- Ashley Papa
- 6 Things Older Men Do Better In Bed
- 50 Ways to Have a Healthy Sex Life After 40
- 50 tips for your best sex after 40:
- 1. Accept the changes in your body.
- 2. Expand your definition of what sex is.
- 3. Take inventory of your medications.
- 4. Choose comfortable positions.
- 5. Boost the production of feel-good hormones.
- 6. Give your partner reassurance outside the bedroom.
- 7. Don’t be afraid to discuss that little blue pill.
- 8. Play it safe.
- 9. Make sex a consistent part of your routine.
- 10. Work on your confidence.
- 11. Make your needs known—even if it’s uncomfortable at first.
- 12. Make sure you’re getting enough sleep.
- 13. Experiment with new activities in the bedroom.
- 14. Practice mindfulness.
- 15. Be a routine-breaker outside of the bedroom.
- 16. And in the bedroom.
- 17. Crush some cardio.
- 18. Pump iron at least twice a week.
- 19. Get on the same page financially.
- 20. Stock up on healthy fats.
- 21. Cut down on added sugar in your diet.
- 22. Drop those last 10 pounds.
- 23. Grab some garlic.
- 24. Drink red wine more frequently.
- 25. Spice things up in the kitchen.
- 26. Add some red to your menu.
- 27. Follow the “apple a day” adage.
- 28. Bring on the B vitamins.
- 29. Say “I love you” more.
- 30. Make sex more fun.
- 31. Up the romantic gestures.
- 32. Take a trip together.
- 33. Talk about your partner’s body.
- 34. Make regular sex a priority.
- 35. Strike a pose.
- 36. Get frisky in the morning.
- 37. Work through your conflicts.
- 38. Spend more time together.
- 39. Create a new ritual together.
- 40. Spend more time snuggling.
- 41. Never underestimate the power of a massage.
- 42…Or a bubble bath.
- 43. Remember the hierarchy of compliments.
- 44. Remember the hierarchy of the bedroom.
- 45. Remember the hierarchy of desire.
- 46. Bring in some reinforcements.
- 47. Add some sexy literature to your must-read list.
- 48. Expand your social opportunities.
- 49. Reduce your reliance on porn.
- 50. Keep your curiosity alive.
- 6 Common Myths About Sex After 50 You Need to Stop Believing
Sexual desires and preferences can significantly change with age. What one guy wants when he’s 25, may not be the same as what he wants when he’s 35, 45, or into his 50s. Men in their 40s may not be in their prime, but many still have a strong sexual appetite and they still want certain things when it comes to sex. So, what do 40-year-old men want in bed?
Here’s what experts and a few 40-something men we talked to had to say:
Men in their 40s want to be in bed with someone who’s confident about their body, their sexuality, and the experience. Relationship expert, April Masini, says, “Even if you don’t want to do something, knowing it, and being articulate and even upbeat about your refusal to do certain things, is a lot better for a seasoned guy, than someone who’s coy, insecure and not clear or direct.”
A lot of men in their 40s are still swinging bachelors and may still be all about the hookup. “Whether a guy is married, dating, or still into ‘no strings attached’, we still like to experiment in the bedroom,” says 46-year-old Jay Smith, who is single and lives in New York City. “We aren’t set in our ways when it comes to what we enjoy when it comes to sex, so assuming we like the same old missionary position is actually a huge turnoff.”
Guys over 40 want you to have a good time. “They want to feel like they’re successful at pleasing you because their experience isn’t just about their sexual experience. It’s about whether or not they’re your sexual hero.” says Masini. In other words, they want to be the best you ever had and if you’re enjoying yourself, they’re going to feel proud—and that’s a huge turn on for them too.
“Guys will always love looking at the female body and I think some women feel that lingerie is pointless after a certain age,” says Smith. “We still love it. Don’t be afraid to surprise us with something silky and sexy, especially if we’re not used to seeing you in something like that. Also, knowing you like wearing it for us gives us an option for gifts.”
Men over 40 want a little direction. Masini says, “They’re open to it, and they want you to have done your homework, so that you know your body well enough to clue them in on what works best for you. So, the better you know yourself and your body, the happier they’re going to be with you because they’ll benefit for your self knowledge.”
“I hate when women just want to get right to business,” admits Andrew Zigler, 40 and dating from central New Jersey. “Guys in their 40s can’t work the on-off switch like they used to so we do still appreciate the kissing and touching beforehand.” In addition to getting him aroused, men in their 40s also take pleasure in making sure YOU feel pleasure, whether that comes from cuddling or intimate touching.
