? Why is she better than me? Is she younger, prettier, thinner, richer, sweeter, sexier, kinder, better? We focus on hating her so we can continue to ignore the things we feel insecure about in ourselves, and keep ignoring how wrong for us our partner really is.

Yeah, every once in a while someone is blindsided by a cheating scandal they never saw coming. But overwhelming chances are, if you were cheated on you weren’t that happy in that relationship and neither was your partner, and you knew it. There were issues there you were both ignoring. We don’t want to admit this because the ego is a bitch.

I was cheated on. And you know who I was pissed at? Him.

He’s the one who betrayed my trust and our exclusivity. He was the one who lied instead of leaving. I wasn’t a big fan of hers, either. I thought she was vapid, unattractive, basic, and a simpleton. But it wasn’t her fault he cheated on me, it was his fault for choosing to do so.

I knew I wasn’t happy, and despite his claims, I knew he wasn’t happy, either. If one of you ain’t happy, neither of you are. I was not blindsided by this betrayal. I watched it walk in my front door and lay down in my bed. Didn’t make it hurt any less.

It did cast a glaring light on all the ways we weren’t right for each other and I didn’t want to accept that. That meant if either of us ever wanted to be happy… to hell with him, if I ever wanted to be happy, this was all going to have to come to an end. It’s hard to watch that bridge you’ve been walking on break off into shards before you.

Loving someone does not make them right for you.

Everyone still wants to hate on Angelina Jolie for breaking up Brad Pitt and Jennifer Anniston’s marriage. But Angie didn’t break up their marriage, Brad did. Brad chose to betray Jen. But he’s hot and we don’t want to think for one second that it’s possible for hot people to do bad things. (See: Ted Bundy)

If you’re in a committed relationship and you make the conscious choice, day in and day out, time and again, to betray your partner, that makes you the asshole, not the poor sap you’re cheating with. They have their own problems.

Notice I keep saying “choose”. Don’t ever forget it’s a choice and the person who deserves your anger is the person who broke their promise to you. Does this cause less drama and excitement? Yes, it may screw up your chances of getting cast on a reality TV show, but don’t let your partner off the hook for what they chose to do by blowing up at The Other Woman.

Focus your energy where it deserves to be: on yourself, your self-worth, and choosing to be with someone who honors and respects that. And it ain’t the one who wronged you.

How I Stopped Worrying About ‘The Other Woman’

“I am afraid to show you who I really am, because if I show you who I really am, you might not like it–and that’s all I got.” ― Sabrina Ward Harrison

As I sat down on the floor with a big grin on my face, he stood up, reached his hand above the wardrobe and pulled out a box.

“It’s filled with all the little things my friends have given me since school,” he said proudly, with a glimmer of nostalgia in his eyes.

I loved everything about gifts and memories, so I took the box into my own hands and began sifting through it.

Trinkets, I would call them. Whoever said only women kept little things? Inside were a kaleidoscope of curios. Friendship bands, a tiny book with quotes about love, a scrapbook filled with photographs (as scrapbooks tend to be), keyrings, sketches.

He said friends, but it was almost all from her, his first love.

“It’s beautiful that you keep all the little things,” I said, ignoring the lump in my throat and trying hard to stretch the corners of my lips into a smile.

I will fill that box up with my love, I thought. So much that he wouldn’t even see hers amidst it.

Over the next six months of our short-lived relationship, I took it upon myself to ensure that I did indeed fill up that box with my love.

Books, 20-page-letters, photographs, little notes of love, memories from places we visited together, drawings of those memories. My gifts were dowsed in genuine affection and drizzled with a vying to erase her.

I didn’t want to be just another name. Just another person like the many who came before me and the many who may be there after me.

I wanted to make a mark, to leave a mark.

Did I succeed?

Well, we parted ways on less than cordial terms after a while. As for her, she remains his dear friend till date. So I am going to say no, I did not succeed, not in what I set out to do anyway.

But I would like to think that I did grow a little wiser from the experience.

A letter to the other woman

The WifeFollow Feb 13, 2018 · 5 min read

Every day I wake up, and for the first moments I feel peace. I have my family, and what a gift they are. My husband and my girls give me all the love I need.

And then I remember. I remember the feeling when I saw the first suspect text message between you and him. You said ‘I think I just need my yoga teacher back’. Good, I thought. We were not in a good place, for a range of reasons that you will never understand (despite what you think you know). But it looked as though you were backing off and I was prepared to stop digging and let things resolve themselves. I resisted every tempation to confront you both, threw as much love as I could at the situation, and focussed on the future.

And we got on with our lives together. We bought a house and decided to have a baby. But then you started turning up at his classes again. Messaging and calling and offering him that special brand of attention a man falls for when he needs validation. The kind of attention a woman who has absolutely no stake in the game, no responsibilities with this man, no life to organise, or kids to parent, or bills to pay can give. For someone who hangs her hat on how intelligent she is, your strategy with my husband was remarkably cliched and transparent. Not to him, obviously, but I knew exactly what kind of person you were from the first time he told me about the student who had opened up to him after class that day.

I remember the feeling when I knew you had crept back in. The hidden messages on his phone. When I knew he wasn’t where he said he was. When he called you, drunk, at 3am because he was obviously trying to spend the night with you. I was 10 weeks pregnant at the time. When I knew you’d been in my home by the bottle of wine you left behind.

And I remember the feeling of my heart sinking to my stomach and then breaking in to a million pieces when, with my newborn baby in the next room, I saw his messages to you describing your apparent prowess in the bedroom. And that he missed you.

