Boyfriend doesn’t listen to me

Why Doesn’t She/He Listen To Me? 10 Possibilities

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Nothing erodes a sense of personal empowerment like not feeling heard. What may be going on in someone else’s head when you try to offer a perspective and it’s ignored, brushed aside, or automatically negated?

In my clinical practice, I see again and again that not feeling heard often leads to depression, feeds into anxiety, or invites anger. (My TEDx talk on lifting depression, for instance, describes a case in which this issue proved to be central to both the cause of depressed feelings and the cure.) Feeling consistently unheard also suggests that work frustrations or marriage problems could be on the road ahead—or that they’ve already arrived.

Initially, another’s dismissal of your viewpoint is likely to evoke a bit of anxiety. If it continues, being ignored or negated probably will engender irritation and eventually even anger. Consistently being ignored by someone of import to you also can invite depression. Depression is, in some instances, a disorder of power. If what you say is not being taken seriously, you will likely feel disempowered.

What could be going on when listening blockages occur?

1. S/he doesn’t listen to you because of confirmation bias and cognitive dissonance.

Most people open their ears to information that confirms what they already believe, and, alas, close them to disconfirmatory information. If I already believe, for instance, that religious affiliations augment life, I will be quite open to research that suggests the benefits of prayers. If my belief is that religion is the opiate of the masses, however, I will be highly skeptical of positive reports about the impacts of prayer.

Because of confirmation bias, people tend to listen to people who express opinions that are similar to theirs. Politics, in particular, brings out this unfortunate reality. People with left-wing political assumptions, for instance, may be much more likely to tune in to MSNBC, which may feed them further information that supports their prior beliefs. People with right-wing political assumptions, on the other hand, may be much more likely to watch Fox News. Neither group’s adherents will tend to listen to the other group’s newscasters—and if they do, they may be more likely to disparage than to take seriously what they hear.

Cognitive dissonance plays a role here, too. If you like someone, you are likely to be interested in hearing their perspectives. If you are angry at someone, your knee-jerk reaction is likely to be to reject what they say as wrong, unimportant, or otherwise not worth listening to. In other words, we take in information if it feels consonant with how we feel, either about the speaker or about the issue itself.

Both confirmation bias and cognitive dissonance make us prone to reject dissonant data—that is, data that differs from what we previously have believed or that is spoken by someone toward whom we harbor negative feelings. If negative political talk has convinced us that we should not like a particular politician, for instance, we are unlikely to listen seriously to that politician’s ideas about what our city or nation needs.

2. S/he doesn’t listen to you because of narcissism.

The essence of narcissistic tendencies is a stance of “I know best—thus, others’ perspectives are not worth listening to.” These all-about-me and I’m-always-right stances lead individuals with narcissistic tendencies to do a lot of talking with minimal listening. When they do listen, they typically do so only to dismiss or show what’s wrong with what others say, rather than to take in new information.

The worst listener I personally have ever encountered in my clinical practice turned out to be a highly successful professional baseball player. Guess what position he played? He was a pitcher. He believed in throwing but not in catching. Mr. Pitcher tossed out information to people, but had little to no interest in hearing what others (especially his wife) had to say in response—unless it was praise or other positive input about how great he was.

Teenagers, alas, tend to specialize in narcissistic stances. They often believe that they know best. Listening to Mom or Dad can easily feel to them like an action that would compromise their integrity as emerging independent individuals.

In any case, there’s good news here. If your teenager offers habitual but responses, point it out to him or her. A butting listener who has become aware of the habit may be willing to learn to respond instead with “Yes, and at the same time…”

3. S/he doesn’t listen to you because of anger.

Anger opens the mouth and closes the ears. Intense anger, especially, diminishes listening capacity. The more anger, the greater the inability to take in new information. Have you ever tried talking with someone who is in the middle of a rage? You might as well talk to a statue, in terms of how much of what you say will be heard.

As with narcissistic listening, if someone who is mad does “hear” you, it will likely be just to knock away what you have said with reasons why it’s wrong. Expect what you say to be met with “But…” Anger can sometimes create narcissistic-like functioning—i.e., “What I believe and want is correct, and what you believe and want is irrelevant.”

4. Distrust blocks the intake of information.

Once you have said or done something mean, hurtful, or dishonest to someone, that person is likely to remain wary of whether you are for or against him or her. Once shattered, trust is slow to heal.

Just as we spit out food that we think may be spoiled—and therefore toxic—we reject information from those who appear to be more enemy than friend.

5. S/he doesn’t listen to you because they’re treating you the way you treat yourself.

How well do you listen to your own quiet voices? When something within you speaks—says, “I’m tired,” for example—do you listen? Or do you instead ignore that inner voice?

Listeners subjectively tend to mirror speakers’ attitudes toward themselves. If you like yourself, others will tend to like you. If you listen to yourself, others are more likely to listen to you. If you “but” yourself (“But I have too much to do to go to sleep now”), others are likely to subconsciously do the same.

6. S/he doesn’t listen to you because of your aggressive manner.

Everything we say comes with an invisible—and yet clearly perceptible—tag on it that says either “You’re okay” or “You’re not okay.”

Even a slight tone of irritation, complaint, or criticism is likely to evoke defensive responses. Defensive responses block hearing, in order to prevent the “you’re not okay” message from penetrating the other’s sense of self.