If you want to turn a guy in their 40s off sexually, make him feel old, says Zigler. “I stopped seeing this one girl who was eight years younger, because she wouldn’t stop calling me daddy in bed. Some guys may like that, but we’re still young in our 40s so a girl who acts like a child in the sack is total sex diffuser.” Even if a guy prefers to date someone younger, experts agree that men in mid-life still want a woman who is a partner, not a child.
The thing about a guy in his 40s is he still has the active sexual appetite of a younger man but he’s experienced enough to want a little bit more than just a typical night. Be confident, tell him what you do and don’t like, have fun with new things, and appreciate him in and out of the bedroom. You’ll both have a good time and grow even more in your relationship.
Writer and Author
Ashley is a relationship writer and author of her first novel “Vixen Investigations: The Mayoral Affairs“. She writes about it all: sex, love, dating, marriage, and “crimes of the heart”.
6 Things Older Men Do Better In Bed
1. Older men take their time.
Older men have patience, and that means in the bedroom, too. Foreplay doesn’t start five minutes after you get naked. Hell, sometimes it starts hours in advance – or never really stops. But once you’re in bed and ready to go, there’s no wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am. Sure, quickies are fun, but older men are willing to draw out your pleasure. Not just so you have a bigger, better orgasms, but because they enjoy watching what they do to you.
2. Older men focus on foreplay.
Like I said, foreplay may start hours before you have sex. In some cases, it never really stops. Older men understand that foreplay is about seduction and can take many forms. Once they get you naked in their arms, though, that kind of foreplay gets all their attention. What makes you moan and grind against them? What makes you scream? Yeah, they’re going to do that all night. Only when they know you’ve been driven wild will they be ready for sex.
3. Older men believe in ladies first – and often.
The goal isn’t to get one orgasm out of you and then have sex. Oh no. While they’re getting you hot and bothered during foreplay, they’re working hard for your orgasms — plural. They see it as a source of pride when they can cause big, badass orgasms that leave you shaking and weak. If you’re a multi-orgasmic kind of girl like me, they want to make us lose count. It’s always a good night when you lose count of your orgasms. Just sayin’.
You Might Also Like: Let’s Talk About Sex Drives, Baby: The Truth About Men, Women and Libido
4. Older men take longer to finish.
Some people might see this as a downside, but not me. I’ve had the minutemen before, and it wasn’t even enough to get my motor running. If the sex isn’t any good, of course you want it to be over sooner rather than later. But when you’ve had great foreplay and multiple orgasms, it’s not something you want over and done with in a flash. Let them take their time. It’s worth it, I promise.
5. Older men can go multiple times in one night.
Contrary to popular belief, some older men can have multiple orgasms in one night. With my man, it’s not often, and hell, by the time we’re usually done with the first, I need a nap anyway. But on those rare occasions when we’ve got nothing but time and a vivid imagination, it’s nice to know that we can each experience multiple orgasms.
6. Their own orgasm isn’t necessarily a driving force.
Older men can give you multiple orgasms, spend hours on foreplay, have sex so long you change position five times, and still not have an orgasm of their own. The first time I experienced that, I felt guilty. Wasn’t part of the point of sex to get off? For an older man, the answer is simple – not always. They understand that sex is about the connection, the intimacy, and the shared pleasure. Sure, an orgasm is nice, but it’s not always a requirement.
I’m not dissing the younger guys out there. I just know what I like – and why.
50 Ways to Have a Healthy Sex Life After 40
For many people, life over 40 is pretty great: Your career is better than ever and your confidence is at an all-time high. However, the sands of time spare no one, and for some over-40 folks, life in the bedroom can change dramatically as the years pass—and not always for the better. But if you want to keep things fresh in the sheets after the big 4-0 has come and gone, doing so may be easier than you think. These expert tips on how to keep things spicy, and have your best sex after 40. Follow these tips and you’ll be feeling like a teenager again in no time.
50 tips for your best sex after 40:
1. Accept the changes in your body.
Feeling comfortable in your body is sexy, no matter your age, so embrace the changes you’re seeing—and let your partner do the same.
“Your body definitely doesn’t look the same as before,” says Dr. Nikola Djordjevic, MD, from MedHelpAlert.org. “Don’t shy away from it and make sure you love your body as it is. Don’t look back, focus on the now.”
2. Expand your definition of what sex is.
If your preferences in the bedroom have changed over the years, it’s high time you redefine what sex means to you.
“Kissing, cuddling, and arousing can be pretty fun,” says Djordjevic. “Make sure you explore with your partner and don’t be afraid to talk about your wishes.”