It didn’t matter that your affair had ended some months before. In that moment, my world changed forever. Everything looked different. So this is what it’s like, I thought. This is my life now. I can never not know this happened.

You have no way of understanding this now, but growing and carrying human life is the most amazing and most vulnerable time of a woman’s life. To know that you continued to sink your teeth in to my husband and my marriage when I was pregnant with our first child together makes me sick to my stomach. To know that it continued, and that you continued to pressure him to leave me, even after I had given birth to our baby girl, is uncomprehendingly evil. Not to mention the absolute disregard for the commitment he had made to me and his stepdaughter, who completely idolises him.

Regardless of what you think you know about me or my marriage, there is absolutely no way to justify your actions. You actually know nothing at all about us. You got a blinkered, biased view of things from the perspective of a complex man who was deeply hurt and scared, and who acted like a coward instead of dealing with his emotions head on.

You don’t know that he didn’t leave because the only thing he wanted was for our marriage to work.That he would see you, then call me and tell me how much he loved me and how much he wanted us to have a long and happy future together. That every day during my pregnancy he told me how beautiful I was and how excited he was for our next chapter together.

It wasn’t right, and it makes me feel sick to think about how he could be so two-faced. But it’s important that you know that you didn’t have the full picture either. Your world should look very different now too.

At no point did you ever have the integrity to say you know what? This is wrong. No matter how I feel or what I want, there is a marriage and children at stake here. At no point did you support him to make the right choice. You were, and I imagine continue to be, so obsessed with your own needs and desires that you were absolutely prepared to destroy me and my family to get it.

But regardless of how close you think you came to getting what you wanted, you would have never even touched the sides of what I am capable of when it comes to the love I have for my family. You have no idea about our history and what we have battled together, to be together.

You chose the wrong wife to compete with. You didn’t stand a chance. Sorry.

In fact, through all of this, we have risen stronger and more in love than we could have ever imagined. I will not thank you for that. I only tell you this to show you what actual love is. It’s standing through the storm. It’s putting the needs of others before your own ego and arrogance. It’s facing the ugly truths of the situation and saying I will love you through this and put my pride aside for the sake of our love and our family. It’s about battling the absolute darkest of times with humility and grace, not fear and anger. It’s about what is true and right, not what you want or think you need.

But every single day my heart breaks all over again when I remember. It’s a daily battle. I am truly broken by what you’ve done. I don’t think that you care about that now. But one day, when you find the love you’re looking for and fall pregnant, I want my pain to be etched on to your brain. So you can feel what it’s like to be so brutally attacked in your most vulnerable state. And when you have a baby and hold that precious life in your hands, I want you to feel the pain of what it’s like to create such perfection and then have that memory forever marred by the selfish, malicious and hateful actions of the woman who decided your husband could be hers for the taking and stopped at nothing to try and make that happen.

Every day I remember. And, as hard as you will try to rationaIise your choices, I hope you never forget.

Need help learning how to deal with being the other woman. Then you will be very interested in this reader’s question to our Ask the Dating Coach. Get heartfelt advice on what being the other woman means for you and your relationship.

How to Deal with Being the Other Woman Advice

Reader Question

I have been talking to this man I met last year who is separated from his wife. We began to have a very intense relationship until the wife discovered the two of us and decided to come back for all the wrong reasons. He then broke it off with me, which extremely hurt, but left it alone. After 4 months, he contacted me again to tell me they were done for good. So we picked up right where we had left it. It’s now been six months where we have acted like friends (with benefits) to other people. Until one day I told him exactly how I felt, that I was in love with him and I would like a real relationship. Since then, he has pushed away from me. So, I talked to him and said that I think it would be better if we don’t talk until i can accept that we are only friends. He said to me that he doesn’t know what will happen but he doesn’t want to hurt me. Now I am starting to freak out because I am so used to talking to him but for the last three days I haven’t heard from him. What should I do? I don’t want to loose him but I can’t make him see how much I love him.~~Susan

Expert Reply

Dear Susan,

I don’t think the problem with your guy is that he can’t see how deeply you love him. I think the problem with your relationship is that this guy doesn’t feel as deeply about you as you feel for him. Which is understandable given that he either is currently married and trying to reunite with his wife or he is currently married and trying to end the relationship. Whichever he is working through with his wife, his emotions are involved with her. This would explain why he is avoiding you, because you care deeply for him and that is one more strain on his time and his own emotions. He can’t compartmentalize both relationships.

The man you fell in love with is only a portion of the whole man. This is why affairs and or dating someone who is newly separated rarely works out. The reason is that a partner who is still involved in a previous relationship is unable to give his complete attention to the new interest. This is your experience with the man you care about. He started a relationship with you before he completely ended the relationship with his wife. It was like he was in two relationships at the same time; one that was new, exciting and fresh and one with someone he had history and memories with, someone he was committed to.

While it is easy to be angry at the wife, if he had been completely through with his marriage he would not have gone back to his wife to work on their relationship. This knowledge may be why you hurt so much. You fell hard and fast for a guy you believed was available and ready for a relationship with you only to discover this was not the case at all. While it won’t be easy to let go, it is all you can do. You can let him go with your dignity and self-respect intact.

In time you will hurt less, but how you handle this situation now will last a lifetime. By letting him work through his relationship with his wife without inferring you are also showing grace and courage. Should his marriage not work out and he ends it and comes back to you, he will have come back knowing that he gave his marriage everything he could and it did not work out. He will not carry around guilt or regret. This means that he then will be free to give himself to you completely. Then, because you acted with grace and dignity, you will have no doubts or regrets about your own behaviors should he come back to you.

~~Lori

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