If your messages are not going through, check your tone of voice, as well as your general attitude. Hostile tones invite others to defend against what you’re saying, instead of listening to it.

7. S/he doesn’t listen to you because of your quiet or loud voice; because you talk too fast or too slow; because of the uprising tone at the end of your sentences; because you string together too much data with excessive ands.

Listening effectively occurs only within a relatively narrow bandwidth. If a speaker’s voice is too loud or too soft, or if the words come out either too fast or too slowly, listeners may turn away.

Pay attention, too, to the common mistake of ending each statement as if it were a question—that is, with a melody that goes up (signaling a question mark) instead of down (signaling a period). “This room is too hot?” is less likely to lead a listener to turn on an air conditioner than “This room is too hot.”

Similarly, beware of linking multiple thoughts with “and.” Run-on sentences turn off readers of written documents; they also turn off the ears of listeners. “I went to the store and saw Jack there and realized that I had left the oven on and so I ran out without even saying goodbye and I’ve been wondering ever since if I hurt his feelings and now I would like to…” No matter how interesting your comments are, run-on sentences are a listening turn-off.

Parents of teenagers are especially at risk—with or without too many ands—for offering more information than their child will be willing to listen to. Specializing in the three-sentence rule (no more than three sentences per comment) can increase the odds that a teenager will keep his or her ears open when parents are talking.

8. S/he doesn’t listen to you because of you’ve been giving advice instead of information.

It’s normal for family members, friends, colleagues, and even a boss to tell their troubles to others. Does that mean that they want advice? Unlikely. Information, yes; advice, no. What’s the difference?

Information empowers others to make their own decisions. “Planting flowers before June in Colorado often results in lots of frozen, never-to-grow-again plants.” Advice, by contrast, risks undermining others’ sense of personal empowerment—especially when it is given with insistence that it should be done in a particular way.

“Wait to plan your flowers until after June 1st. You’d be making a huge mistake if you don’t follow that rule.” Your information may be right—but at the same time, your insistence is likely to block your listener’s receptivity.

9. S/he doesn’t listen to you because you use repetitive words, such as “like” or “you know.”

Repeated non-meaningful words clog a conversation like garbage can clog up the kitchen sink. “I went into town, you know, yesterday. Like, it was so hot out, I thought I’d like melt in the bus.”

Because teenagers learn language habits from peers as well as from home, they are especially at risk for picking up this off-putting habit that, unfortunately, decreases parents’ interest in listening.

10. Others don’t listen to you because they treat you the way you treat them.

“Before you criticize me, better look at yourself.” Those words from a famous song offer perennially helpful advice. Maybe the person you want to have hear you better has been getting short-changed on the listening end, too—from you. Are you too often dismissive, minimizing the import of what others tell you? Do you only listen to show them what’s wrong with what they’ve said, instead of listening for what’s valuable?

If you have not been listening to them, the odds zoom downward that they will hear you. The good news here is that pretty much everyone else wants to be heard—just like you do. (To assess your own listening skills, you might want to try the quiz in an earlier post I’ve written on listening patterns.)

If someone who is important in your life continues not to listen, just remember: Diagnosis is the first step to treatment. Understanding how you may be contributing to the listening blockages is especially helpful because you can change your own behavior quite easily. As the saying goes, where there’s a will, there’s a way.

To get yourself heard more effectively, remember the rule of sameness: More of the same will get you more of the same. Think of the challenge of getting heard as a fun opportunity for creative thinking—and let those creative juices flow.

What to do if you have a partner who doesn’t listen

Communication is the cornerstone of any successful relationship. But if your partner doesn’t listen to you — or at least, that’s how you perceive it — serious problems can arise.

“It’s not about a debate; it’s about understanding the feelings that are activated by the conversation, or lack of conversation, that’s going on,” says Dr. Doug Saunders, a clinical psychologist, couples therapist and founder of Clear Path Solutions in Toronto.

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Oftentimes, your partner’s seeming unwillingness to listen is part of a larger issue — one that could very well have nothing to do with you.

“There’s probably some degree of your partner not listening to you if that’s how you perceive it, but the reasons may not have anything to do with you,” Saunders says. “They could be carrying around feelings related to something else entirely.”

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The only way to get to the root of the issue is to discuss it.

Talk it out and define ‘listening’

There are ways to indicate to your partner that you’re listening to what they’re saying.

“If someone is accusing you of not listening, there could be a breakdown in what listening means to each of you,” says Amber Mckenzie, a marital and family psychologist at CBT Associates in Toronto. “When we get to a place where we’re saying, ‘Forget it, you won’t listen to me,’ that’s a sign that our feelings have been hurt. You need to figure out what’s getting in the way of your communication.”

Being present, and displaying the actions of a person who is present, will certainly help. In other words, put down your phone, turn off the television and give your partner your full attention. Both members of the couple need to be accessible, responsive and engaged.

READ MORE: How to manage differences in religious beliefs in a relationship

You can also be explicit with your partner about what “listening” looks like to you, whether it’s eye contact or some other physical sign.

“Define what it looks like and what you want,” Mckenzie says.

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Don’t jump to conclusions

It’s a mistake — and dangerous — to chalk up his or her failure to listen to a character flaw.

“This is what happens when couples are in distress; they start to blame each other in generic ways,” Saunders says. “When in fact, what those feelings are and where they come from, is your feeling of being shut out by the person who’s most important to you.”