3. Take inventory of your medications.
If you’ve found yourself less enthused about the prospect of being intimate than before, try talking to your doctor about whether any of your current medications could be standing between you and a more fulfilling sex life.
“There are certain medications whose side effects include decreased libido, or (for women) lower ability of lubrication,” says Dr. Lina Velikova, MD, from disturbmenot.co. “These include antidepressants, blood pressure medication, antihistamines (medication for allergies), medication for regulating cholesterol, and ulcer medications. If you are on any of these medications and have troubles with arousal or lubrication, talk to your doctor about it.”
4. Choose comfortable positions.
Aches and pains tend to appear as if out of nowhere as we age, so it’s essential that you reevaluate your bedroom routine if you find that your usual positions just aren’t cutting it.
“If you have back pain, don’t get discouraged,” says Velikova. “Find the most comfortable position that doesn’t strain your back. Side-by-side is a good position for this.”
5. Boost the production of feel-good hormones.
Engage in some affectioning touching to “trigger production of the feel-good hormones—oxytocin, endorphins, serotonin, and dopamine,” suggests Maryann Karinch, author of Mature Sexual Intimacy. ” pump up your desire for closeness, elevate your mood, and discover all kinds of new (and old) pleasures.”
6. Give your partner reassurance outside the bedroom.
“As our bodies age, we might want reassurance that we’re still desired,” says Steven Reigns, LMFT, founder of Los Angeles-based Therapy for Adults. “This can create pressured sexual situations where your partner’s every move and maneuver is scrutinized for proof that you are or you’re not attractive.” To help combat this issue, try giving your partner reassurance outside the bedroom—make note of when they dress up, show them affection when you’re out together, and make time for romantic dates whenever possible.
7. Don’t be afraid to discuss that little blue pill.
If you or your partner are having difficulty in the bedroom, don’t be afraid to discuss exploring your medical options. “In male spaces, sex is openly discussed. Sexual dysfunction is not. This can lead some into thinking erectile dysfunction (ED) is less common than it actually is,” says Reigns.
“For partners of men needing ED medication, it can be challenging to not take the need for erectile drugs personally—especially if one is feeling insecure about their aging body,” he notes. “The logic of ‘If he were really into me, he wouldn’t need a pill’ is faulty. If your partner needed a hearing aide, would that mean they really didn’t want to listen to you?”
8. Play it safe.
Think you can forgo protection with new partners after a certain age? Think again.
“There’s been a fair amount of research and reportage over the past few years that suggests that older people aren’t learning to bring condoms along when they go out on the town,” says Carol Queen, Ph.D., of Good Vibrations, the staff sexologist and curator of the Antique Vibrator Museum, and co-author of The Sex & Pleasure Book: Good Vibrations Guide to Great Sex for Everyone. “Folks over 50 can definitely get (and give) sexually transmitted infections, so get informed, be prepared, and play safe.”
9. Make sex a consistent part of your routine.
While you certainly shouldn’t be having sex when you don’t feel like it, making time for intimacy may make you more open to getting frisky in the future. According to a 2017 study published in Psychological Science, couples had more relationship satisfaction for up to two weeks following sex—and considering that feeling happy in your relationship is a key factor in wanting to have sex to begin with, this ends up being a self-perpetuating cycle.
10. Work on your confidence.
Not feeling sexy? Instead of spending tons of cash on lingerie or toys, try working on your self-esteem first. “Sexiness is confidence,” says Nazanin Moali, PhD, a sex therapist in Torrance, California and host of The Sexology Podcast. “It is a different kind of confidence that we might have had in our 20s or 30s, but one that is grounded in our achievements, our accomplishments, and what we have become in life.”
11. Make your needs known—even if it’s uncomfortable at first.
Even if it feels uncomfortable at first, talking about your needs in the bedroom will keep your love life healthier in the long run.
“Couples over age 50 often tell us that saying the word ‘sex’ was taboo in their household growing up, which makes it difficult to open up with each other—even as grown adults,” according to husband and wife coach and therapist Adam King, CLC, and Karissa J. King, MA, LMFT, authors of Sexpectations—Healthy Sex Life After Age 50. “So while their innate design pushes them to have sex, talking about it requires intentionality, guidance, and even learning.”
12. Make sure you’re getting enough sleep.
Get a good night’s rest and you might find yourself having an easier time reading your partner’s cues when it comes to sex. According to a 2013 study published in Sleep, sleep-deprived men were more likely to misread their female partner’s behavior as sexual interest, even when that’s not the case—potentially leading to some serious feelings of rejection when they’re turned down time and time again. If you want to keep your sex life healthy, make sure you’re getting adequate rest and you’ll be better equipped to distinguish between when your partner wants to get it on.