There’s a possibility that your partner is dealing with issues outside of your relationship, which could be contributing to their perceived lack of attention. Saunders says to try to understand what’s at the root of your partner’s behaviour before assuming they don’t care about your needs or emotions.

“There’s a part of the brain that lights up and releases the feel-good chemical oxytocin when we feel connected to a person in an intimate way, but when that emotional attachment appears to be fraying, the little friction points in your relationship can seem much more significant,” he says.

READ MORE: 5 signs you’re falling out of love

Keep that in mind before jumping to conclusions or attacking your partner’s character.

Look at your own behaviour

“It’s easy to point the finger at your partner and what you believe they’re doing wrong, but you need to look at yourself too,” Mckenzie says. “What pattern are you stuck in? What can you do differently to get the reaction you want?”

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Consider how you address your partner, whether it’s with anger or contempt or reprimand, and your reaction when you perceive their lack of attention. Minor shifts like that can make all the difference and help your partner to understand how important their participation and attentiveness is to you.

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When you are in love with someone, you expect them to care about you and listen to you when you talk. When your boyfriend constantly ignores you, it hurts your self-confidence. You wonder why he does not care about you and why he is neglecting you. While this may be just a part of his personality, it could also be a potential sign that relationship trouble is in your future.

Nothing hurts your relationship like not being able to talk to your partner. When you do not feel like you are being heard, you start to shut down. The best relationships are based on trust and open communication, so it is important to figure out why your boyfriend doesn’t listen to you when you talk and how to solve the problem.

1. Confirmation Bias

This is a psychological term that means people tend to listen to things that confirm what they already believe. If you say something that contradicts their beliefs, they are less likely to listen. While there might be other reasons why your boyfriend doesn’t listen to you when you talk, this is one of the reasons why he might be less inclined to believe what you say sometimes.

2. Cognitive Dissonance

This is another psychological term. When someone is angry or upset, they are less likely to listen. Their automatic reaction is to say that you are wrong or not important enough to hear. This type of response means that your boyfriend is less likely to listen to what you say if he is angry at you for some reason.

3. He Is Not a Good Listener

Many women complain because their boyfriends or husbands do not really listen to them. This is unfortunately a very common problem. People like to focus on themselves and what they did. If they view something as less important—like a hobby that you love and he is not interested in–, then they are less likely to listen to it. Listening skills take time, so talk to your boyfriend about the problem and be patient while he learns how to be a better listener.

4. He Doesn’t Care

While this is rarely the case, it could be the potential reason why he does not listen. If your boyfriend views you as just a fling or a back up option, then he will not want to put a lot of time and effort into the relationship. Without even realizing it, he dismisses your views because he just doesn’t care that much about how you feel or think.

5. He Is Too Busy

In modern life, people are frequently too busy with work or school to sit down and have an honest conversation. Perhaps his mind is focused on a big project at work or an exam that is coming up. There might be a problem with his family or friends that is distracting him constantly. If you know that he is busy or stressed out, then just wait because this situation may change.

How to Decide If You have a Problem

Sometimes, a boyfriend who never listens is a sign of a problem in the relationship. In other relationships, it is just who he is or a sign he is busy. To decide if this is a problem, you should start by looking at if his behavior has changed. If he has never been a good listener, then it probably is not something you should worry about right away. You obviously need to get him to listen better to keep the relationship going, but his lack of listening is just who he is and how he normally responds.

If, on the other hand, he suddenly stops listening, then there is something that you need to worry about. When your boyfriend’s behavior suddenly changes, it could be a sign that he wants to break up with you or is not committed to the relationship anymore. His behavior could also change suddenly because of a new problem at work or school. You have to figure out why his behavior changed before you can decide if it is a serious problem.

If the reason why he is not listening is because he wants to break up with you, then that may be your only option. If he is just a bad listener or stressed out at work, your next step is to talk to him about it. Try to be open and kind so that he does not get defensive. Let him know that it hurts when he does not listen, and you want to work on communicating better as a couple. He should feel like this is something you can work on together and you are not trying to accuse him of anything. The goal is to get him to work on the relationship, so the last thing that you want is for him to be offended or upset.

5 Signs He Doesn’t Care About Your Feelings & Doesn’t Take The Relationship Seriously

From time to time, everybody makes excuses and compromises in your relationship. One thing that should never be compromised, however, is being treated with care and respect. A partner can tell you that they love you a million times a day, but those words are empty if they also disregard the way you feel. Taking every opportunity to turn the conversation into one about them, dismissing your emotions or claiming that they are “too much,” or treating you like an accessory to their life are all signs he doesn’t care about your feelings and isn’t about to change.

And while there is a difference between someone who is a bit withholding with displays of affection and someone who just downright disregards you, not being willing to do things that make you happy is another sign. If your partner really cared about your happiness, then no act would seem too silly or beneath them to perform. You wouldn’t feel like you needed to prove your worth to them, because you would already know how much he values you.

If any of these statements sound like your partner, then understand that just because they don’t value your emotions, doesn’t mean your feelings don’t have worth. Your emotions are a part of you, and a relationship requires reciprocal care and support. You don’t need someone to prove that to you. You already have yourself.

1. “If You Wanted To Sleep With One Of My Friends, I Wouldn’t Care.”

A possessive or jealous partner is no good, but neither is one who is completely nonchalant about the physical relationships you might have with other people. If your partner is ambiguous about their feelings when it comes to you sleeping with other people, then that means they don’t really cherish you. They aren’t practicing non-possession; they’re actually being dismissive. They’re not asking you about whether you want to sleep with one of their friends, are they?

If they cared about your feelings, then they wouldn’t treat you like a piece of meat to be passed around a circle of friends. The only time that anyone says something like this is to either a) distance themselves from the relationship, or b) excuse their own behavior. It isn’t cute, funny, or open. It’s just plain old rude.

2. “No, You’re The One Who Doesn’t Appreciate Me.”

If every time you have an argument — or for that matter, a conversation — with your partner, you find that they are turning the topic back onto themselves, then that means they are basically too caught up in their own self to care about your feelings. On top of that, they might just be a narcissist.

Someone with a selfish personality will talk about themselves more in the first few months of dating than they listen to you. Granted, sometimes, people talk about themselves a lot out of nerves, but if you have been dating for more than a month, and they still don’t listen to you, then I’d be willing to guess they have at least one narcissistic streak.

Whenever you try to broach your feelings about your relationship, a selfish partner will disregard your emotions and make it all about them instead. In these kinds of relationships, there really isn’t ever going to be room enough for two people. You’re better off finding someone who can hold space for you, and they’re better off by themselves.

3. “I Get That Going On Dates Matters To You, But Couple-y Things Just Feel Really Corny To Me.”

This phrase is often uttered by that sneakiest species of partners: the f*ck boys (and potentially, the f*ck girls). Now, speaking as a past f*ck boy, I can confidently say that most of us do actually care about your feelings. We are just emotionally stunted at the time that we meet, and that’s why we are incapable of having a real relationship and resort to sucking you dry of all your resources instead.

However, there are f*ck boys/girls who legitimately don’t give two hoots about the person they are sleeping with and really just want to get some. These relationships might easily resemble real ones, except for you never go out — and when you vocalize that that is something you want, the f*ck boy-disguised-as-boyfriend immediately shoots it down because it doesn’t sound like something he wants to do.

When you’re with someone who cares about your feelings, they’re willing to put up with some things that you want to do, even if you have slightly different opinions about what constitutes a good date. Those are the kinds of compromises that have to be a part of a relationship, because it improves the happiness of you as a couple overall. If they aren’t making those compromises, then they don’t really care about the well-being of the relationship, and therefore, they don’t really care about you.

4. “I Don’t Understand Why You’re Friends With Such Basic People.”

A partner who cares about your feelings will never insult the people you care about. A partner who wants to place a wedge between you and your friends or who puts down your friends as some backhanded way of paying you a compliment does not care about your feelings. They’re either trying to separate you from your social circle so that they can have you all to themselves, or they’re expressing a genuine disdain for a really important piece of your life.

A partner who cares about your feelings will also want you to spend time with your friends — because they know that they make you feel good! Never be with someone who puts you in the position of choosing between them and other people you care about. If they really cared, they wouldn’t do that to you.

5. “I Can’t Even Deal With You Right Now.”

You should never feel like a burden in your relationship. It’s a pretty simple rule: If someone is making you feel like a burden on purpose, then they not only don’t care about your feelings in a relationship, but they basically want to make you feel bad. When a person puts their partner down like this, it’s to bolster their own fragile self-esteem by making it seem as though you are the person who is difficult in a relationship.

I used to have a boyfriend who would say this to me, usually after I tried to initiate any kind of conversation about where things were going or how we were doing. He made it seem like I wasn’t the cool, chill girl he had started dating at first — and like that was a bad thing. Checking in on a relationship is necessary to its health, and so is expressing your feelings and discomforts. No one should ever make you feel like it is a bad thing.

No one should make you feel like it is “too much” to be in a relationship with you or that you need to make yourself smaller in order to fit into the space they have built for you. If that’s the case, you have probably outgrown your uncaring partner and your relationship.

Next time they tell you that they can’t deal with you, tell them that you can’t deal with them or this relationship. Then, get your things, and head for the door.

Check out the “Best of Elite Daily” stream in the Bustle App for more stories just like this!

Husband Doesn’t Listen To My Feelings: He Doesn’t Listen To My Feelings

Husband Doesn’t Listen To My Feelings: He Doesn’t Listen To My Feelings

Like all marriages, your marriage was also made in heaven; but with time earthly reality strikes leaving you wondering several times in a day whether your husband is the same man you married and how you can make your husband fall madly in love all over again. They say the mind of the woman is complex but the mind of the man can also be a quagmire of complicated feelings and emotions making it impossible for the wife to know exactly what he is going through. In case you too are going through a similar situation and find him gradually distancing himself from you – it is time to think how to make your husband fall madly in love. Of course, this is subject to your own desires to save the marriage. There are various proven ways to make your husband fall madly in love all over again and rekindle that passion which you once witnessed in him. So, before you plan your second honeymoon, you have to know how to make your husband fall madly in love, and cement your relationship once again.

What do I really need to do to make my spouse love me again? Is it possible to build massive attraction in my spouse?