13. Experiment with new activities in the bedroom.
According to a 2017 review of research published in the Journal of Sex Research, more sexually satisfied couples reported engaging in a greater variety of sex acts than their less-satisfied counterparts.
14. Practice mindfulness.
A little mindfulness in the bedroom could make all the difference when it comes to your sex life. According to a 2019 study published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, people who were more mindful during sex enjoyed both greater sexual satisfaction and higher self-esteem.
15. Be a routine-breaker outside of the bedroom.
There’s something to be said for relationship predictability. We have a comfort level in knowing that Friday is for movies, or that one of you will do the cooking and one of you will do the cleaning, or that both of you despise the Patriots.
But long-term couples should find ways to mix up the regular rhythm of their lives—with new outings, new restaurants, new couples to hang with. “The newer the activity, the greater the increase of the feel-good chemical dopamine,” which improves mood, says Ava Cadell, Ph.D., author of Neuroloveology.
16. And in the bedroom.
“After many years of sex with the same person, the actual act of making love can take on a certain predictability,” Cadell says. Switch up something: The room, the night of the week, the order in which you remove clothes, the channel. It’ll make a difference.
17. Crush some cardio.
Sexual function is controlled, in part, by the quality of blood flow to your organs. Vigorous cardiovascular exercise—at least three or four times a week where your heart rate jumps up to the point that you’re breathing hard—will make you better in bed.
“Because blood flow is vital for sexual organs to function, whatever you can do to improve the health of your heart will improve your sex life,” says Michael Roizen, MD, chief wellness officer of the Cleveland Clinic.
18. Pump iron at least twice a week.
Resistance exercises not only help change your body weight and shape (both of which will have physical and psychological benefits), but they also increase your testosterone.
“Testosterone is the key hormone for both men and women for sex drive,” Roizen says. “Resistance exercise helps increase muscle mass, which improves testosterone.” No access to dumbbells? A routine of bodyweight exercises—pushups, squats, and lunges—will work.
19. Get on the same page financially.
“Financial stress—the No. 1 cause of problems in relationships—is related to lots of health problems, so when couples are having money issues, it usually means they’re also having trouble in the bedroom,” Roizen says. Schedule a financial meeting once a month between the two of you. Just the act of talking—even if you don’t always agree—gets things going in the right direction.
20. Stock up on healthy fats.
One of your greatest dietary allies are healthy fats, like ones found in fish and nuts. “They will help lower inflammation, blood pressure, and your lousy LDL cholesterol. When they change, they can help improve sexual function,” Roizen says.
21. Cut down on added sugar in your diet.
One of the biggest threats to a healthy sex life? A diet that pummels your insides. Decrease your intake of processed foods and replace them with ones that have artery-friendly compounds (like fruits and vegetables). “Foods with high amounts of added sugar increase your risk a number of problems that cause your arteries to function less efficiently—and that’s bad news for all body parts involved in sexual function,” Roizen says.
22. Drop those last 10 pounds.
“Waist size is directly related to sexual function,” Roizen says. “The higher it is, the higher chances you’ll have some dysfunction.”
23. Grab some garlic.
According to a 2016 study published in the Journal of Nutrition, the breath- and vampire-busting cloves have artery-clearing benefits. And you know what better blood flow means…
24. Drink red wine more frequently.
An Italian study, published in 2009 in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, showed that those who had one or two glasses of red wine a day had higher levels of sexual satisfaction.
25. Spice things up in the kitchen.
The key to a hotter sex life? Hotter food. One 2015 study in the journal Physiology & Behavior found that spicy food increased testosterone. So get ready to turn up the heat on your plate and in the bedroom.
Tomatoes contain lycopene, which can restore blood glucose and lower oxidative stress. Those health benefits lead to better blood flow, which, again, can curb erectile dysfunction.
27. Follow the “apple a day” adage.
A 2014 study in the Archives of Gynecology and Obstetrics found that women who regularly ate apples had higher reported levels of sexual function. Scientists speculate that this is because apples contain antioxidants that improve blood flow (and thus arousal).
28. Bring on the B vitamins.
One 2014 study in the Asian Journal of Andrology revealed a correlation between low levels of sexual function and low levels of folic acid (vitamin B9). So if you want to improve your bedroom activities, add foods with vitamin B—like dark leafy greens, citrus fruits, and beans—into your diet.
29. Say “I love you” more.
/Monkey Business Images
A 2016 Chapman University study about sexual satisfaction in long-term couples found that those who were more sexually satisfied say “I love you” during sex.
30. Make sex more fun.
The same Chapman University study found that sexually satisfied couples reported that their sex was both passionate and playful, so don’t be afraid to get silly in the sack.
31. Up the romantic gestures.
The little things really do make a big difference. Dr. Bea Jaffrey, a clinical psychologist and psychotherapist based in Switzerland, told Marie Claire that foreplay should start long before you actually have sex. “I am talking here about the mental foreplay that happens days in advance, not the one that you have just before sex,” she notes. “Make sure to be attentive to your partner. Small gestures and nice comments are significant to setting the right mood for sex.”
32. Take a trip together.
The key to improving your sex life over 40? Your passport. According to a 2016 study conducted by the U.S. Travel Association, traveling together not only helps maintain the strength of relationships, it can help ignite intimacy in couples, too.
33. Talk about your partner’s body.
Compliment your partner’s body parts—and not just ones associated with sexuality. A 2017 study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine reported a correlation between lower body image and low levels of sexual satisfaction—which makes sense because more insecurity means more inhibition. So giving your partner’s self-esteem a small boost could make a big difference in the bedroom.
34. Make regular sex a priority.
One 2017 study in PLoS One revealed what many couples already know: Couples with higher rates of physical intimacy tend to be closer. It’s not that quantity means quality, but you have to have some quantity to have more quality.
35. Strike a pose.
A 2010 study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that yoga helped reduce sexual dysfunction and improved libido. Other benefits from practicing those poses include improved breathing and control, as well as more flexibility. Just don’t make a “downward dog” joke in bed.
36. Get frisky in the morning.
As reported by The Sun in 2017, Forza Supplements conducted research that found that the best time of day to have sex is the opposite time of when many couples have sex: 7:30 a.m seems to be ideal. That’s because, about 45 minutes after you wake up is when your energy levels are at their highest.
37. Work through your conflicts.
Relationship troubles affect your mood and overall satisfaction, and thusly influence desire. Not talking about your problems will only create more problems and that goes for your sex life, too.
38. Spend more time together.
Your schedules may be busy, but making more time for each other—even when you’re not getting frisky, can make you more interested in one another sexually. A 2014 study in Hormones and Behavior revealed that oxytocin—the bonding hormone that’s stimulated in moments of togetherness—can intensify orgasms as well as contentment after sex.
39. Create a new ritual together.
Foot massages every Sunday night, co-cooking every Thursday, or a hike the first weekend of the month create consistency, boost oxytocin, and can do wonders for your physical intimacy levels.
40. Spend more time snuggling.
A 2014 study in the Archives of Sexual Behavior found one key ingredient to long-term relationship success: post-sex snuggling. According to the research, there’s a strong link between “post-sex affectionate behavior (e.g., cuddling, caressing, shared intimacy) and sexual and relationship satisfaction.”
41. Never underestimate the power of a massage.
Candles, oils, some ambient music. Nothing sets the mood like a good full-body rub—for both of you.
42…Or a bubble bath.
/Monkey Business Images
It’s just as relaxing as a massage, except with 100 percent less clothing. Pro tip: Double the bubbles with a bottle of Moët.
43. Remember the hierarchy of compliments.
What you say matters.
When you say it matters more.
How you say it matters most.
44. Remember the hierarchy of the bedroom.
What you do matters.
When you do it matters more.
How you do it matters most.
45. Remember the hierarchy of desire.
How you look matters.
How you act matters more.
How you treat each other—every single day—matters most.
46. Bring in some reinforcements.
The truth is, we’re living in the golden age of toys: big, small, for him, for her, for both. You can even find a 24-carat toy that doubles (and passes) as a fashion-forward pendant necklace! There’s something out there for you that can take your pleasure to unimagined levels.
47. Add some sexy literature to your must-read list.
Sure, you could put on a video to rev your engines. But you could also try reading that sort of thing. Today, there are countless of sites brimming with such content. Let your imagination run wild.
Want to make your relationship more satisfying? Try channeling your inner extrovert. A 2005 study published in the European Journal of Personality reveals that, while neuroticism dampened relationship satisfaction, extroversion boosted it—and who doesn’t like a partner who’s outgoing, both in the bedroom and out?
49. Reduce your reliance on porn.
Watching pornography together may be sexy to some couples, but overdoing it can have a negative effect on your relationship in the long run. According to a 2017 review of research published in Human Communication Research, pornography consumption was associated with reduced interpersonal satisfaction.