To learn the killer, advanced strategies to save your marriage, simply

The eternal quest to explore the unknown has triggered the interest of a man from time immemorial. Exploring a wife is no exception. When he married you, what kept him happy during the initial years was that he was continuously exploring the woman he hardly knew. But over time, familiarity with the same woman has started to bore him. Therefore, to make your husband fall madly in love, develop an aura of mystery about you. Just the way you were when you first met him. Make sure that there is something new and changing about you every other day. Last week you hated to go for jogging, this week you love it. Yesterday you hated that red dress (which he bought you for your birthday) but today you are ready to flaunt it in front your friends. What you are essentially trying to do is to appear new and unknown to your bored husband as this is a sure way to make your husband fall madly in love. Start reading a new author, listening to some other kind of music, cook something which he least expects and the list can be endless. The more mysterious and unpredictable you get better chances you have to make your husband fall madly in love.

When was the last time you surprised him with a text message saying you were missing him, while he was traveling on work? When was the last time you invited him for a candle-lit dinner at that quaint little restaurant down the road? When was it last that you bought him something special exclusively for his use? If you really think hard, perhaps you have forgotten to do all these small things thinking they were insignificant. This is the biggest mistake we make when we take our husbands for granted. Therefore to make your husband fall madly in love, you might have to re-work on your ‘loving’ strategies once again. Let us face it, these small but meaningful gestures does not cost much and does not take too much effort. Remember everyone wants to be loved, hugged, and touched and to feel special. Your husband is human first and then your husband. Caring does not mean saying ‘I love you’ sixteen times in a day – you could show your love in small ways which take him by surprise. Once your husband understands in the core of his heart that he is the most special person in your life, chances are high that you can make your husband fall madly in love all over again. They say that some men are very difficult to please – even then, there are some factors which ought to make him go weak on his knees. There is none other in this world who knows about such weak links than you. Apply your knowledge about your husband to successfully make your husband fall madly in love.

Pay Close Attention Here-

Now listen carefully! Take 2 minutes to read the next page and you’ll discover a stunning trick which will make your spouse love you for the rest of their lives even if they are this close to walking out the door. There is a set of easy to follow psychological tricks which will save your marriage and get you back to that place you once were – in love, committed and excited about the future – within a few days guaranteed. I strongly urge you to read everything on the next page before it’s too late and time runs out-

Here’s a riddle for you – what do Pope Francis and Dr. Phil have in common?

Answer: They’ve both been quoted recently talking about the importance of couples in relationships addressing and resolving problematic issues at the time that they arise. Both men encouraged couples to deal quickly with the problems and frictions that inevitably arise in relationships.

Pope Francis advises, “… never let a day go by without restoring peace to your home.” (from his 2014 Valentine’s Day speech to engaged couples)

People have many different reasons for not addressing things as they occur. Sometimes it’s a (misguided) belief that the incident is too small to be worth talking about. While it can be useful “not to sweat the small stuff”, lots of “small stuff” tends to accumulate and become big stuff. You don’t have to be mortally wounded by something your partner did or said, or failed to do or say, for it to be worthy of discussion. If you talk about it while it’s small, it can be addressed, resolved, and disposed of with a minimum of fuss and emotion. If it sits and festers, or if it accumulates with multiple repetitions, it becomes big and painful. Now the emotion will be high and the relationship impact greater. What started out as a paper cut has now become a deep laceration requiring a lot more repair work to be healed.

Sometimes people hold off bringing up an issue because it feels TOO important. There may be a fear that you and your partner can’t come to a satisfactory resolution of something you consider really important. A partner can be so anxious that this could happen and that it could destabilize the relationship that it feels safer not to talk about it. The problem here of course is that problems of this importance won’t just go away and never return. Not talking about it is a short term way of avoiding a long term issue that is bound to show up again. Talking about it while it’s here and now can keep it from becoming a bigger issue later, when emotions may run much higher because of the delay. Trust your partner to join you in working to find a resolution that serves both of you and the relationship.

What if your spouse don’t love you anymore? Here’s how to get them addicted to you like when you fell in love for the first time

Sometimes people refrain from addressing things in the hope that the partner will mystically intuit the need for something to be talked about or fixed. This is a way to effectively double your disappointment. First was the disappointment of the problematic issue that occurred. And now you’ve added on the disappointment of your partner failing to be a mind-reader. It’s disrespectful of your partner and of your relationship to play with this kind of fantasy. Act like a responsible adult and be the one to initiate the necessary conversation. Wouldn’t you want to be treated with the same kind of respect?

Sometimes people don’t address things in a timely way because they’re afraid that they’ll look like complainers, fault-finders, or whiners. So they just keep sucking up the offense, anxiety, wound, or outrage. At the outset they may look easygoing and chill. As time goes by things tend to evolve in one of two ways – either the silent person eventually erupts in rage fueled by many accumulated events or that person eventually grows cold and hard toward the partner and the relationship. Neither outcome is a winner. Don’t believe that the only way to address an issue is negatively. The best and most effective way to address a problematic issue is to use “I statements” that express YOUR feeling or need without the accusatory attitude of a “you statement”. For example, a good “I statement” would be something like, “I get worried when I don’t hear from you and you’re much later than usual getting home.” This is in contrast to an accusatory “you statement” like, “You are so inconsiderate. Why can’t you call?!”

So, follow Dr. Phil’s and Pope Francis’s advice – bring peace to your home by dealing with things right away while they’re small and manageable. Let each day come to a peaceful close after open and meaningful communication that has shown respect, trust, and affection.

Next, to find out why your spouse is lying to you about the reasons they want a divorce. Follow the information step by step and you will discover the truth, cut through the lies and pain, stop divorce dead in its tracks, and rebuild the strong, intimate marriage you’ve always wanted… even if your spouse doesn’t want to!

Save your marriage now and visit Save The Marriage

If your marriage is in crisis, how will you know? And what will you do about it? You may find answers to these two crucial questions in this piece of writing.

The answer to the first question about your marriage being in crisis is simple. You just need to take note of the warning signs that will be visible to any observer. Sometimes, a crisis builds up without revealing its true form. It disguises as a normal marriage. Bur the sign to look for will be that the marriage is not just normal. It is boring as well. Such a situation is similar to a volcano lying dormant at the surface, while preparing itself underneath to erupt suddenly. If you ignore this obvious sign, it may be too late to save the marriage.

Here are some commonly occurring signs:

1) Mechanical Sex Life:
How often you have sex with your partner and how enjoyable or dull the experience is, is a very reliable pointer to the nature of your marriage. Marriage is not about sex alone but sex has a crucial role in a healthy marriage. When sex becomes a scheduled and enjoyable activity, a marriage can recover.

To discover the secret that kept my marriage together when it was on the brink of divorce

2) Physical Intimacy:
Apart from sex, physical intimacy indicated by kissing and hugging is also a healthy sign of a sound marriage. People in happy marriages tend to hug and kiss several times a day. If you and your partner do not have this kind of intimacy, then it is a sign of a marriage in trouble. It may deteriorate into a marriage in crisis very fast, if the situation does not improve.

3) Absence of Courtesy:
Common courtesy and formal expressions like “thank you,” “excuse me,” and “please,” are to be extended not to strangers alone. Your marriage partner also needs them. If these acts of courtesy are missing in your relationship, then you can sense that all is not well with your marriage. Absence of these courtesies is an indication that you take your partner for granted. This will eventually lead to a coldness between the partners. The situation of your marriage in crisis may not be far off.

If you can identify any of these signs and take action to correct them, you can save your marriage in time. You may work on changing things slowly without giving the impression of doing something in desperation. A gradual change will have a strong and lasting effect. Your partner will start reciprocating in an unconscious way and soon you will find that your marriage life has become happy and enjoyable.

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As Christian married couples in the 21st century, we are told by our church, the Bible, our parents, counselors, famous quotes and even songs that we are to love our spouses “Unconditionally”. But a lot of people are left in the dark wondering what it means to love someone unconditionally. Then, if and when, they grasp the concept of unconditional love we don’t know how to apply it on a daily basis. We want to show our spouses that we truly, really do love them, but it’s hard when we can get so busy! The whirlwind of work, social outings, social media, travel, church, sports, and family can really bear down hard on your marriage and steal time from showing your affection to one another.

So how can you show unconditional love to your spouse on a daily basis in the midst of a crazy life? In this article I am going to point out 5 ways that you can do exactly that. But it’s up to you and God to put these 5 steps into action and apply them to your life.

Wait, What is the Real Meaning of Unconditional Love?

The Wikipedia definition says this: “Unconditional love is known as affection without any limitations.”

But we know from Christ’s example of His Death on the cross for our sins that this term has a much deeper and much more effective meaning. Unconditional love is a self-sacrificing, unrelenting, thick and tangible love that expects nothing in return. When Jesus died on the cross for sins of the world, he was displaying UNCONDITIONAL LOVE in all its splendor and brilliance. In Greek it was called Agape love. Agape love is different from a sexual kind of love or even a brotherly love. It literally means self-sacrificial and unconditional love with no expectation of any reward in return. Agape love is the love that we are commanded to use in those familiar verses Ephesians 5: 1-2 “Therefore be imitators of God as dear children. And walk in love, as Christ also has loved us and given Himself for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweet-smelling aroma.” And agape love is what we are commanded to use on a daily basis in our marriage.

What if your spouse already left you? Here’s how to get them back.

Unconditional Love on a Daily Basis

Showing unconditional love daily will be hard at first, especially when you see no benefits or no reward for your efforts. That’s the hardest, most crushing thing; to see your love go unrecognized or not shown love in return. It is very discouraging. But persevere! Jesus did not give up on us. He still has unconditional love for us every day of our lives. We forget about Him, we forget His blessings, we leave Him behind, and we treat Him as though He were a chore. Yet, we are alive because of Him. And because of that we have hope. We can keep going; we can keep loving.

No one said marriage was easy, no one said keeping a marriage the way it was on your marriage day was even possible. But I tell you it is! If we can love our spouse with an agape love like Christ loves us, than we can have Heaven Now.

Here are 5 good ways that you can practice Agape or Unconditional Love regularly.

1. Forgive. We all know that no one is perfect-but can we forgive them for being imperfect? Spouses do things everyday that set off little triggers of annoyance. Even small things like your husband leaving the toothpaste lid off, your wife forgetting to start your laundry etc. These are pet peeves that can build up till we blow up! But forgiveness is the key to freedom.

2. Serve. Even if we’ve been working all day, cooking cleaning, working in an office for 12 hours, or worked all day on fixing up the house, unconditional love calls for SACRIFICE. That means sacrificing your time, your rest, and what you think you deserve. When you feel tired from a long day and your wife asks you to help her with something, help. When you have taken care of the children all day and just want to fall over on the couch and your husband wants dinner, cook it for him. This is unconditional love.

3. Chivalry. When we’re first married we tried to look and act appealing to our new spouse. We want to attract them to us and make ourselves more loveable. Don’t lose that desire. In the morning or at night, freshen up for your spouse. Put on some nice clothes, spray some fragrance on, and laugh. Be light-hearted and kind. But above all, be polite. Show respect for one another. Nothing is more precious and appealing than pure old fashion chivalry and respect.