50. Keep your curiosity alive.
It’s never too late to test your sexuality. You’ll never know if you don’t try. And for more ways to take things up a notch, learn about The 30 Ways That Exercise Boosts Your Sex Life.
To discover more amazing secrets about living your best life, to follow us on Instagram!
6 Common Myths About Sex After 50 You Need to Stop Believing
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Couples at midlife and beyond who don’t have regular sex have lost interest in sex or in each other.
When older couples don’t have regular sex, it’s often because one partner has an illness or disability. (Here are 9 ways your body changes if you stop having sex.)
Of course, it’s true that sex isn’t going to stay exactly the same as you age. But the changes that take place aren’t all negative. Once a woman is past menopause and no longer concerned about pregnancy, many couples find it easier to relax and look forward to lovemaking. And partners who are retired or working only part-time often have more time and energy for each other, for making love as well as pursuing other shared activities.
By midlife, you know your own body and your partner’s intimately, and, hopefully, you’ve figured out how to communicate what you find pleasurable. It’s likely that you’ve shed any sexual inhibitions, and your sexual confidence and experience probably result in better sex for both of you. Just as important, sex may be more emotionally fulfilling because now it is driven less by hormones and more by the desire to share yourself with someone who loves you. Sex after age 65 may take place less often, but many find it becomes more gratifying than ever. Next, find out 48 ways to improve your sex life.
Merck Manual: “Erectile Dysfunction (ED),” “Decreased Libido in Men.”
National Coalition for Sexual Health: “Sexual Health in Your 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s & Beyond.”
National Institute on Aging: “Sexuality in Later Life.”
National Institutes of Health: “Understanding How Testosterone Affects Men.”
PLoS One: “A Validated Age-Related Normative Model for Male Total Testosterone Shows Increasing Variance but No Decline after Age 40 Years.”
Urologists.org: “Men’s Sexual Health by Decade.”
The North American Menopause Society: “Decreased Desire.”
The Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality: “Is there an early-30s peak in female sexual desire? Cross-sectional evidence from the United States and Canada.”
The Journal of Clinical Endocrinology & Metabolism: “The Relationship between Libido and Testosterone Levels in Aging Men.”
Translational Andrology and Urology: “Erectile dysfunction in fit and healthy young men: psychological or pathological?”
University of Washington Medicine: “Is Your Sex Drive Normal? Probably.”
American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists: “Having a Baby After Age 35: How Aging Affects Fertility and Pregnancy.”
March of Dimes: “Sex during pregnancy.”
In case you need a reminder that every person and body is wildly different, enjoy the below story, originally published in June 2018, wherein 47 women over the age of 47 weigh in on the state of their sex lives.
hanks to an abundance of stereotypes proliferated by popular culture, the sex lives of women above a certain age are either ignored completely or written off as “nonexistent.” Who better to chip away at that oversight than those women themselves? I put a callout on Man Repeller’s Instagram asking for women over the age of 50* to anonymously share some thoughts about sex—how they feel about it, if they have it, if they don’t have it, what they’ve learned about it, a funny story about it, how their sex lives have evolved…or something else entirely. No topic was off-limits. Read their illuminating responses below.
*I included quotes from a couple women in their late 40s who wrote in, too.
“I am a 65-year-old woman and have been married for 38 years to the same man. Now, do we have sex a lot??? NO, but I must say when we do, it is still very good. I’m faced with the ongoing challenge of dryness (it’s ridiculous) but do my best to grease up! Sometimes I like to put on dirty movies as it helps me during foreplay. I do not want to give up on the effort it takes, because I know many friends have. If this is as good as it gets here on out, I’LL TAKE IT.”
“My husband takes me on his business trips. He calls me his ‘road sugar.’”
“I could give two shits about sex. Love, yes. Hugs, yes. Fixing shit around the house, yes.”
“With menopause, sex happens less often (somehow you forget about it), but I feel more confident than when I was younger. I’m in good shape and I feel sexy and attractive. I think it’s important to keep in shape and remain active. Physical activity keeps your body and senses awake.”
“When I was twenty-something, I was so freaked my parents would hear my now-husband and I having sex. Now in my 50s, I am so freaked my twenty-something sons will hear us having sex!”
“My husband and I have been together 31 years and married for 27. Sex is not a top priority with work and travel taking a first seat, but I’m not worried.”
“My period turned off like a faucet at age 44, and I was thrilled. What I did not realize was that with menopause would come awful, excruciating and miserable pain during sex. My whole life, I have always adored sex. I could have sex for all three meals and as a snack. But suddenly, I found myself no longer wanting sex because I did not want to hurt so badly down there. Eventually, the pain became so intense, and the sex so infrequent, that I talked to a few older friends and my therapist and finally consulted with my doctor. Apparently, his wife had had the same symptoms at my age, and he put her on hormones, the same ones he now was recommending for me. I was on the fence about taking them, but when I finally did, my man and I were back to fucking fireworks! The research continues to go back and forth on whether women should take hormones at age 50+ because of the possible scary side effects like strokes and heart attacks. But for me, a love life with great sex is worth the risk.”
“My husband completely understands that sex just isn’t going to happen cause this old lady is dried up and it’s painful.”
“I don’t tend to think about sex as much as I did when I was younger. I have sex maybe 4-10 times a year. The urge to masturbate seemed to vanish after menopause too, at least for me. But I do seek comfort and closeness from my husband daily. My need for touch hasn’t gone anywhere. I feel like we are on the same page of the issue (which really isn’t an issue!). I almost get annoyed at the constant talk of sex as if everyone should want it and that it is a vital part of every stage in life. I feel like it is very natural not to want sex as much anymore from an evolutionary point of view, given that I’m long past the point of being able to pass on my genes.”
“Desire has left the building.”
“Sex is fun! Unfortunately, it’s been too long since I’ve had it.”
“I have sex about five times a week with my hubby. Quickies and everyone ends up happy.”
“I had LOTS of sex (love-making!) when I was younger, but over the years of being married and having children (a mum at the age of 39), I’ve lost interest.”
“Young people tend to think they invented sex; I thought that. I am now a 51-year-old woman and my partner is a 67-year-old man. We have been together for over 25 years, and we are not averse to waking up in the middle of the night to have sex, lots of it. Age improves intimacy; it improves communication; it makes for much better sex.”
“I am 52 and I love sex! As I have aged, sex has gotten better. I am open and speak up about what I like and how I like it. Sex brings on pleasure and confidence and it makes you glow! Sex is a key factor in aging well and taking care of yourself.”
“I love sex! Thing is, I have no one to have it with, except myself.”
“I love sex and miss it terribly. My husband is older than me and has lost all interest. It’s a crying shame.”
“The least interesting thing about human relationships is sex. And it’s a piss poor metric of a healthy relationship.”
“When I was younger, I’d fake an orgasm to make the man feel better about himself. Sex is healthy, but not if it’s fake. After I changed my mindset, I had amazing orgasms! Sometimes, I would fall asleep after, which is okay and should be taken as a compliment by my man, which it is. Good sex means giving and taking with respect. Be honest with yourself first and foremost so you can help your lover know how to satisfy you. Relax and let yourself go!”
“I have it. A lot. I have a wonderful partner whom I love very much. He and I are very compatible in many ways, not just in the sack but also in terms of our values. Even though I am going through menopause, we are together through and through. I feel lucky, as this relationship has been my best sexual experience by far. We have been together seven years.”
“If only my husband’s lovemaking could evolve and keep up with me. We’ve been together 31 years, but I may have to trade him in for a younger model.”
“I wish I had more sex!”
“It can be fun, but maybe a bit uncomfortable and all too rare thanks to the loss of estrogen that no one tells you comes with menopause.”
“I’m not having it because post-menopausal sex is a nightmare. I miss it.”
“Sex is so much better with age and body acceptance.”
“At this stage…not age…in my life, I find I am more confident in my sex life. It’s nice to have a life-long partner who is equally sexual and still adventurous. Or is it because we’re both Leos?”
“Sex is so much better than in my 20s. I am able to orgasm, I’m not afraid to ask for what I want and I look after my body. I am finally putting myself before my kids.”
“Sex is a wonderful gift from nature designed to keep our bodies younger and to bring us zen.”
“I now have the sex I want instead of thinking how I (it) looks. My partner is thrilled AF about it.”
“Ideally, I would have it a lot more. ‘Old’ doesn’t mean not into sex; it just means we’re too set in our schedules…too much TV, not enough hands-on time. Get your partner off the couch and into bed. Don’t lose the romance (not the jump your bones stuff — the sweet, thoughtful stuff).”
“I haven’t had it in seven years and I don’t miss it at all. This is from someone who used to crave it daily.”
“It’s great — no stress about being pregnant and no kids at home to interrupt. My husband and I are aging together, so we both still find each other attractive, and he really knows what I like.”
“I have great, mind-blowing sex at 51! Maybe not every day, but every week.”