What do I really need to do to make my spouse love me again? Is it possible to build massive attraction in my spouse?

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4. Surprise. When we’ve been married for a while, we stop all the little things that make a loving marriage look desirable. There are no more sweet and random gifts and no surprise-initiative blessings. I propose you take an initiative action upon you daily to perform for your spouse. Don’t tell them that you’ve done it or that you’re going to do it, just let them notice it themselves. It could be anything from cleaning the bathroom to mowing the lawn or making them a cup of coffee in the morning. It spurs on more generous acts of love.

5. Encourage. The best thing to do in a relationship is to encourage one another. Build each other up with kind words, and don’t forget to study the Word together! Pray and read the Bible as often as you can together. Nothing builds a stronger relationship than when two insufficient human beings humble themselves in the sight of the Lord together and pray and worship. Build your relationship on the Rock.

Don’t Give Up!

It can be difficult to be persistent in following these practices on a daily basis, but you can’t throw in the towel after a few days and expect everything to be fine after only a few tries. You have to work on this. If you don’t have a heart for it and feel like you can’t do it, ask God to give you the desire for it. He knows that you try hard, but He requires all of you. Agape, unconditional love, does not give up.

“The only way love can last a lifetime is if it’s unconditional. The truth is this: love is not determined by the one being loved, but rather by the one choosing to love.”

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

You don’t have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.

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Okay, men. You get home from work, walk in the door, and your wife starts talking about her day. Frustrations with her boss at work, her lunch with a friend, and challenges with a child are the first things she shares. Somewhere in the midst of her words, you slowly tune out, look down at your phone, and let your mind wander to other things. You might think she doesn’t notice, but she does. By not keeping eye contact and engaging with her, she senses that you don’t care and that you think something else is more important.

Being a good listener is something I’ve struggled with for a long time. I’m a bottom line kind of guy, so the fewer the words to make a point, the better. But over our 28 years of marriage, Susan has taught me how to be a better listener, although she would tell you I’ve got a long way to go. So, whether your wife is sharing her deepest secrets or simply venting to you about her day, not listening to your wife when she talks can have several consequences, some of which I’ve experienced at times. Here are 4 things that happen when you don’t listen to your wife.

1. Wives become distant.

Sharing her thoughts and feelings is a moment of vulnerability for a woman. So when her husband doesn’t give his full attention, she is left feeling rejected and instinctively pulls back to avoid more rejection. Rather than letting your wife draw herself back like this, I encourage you to keep her close at all costs. Be observant enough to notice when she starts to recoil so that you can pull her into your arms, look her in the eyes, and let her know that you are always there to listen to her. This is something I need to work on.

2. Wives become indifferent.

Another way wives handle a lack of attention from their husbands is by becoming indifferent. When your wife consistently feels like she isn’t being heard, she will stop expecting anything at all from you. This is a very dangerous direction to be headed in with your spouse because of the way indifference quickly turns into emotional detachment. Rather than give your spouse reason to be indifferent, give her reason to be caring in your relationship.

3. Wives lose their desire.

Once your wife becomes indifferent, a loss of desire is soon to follow. Lowering her expectations regarding her conversations with you leads to lowering her expectations regarding other aspects of your relationship. Unfortunately, this can cause a lack of physical desire in your relationship too. To regain that passion in your relationship, trying using these 10 Things Wives Want to Hear from Their Husbands and 10 More Things Wives Want to Hear from Their Husbands.

4. Wives move their focus to other relationships.

The final way wives react when their husbands don’t listen is by shifting their focus onto other relationships in their lives. When they aren’t receiving affirmation from you, they will turn to others to fill that need. This may mean they share more of what’s going on in their life with girlfriends instead of you. This may mean your wife spends all her time in the evening talking to the kids instead of talking with you. Or this may mean she looks for reasons to stay late at work spending time with co-workers who listen instead of trying to come home early to see you.

If you’d like to become a more effective listener, check out my blog, Family Leadership: The Gift of Listening.

Have you experienced any of these consequences in your relationship? What are some ways you can make your spouse feel listened to? Please leave your ideas in a comment below.

Wasn’t it great? All those lunches! All those parties! All those speeches, saying how great we are and how far we’ve come!

Perhaps it was for you. I spent International Women’s Day in the way I spend most days: sitting at home, in front of my computer, looking forward to the odd trip to the kettle. I saw the tweets, and read the articles, but it all felt a bit like bring-your-daughter-to-work day. It felt like dress-up-as-Hermione for World Book Day. It felt like Crufts.

It’s always a bit odd when a day set up to celebrate half the world’s population makes you feel as if you’re watching Greenpeace try to save a whale. Here, as always, were some prime specimens, making pronouncements about the dangers we face. Here’s Christine Lagarde, managing director of the International Monetary Fund, reminding us that the gender pay gap even among the rich country members of the Organisation for Economic Cooperation and Development – a thinktank for developed nations – is 16%. Here’s Charlotte Valeur, chair of the Institute of Directors, telling us that big companies don’t have more women on their boards because the companies lie.

And here’s Caroline Criado Perez saying – well, where do you start? It isn’t just, according to her new book, Invisible Women, that we’re less likely to make it on to bank notes or plinths. If we’re in a car crash, we’re less likely to make it, full stop. Women, she says, are 47% more likely to die in a car crash than men. This, she explains, is because cars are designed for men. Oh, and so is the rest of the world.

Pass the hemlock, with those canapes. “The male experience, the male perspective,” she says, “has come to be seen as universal.” This has been true throughout history, and it’s true now. Quite a mountain to climb, then. The whole of world culture to change. Childbirth to be eliminated or reformed.

It’s all so big. It’s all so exhausting. Yes, of course we should have more women in power. Of course we should have more women on boards. Business leaders say we should be braver. They are, they claim, crying out for good women. They are scraping barrels for good women! All those brilliant white men on boards are sending out search parties for good women, but unfortunately the ones they find just aren’t good enough.

This is, of course, to use the technical term that our own attorney general used in a tweet earlier this week, absolute bollocks. If you go anywhere near an organisation such as Women on Boards UK, you’ll meet plenty of brilliant women. You’ll meet women who have had glittering careers in a range of sectors who are knocking on doors and being told that their face doesn’t fit.

It’s a cliche that women aren’t brave enough. It’s also a lie. According to new research by the Women’s Satnav to Success, which undertakes annual surveys to understand the challenges women face in their careers, women are just as brave as men. More than 70% of the women surveyed said that they “always” or “usually” took on situations that took them “out of their comfort zone”. The problem was that their courage didn’t pay off. The problem, in other words, is what the report’s author, Diana Parkes, calls “the contribution-to-value gap”. The men in the survey said that they generally felt that their contributions at work were valued and heard. Only half of the women who said they consistently made contributions at work said the same. This leads, according to the report, to loss of engagement, lack of motivation, lower confidence – and sometimes the decision to leave. Women, in fact, are pitching for career advancement opportunities, but getting a bit sick of being kicked in the teeth.

Parkes’s view is echoed by Christine Lagarde. “Whenever a woman takes the floor,” she said in that interview, “there is a general reduction in the attention of men around the table”. Yup, you heard that right. One of the most powerful women in the world thinks men aren’t interested in what women have to say.

Pass the hemlock again, if there’s any left. And you thought the problem was childcare! You thought the problem was structural! The real problem, it seems, is that when women speak, men are bored.

There is a structural problem, of course. There is a problem with childcare. There’s unconscious bias running from the top to the bottom of pretty much every institution in the world. There are masses of huge problems, with complex solutions. But there’s also a simple one, and it’s cheap.

Companies can learn to listen. Men can learn to listen. We can all learn to listen to people who have different voices, and different sex organs, and different views. We can even learn to do this without making a song and a dance of it, an international day of it, a save-the-whale-bonanza of it. Let’s start a revolution. We’ll stop the fuss if men will just occasionally shut up.

• Christina Patterson is a trustee of the Shaw Trust and author of The Art of Not Falling Apart

Why Don’t Men Ever Listen?

February 1, 2006 Share Tweet Flip 0 Shares

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Page 1 of 2 If there’s one thing men are great at, it’s not listening. Let me rephrase that. They are great at ignoring things they don’t want to hear . To be even more precise, they don’t like listening to women. Women — for better or for worse — tends to speak in code. When they ask for things, they ask indirectly because it’s the easiest way to gauge the true intentions of men. Men often commit wrongful acts unknowingly and then naively ask “what did I do?” when women get upset. I’ll tell you what you’re doing wrong: you don’t actually hear what we’re really saying.

need a dictionary?

Women don’t understand men either. We can’t understand how men — who are able to memorize sports statistics, discover oddball facts, act like investigative reporters when you mention another man’s name — can’t figure out the true intention of women’s requests. Maybe men are simply not programmed to listen to women.

What women really can’t understand is how men can sit in front of the TV during Super Bowl Sunday for 6 hours, listening to the same thing being repeated over and over again. Yet, if their women tell them that they feel a little ignored, it’s as though they’re speaking Latin.

Many men often wonder why it is that all gorgeous women have geeky boyfriends who look like Bill Gates (without the money). Chances are that they’re good listeners. So, if you want to be in that geek’s shoes, all you have to do is learn and execute these simple scenarios.

scenario #1

Woman says:
“I know what you did.”
What she’s really saying:
“You have a guilty look on your face. You must have done something wrong and I’m going to get you by saying something ambiguous.”
Man responds:
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
What he’s really saying:
“She found out about what I did. I know I did 5 things wrong, which one did she find out about? Just play dumb, keep denying everything and remember to say ‘I love you’ a couple of times.”

scenario #2

Woman says:
“I’m feeling sick.”
What she’s really saying:
“After all the times I took care of you, this is your chance to prove to me that you love me and take care of me.”
Man responds:
“It’ll probably pass, give it some time”
What he’s really saying:
“Oh no, here we go again with the I’m sick routine . I hope she doesn’t want to go see a doctor because the Lakers are playing the Knicks in 30 minutes.

scenario #3

Woman says:
“I hate you, get away from me.”
What she’s really saying:
“I love you so much, I want you to come after me and hold me, so I can feel secure again and know that you love me. Please tell me you love me.”
Man responds:
“I’m sorry baby, I promise I won’t do it again, please don’t leave, I’m begging for your forgiveness.”
What he’s really saying:
“Please don’t go, who am I going to have sex with? Who is going to cook for me? If you need me to say some stuff about promises and I love you , I will, as long I still get to see you naked.”

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