“During my marriage, my now-ex and I had okay sex, just regular sex, and not too often, especially at the end when I was ready to file for divorce. I didn’t date for three years, and my ex and I hadn’t had sex for three years before that, at the end of our marriage. It had been a while. Then I started dating this guy I met online, and he is amazing in bed. And it turns out, so am I. It’s sex I have always wanted to have, and I feel sexier and happier about my body than I have ever thought I would. In bed, my boyfriend and I are sultry and dirty and loving and kind. I love the sex I have now, and although I fantasized for years about having sex like this, I never thought I would and I am so into it and happy about it. He’s 50, and I’m 45.”
“Done with it.”
“It’s like the Sahara down there. Natural, organic lubes are key. Anything with chemicals, especially ones that are supposed to warm you up, feel like battery acid to me.”
“I have a voracious, selfish appetite for sex. My husband of 33 years is the same way. The frequency has slowed down a little, but it is amazing when it happens.”
“I’ve been with the same partner for 30 years and our sex life is better than EVER! Hormone replacement is the bomb! We are more relaxed and creative and have more fun!”
“It was fun while it lasted.”
“Sex can be the best of times and the worst of times. It is a crapshoot. You take a risk and sometimes you hit the jackpot. Sometimes you walk away with nothing. If it weren’t for the occasional jackpot, I’m not sure why we would keep doing it. It takes a partner with a heart and mind and soul as big as yours to make it worth the effort, especially as you get older and a few things, including sex, get more challenging. The emotional interplay is the biggest payoff.”
“Sex is wonderful in your fifties as long as you’re having it with someone who’s not. Thank you, younger men who understand that ‘sexy’ is ageless.”
“The strong desire and need for sex faded for me. It’s still enjoyable, I just don’t have it as frequently. Keeping the intimacy alive with your partner is vitally important. It helps you stay connected. You must make the effort!”
“I still want to cook, but it takes me longer to heat up. I have little tolerance for bad sex; it’s just not worth it. But make no mistake, if it’s good, I want it. I always say the oven might be broken, but the bakery is still open for business!”
“I’ve never enjoyed sex as much as I do now. I have an older lover. I didn’t think lovemaking could be this pleasurable, and it keeps getting better. I’ve learned to let go of all my inhibitions and be adventurous, and he keeps pushing the boundaries. I’ve never felt so beautiful and loved as I do now. This is the best time of my life.”
“At this point in my life, I prefer a back scratch, foot rub or cuddle to sex. Sex is still at the top of my husband’s list. We haven’t specifically talked about our different levels of interest in sex, but it is simply apparent. We each give the other what he/she wants, so it works.”
“I’m glad my response is anonymous, not for my sake but for the sake of my four sons (all in their late twenties/early thirties). Few children want to acknowledge their parents as sexual beings, let alone picture their parents as sexually active beings, but we were and we ARE. Earmuffs on, kiddos…we had and still have passionate sex and LOVE it just as much as you do! My hope for my sons and all young adults when choosing a life partner is that their choice is based equally on sexual chemistry and friendship. It can be challenging to find both. Don’t settle. You’re gonna need both! Because there are inevitable sexual seasons in a long-lasting partnership, you and your partner need to be life friends/teammates to brave these seasons and flourish, especially during sexual off-seasons.
These are the “sexual seasons,” according to our experience: YOUNG AND IN LOVE — have sex whenever and wherever you want. CAREER DEVELOPMENT — have sex when time permits and neither of you is completely exhausted from work. IN THE ZONE — balanced work life and sex life. CHILDREN — have sex in your sleep (baby); have limited, spontaneous sex (toddler); have hope-they-don’t-hear-us sex while toggling between nurturer, career woman and sex goddess (grade schooler); have we-can’t-let-them-hear-us sex when and if career, meals, laundry, science projects, uber driver duties to and from and attending activities, etc., doesn’t leave you a walking zombie (teen); have “young and in love” sex again when kids aren’t home from college (young adult); have “young and in love sex” when the menopausal hormone rollercoaster doesn’t rob you of your libido (empty nest).
And there you have it, the sexual seasons of one 55-year-old woman’s life. Maintaining sexual vibrancy throughout life is hard. Choosing the right partner is critical (I chose well). My partner and I are still very much sexual beings, as the season allows, and we still love sex! It’s okay now, kiddos…earmuffs off.”
“I never enjoyed sex fully until after I had my children. Something about creating humans and birthing them made me realize just how amazing my body is and how lucky anyone is who gets to enjoy it too. Have good sex and stop worrying about your tummy rolls.”
Feature Graphic by Dasha Faires.